1 year anniversaryĀ 

this weekend will be the anniversary of last weekend we had together before he went into detox…a year! I was scared but so happy because this is what I had put up with all the awfulness for. This was the start of our life together…well you have read much of what happened next…and then today – with perfect timing – he phoned again…different phone number of course! The upshot is this today is my pay day he knows that so phoned asking for money…of course it was sugar coated as usual I miss you can I see you this weekend? No

why didn’t you phone me back when I asked you?

 Why didn’t you phone me?

 No credit…still no credit ( hence borrowed someone’s phone) 

erm no ur number is blocked that’s why u are using someone else’s phone

Is it love why would you do something like that, you know I want to be with you why are you being so horrible to me?

 ME horrible to YOU!  Really! 

Listen love I really want to see you I will come up tomorrow..if you could just see me right for a tenner so I could get some food….? 

No I can’t…

Come on I know you have money…

I don’t get paid till tomorrow and besides I don’t want to give you any money…

You could if you wanted..,.and u got paid today…

I don’t get paid til tomorrow …Yes if I wanted to help u I could but I don’t want…I feel sorry for you I really do but you mean nothing to me any more you only phone when you want money and I WILL NOT HELP YOU! 

I will come and see you tomorrow please love come on I don’t want to get drugs just some money for food….

No I can’t talk to you any more ( hang up) 

Who’d have thought a year ago the man I loved so much would be such a nuisance now? Don’t get me wrong if I am 100% honest I do still love him of course I want that man I met back in my life but these last few weeks since Christmas have shown me he has gone ( if he ever existed)  I lived a dream my dream I am not even sure now he even wanted it. Life without addiction. No that’s not fair I think he does but doesn’t know how. And you know what reader? That is the sadest thing, there is a good man under that addiction, a kind man a supportive man a loving man a family man and addiction has stolen that away. But also because I am away from the chaos have had a few months at least out of that which became my  normality and can see it for what it is. I don’t want to or can’t go back to that life again. I should be glad that I have stood up to him that I am looking out for myself but I feel if I am totally honest with myself and you that I don’t want to give him up for all the heart ache for all  that horrible co- dependency wanting to feel wanted! Him wanting me for my money How bloody sad is that? But I also know for us both I have to….I have to say no I have to block the phone numbers I have to unplug the house phone not because I want to but because until he understands I can’t help him he can’t help himself šŸ˜” keep me in your prayers i need all the help and strength I can get right now thank you x 

Advertisements

Finding it hard and emotional šŸ˜¢šŸ˜¢

The last 48 hours have been hard…several unanswered phone calls and txt. In the end I conceded and txt him back. I said please stop. I can’t have you asking me for money all the time, you can’t expect me to help you, I care for you and feel sorry for your situation but if I continually give you money you will never have to get out of addiction. I can’t live with that on my conscience . ( release with love)
If I am honest the only way I can refuse him is if I don’t speak to him. If I do I am always talked round, and what’s more part of me still wants to believe what he says even though I know it’s rubbish. God I hate addiction, I hate what he becomes. I wish….I don’t know what I wish! I suppose I still wish he would call me and not ask for money, but I don’t suppose I would be happy with that cos I would be waiting for the ask!
I hate the thought of him now homeless ( if that part’s true) cold no food staying at friends…not even friends other addicts probably, this is what I struggle with, I am not one to see people suffering. 2 rescue dogs and a rescue cat. And now a crack/heroin addict! I know it’s not my job to save him only he can do that, but I don’t want to think of him suffering. I don’t suppose he is giving me one thought. This is the effects that addiction has on those that know addicts….constantly wondering what has happened to them, wanting to help but knowing we can’t in the way they want. When there was a chance he was dead I was hopeful that this was the end, I would no longer have to wonder about what had happened to him. Have closure and move on. But this this is worse, being constantly living in limbo, waiting for the next call. Block the number! Done it, he gets a new number. When he finished with me last year I found it hard to accept. Unfinished business. But after our last encounter I was finished with it. I had fallen out of love for him. So now what? Wait for him to call again on a different number, to play a game of wills again. It seems so unfair how long will it go on?
I didnt think it would be like this, even if I don’t give in to him he gives it a few days and tries again….I ask myself why I was chosen for this. 3 years ago I didn’t know about addiction like this, I didn’t understand the impact it had on the loved ones of addicts, I didn’t know about 12 steps Higher Powers, I didn’t know about methadone, I had heard of it but just thought of it as a substitute, didn’t know that it too was addictive, I didn’t know that someone you loved could go to such horrible lengths to get money from you, would lie would tell you anything to get another Ā£20. I didn’t know or had heard about co-dependency , that my love for him would be so deep and intense I would do anything to keep him, that he needed my money so much he would lie to keep me on side. That once you thought it was over it was only the beginning….

