1 year anniversary 

this weekend will be the anniversary of last weekend we had together before he went into detox…a year! I was scared but so happy because this is what I had put up with all the awfulness for. This was the start of our life together…well you have read much of what happened next…and then today – with perfect timing – he phoned again…different phone number of course! The upshot is this today is my pay day he knows that so phoned asking for money…of course it was sugar coated as usual I miss you can I see you this weekend? No

why didn’t you phone me back when I asked you?

 Why didn’t you phone me?

 No credit…still no credit ( hence borrowed someone’s phone) 

erm no ur number is blocked that’s why u are using someone else’s phone

Is it love why would you do something like that, you know I want to be with you why are you being so horrible to me?

 ME horrible to YOU!  Really! 

Listen love I really want to see you I will come up tomorrow..if you could just see me right for a tenner so I could get some food….? 

No I can’t…

Come on I know you have money…

I don’t get paid till tomorrow and besides I don’t want to give you any money…

You could if you wanted..,.and u got paid today…

I don’t get paid til tomorrow …Yes if I wanted to help u I could but I don’t want…I feel sorry for you I really do but you mean nothing to me any more you only phone when you want money and I WILL NOT HELP YOU! 

I will come and see you tomorrow please love come on I don’t want to get drugs just some money for food….

No I can’t talk to you any more ( hang up) 

Who’d have thought a year ago the man I loved so much would be such a nuisance now? Don’t get me wrong if I am 100% honest I do still love him of course I want that man I met back in my life but these last few weeks since Christmas have shown me he has gone ( if he ever existed)  I lived a dream my dream I am not even sure now he even wanted it. Life without addiction. No that’s not fair I think he does but doesn’t know how. And you know what reader? That is the sadest thing, there is a good man under that addiction, a kind man a supportive man a loving man a family man and addiction has stolen that away. But also because I am away from the chaos have had a few months at least out of that which became my  normality and can see it for what it is. I don’t want to or can’t go back to that life again. I should be glad that I have stood up to him that I am looking out for myself but I feel if I am totally honest with myself and you that I don’t want to give him up for all the heart ache for all  that horrible co- dependency wanting to feel wanted! Him wanting me for my money How bloody sad is that? But I also know for us both I have to….I have to say no I have to block the phone numbers I have to unplug the house phone not because I want to but because until he understands I can’t help him he can’t help himself 😔 keep me in your prayers i need all the help and strength I can get right now thank you x 

Finding it hard and emotional 😢😢

The last 48 hours have been hard…several unanswered phone calls and txt. In the end I conceded and txt him back. I said please stop. I can’t have you asking me for money all the time, you can’t expect me to help you, I care for you and feel sorry for your situation but if I continually give you money you will never have to get out of addiction. I can’t live with that on my conscience . ( release with love)
If I am honest the only way I can refuse him is if I don’t speak to him. If I do I am always talked round, and what’s more part of me still wants to believe what he says even though I know it’s rubbish. God I hate addiction, I hate what he becomes. I wish….I don’t know what I wish! I suppose I still wish he would call me and not ask for money, but I don’t suppose I would be happy with that cos I would be waiting for the ask!
I hate the thought of him now homeless ( if that part’s true) cold no food staying at friends…not even friends other addicts probably, this is what I struggle with, I am not one to see people suffering. 2 rescue dogs and a rescue cat. And now a crack/heroin addict! I know it’s not my job to save him only he can do that, but I don’t want to think of him suffering. I don’t suppose he is giving me one thought. This is the effects that addiction has on those that know addicts….constantly wondering what has happened to them, wanting to help but knowing we can’t in the way they want. When there was a chance he was dead I was hopeful that this was the end, I would no longer have to wonder about what had happened to him. Have closure and move on. But this this is worse, being constantly living in limbo, waiting for the next call. Block the number! Done it, he gets a new number. When he finished with me last year I found it hard to accept. Unfinished business. But after our last encounter I was finished with it. I had fallen out of love for him. So now what? Wait for him to call again on a different number, to play a game of wills again. It seems so unfair how long will it go on?
I didnt think it would be like this, even if I don’t give in to him he gives it a few days and tries again….I ask myself why I was chosen for this. 3 years ago I didn’t know about addiction like this, I didn’t understand the impact it had on the loved ones of addicts, I didn’t know about 12 steps Higher Powers, I didn’t know about methadone, I had heard of it but just thought of it as a substitute, didn’t know that it too was addictive, I didn’t know that someone you loved could go to such horrible lengths to get money from you, would lie would tell you anything to get another £20. I didn’t know or had heard about co-dependency , that my love for him would be so deep and intense I would do anything to keep him, that he needed my money so much he would lie to keep me on side. That once you thought it was over it was only the beginning….

