today following my programme is easy…it’s not – but it’s easy to set boundaries to read to think about how I want to live my life, a life free of addiction, of pain, of constant worry. Today I am able to follow my programme only because I am free from the addict or at least the addict in active addiction. A few weeks a go I told him that in a letter. How good my life was, how I could do things for me, my life is simple but it’s more or less happy. I miss the good times we had together doing things, going places, but I don’t miss the constant struggle of juggling money trying to live a ‘normal’ life to outside eyes, hold down a demanding job, the worry of OD the worry of not having enough money to get to work if I was sent somewhere last minute, the incessant jealousy over his ex and the arguments, the police getting involved. No one in their right mind would get a buzz off that sort of drama would they?? Maybe as my life unfolded on this blog it made for good reading? Maybe it was shocking to see what someone you knew was going thro had been thro? That’s why I stopped posting the link to Facebook and other social media and only posted on the blog site. Because I wanted to write I needed to off load my thoughts and feelings but to people that followed my blog, most of which have had similar issues around addiction or genuinely were concerned for my well being, it felt safe, it’s wasn’t about others getting off on reading about my misery. I seem a bit hung up on that at the moment don’t I? The last 3 posts have been around being used by people, ha this whole blog is about me being used!
I will probably continue to revisit this theme as I get stronger.
He was upset by my letter said it was nasty. I said it wasn’t, it was my understanding of the life I lived, the pain I felt, the effect he had had on me. Own it! I didn’t need to sugar coat my pain, I lived in denial for too long, covering up my hurt until it came out in drunken anger and rage. That’s not living that’s existing and I don’t want that in my life.
My worry is now continuing on my programme keeping the boundaries in place not allowing addiction back into my life. I now have a completely different idea of what releasing with love means. It doesn’t mean I can’t have contact with him it means I have contact on my terms. But to have the strength to walk away from the drama. It’s about releasing my self from the drudgery of addiction. Of loving myself enough to not take second best. Last night I stood up for myself within the fellowship I was asked to do something I didn’t want to do and held firm. I hadn’t agreed to it, and I didn’t want to do it. 6 months ago I would have fallen over my self to step in save the day, so people might like me or even worse thought I was awful because I didn’t do it. The group could have not happened and it would have been my fault. But the group did happen someone else lead the group. I wasn’t forced or compromised to do something I didn’t want to do! It felt good that I had stood my ground, that saying no was acceptable. Not backing down. But more importantly I didn’t feel bad or guilty. I lead the group for over 8 months it was agreed someone else would take it over, 3 people would take it in turns I was not one of those 3 so it was not my place to save them. It’s not my place to save anyone but my self.
Just For Today I will have my programme I might not follow it exactly but I will have it! I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a life time!
my last blog was about how I don’t want others feeding off dramas in my life…getting a hit a buzz what ever comparing their ‘perfect lives’ with my dysfunctional one. Sounds a bit harsh the dysfunctional! Ok I had drama I had all of a sudden a different life style, I went from an ordinary ‘middle class’ woman with a good well paid job to not having any money and living day to day in a world I knew nothing about…I needed to talk to someone- of course. That aside my fellowship plus the others NA, AA, GA, FA…. We talk we share we get strength from that, but for me we don’t get a buzz from hearing others pain, we understand we share our own experiences to comfort others.
A fellow blogger has just celebrated his 2 year anniversary free from drugs the biggy the one no one really understands ( or had taken) in my circle of people the big H! I can’t tell you how much strength I have had from following his blog, his successes his odd failure trying to give up the cigarettes, his honesty. If you read this read his if you don’t fromstruggletostrength.wordpress.com Eric Ease is the name he uses to write his blog. This man has consitantly given me hope and strength, has been free with his experiences his struggles thro his life. When I read his blog I think if only K could do this, it’s possible this man is living proof! He explains things in a way that is easy to understand even if you don’t have exprence of addiction. He has kept me going at my lowest points, has given me hope for anyone that has addiction, has made me seen how my life has/had to change, how addiction is so bloody hard to leave to one side how it tries to mug you off and persuade addicts to use.