God give me the serenity to accept the things I can not change!

Sometimes I wish my higher power wouldn’t keep testing me! But it does….I really thought that blocking his number would solve my problem but no he has called asking for help again! I find it very hard to refuse him but have had to. I had the sorry tale of how he has been thrown out of his flat by the Landlady…not sure about that. I had can I get him some phone credit, to which I agreed but only if he let me get the top up code and send it to him, but no he wanted the cash so that didn’t happen. I said i would block this number too to which he said but I know your house number I will just call you on that! He said he missed me ( my money I think maybe!) that he will get his script transferred up to mine if he can stay with me! Oh yes of course you can come and stay at mine and when I go to work no doubt will rob me of all my possessions! AAGGHHH! What part of NO Do you not understand!

IMG_1363

A bit off track

Just my thoughts on things in general! As I have said I follow different blogs most are from people with addiction issues. Most are in recovery, I find strength from their journeys. They show me that there is a light, that sometimes we relapse, that it is possible to beat addiction whether that’s drugs drink enabling what ever…ok to live in recovery then! So to all of you out there that are guiding me through this thank you. I appreciate all of your struggles, some of you will see this some of you wont. It matters not as I know many will see this and it’s important that they know your journey is guiding my journey so I thank you

IMG_0069

My HP shows its self!

its was a lovely day September time I had been to work in Manchester in the morning and was making my way back to the car when my phone rang. I didn’t know the number and answered. Hi babe how u been….

it was K. As soon as I heard his voice all the love I felt for him resurfaced, I felt elated he’s phoned me he wanted to talk to me..stay strong Karen don’t give in if he asks for money you knew this call would come one day. I tried to sound annoyed at the fact he called what you want?

To see you.

Why?

I want to talk to you…

Why has the romance of the year…’ I have all the love I need with L’ move on… finished? I couldn’t help myself from being a bit nasty he had hurt me so badly and I wanted him to know my pain hadn’t healed yet.

I just want to see you?

mmm and what would the lovely Leeza say?

I don’t want to talk about her it’s finished, I have just read your letter….

What the letter I wrote when we split up,

yes

bullshit

she must have opened it and hid it

really so that’s why you were saying things about it to me when we broke up on the phone?

I didn’t read it til now….

i didn’t believe him but I want to see where this was going.

Will you come and see me please, I want to see you.

if I come don’t ask me for money.

i won’t I promise. Where are you?

At the MRI I have just finished work.

So you can come over now?

Yes I suppose. I so wanted to see him again but knew if I did I wouldn’t be able to say no to him if he asked me for money.

Ok I am with my brother we are picking up a puppy. Will you come to the flat.?

How long will you be?

About an hour.

Ok I will get something to eat and meet you there.

I made my way out of Manchester and went to get some fuel. He called again, you will come over won’t you?

I told you yes!

Ok good I really want to see you… And I am sorry…

It was Friday I didn’t have to be anywhere I had nothing to loose! He wanted to be with me or at least see me what harm would it do?

I set off towards Macclesfield. Part of my brain was screaming at me don’t do this, he will only want you for money. But I couldn’t say no…the pull was to great.

I thought this will be my test, I can do this my HP will guide me and prove its existence!

