So I sat down with my work book and read it, really read it, I’m am so pleased my new sponsor asked me to start again! When I first did the steps I had completed I think it was all about ‘getting through them’. That somehow the quicker I got through them the quicker I would recover. Of course I didn’t get through them all that quickly to be honest, I found the questions difficult and the things being asked of me hard to do. I struggled for years to honestly find a HP I could believe in. Yesterday I read the questions differently. I understood what they meant, I understood what it was asking me to do. I’m not suggesting they are any more easier but I’m now at a place where they make sense. From this I have been able to see why it was so difficult before. The denial of so many things. Interestingly when I started another fellowships work book a few weeks ago I found the questions much easier, I thought maybe it was CoDA is all about being kind to ourselves, so I thought what was being asked was easier, but now I think it’s more about the fact I have listened. I have heard some things I don’t like recently, others opinions of me. But I listened. As our fellowship says take what is useful and leave the rest. But something’s were highlighted that I can work on. A lot of the negative behaviours highlighted are totally co-dependent behaviours. So I wasn’t really surprised to hear them even if it is never pleasant to experience it. With out sounding as though I’m justifying these behaviours I still feel at the moment that when I displayed them I actually had no idea – no idea of the impact on others or that they were in fact anything but normal. I thought that was who I was. It is who I am but with my programs I can learn a better way to live, and ask the god of my understanding to help me remove them.
So for now as I restart my journey I am grateful for what I have learnt so far, and with the help and love of my fellowships know I can become a better person.
Back to the future! Posted on March 13, 2016 by hopelesslesslyaddicted
Things went as I thought they would, he was open to my fears and concerns but knew the right things to say back! He’s going to try to get somewhere else has agreed to let me find my head (and heart!) but now it’s up to him to prove me wrong. Of course he said the right things he wants to have an easy clean and happy life free of drugs and in recovery ( apparently with me) but where as 6 months ago I would have been well made up hearing his words today I was cynical. Of course I (don’t) know it must be horrible being told that your plans for the future are being changed last minute that you are no longer welcome when just a couple of weeks ago you were, coming off drugs in prison with little or no control over a situation must be very dis empowering and that wasn’t / isn’t my intention. But keeping me safe from addiction is. There is no place in my life for drugs or the drama it brings with it. There is no place in my life for mistrust and the drama that comes with that either. It’s complicated for sure but I will get thro it. With the love and guidance from my fellowship and HP. It might take a little longer than I wanted due to outside agencies needing to be involved but what will be will be. I didn’t back down but have to be reasonable given the shortness of time. We have both agreed that it’s not reasonable to expect him to find somewhere at such short notice ( if his bro don’t help him) but likewise it’s not fair on me to live in constant worry and mistrust. Right now I wish I could just take off somewhere for a couple of months with my dog and come home and just get on with my life in peace…no addicts no dramas no messed up head and heart! It’s not denial, it’s not even running away but I would just like all involved to sort out their shit without me being dragged into it. I like K he can be good company he’s how he was when I met him ( and that is dangerous for me!) I don’t like wishing my life away I don’t even really want to hover over a future that hasn’t come yet but for once I would like to fast forward and see what where and who is in my life in the next 6 months….I don’t want to go back to the future, but I wouldn’t mind if Marty could have a look and tell me 😀
One year on and things are so much better. He relapsed sadly but I didn’t. It took another stint in prison for him before I finally got the courage to change the things I can, when blog posts come up on my FB feed I reflect back. With the program on my side I knew I couldn’t change him, that as he spiralled out of control and back into addiction there was nothing I could do to stop it. The program taught me that. It was hard. I was in love with a false image of someone. I was trying to do the right thing – it’s hard when you’re being asked to have faith that the addict will actually succeed this time, that they promise that this time it will be different, so you stay you believe and when relapse happens you stay and believe because you have to have faith they will find recovery! And so it goes. When I said to him I couldn’t stay any longer but did have faith that one day he would find recovery and when he did he could then contact me a small part of me didn’t expect him to stay away. It’s weird and has taken time to get use to the idea, that this time he has actually respected my wishes or maybe thinks he’s burned his bridges, but in the time I have known him he has always always turned to me in times of need. So now I wonder if you ever get over being with an addict. Is he alive? Is he using? Is he in prison? Is he in rehab? I would like to know if he’s ok, but can’t contact his family to find out as that might be misconstrued as me wanting him back. I don’t think he would understand my genuine interest in how he’s getting on as anything else. So there you have it.