So this post is to say thank you Eric you are an inspiration my friend, congratulations on your 2 year anniversary you will have many more, you give more strength and hope than you probably realise, and sometimes taking strength from others is all we can do, it’s a positive – and it’s definitely not the same as sucking the life force from someone or getting a buzz from others misery 😊
well so much for writing more often, but then life kinda got in the way again! I came to the decision that as much drama I might or not have in my life it’s mine! I came to the conclusion that certain people I thought were close to me were probably getting a kick off it and have since distanced myself from them. It’s a shame because I considered this person as one of my closest. However they became so wrapped up in their own life I had the time to think about what I was getting back…and what I had. Living with addiction isolates you. You don’t want people to know because it’s all consuming. Everything you do is focused on the addict. Everything else stops…work family friends…you wear a veil but sometimes let some see the real you. It ain’t nice, I have shared that shit already. So when you let someone in its a big deal. When u tell them everything or nearly everything it’s a major thing to do…why? Coz you are talking about the addict the one you do everything to protect the one you don’t want people to know about what they are going thro’. Don’t get me wrong you are protecting yourself too, you know why! The talk the gossip the preconceived ideas about addiction, the I knew someone who’s uncles cousin smoked weed/took E’s/had a line of coke! Took an acid trip in the 60’s and still is in a mental institution…the usual shit, but heroine nah that’s big league low league not something that nice people do – people I know don’t do that…so u see we are careful who we choose to tell about it at the time. Some things come to a natural end friendships I mean, we move on drift apart or may be just maybe we become to realise that some people ain’t worth it. Take advantage. Get a buzz out of your misery but when they have what they want in life leave you at the roadside to deal with it alone!
This same person was the one that told me I didn’t need my fellowship any more that now ‘the addict’ wasn’t in my life I didn’t need to continue with my step work. And I held this person in so much regard I believed them. I had to start over like so many addicts I guess, we think we can do it alone but in reality we can’t. If we are not in the right mind set with like minded people then we can slip back to old ways and old habits. 12 steps has taught me that I can’t do it alone I need like mined people around me those that are going thro have been thro the same shit as me. But the most important thing I think I have learnt is I don’t need to be with blood suckers those that get a buzz from my life those that think it’s ok to take from me but give me nothing back, addict or otherwise I have no space for vampires. It’s interesting that when I was living with addiction this was his mind set, he didn’t want me talking he didn’t want me mixing with those outside our life, back then I thought it was a power and control thing, thought it was a shame thing, thought he didn’t want people to know but now I think it’s coz he could see the buzz outsiders get, the gossip value, people having something else to focus on make them selves feel better?!?
I have come further than I thought in a year I have learnt much but rather than focusing on the addict I am now at last focusing on me and what I need or rather what I don’t need in my life. I can say honestly I love my fellowship, they know they have lived it too. We don’t come to the rooms for gossip, for weighing up who’s better off or worse off, we come to share our experience strength and hope with like minded people. We focus on us not the qualifier that brought us there. At last I think I am starting to understand it. And now have the strength to turn my back on those that don’t actually help me in my journey. That is huge for me…I am alone I don’t have many people in my life so to turn away those that I don’t think serve a purpose is massive. But I have decided to be alone is better than being used at their convenience when they can fit me in their busy schedule. Maybe that sounds bitter but actually it’s just the step work in action, I cannot be used by anyone addict, friend, anyone.
Since joining my fellowship I have learnt that I can’t do the steps in 12 days 12 months even who knows 12 years! I wanted quick fix answers to a problem that I thought was mine to fix! Then I came to understand that actually it wasn’t mine to fix and i couldn’t fix it even if I knew how to. Giving it over to my HP meant I could actually focus on things i could fix – me!
when I started the work I never thought I would ever get my head around it, but what kept me coming back was hearing others sharing their experiences strength and hope and thought if it works for them maybe it could work for me too? And now? Well it’s me sharing my experience of how I have changed my focus, set my boundaries ( which still get bent at times!) and have given the job of fixing to a power greater than me. Sometimes I read a blog that I follow and think wow yes I can totally relate to that! It might be from a recovering addict a using addict, and I think you know what? our situations aren’t all that different, we might be on opposite sides of the addiction spectrum in as much as I was focusing on the affect living with someone else’s addiction as apposed to fighting the/living in addiction but we are all fighting every day to follow a new way of life, putting our trust in a higher power and hopefully getting strength and hope from our fellowships and the love we receive there.
I am going to try to find more time to start writing again, not to gossip about what is going on in my life right now with my qualifier (K) but to put the spotlight on me again to look at what I achieved.. Time will tell I guess!