It did I got a puncture! FFS on a roundabout I had seen the tyre needed a bit of air the day before but in my usual tardy way left it. So now I was getting a bit of devine intervention. I managed to get off the roundabout and was at the side of the road on a dual carriage way coming up to rush hour! Marvellous! I phoned the rescue service but they were going to be an hour….I phoned him. I have a puncture….where are you? I explained where I was. How long before the rescue gets there? About an hour. Ok well we will come. Ok thanks. Stay there! Erm not going anywhere lol! The puncture was on the off side nearest the traffic, but after about 20 minutes a man stopped and asked if I was ok. Puncture! I say but have phoned the AA (automobile association not alcoholics annonimous) how long will they be? The man asks about an hour, I can get it done for you in 5 minutes? Thank you I say but it’s very dangerous there and I would feel awful if you got hurt…. 5 minutes I can’t leave you there for an hour! I phone K and let him know… I will go the flat I say, no need we are nearly there…we arrange to meet at a retail park just down the road from where I am. The man changes my tyre and won’t accept payment. I cancel the rescue service and make my way to the retail park. 5 minutes later he jumps in the car. Had your hair cut nice! Thanks. Now listen babe ( he kisses me) I need you to help me out…here we go I think…its not what you think…. It’s exactly what I think (I think) I could seein his face he was using again he was so thin….what it is I put my tv into cash converters and I need to get it out but its shut down and I need to go to a store in Manchester but if you give me the money I can pick it up tomorrow. You must think I am crazy? No but I don’t want you wasting fuel driving back to Manchester my brother will give me a lift so all I need is the money….and how much are we talking? Oh only Ā£20…. So the same amount as a bag?? No well yes…but it’s not for a bag….K stop lying. It doesn’t work with me. I know when you are lying, I can see it in your face hear it in your voice,….ok so will you help me?

Will I pay for your drugs? No. I will give you a lift back to Macc and then I am going home. Ok but why don’t you stay?

I don’t want to stay if you are using again….come on stay at mine and we can go to yours Saturday? I don’t know…come on you know you want to ! And I did. I so wanted to be with him…where’s your phone, the battery’s dead I say, it was I had had to call him on my work phone on my last call. But he was routing thro my bag anyway. It’s a new one! Yeah I was due an upgrade in July. Nice. Thanks

So can I get a thing then love? I really don’t want to give you money K. I know I won’t ask again please then we can go to yours, we can go tonight if you want or tomorrow you can have a coupe of beers if you stay I don’t know why I can’t say no to him, it is obviously a defect in my characture I hope I have now gotten over this need to keep him happy to keep him in my life! Time will tell but for now at least ( then I mean) I couldn’t say no. So we go off to score I buy some lager on the way back to the flat, and crack one open whilst he has a dig. Time was ticking on and I wasn’t sure if I could be bothered with Friday night traffic so had another beer. We were chatting about nothing I asked if he wanted to come back to mine for the weekend? I was working back towards Manchester on the Monday so I could bring him back then, he seemed keen. I got my bag I don’t know why but I got my phone I knew the battery was dead but something guided me to it anyway ( my HP strikes Ā again,) the case was there but no phone šŸ˜« where’s my phone I ask him…. In your bag? No K the case is here but the phone is not, you were messing with it in the car! It must be in the car he says….so like a fool I go and look for the phone, half thinking well he will probably but it back in my bag when I go down now and say he has found it! Of course the phone wasn’t in my car! I couldn’t ring it cos the battery was dead so I knew if he had it in the flat I couldn’t catch him out. I was livid. It was obvious he had taken it. Why did I never learn! Did he think I wouldn’t notice? I went back upstairs to the flat it’s not there I say! Well I don’t know where it is…really you expect me to believe that you don’t know where my phone is you were the last one with it, he had the decency not to say anything. You really are unbelievable, I grab my bag ( check my cards are still in my purse) and go. I was mad at him for not being truthful with me after I had given him money to get drugs I was mad at myself for giving in to him, on some hope that he might actually want to be with me and not my money, I was mad at myself for not listening to my HP or Devine intervention giving me a flat tyre to stop me going to him in the first place, I felt trapped I knew really I shouldn’t drive after a couple of cans of lager but what choice did I have? I couldn’t stay with him now not after he had stolen from me. I went home bitterly disappointed at myself and at him. Why did I love this man? Did I love him so much that I go back again and again accepting his lies as the truth? It would seem so!

Of course Ā we all know that this isn’t the end of the story….when I get home I have another beer! And then I txt him with my work phone! OMG I should have just gone to bed! But no I txt him and say I really thought he meant it when he said he wanted us to get back together. I didn’t mention the phone! All I wanted was him to want me…of course he jumped on the chance. I do want us to be together. Come and get me tomorrow we can spend the weekend together I say I can’t but maybe the following weekend. Come on love I need to get away from Macc I need a break from it all. So I’m the morning I go back and get him and bring him back to mine. He says he has meds from the doctor a home detox…could he do it at mine. Yes i say but you can’t get me running back to Macc if you can’t do it. I promise love I want to get off this. I can stay at yours for the week. So I bring him home.