I get comfort from a fellowship member who’s addictive loved one also disappeared offthe face of the earth. She too left wondering, tho she has heard that he’s alive in recovery and that must be so painful for her to know whilst she supported him when using now he’s in recovery doesn’t want to be with her. I dare say ashamed for what he put her thro, but hurtful all the same. I am grateful for my fellowship and I’m grateful that I can live in peace and serenity. I am grateful to K for respecting my wishes. So a year ago I wondered where I would be? And now I have my answer.
Today I came home to a letter from K. I knew he had written it of course he told me he had. It was in response to my letter the one that said I will support you and care for you but I don’t want to be your landlady mate friend I want to be with you in a relationship and I want you clean. If you can’t or don’t want that then we can go no further. His response went along the lines I needed to decide what I wanted to do, that if I didn’t want to be with him I needed to say so so he could talk to the resettlement officer. That he couldn’t be the image that I had of him in my head???
All I would like is for him to love me for me, to want to be with me, not for my money, my home, to want to be with me for me.
I have an image in my head in fact it’s not a good one but he probably doesn’t know that. The image I have is of an addict, that has used me over and over, has manipulated me had made me believe he loves me and used that to his advantage. But I still hang onto the fact we met when he wasn’t using we had fun we were a couple and loved up at that! Even when he was using he still treated me with love and respect for a while! Of course as he pushed what was acceptable and manipulated my love for him his respect diminished I never said no I enabled his habit made it easy gave him money fed him loved him he wanted for very little. The more I gave the closeness between us diminished, so I gave more hoping he would love me again….codependency at its best!
I will get answers at the weekend maybe. Of course he’s trying to get off the methadone right now so he’s clean when he comes out he’s got 11 weeks and 11 mls to get off. Unless u have been on methadone you won’t understand how hard and painful that is. He is ill he feels like shit and I totally understand when he says he can’t deal with my feelings right now. But there’s never a good time when he’s coming off methadone, but equally there’s no point in him getting out without me voicing my worries now and it not working when he does gets out because 1 he had no idea of my thoughts and feelings or 2 that if I didn’t say anything and we argued because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. With the chance of recall to prison if the police got involved 😔 ( which has happened when we fall out!)
Maybe I am too wrapped up in my own wants to see what he is doing or needs? Maybe I am basing my mistrust on the way he has treated me in the past maybe I have seen him come out of jail and the first thing he want to do is score and if he is addressed at mine he has me prisoner again if that is what he does when he gets out this time – well my alternative is call the police and he’s recalled for 17 months…is that what he’s thinking is he gambolling that I won’t call the police if he relapses? To be fair I am not sure he is, he is saying if I don’t want him here to stay here to say so, so he can find somewhere else, he doesn’t want to go back to jail he says he wants to be with me….but for the right reasons??? Sorry reader I am just putting down my thoughts as they are in my head at the moment so I can read them back tomorrow and try to make some sense of it all before my next visit! Thanks for reading – feel free to comment it helps me no end!
so in between Christmas and new year we stayed in macclesfield and came back to mine for the New Year….I don’t know why we bothered really. He was back in active addiction by now, using every day and of course the methadone. I have posted about New Years Day earlier in my blog so won’t repeat it. I wasn’t in work until the 5th so on the Friday we had to go back to Mac so he could pick up his script. I was working in Manchester on the Monday so I think we stayed at his for the weekend. So I wasn’t wasting money on fuel. I had a little job in the moring and I am not sure if he came with me or not but after I finished I either went back to Mac to pick him up or he was with me and we went to score. I think I came back for him as he scored in Mac, dealers were back now they had had their Christmas break! So inconsiderate didn’t they know I had to drive all over Cheshire and Lancashire trying to score lol! We then went to the leisure centre so he could have a dig. Work called me when I was waiting. It was only the 5th Jan and my money was running low already, but he had promised to give me the £100 he owed me the next day when he got his benefits. I have already explained what happened next (see 5th Jan post if you want to know) so after he came back to the car I dropped him off home and went back to mine so I could work from home. I still don’t fully understand what happened. He has said he didn’t want to drag me down. I think he had played me all the time. He had no intention of stopping using. He used me for the money until his benefits came through, and then dumped me. But this is the bit that I can’t work out. He knew he could use me for money. So maybe just maybe that little part of him that still has some decency left decided to letting me go was the right thing to do. Maybe he could see a change in me how ever slight, I was using language he had heard in rehab, he would pull me up for it. Saying why you using that term? We are not in groups now! And I would say but yes I am though I am still in my fellowship even if you are not. I am putting in to practice what I have learnt or at least trying to. Maybe he knew this time it wouldn’t be as easy. He would have to work a little bit harder to get his money. That he knew I didn’t want to live in a life of addiction any more. It’s now been 11 days since he last phoned. My mobile is still blocked to him. He can call the house phone at the moment, but I am thinking of getting a bar on that too. Maybe I am not ready to cut my ties completly? Maybe I like the thought of him wanting me, even if it’s just for money, just to have a bit of a verbal sparring match to see who wins? But if I am thinking like that then he has won.
