No end in sight just yet

so the car is fixed I have new PIN numbers and cards and have been paid. Have paid what I owe back to my parents ( except ¬£75) for the locks as I have to MOT the car and need one more tyre and new brakes, but hopefully once that’s out the way no more expense! Since my last post I have had 2 signification phone calls one from the police asking if i could take K’s stuff to the detox centre. I said when I have time. The same day well nite he called ( breach of bail conditions but can’t  I be arsed!) asking if I could leave the stuff outside mine on Friday coz he wasn’t sure if the detox place would accept it until he had started there. He said he had a place  he was going in. I said by all means but there are 7 bin bags. Can’t I put it in a suit case? No I can’t and ur lucky I still have it. But take it get it from my yard and what ever is still there when I get back from work goes to the tip the next day. I don’t know if he has a place in detox whether he is just trying to get his stuff or back in the house. He can’t get in the house new locks! How he is going to get all his things 8 miles to detox isn’t my problem. Harsh? Yes but it’s the way it has to be and he should be grateful I don’t tell the police he called. Any shit and I will, but if he’s going to detox good, what good it will do I do not know. He tried to make out he had been evicted but chose his words carefully, the landlady has changed the locks…. I have been sleeping all over…yes well she would wouldn’t she because you can’t lock the flat  up because your keys are at mine! When u took off and acted on impulse! So yes she probably has changed the locks and given you a key so the property is secure! Yes u probably are sleeping all over coz u r trying to score and borrow money,  I did think for a minute or two that he had been evicted but then thought about the words he used. He didn’t lie but he didn’t tell the truth and that is exactly what you live with when you live with an addict in active addiction half truths   How many times did he say ‘I didn’t lie to you!’ ‘I am telling you the truth’  but it’s twisted, it’s not the whole truth and nothing but the truth it’s the what I want you to believe truth! Ah well enough for now maybe Friday will be the end of it for me. I hope so. Have to give an additional statement to the police tomorrow ūüė© they missed off something u told them from the original. Oh well better get some sleep another early start tomorrow – may we  find peace x 

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Mixed emotions 

today was one of them mixed emotions days. After battling with the car insurance people they conceded to have my car transported fromMacclesfield   to my home address. This had taken 2 lengthy phone calls and me insisting to talk to a manager before they agreed. I was told that as my car had been recovered and there was no damage then I was responsible to pay for the recovery and get the car myself. I explained that 1 both the holding garage and the police had advised me that the insurance company would pay for this – as was the normal procedure – and 2 at that point in time I still didn’t have replacement bank cards so was unable to get any money out as the nearest branch is 7 miles away and only open 9-5 my usual working hours. They basically couldn’t care less. It took a lot of persuasion and I was told repeatedly that I would now have it logged on my record that I had a fault claim against me…I kept asking what this meant, did it mean I was being held responsible for my car being stolen and the woman just kept repeating there will be a fault claim put on record, I kept asking what does this mean in plain English and the question was swerved more times than I can mention. However what ever it actually means in the long term,  I got the car back. It was not undamaged as promised though. Firstly when the car arrived it had the spare wheel on again. I asked the tow truck man if he knew why. It was like that when it came in. Great I had just paid out ¬£90 for that tyre, and if the spare was on must have a flat. Indeed I did. Well actually the tyre was ripped. He said that’s been done by someone hitting the kerb at speed! Great thanks K more expense! The car was covered in black finger print powder and looks a mess. But the inside was awful. I had left a bowl of my dogs food in the car, and the car had been taken before I had chance to take it out. It was still there. Upside down rotting and stinking in the front passenger foot well. I have a strong stomach but even I was nearly sick. The carpet is ruined. The car stinks and I think will need a good valet. But I got the car back. Also I got a call from the police to say K had been arrested. My heart was pounding when they told me. He was in Lancaster which scared me, what if he came here when he was released. Our stories didn’t match ( of course!) he said I had allowed him to take the car and my phone and he said he didn’t know the bank cards were there when I gave him the phone. Did I know he was disqualified from driving? No I did not! I knew he had been banned years ago but didn’t know he was disqualified. He said he often took my card and got money out but was told to be quiet by his solicitor and then gave a no comment interview. I said yes he knew my PIN number but he did not have permission to take money out of my account that day. The money I had was for something I needed – but regardless he did not have permission to take money from my account. I got the general feeling the police thought this was the avenue they would have to charge him with, as it was my word against his when it came to the car. ūüė• I felt upset I felt scared he might come here after being bailed even tho the police said he was bailed to out side the area. But last time he had bail conditions not to contact me but still did. I don’t know why I felt bad that he had been arrested but I did. It’s not like he didn’t deserve it but I still felt bad for him. I guess a very small bit of me still cares for him, don’t get me wrong as long as he chooses drugs I no longer can have anything to do with him. I can’t trust his motives any more and after speaking with Leeza ( yes Leeza the ex!) realise just how much of a user he is. Today has been hard.  Yes I have the car back but right now it’s stressing me out more because I need a new tyre and although my replacement bank cards came today I don’t have the new PIN numbers to activate them. I have limited money and can’t get to the bank in person to withdraw any more. But enough moaning as someone said to me today well next week will be back to normal! I wonder what that means?? I think I have forgotten what normal peace and serenity in my life feels like! I seem to stumble from one crisis to another. I do hope next week is normal, not my normal just quiet everyday normal. Funny how even with limited funds my money stays in my purse when I am alone! Once I can get to the bank and withdraw some money I am going to take Jet to the seaside again. Maybe I will be lucky tomorrow and the garage will accept a telephone payment my parents have come to the rescue again! And said if the garage will accept it they will pay for the new tyre so I am not worrying about my cash flow, but it’s another ¬£50 for yet another tyre, which I will have to pay back on Monday when I get paid. Then let’s hope normality ensues! Well I wish u peace reader and wish me peace too x 