Still single!

So the date thing didn’t work out for me…there were several reasons, and I actually had a long hard look at my self before making the decision to not see him again. There were 2 main reasons first, as good looking and as funny as he was something wasn’t right. ‘IT’ was missing. Normally if a good looking fella shows me interest I am like a panting dog…and this guy was, and I felt totally at ease with him but something just wasn’t clicking. Maybe because he was of a very small frame? I don’t know have been out with small men before it doesn’t usually bother me…. So I don’t know what went wrong physically šŸ˜” the second and main reason was his neediness! I like a man who is attentive that’s good, sending texts, calling showing an interest is good, sending me the right signals that everything is moving in the right direction and he likes me yep can go with that. What I was feeling uncomfortable about was his ‘pushiness’ first of all it was a txt ‘when u finish work come over and see me’ Erm no! It’s a 2 hour round trip where he lives and after work getting changed getting food and then driving over wasn’t going to happen….which is why I knew it wasn’t right. If a man says jump I usually do….so I explained I didn’t want to drive over after work, as I would be tired and it was a 2 hour drive. It then got into a bit of a battle of wills…he would come here on the train….again I am thinking I am not sure I want this man in my house we have only met once, it seems a bit full on. But I concede and agree to him coming over on Wednesday. First he wanted to come yesterday to which I said no. Later in the evening we are texting and he asked what I was doing I said just watching a bit of tv then bed….mmmm can I come was his reply. Not really I think so I txt so were you expecting to stay on Wednesday? The upshot was yes he expected to stay! I said as nicely as I could that that wasn’t going to happen, that we had only just met and that I wasn’t ready to jump into bed with him….OMG!!! Then he turned…why was I playing him along if I had no intention of sleeping with him? That I obviously lived in a Victorian age that wasn’t any use to him, that he had loads of women that he could sleep with ( yes I said then go get one!) that I needed to loosen up and get over myself….I turned the phone off after saying I didn’t have to justify to him or anyone else why I wanted to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them, that I want to know a man is worthy of me before giving myself with out reason. I woke up to 7 more txt messages. I don’t have to bore you with the details…they ranged from I am worthy of you to sorry can we start again to if you don’t want me to contact you again I will delete your number…..needy!
It’s funny when K & I weren’t together I was desperate to replace him, to have some one in my life to hang out with do stuff with, so if he called I could have said I am with someone, leave me alone a security blanket but this weekend taught me that actually I don’t care if I am with someone or not. I actually didn’t like being dictated to about when I should see someone, or sleep with them. I like to be able to do stuff when I want to do things, not because someone is telling me to. I like my freedom. Am I over K? Maybe maybe not….I don’t want him back but I don’t want a replacement either. I don’t want to be with someone just to be in a relationship, that is for sure. Date man said many women sleep with someone and stay with that person after for a long time, granted some couples do, God knows I have had one night stands in the hope of something more permanent, and maybe I have learnt from that? What I don’t want though is a ‘Jeremy Kyle’ relationship were someone is moving in after you have had a cup of tea with them! So if that makes me Victorian and uptight so be it at least I know I am not compromising myself for the sake of not being single! šŸ˜„

IMG_1362

Bit of goodish news

Ok just cos I am sure you want to know! The date was ok…we got on on a superficial level…he doesn’t listen I start to speak and he talks over and gives his opinion on what I am talking about. Not good! He has an interesting view of the world seems a bit spiritual into Chinese horoscopes – so a positive. Thinks he really wants to be in a relationship ( regardless of who I am) not good. Is actually quite amusing and made me laugh – good. Physically very skinny – not good I like a man to weigh more than me not a fatty thank you but I want someone at least to make me feel like a ‘little woman’ I like how he looks ( face) good. He turned up in a dirty coat covered in oil not good. For the first time I have been doing this dating thing in the gaps K and I have been not together I actually felt at ease and enjoyed his company! Very good then! But he doesn’t have a job not good and I really don’t want to go down this I provide for everything route again! So readers, I am going to give him another go but sadly don’t think it is going to be the romance of the year. I feel bad for saying that, because I know he is a nice man ( which for his negatives I think he is) it seems very shallow of me to say I don’t want to date him because he hasn’t got a job šŸ˜” but at 52 I want someone that is at least working or financially on a par with me. If that is shallow then I am, but please feel free to tell me what you think x