So there you have it. What brought me here. I think my posts will be fewer now. I will read back and see if I have missed anything significant. No doubt I will remember something I haven’t told you. If I continue to write it will now be about my journey, through the steps. I might revisit things and analyse what I have done. What I would do differently. Maybe I will look at the impact on me.
When you live in the chaotic world of addiction, you can’t see much. My life became second place, no probably even further down than that. I am not anti drugs. I think some people can use them safely like drink. But some people can’t. Addiction any addiction creeps up slowly. You don’t even know it’s happening. My life had become unmanageable. I should be happy that I am free of that. But I doesn’t stop me loving the man I met. I know that I will never see that man again. I wish I could. Maybe one day he will make the break for real. All I ever wanted was that man back. That’s why I held out time after time, lie after lie, broken promise after broken promise, I understood it was the drugs that made him behave like this. I believed in him. I believed he wanted to be free, to be the man I had met. Addiction killed us both. The fun loving people we were eroded away. We became obsessed with money ( or at least lack of it) getting the next bag, me finding ways to restrict his usage him trying to find a new believable lie to get more money from me. We existed we didn’t live. He said once because I didn’t want him grafting it was the longest he had stayed out of prison and on the drugs. He said he usually had a bit of a break from it if he went to jail. He said his life of crime was over, that he wanted a good life with me. He thanked me for keeping him out of jail. He said he wanted us to be together which is why he didn’t go out grafting unless he really had to. We tried to live we tried to be normal do normal couple things at the weekends, go on holidays. We did. I don’t know how ill he was when we were away, he said the meth held him. And we sometimes had fun. I will hang on to the good times we had, because although there weren’t many when we were away from accessing drugs we did have a good time together. I don’t know if he really loved me. But if he didn’t then maybe he should go into acting because he played a very good part. Maybe he was just grateful….but for now let me believe he did love me even if it was only for a little while. This is now getting emotional for me so I will stop. Thank you for reading.
I had every intention when starting this blog to do it in chronological order but sometimes something happens that makes you change your mind! Today has been one of those days I don’t know if I will discuss with you the ins and outs yet but I want you to know just how horrible I feel. In September K stole from me. He persuaded me to let him come to mine, to try to do a home detox so I let him come. He no WE lasted a day and then went to score. Later in the day he wanted me to take him home, he asked if we could take the iPad I laughed and said no because I was short of cash and he would persuade me to take it down cash converters the next day. To cut a long story short he stole it but I didn’t know until I got home the next day. In my anger and feeling of total betrayal I told the police. Today I went to court and watched as he was taken to jail. That is bad enough but I also know that he is by now going thro rattle he has 4 weeks in jail, to get himself sorted out. We are actually good but knowing by now he is in pain and will probably get very little support because he so doesn’t want to go back to the meth is killing me! So this little post is just saying even tho there has been over 2 years of this story even when you do the right thing for you both the guilt is sometimes hard to bear. He made the choice today to go to jail knowing he would not only have to detox in jail but also not be out for christmas. He could have gone not guilty but there were other things like a suspended sentence which means he would have gone down anyway but I just wanted it on the record that I admire him so much for doing what is the hardest thing to do, for any addict. K I love you and hope you find the strength to get thro what is going to be a very hard time for you. I hope you really have reached rock bottom, I hope that maybe we will have a future at the end of this. I ask my HP to give you strength and guidance and hope to see you soon xx