Awesome! 

Last night I was privileged to be invited to a surprise party in celebration of a ‘first year’ in recovery party. I can’t tell you how special it was. One year clean of drugs after battling with a disease that takes so many. To be in a group of recovering addicts it’s truly magical. The hope that radiates from them is tangible. I was more than lucky to be invited as I didn’t know the guy personally but know his wife. For us affected by another’s addiction this is what we dream of, we get it wrong we push them into recovery when they don’t want it, we make them feel like shit because we want them to stop using drugs – they want to stop but it’s not that simple. In the UK rehab and detox are not easily available on the NHS we don’t have the funds for private treatment centres – that’s for the rich and famous! But last night knowing that this individual had faced his demons and will have had the resolve to stay off the drugs for a whole year was most definitely worth celebrating. This morning I thank his HP for giving him the strength to do this, for his gorgeous wife who has stood by him, and arranged his special evening and my HP for guiding me to this life where I can celebrate the successes, but also be there for those who’s loved ones haven’t got there yet. We have to remember this is their journey when the time is right they will find recovery, we have to have faith. 

I feel truly blessed that I have been given access to this amazing community, and whilst I work in my recovery give thanks for all those that are also finding theirs. 

Enough of being a pawn

When you are wrapped up in co-dependency you can become a pawn in a game that you don’t think you have any control over…in fact you might not even know you are a pawn! I look back and wonder how much I was played without realising. Other people’s agendas and fucked  up lives.  As things and stories unravel truths come out I wonder just what part I played in fact in the case I am thinking about I wasn’t even aware I was in some ‘master plan’ being played. But truths come out like I say and even tho my pride is a bit hurt from what I now know I also wonder if it was meant. Or if it was that persons way of looking for an escape. 

I am doing ok. I have been lazy with my step work I try to blame my sponsor for not pushing me even though i asked her too but it’s not her responsiblity it’s mine. But at last I think I have stopped people pleasing. If I don’t want to do something I don’t have too. With my qualifier back in jail I have been able to think about me again. I am getting stronger. He keeps phoning and has written asking for money. I say no. The time before last when he called he asked for money I evaded the question didn’t answer yes or no, but was deliberate in not answering. He asked if I could see what I could do…I said I would, but to me that meant I don’t have to see what I could do I didn’t need to see what I could do, I wasn’t going to do anything….it was just easier than getting into a battle by saying no directly. Last time he called he was going on and on even said you said you would see what you could do…yes I said but that didn’t mean I was going to give you anything, just I will see….he then said but if you send me some money I can phone you. I am afraid I didn’t even think the words came out before I could think of the impact – I reacted! But for once reacted in my favour. I could hear the words come out my mouth I didn’t like the tone of my voice I wish I could have said it in a nicer way but I just didn’t give myself time to think. I didn’t breathe I heard myself saying – why the hell should I pay you to phone me? The line went dead he hung up – good there was nothing more to say. Maybe he’s getting the message that this time I mean it it’s over. He’s not my responsiblity I get nothing from this relationship ( I use that word loosely!) you can give and give but if you get nothing in return eventually you have to walk away. Draw a line under it. It’s not his fault he has this disease. But it’s not mine either. He actually was honest enough to say in his letter that he won’t make promises he can’t keep any more. That words are just that words and he needs to action it not talk about it. I feel sorry for him. I think he has had his chance – too many times. Twice he’s been given rehab. He even did detox in jail, and even tho he knows it makes him sick he lives a hopeless life on the rob to pay for his drugs or selling them until he gets arrested and back in jail he still goes back to it. Again and again. A hopeless case ☹️ don’t get me wrong I know I too was on that merry-go-round I too was repeating the same behaviours hoping for a different outcome, that little co-dependent voice is still trying to mug me off whispering but what if this time he does stay off the gear??? Well if he does then Well Done K! But I can’t live a life wondering if he will relapse the minute something doesn’t go his way. Which is way I must let go. I said to someone the other day, if he could use ‘socially’ smoke a bit of crack or heroin for a bit of pleasure I could accept it. I have a drink at the weekends or what ever it isnt something I HAVE to do. I know others that smoke crack snort coke have a joint but it’s controlled. 

I have gone way off my point! I guess to finish off I am getting more aware of being played, I will no longer be a victim, I catch myself all the time, saying stuff that really is trying to make people feel sorry for me. Not about the addict. But poor me I have had to do this or that. I might not have stopped it but I am becoming aware of it.  I am getting better! 