No posts

I am aware that I haven’t written anything for a while….but a lot has been going on since last weekend…I have had no contact which is good, and today I have a date…which is scary! But the sun is shining I have woken up with no pain in my back ( have been in agony all week because of sciatica) so will get back to my story and maybe the new chapter later!
The story of K needs to be finished, but there is still much to write.
After he walked out of rehab I was devastated as I have said I wanted to die the pain I felt emotionally and physically was horrendous. But with help from my dear friends I got on with life. I worked hard and went where ever they wanted me to go, I saw places I had never been before thro work and had a good summer. The weather was brilliant and most days when I had finished work sat out side in the sun. Was getting a good tan! The pain was lessening, but I still missed him very much. Not the horrible life we had lived but him the good man I had fell for and put up with all the bad times for, in the hope of getting him back. Weekends were the hardest. My friend Ali was very much in love and obviously saw her man most weekends so I was left by myself. I tried to get back with N&N but they wanted nothing to do with me, I txt them and said me and K have split he has left rehab and is living with another girl, the reply I got was short and to the point, never thought he would amount to much maybe see u around sometime. So I had lost my best friends though cutting my self off. I didn’t blame them of course, I see them occasionally in the town but apart from a very curt hello get nothing back from them. The casualties of addiction ripple out from the addict. I had cut myself off, from people, because I didn’t want to have to explain myself or him to others. He didn’t want me mixing with people that I might tell my side of things too. At the time I thought it was just he didn’t want me talking about him, but I think it’s deeper than that. He knew what he was doing to me was wrong, he didn’t want others influencing my decisions. He didn’t want the chance that someone I cared about and cared for me might tell me to get out of the hopeless situation I was in, they did all the time, but I choose to believe he wanted out of the situation too, what did they know? I was the one with him he told me again and again that he didn’t want to live like this that he wanted to be clean of the methadone ( it was always the methadone not the heroin that he wanted to be free from) The allotment grew and I was busy with that. My bank balance was getting better, I still over spent most months, but it was my doing not because I had to give someone else my money! All in all it was a good summer. As I got stronger emotionally I tried a bit of Internet dating, met a few fellas but none did it for me. But they didn’t really stand a chance because I was still in love with K.
During the summer I was away from home for a couple of long court cases. One was 6 weeks. During that time I broke away from my fellowship ( support group). What did I need to do the 12 steps for? I had no contact with him, drugs were no longer a part of my life, I understood that by my enabling him with money etc he didn’t have to reach his rock bottom, I provided everything for him. So I stopped attending the meetings. That was a big mistake, but I didn’t think that I would see him again, I didn’t understand how an addicts mind works. I knew I never wanted to be in that situation again, so even as someone had said to me that he would be back, I thought well if he does come back I won’t enable him. And besides if he relapses then I don’t want to be part of his life. I won’t go back to living like that again. I never wanted to in the first place, it just crept up on me because I didn’t know what was happening. I was still very much in denial! So I contacted one of the group and made an excuse to stop attending. To be fair as I was living away from home at that point it was actually difficult. My meetings are via Skype and the hotel I was staying at only had wifi in the public areas so it wouldn’t have been possible to attend meetings confidentially. But also having to confront my shortcomings every week I thought wasn’t helping me forget him and move on. No that sorry hurtful painful part of my live needed to be closed and forgotten about, weekly meetings just reminded me, it was too painful. I foolishly fell into the trap that some addicts do…if you stop going to meetings the chance of relapse is high very high! It has to become a way of life, you can’t just attend a few meetings and think you are cured. But I did, think I was cured. My addiction had been taken away from me so I didn’t need to do the work to keep me clean!

Being grateful

I follow a blog written by a guy that is in recovery, he is doing good. I enjoy reading his blogs because he is honest and I think has integrity. He gives me an insight into how an addict thinks, behaves. Of course it is only one man and it’s his journey, but I learn much. I learn about how K actually has very little control over his behaviour whilst he is in addiction. I knew that any way but it’s good to have the affirmation. He shares his journey as I share mine but he understands the 12 step programme far more than me, I still struggle, I would have liked to be more successful in my recovery. I know the theory but can’t put it into practice. I want to know how partners/ spouses live with addicts and can refuse to enable? How do they do that? Why can’t i? I have said how just today I failed again, because for me it’s easier to give in and just give him the money than put up with the constant demands cajoling lies compliments. Even now when we aren’t in a relationship why can’t I say no? Because he is in the car in close proximity? Only once last year have I been scared by his behaviour to fear for my safety, and on that occasion I didn’t give in, because I really didn’t have the money to give him without making it very difficult for me to get to work. I don’t want to live in his addiction, and he doesn’t want to be with me today more than proved that. I hope I can learn enough from my programme not to relapse again. I know I don’t want to live in addiction, when I do give in I don’t feel good, because I have failed myself. I know my journey is for me at my own pace, but when will I be able to live it for real???