Letting go of the anger and hurt

i was told yesterday that I was sounding less angry about the situation I am in and that was of concern to the person in question. I tried to explain that for me to have serenity and peace I had to let go of the feelings of anger, but got frustrated that by letting it go was seen as a negative thing rather than a positive thing. I tried to explain that holding  on to anger is not good. It makes you sick. If I can pass my feelings of hurt and anger over to my HP then they will deal with it all for me. Anger is very distructive, it makes people do things that they would rather not do. It makes people violent, it makes people scared, it makes people do things they regret. Addiction makes people do things they would rather not do, leaves them with a sense of no self worth, a continual down ward spiral of self loathing, every time they do something that was just a little bit worse than the last time to get a bag it proves yet again what a disgusting human being they are so want to block that out by using more. Addicts feel, they know after the event what they did to get the money was wrong was hurtful was bad, and self purpituates the feelings of despair and self loathing. But because of their disease they can’t just stop. It’s just not that easy. 

So am I hurt by his behaviour? Yes of course! Do I forgive him? Yes of course! Will I allow it to happen again? This time no. Am I sick and tired of being sick and tired? Yes I am and for his recovery have to now distance myself from the situation. I don’t expect some of you to believe it, why should you? How many times have I said enough is enough and then gone back for more? 

I think I have tried to explain before that for me it is difficult to seperate what is acceptable or maybe I should say unacceptable, from knowing that certain behaviours come from the disease. That the addict is a lost soul that desperatly wants acceptance and love probably more than some one not addicted to drugs, BECAUSE of the shitty things they end up doing. That being turned away again and again just reinforces that they are a ‘bad’ person that no one wants around so they might as well use drugs and behave in a certain way BECAUSE no one likes or cares for them any way and they certainly don’t like themselves, when you understand that THAT is why I have hung on in there. But it’s a catch 22! By accepting the unacceptable it makes it acceptable. So that is where the phrase ‘release with love’ fits for me. I understand why you do the things you do, I don’t think you are less of  a person for it because I know without the drugs you wouldn’t do these things, but until you are in a situation where you are no longer behaving like this then then I have to put myself first. 

So you see that is why I am not angry I am not ‘making excuses’ for his behaviour I am saying that is enough. It has rippled out and effected too many people not just me. I have to protect them as much as me. Being involved in a addicts life is never straight forward. But being angry doesn’t change the situation, it just makes it worse. For my peace and serenity I ‘let go let God’ because it’s not for me to concern myself with something I can not change, only change things I can, and hope I have the wisdom to know the difference. 

Back to the blog then! 

After a break I thought I would give you all an update if you are interested. After a short holiday in Cornwall, we came back to normality. I thought he had done very well he had been fairly well over the week we were away, we had some nice days out. Things weren’t too bad between us given the night before we left. Anyway I was expecting the question can we just go to…. On the way home and of course it came, it added an extra 2 hours to the journey I was tired and really didn’t need this shit on the way home but he promised the usual I won’t use until I get back to yours, it will only be 10 minutes…blah blah blah, heard it all before and knew it would be impossible for him to not use the minute he got his grubby paws on a fix! I suggested he stayed as he had to go back on the Monday to see his land lady – or so he said, but he didn’t want to. So on the Monday he disappeared back to mac and then came home a couple of days later. He had some money because he had got paid when we was away, so I wasn’t getting involved with it.