God give me the serenity to accept the things I can not change!

Sometimes I wish my higher power wouldn’t keep testing me! But it does….I really thought that blocking his number would solve my problem but no he has called asking for help again! I find it very hard to refuse him but have had to. I had the sorry tale of how he has been thrown out of his flat by the Landlady…not sure about that. I had can I get him some phone credit, to which I agreed but only if he let me get the top up code and send it to him, but no he wanted the cash so that didn’t happen. I said i would block this number too to which he said but I know your house number I will just call you on that! He said he missed me ( my money I think maybe!) that he will get his script transferred up to mine if he can stay with me! Oh yes of course you can come and stay at mine and when I go to work no doubt will rob me of all my possessions! AAGGHHH! What part of NO Do you not understand!

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A bit off track

Just my thoughts on things in general! As I have said I follow different blogs most are from people with addiction issues. Most are in recovery, I find strength from their journeys. They show me that there is a light, that sometimes we relapse, that it is possible to beat addiction whether that’s drugs drink enabling what ever…ok to live in recovery then! So to all of you out there that are guiding me through this thank you. I appreciate all of your struggles, some of you will see this some of you wont. It matters not as I know many will see this and it’s important that they know your journey is guiding my journey so I thank you

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My HP shows its self!

its was a lovely day September time I had been to work in Manchester in the morning and was making my way back to the car when my phone rang. I didn’t know the number and answered. Hi babe how u been….

it was K. As soon as I heard his voice all the love I felt for him resurfaced, I felt elated he’s phoned me he wanted to talk to me..stay strong Karen don’t give in if he asks for money you knew this call would come one day. I tried to sound annoyed at the fact he called what you want?

To see you.

Why?

I want to talk to you…

Why has the romance of the year…’ I have all the love I need with L’ move on… finished? I couldn’t help myself from being a bit nasty he had hurt me so badly and I wanted him to know my pain hadn’t healed yet.

I just want to see you?

mmm and what would the lovely Leeza say?

I don’t want to talk about her it’s finished, I have just read your letter….

What the letter I wrote when we split up,

yes

bullshit

she must have opened it and hid it

really so that’s why you were saying things about it to me when we broke up on the phone?

I didn’t read it til now….

i didn’t believe him but I want to see where this was going.

Will you come and see me please, I want to see you.

if I come don’t ask me for money.

i won’t I promise. Where are you?

At the MRI I have just finished work.

So you can come over now?

Yes I suppose. I so wanted to see him again but knew if I did I wouldn’t be able to say no to him if he asked me for money.

Ok I am with my brother we are picking up a puppy. Will you come to the flat.?

How long will you be?

About an hour.

Ok I will get something to eat and meet you there.

I made my way out of Manchester and went to get some fuel. He called again, you will come over won’t you?

I told you yes!

Ok good I really want to see you… And I am sorry…

It was Friday I didn’t have to be anywhere I had nothing to loose! He wanted to be with me or at least see me what harm would it do?

I set off towards Macclesfield. Part of my brain was screaming at me don’t do this, he will only want you for money. But I couldn’t say no…the pull was to great.

I thought this will be my test, I can do this my HP will guide me and prove its existence!