The end is in sight….

He phoned again i didn’t answer. He txt me, I didn’t answer straight away….he asked me to call him, his phone was off. What the hell is going on he wants me to call him and his phone is off! I am not proud of what has happened over the next 48 hours but I am now really ready to move on. Eventually he answered my text. I went to my sisters and left my phone at home. I found that a bit hard to believe so just said how did you get there on the bus? ( considering he had been asking me for money!) No C picked me up and gave me a lift home this morning. Oh that’s good. I said. He was his usual funny charming self. He brought the subject around to money, his benefits had been stopped, he had to go to the food bank for food, he was giving me the big sell, could I see anyway of helping him? I said I couldn’t, but said I would get him some food and bring it over on Saturday. I got up early and went shopping for him, I called him but his phone was off again! I thought you know what, I don’t want him in my life so why have I even bothered. I think because I just wanted to see him and say good bye to say I can’t be with you you don’t want to be with me so let’s say good bye and let me move on because I can’t when you keep calling me and txt me. But I thought I can’t see him go without food, he asked me to be a friend to him and I was up for trying but not at any cost. I took the shopping home and put it away, there were a few things I wouldn’t have bought for myself but thought if I have to eat it I will. Anyway I thought I would forget about it and just get on. I was a bit cross I didn’t have the chance to tell him I didn’t want to see him again but thought in the long run it would be for the best not to see him.
So I filled the rest of my morning shopping for clothes and down the allotment. I was on my way to get some compost when my phone rang…of course it was him. I over slept I am on my way to the chemist, it shuts at 1:30 what time is it? 1:15,
can you phone me back in 10 minutes?
Yes! So I did…I have some food for you, I was going to bring it over…
Thanks maybe it would be better if you bring it tomorrow, we could go out somewhere? I will call you to let you know what time,
So I agree, I will call you tonight to sort it he says.
He didn’t call he txt me about 9pm, just said goodnight xx
I got up about 8am, I went to a friends to pick up some manure for the allotment and put it on one of the beds. I came home and got a shower re packed the shopping and gave him a call, the phone was still off. It was knocking on 10:30ish I thought I won’t be there until 12, so made the decision to go. I thought if he isn’t there I can leave the shopping and at least I haven’t lost a full day, waiting for him to call. I txt him to say I am coming to yours if you are not in I will leave the shopping at the door. When I arrived all his windows where open his flat is on the first floor, so I assumed he was in. I knocked on the door but there was no reply. As I had come in the front door I noticed that there were a couple of letters for him on the side. The penny didn’t drop right then, but it became very clear that he obviously wasn’t at home and hadn’t been at least since yesterday. He had stayed out somewhere, the letters were from the benefits agency there is no way he would not have opened them on Saturday. And as there isn’t a post on Sunday…..so I go back to the car, txt him to say bye K please don’t ask me for anything again I wish you well x
I was unsure of how I felt. Relief I knew if I had seen him he would have got money off me even though I had practiced in my head what I would say, I knew in my heart I couldn’t say no, without walking away. I felt a bit of frustration that I couldn’t say what I wanted, I suppose also that I couldn’t finish it hopefully at least on friendly terms. But now I realised he had very probably been away from home for 3 nights….so where was he? I was about 30 miles from his when my phone rang, I didn’t want to answer it but I suppose I wanted to hear what he had to say for himself. Where are you he asks, near Wigan on the M6 I have left the shopping, where are you?
Manchester, you know I couldn’t get anything in Macc so jumped the train, about 12 O clock
I was at yours
I know I told you not to come til I called you
And I wasn’t prepared to sit in waiting and setting off half way thro the day.
Can you pick me up?
Not really no!
I can’t get back on the train…there’s people on the gate…
Where are you?
Manchester…
You want me to come to Manchester?
No I am where we went to score from that black guy…
Wythenshaw?
No the other side Salford…
For god sake I will call you back….
I get off the motorway and go back towards Manchester, I was on the East lancs road which brings you into Salford, so I give him a call…
There was background noise, he was making a brew, you are making a brew?
Yeah so