Then on the tuesday last week when he was paid again he said he had to go to pay his rent, he came with me to Liverpool and was going to find his own way ( by jumping the train probably! ) back to mac. He paid me some money ¬†he owed me in fact he gave me it all short of a tenner which for him was good. He had said some dealers had been in his flat when he went down the week before so it wasn’t locked up. I voiced my opinion that I thought it was risky leaving them there by themselves – not coz he has anything to steal but because letting them work out of there would be an instant eviction if the land lady found out. But hey non of my business! He called later to say he was going to see his sister that night and stop over, which I was cool with and that his crisis loan that he had applied for to go on holiday with should be in his account on Wednesday so was going to buy some trackies for detox, and then come home. He went shopping but didn’t come home! He said his mate was staying over as had just come out of jail and had no where to stay but would be back in the moring. I wasn’t too pleased but thought well he hasn’t seen him in a while and as long as he’s not asking me for money it’s no big deal. No actually what I thought was Bollox he’s going to be using with his mate and I could do with out this! Any way I am trying not to get involved with his using and giving my opinion on it as its not my life but his so kept quiet. He called Thursday morning to ask what time the train was back so I gave him two times but he never came back. He had now missed 2 days meth, and had been told that it would be stopped if he didn’t attend, so I reminded him of that, he said it was fine the chemist doesn’t close til 11:30pm and he would be home well before then. Of course I was more concerned with whether this was all bull shit and he was with her in Bolton. Then I got a call about 2pm ¬†could I help him out? His mate had gone off to score and not come back he hadn’t had his meth he was really ill,…. The usual shit, I explained that I was skint, after the holiday and the fact I had had to borrow some money myself due to needing two new tyres for the car, it was not really very convenient to give him money. I ended up killing or hanging up the phone over 30 times. But when he is like that he refuses to take no for an answer. In the end I transferred twenty quid into his bank on the promise that he would be on the 6:20 train home, he didn’t come back. He turned up on Friday. I don’t know if he got his meth, I wasn’t really bothered. I was going away for the weekend, but he had received a call from the detox unit with a date for him to go. Wednesday this week! I went away and had a nice time with the family, they met the dog and all was good. I came home early on the Sunday because I had got some plants that needed to go in at the allotment so came home early so I had time to plant them in the afternoon. I was ¬†tired from the drive, and he was sat there in his coat looking all pathetic. It was a lovely day so I knew he couldn’t be cold. What up with you? Ill was the response. Ill ill? Or rattling ill? Rattling, oh well that’s coz you have been hammering it since we got back from Cornwall – the sympathy stakes have been whittled away, I couldn’t care less if he’s rattling now. Can you help me? No. Come on love I am ill I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t. But you are always ill! So you are always asking… You are as bad now as when we were together in Mac, I don’t want it or need it.

You don’t want me here do you?

No not when you are like this no I don’t!

You seem to have given up trying, you did a week in Cornwall and since we got back you have used every day except one! You have detox in 4 days you are going to be really Ill if you continue using, you will be rattling and coming off meth.

I am going to be brief about the next bit, all I am going to say is this he took my car and my phone which had my bank cards in it. Since he took my bank card one night and took out money that I could little afford I keep the card with me at night in my phone case. I honestly thought he had gone to morecambe to score. It wasn’t until about an hour later when he hadn’t come back and I tried to call him and he didn’t answer the phone that I started to panic. There was not much fuel in the car, but I was staring to think he must have gone to Bolton because 1 he was refusing to answer the phone and 2 the length of time he had been gone. I went on line and saw he had indeed used my card and taken out ¬£30 ten in Carnforth and ¬£20 in Bolton, I went ballistic! I phoned again and again but he killed the call and then switched off the phone. I transferred all the money in the account into one he couldn’t access, and txt him to call me. He didn’t. So he had gone to see her before going into detox? If he was just buying drugs that would be bad enough but there was no reason for him not to answer the phone if that was all he was doing. I was livid. Taking the car and my phone was bad enough but spending money that was for something else no that was the last straw. By 8pm he still hadn’t come back. I contacted work as was at a loss as to what to do. I needed my car to get to work, this wasn’t on. I said I would have to get the train, but it would mean an early start for me but thought I could manage it. There was a train at 7:40 that got me in so I could get to where I had to be. But kept hoping he would return. By 11pm I gave up. I went to bed but didn’t sleep. The alarm went off at 6 but I had hardly slept every time I heard a car go past, a door slam, I was awake was it him? I decided to phone in sick, I was too tired to go to work and didn’t know what to do for the best.