It did I got a puncture! FFS on a roundabout I had seen the tyre needed a bit of air the day before but in my usual tardy way left it. So now I was getting a bit of devine intervention. I managed to get off the roundabout and was at the side of the road on a dual carriage way coming up to rush hour! Marvellous! I phoned the rescue service but they were going to be an hour….I phoned him. I have a puncture….where are you? I explained where I was. How long before the rescue gets there? About an hour. Ok well we will come. Ok thanks. Stay there! Erm not going anywhere lol! The puncture was on the off side nearest the traffic, but after about 20 minutes a man stopped and asked if I was ok. Puncture! I say but have phoned the AA (automobile association not alcoholics annonimous) how long will they be? The man asks about an hour, I can get it done for you in 5 minutes? Thank you I say but it’s very dangerous there and I would feel awful if you got hurt…. 5 minutes I can’t leave you there for an hour! I phone K and let him know… I will go the flat I say, no need we are nearly there…we arrange to meet at a retail park just down the road from where I am. The man changes my tyre and won’t accept payment. I cancel the rescue service and make my way to the retail park. 5 minutes later he jumps in the car. Had your hair cut nice! Thanks. Now listen babe ( he kisses me) I need you to help me out…here we go I think…its not what you think…. It’s exactly what I think (I think) I could seein his face he was using again he was so thin….what it is I put my tv into cash converters and I need to get it out but its shut down and I need to go to a store in Manchester but if you give me the money I can pick it up tomorrow. You must think I am crazy? No but I don’t want you wasting fuel driving back to Manchester my brother will give me a lift so all I need is the money….and how much are we talking? Oh only £20…. So the same amount as a bag?? No well yes…but it’s not for a bag….K stop lying. It doesn’t work with me. I know when you are lying, I can see it in your face hear it in your voice,….ok so will you help me?

Will I pay for your drugs? No. I will give you a lift back to Macc and then I am going home. Ok but why don’t you stay?

I don’t want to stay if you are using again….come on stay at mine and we can go to yours Saturday? I don’t know…come on you know you want to ! And I did. I so wanted to be with him…where’s your phone, the battery’s dead I say, it was I had had to call him on my work phone on my last call. But he was routing thro my bag anyway. It’s a new one! Yeah I was due an upgrade in July. Nice. Thanks

So can I get a thing then love? I really don’t want to give you money K. I know I won’t ask again please then we can go to yours, we can go tonight if you want or tomorrow you can have a coupe of beers if you stay I don’t know why I can’t say no to him, it is obviously a defect in my characture I hope I have now gotten over this need to keep him happy to keep him in my life! Time will tell but for now at least ( then I mean) I couldn’t say no. So we go off to score I buy some lager on the way back to the flat, and crack one open whilst he has a dig. Time was ticking on and I wasn’t sure if I could be bothered with Friday night traffic so had another beer. We were chatting about nothing I asked if he wanted to come back to mine for the weekend? I was working back towards Manchester on the Monday so I could bring him back then, he seemed keen. I got my bag I don’t know why but I got my phone I knew the battery was dead but something guided me to it anyway ( my HP strikes  again,) the case was there but no phone 😫 where’s my phone I ask him…. In your bag? No K the case is here but the phone is not, you were messing with it in the car! It must be in the car he says….so like a fool I go and look for the phone, half thinking well he will probably but it back in my bag when I go down now and say he has found it! Of course the phone wasn’t in my car! I couldn’t ring it cos the battery was dead so I knew if he had it in the flat I couldn’t catch him out. I was livid. It was obvious he had taken it. Why did I never learn! Did he think I wouldn’t notice? I went back upstairs to the flat it’s not there I say! Well I don’t know where it is…really you expect me to believe that you don’t know where my phone is you were the last one with it, he had the decency not to say anything. You really are unbelievable, I grab my bag ( check my cards are still in my purse) and go. I was mad at him for not being truthful with me after I had given him money to get drugs I was mad at myself for giving in to him, on some hope that he might actually want to be with me and not my money, I was mad at myself for not listening to my HP or Devine intervention giving me a flat tyre to stop me going to him in the first place, I felt trapped I knew really I shouldn’t drive after a couple of cans of lager but what choice did I have? I couldn’t stay with him now not after he had stolen from me. I went home bitterly disappointed at myself and at him. Why did I love this man? Did I love him so much that I go back again and again accepting his lies as the truth? It would seem so!

Of course  we all know that this isn’t the end of the story….when I get home I have another beer! And then I txt him with my work phone! OMG I should have just gone to bed! But no I txt him and say I really thought he meant it when he said he wanted us to get back together. I didn’t mention the phone! All I wanted was him to want me…of course he jumped on the chance. I do want us to be together. Come and get me tomorrow we can spend the weekend together I say I can’t but maybe the following weekend. Come on love I need to get away from Macc I need a break from it all. So I’m the morning I go back and get him and bring him back to mine. He says he has meds from the doctor a home detox…could he do it at mine. Yes i say but you can’t get me running back to Macc if you can’t do it. I promise love I want to get off this. I can stay at yours for the week. So I bring him home.