So you are in someone’s house, you said you were in Manchester
I am
So who’s house, how dare you if you are with her, what the hell do you think you are doing phoning me?
I haven’t seen her for months ….he changed the subject, I said again he was in a house so he obviously has slept there, and so he would be better asking her to help him out who ever it was.
He told me I was paranoid, that it was me he wanted to be with that he wasn’t with anyone he turned it round to say that I shouldn’t have gone to his that he said he would call me when he was at home, I responded by saying I didn’t want to waste my day waiting on him so dropped off the food, I didn’t want to see him.
But I did want to see him, that was the problem, and always is šŸ˜” can you get me from the station? I am now at Bolton.
Woah! That’s where she lives! He is with her. No I will not come to Bolton You are with her. I am not. No no I won’t come to Bolton you said you were in Salford, yeah it’s the next stop its only 5 minutes away. Yes on the train! Sorry I came on to Bolton coz I can’t score in Manchester. He was tripping himself up left right and centre. But Bolton he must think I am stupid, and I am so I make my way to Bolton. He was at the station, I get In the lane to get back to Macclesfield. No we need to go straight on I need to score. I need to go the loo, I said I had been driving around about 3 hours now and was needing to go! We pull into macdonalds. Before he said he had scored already, I thought you had scored I ask. Only half a bag look if we get a couple of bags now I will have enough for tonight and in the morning. I know you have helped me with the food, but could you lend me some money and once I get my benefits sorted I will pay you back.
No you never gave me the money back last time, if you pay me that back then I know I can trust you and then maybe, but now no.
I will give it you back come with me for my medical on Tuesday they will back date my money I will give it to you, you can have my cash card…
We had had similar conversations many times before.
You said that last time K. You never gave me the money back you just fell off the planet.
Did you really think I was dead.
Yes.
You are better off without me I could see how it was upsetting you that’s why I didn’t get in touch, I didn’t want to hurt you.
But you did, you owed me money and you disappeared. How can I trust you?
I was a bit pleased that I had now said what I had wanted to. The practiced response had come out. We went in to Macdonald. The toilet was upstairs, are you eating he asked, yes why? Looks like you have lost weight….mmmm very good I think he had already asked if I had had my hair cut and that it looked nice. This is how he works, compliments, makes me feel good and then I feel bad to think that he is using me.
I go to the loo and come out, we get into the car and I say, shall we continue the argument?
Come on love please, he is just up the road, then we can go somewhere.
I had thought about not bringing my cash card with me, that that way I couldn’t give him any money. But I dont like not having it on me incase something happens an emergency, plus we had sort of made plans on going out, but as it was now close to 2pm I was of the thought that that wouldn’t be happening.
I don’t know why I give in but he is like a broken record, every time I say no he always comes back with the usual I will give you the money when I get it on Tuesday, no I say you haven’t done it before why will this time be different? You know it will be you can have my card blah blah blah….I knew I wouldn’t get it back this time or any other but just to shut him him….I said this is exactly why I didn’t want to see you…I knew you would ask for money, that’s why I give in to you to shut you up. So we went to the cash point I took out Ā£20 he came out the car I gave him the money he kissed me said thanks he’s just up the road will be 5 minutes. Should I wait here then? Yes
I go back to the car after about 10 minutes he txt me 5 mins it says. After 30 mins I txt him gonna be much longer been 30 mins? I give it another 5 mins and phone….surprise surprise phone is off. I wait 5 more minutes and txt him gone home. So I did. As I was driving I sent him one more txt btw there was mail for you at the flat that’s why I know you haven’t been at home.
I then blocked his number.
It’s now finished, he can’t contact me on that number at least. It’s over and now I can really move on. I actually got the outcome I wanted from today and to be fair a bit of shopping and Ā£20 is worth it. I wanted to finish it I wanted to say good bye, I didn’t get that chance, to his face, but now it is over. I have been nothing to him for a while, he was desperate to contact me and I should have blocked his number on Thursday when he called me, but just one last chance to see if he really had changed. But no he hasn’t. I hope that this time I have. šŸ˜Š