I was physically and mentally exhausted. But I was thinking this is because of detox one last blast before he goes in he will be back later….but he wasn’t. I had to think ahead. I needed my cards back I needed bloody everything back, but how long to wait? ¬†I knew new cards would take at least 5 days the phone about a day or so the last time I had to have it replaced because I lost it it was about 2 days. If he didn’t come back for detox then what? I am working away next week should have been working this bloody week! I need to have my cards phone and preferably my car back by then! I decided I had no choice I had to report them all stolen. I started with the cards, those would be the easiest. 5 working days so it could be Monday next week. Not ideal but ok. Then I knew I would need a crime number for the phone. So would have to contact the police first. This was a bit tricky…. He wasn’t insured to drive the car and it had been over 24 hours so ¬†they would be asking why I didn’t just report it straight away….well because I thought to start with he had just gone to ¬†morecambe 6 miles down the road… Even when I realised he had gone to Bolton I still expected him back the same night, and to be honest even though I was majorly pissed off that he had taken money out of my account, I still thought he would be back for detox, and foolishly believed him when he said that’s what he wanted to do! I thought reporting it to the police would be more hassle than it was worth, he had used the car before but only to go to Morecambe, and even though I knew it was wrong it was sometimes easier than getting dressed at night and driving him to score. But I had given him fair warning! I had said answer my text call me or I WILL have to report the car as stolen and he still refused to do so, so all in all I think i was fair leaving it 26 hours before telling the police. How much more do you want to know??? It was Tuesday before I gave a statement ¬†it’s never as straight forward as you think it will be. The officer that took the statement didn’t ring back with a crime number then when I got it either the officer that gave it to me gave me the wrong number or maybe ( but I dispute this) I wrote it down wrong, so when I emailed the phone company with the details they didn’t process it , but didn’t call me to tell me! The car insurance people are just a bunch of numpties that haven’t a fooking clue! When I phoned to see how long they usually took before they decide the car is not going to be retrieved they didn’t know and kept asking whether I was going to press charges or not and even when I said but I have given a statement and said I will go to court wanted proof that I said I would press charges! I kept asking what proof do you need but they couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me, so ended up with me having to phone the police back and ask them to tell them, but and here’s the good bit….they aren’t allowed to do that because of data protection for fucks sake!!! By 4:30 yesterday afternoon I was ready to commit hari Kari!

In the mean time I had been onto find my phone app and could see where my phone was, my work emails , all my bookings for the year so far were disappearing and being deleted, ( not by me) any emails locating my phone’s location were also being deleted even tho the phone was supposed to be blocked! So I contacted the police in Bolton to tell them where my phone was and said I assume my car will be in the area too. It wasn’t, but at least they looked for me. Bolton isn’t in my county and my police force hadn’t informed the Bolton police that I had an address, so that pissed me off too. Bolton police come under greater Manchester police and I am sure that they are over stretched with all the cuts but you know what’s? They treated me with far more respect and understanding than my local police force did, so well done GMP! So that’s about it so far….it’s pretty shit living in the country with no car or cash card. One bus an hour to get to the nearest town that has my bank to take out money so over 21/2 hours to get to Morecambe and back just to go to the bank. Do I feel bad for reporting him to the police? For the inconviences alone no I don’t! Do I want to see him again most definitely not, do I feel sorry for him? Yes if that is what addiction makes you do then yes but if that’s just him not giving a shit about how his behaviour will impact on me then no, but more importantly I care about how his behaviour impacts on me – do not accept the unacceptable is a catch phrased used in my fellowship, in the last 72 hours I have experienced the unacceptable and will not accept it. So I guess that means I have moved on, I am learning and can rest easy in knowing that it’s ok to put me first.

I assume he didn’t make detox? He called me Wednesday morning. No doubt to ask for money and said the car had run out of fuel I asked him where it was he refused to tell me I said you know what? You could have told me it ran out of fuel 3 days ago but you didn’t and hung up. I haven’t heard back.ūüėĒ

Don’t suppose this will be the end of it…. I don’t doubt for a minute that he won’t be in touch either when they arrest him or find the car and then arrest him but I doubt very much this is the end of it, but this time for me it most definitely is. If you have read the blog from start to now you know I have said this is it the end blah blah blah but this time I see it for what it is and for what he is, and I don’t like him any more. Before I blamed the drugs the addiction, but it goes far deeper. On my journey to recovery I have learnt what I find acceptable and what is not and this is not and I will not accept it. He does not deserve me or my kindness, and we all know kindness is not a weakness and should never ever been seen as such.

For now readers I say bye and wish you peace x