Still single!

So the date thing didn’t work out for me…there were several reasons, and I actually had a long hard look at my self before making the decision to not see him again. There were 2 main reasons first, as good looking and as funny as he was something wasn’t right. ‘IT’ was missing. Normally if a good looking fella shows me interest I am like a panting dog…and this guy was, and I felt totally at ease with him but something just wasn’t clicking. Maybe because he was of a very small frame? I don’t know have been out with small men before it doesn’t usually bother me…. So I don’t know what went wrong physically 😔 the second and main reason was his neediness! I like a man who is attentive that’s good, sending texts, calling showing an interest is good, sending me the right signals that everything is moving in the right direction and he likes me yep can go with that. What I was feeling uncomfortable about was his ‘pushiness’ first of all it was a txt ‘when u finish work come over and see me’ Erm no! It’s a 2 hour round trip where he lives and after work getting changed getting food and then driving over wasn’t going to happen….which is why I knew it wasn’t right. If a man says jump I usually do….so I explained I didn’t want to drive over after work, as I would be tired and it was a 2 hour drive. It then got into a bit of a battle of wills…he would come here on the train….again I am thinking I am not sure I want this man in my house we have only met once, it seems a bit full on. But I concede and agree to him coming over on Wednesday. First he wanted to come yesterday to which I said no. Later in the evening we are texting and he asked what I was doing I said just watching a bit of tv then bed….mmmm can I come was his reply. Not really I think so I txt so were you expecting to stay on Wednesday? The upshot was yes he expected to stay! I said as nicely as I could that that wasn’t going to happen, that we had only just met and that I wasn’t ready to jump into bed with him….OMG!!! Then he turned…why was I playing him along if I had no intention of sleeping with him? That I obviously lived in a Victorian age that wasn’t any use to him, that he had loads of women that he could sleep with ( yes I said then go get one!) that I needed to loosen up and get over myself….I turned the phone off after saying I didn’t have to justify to him or anyone else why I wanted to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them, that I want to know a man is worthy of me before giving myself with out reason. I woke up to 7 more txt messages. I don’t have to bore you with the details…they ranged from I am worthy of you to sorry can we start again to if you don’t want me to contact you again I will delete your number…..needy!
It’s funny when K & I weren’t together I was desperate to replace him, to have some one in my life to hang out with do stuff with, so if he called I could have said I am with someone, leave me alone a security blanket but this weekend taught me that actually I don’t care if I am with someone or not. I actually didn’t like being dictated to about when I should see someone, or sleep with them. I like to be able to do stuff when I want to do things, not because someone is telling me to. I like my freedom. Am I over K? Maybe maybe not….I don’t want him back but I don’t want a replacement either. I don’t want to be with someone just to be in a relationship, that is for sure. Date man said many women sleep with someone and stay with that person after for a long time, granted some couples do, God knows I have had one night stands in the hope of something more permanent, and maybe I have learnt from that? What I don’t want though is a ‘Jeremy Kyle’ relationship were someone is moving in after you have had a cup of tea with them! So if that makes me Victorian and uptight so be it at least I know I am not compromising myself for the sake of not being single! 😄

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Bit of goodish news

Ok just cos I am sure you want to know! The date was ok…we got on on a superficial level…he doesn’t listen I start to speak and he talks over and gives his opinion on what I am talking about. Not good! He has an interesting view of the world seems a bit spiritual into Chinese horoscopes – so a positive. Thinks he really wants to be in a relationship ( regardless of who I am) not good. Is actually quite amusing and made me laugh – good. Physically very skinny – not good I like a man to weigh more than me not a fatty thank you but I want someone at least to make me feel like a ‘little woman’ I like how he looks ( face) good. He turned up in a dirty coat covered in oil not good. For the first time I have been doing this dating thing in the gaps K and I have been not together I actually felt at ease and enjoyed his company! Very good then! But he doesn’t have a job not good and I really don’t want to go down this I provide for everything route again! So readers, I am going to give him another go but sadly don’t think it is going to be the romance of the year. I feel bad for saying that, because I know he is a nice man ( which for his negatives I think he is) it seems very shallow of me to say I don’t want to date him because he hasn’t got a job 😔 but at 52 I want someone that is at least working or financially on a par with me. If that is shallow then I am, but please feel free to tell me what you think x