Bringing the story up to speed….

i am aware that I have tended to jump about abit it wasn’t my intention as I have said before I had meant to start at the beginning and work my way thro. I didn’t think I would still have contact, when I started, I thought this will be a great way of helping me put it to sleep, a record of what happened and had then hoped to start on my journey through the the 12 steps, maybe just voicing the problems I was encountering and it more becoming a diary. I thought by now I would be telling you all about boring life stuff! So I am now going to try really hard to stay focused and catch up with events as they happened not as they are happening! I will hold off that until I catch up, then it can be an as it happens blog.

So he came back to mine with the promise of a home detox. The first day he stayed in bed slept most the day and night, or at least was sleeping when I checked on him. I thought well maybe just maybe this time he is going for it, but reminded my self that this was only the first day we had done this before! He ate some food but said he was feeling ill, but I didn’t expect anything else. He had looked shocking lost loads of weight. This was different from before. At least when we had been together he had the meth, that held off the worse of the rattle starting he could manage a couple of days before it kicked in. But this time all he had was some medication from the doctors, I didnt probe what they were, he was always very Cagey about talking about stuff, probably cos he was lying!

The next day he asked if we could go out. I was surprised I didn’t think he would be up to it. Where you want to go?

Dont mind love you decide just want to get out the house before you go back to work tomorrow…

ok Blackpool?

Yeah

ok well you know it’s the week before pay day so I haven’t got loads of money so don’t want me to be buying beer and meals out!

No love that’s fine just be nice to see the sea! Have missed us going out places.

yeah me too!

I don’t really go places with out a reason when I am alone. I will go somewhere if I have a purpose but don’t just take myself off. I used to when I had the dogs used to go somewhere nice for a walk but don’t really have the motivation when I am alone.

So we have a brew and off we go. As we are getting close to the turn off for Blackpool he says I am not feeling well….

oh you want to go home?

No but do you think there is any chance I could go and get a thing , please love you know I don’t like asking but I feel really ill, and then we could go to Blackpool and have a good time.

No I can’t afford for you to buy drugs and then go to Blackpool it’s one or the other….

i am really ill it’s no further than Blackpool you won’t be using any more fuel,

K it’s and extra 60 mile round trip to macclesfield…

Not to Bolton….

Bolton? You want me to go to Bolton? Where she lives!

Come on love I can get sorted really quick then we can get something to eat later….

In my head I am screaming NO no I don’t want to pay for your drugs but what can I do? You’re  here in my car why do you always get me into this situation where I feel as though I can’t get out of it with out giving in? Why when  the last thing I want to do is enable you you make it so difficult not to? I am trying to give you reader an understanding of what it’s like for me. When this happens. There was no point in going to Blackpool he would just sulk and say he felt ill and not get out the car…. I could go home but then what I would have him in the house rattling, he gets moody and snappy I don’t want that. I can’t afford to go to macclesfield and back home then back to macclesfield. My head was spinning….  Ok ok I will take you to Bolton,

aw thanks love! 😄

we go to Bolton he makes a few calls and I go to the bank take out £20. He says I promise I won’t use til we get back to yours.

Ok I say…..thinking I doubt it!

We go up a street and he tells me to wait gets out and waits for the drop on the corner. He disappeared. I think ok here we go I am in for a wait, but after about 10 mins he comes back….I need a chemist.

Ok

I know one ( of course he does!)

the chemist is on a main road there is parking out side he asks if I have any money for a drink says he is thirsty. He goes to the chemist and comes back with a bottle of water and his pins. I start the car. Wait he says….

He gets out his gear and opens the pack from the chemist. He is about to use right in front of me in my car in broad daylight on a high street! I feel sick. But why can’t I say anything? I couldn’t I wanted to cry….he had never done this before. I didn’t know what to do….what if someone came past it might be a Sunday but it was early  afternoon! I looked away I didn’t know what else to do. He cooked up and injected himself….this was a step beyond….he must have been desperate but in front of me? I knew he couldn’t wait he never could but in the car in broad daylight…..disgusted didn’t come close.

we went back home I was furious. We packed up our stuff and put things in the car…can we take the iPad love? Well there isn’t much point I say you will just put it in cash converters! I was laughing when I said it but we both knew it was the truth. I had very little money left to get me through to pay day. I had spent an extra £80 on drugs that I hadn’t really budgeted for in the last week I had to get to birmingham later in the week ( I wasn’t sure how I could afford it but thought I might get the train so I could use the works credit card)!i had a couple of hospital jobs so needed the cash I had for parking. I did actually have about £70 but any more hits for drugs and I would be shafted!

We set off and when we were about 20 miles from Macc  he asked to borrow my phone, he made a couple of calls. Do you think we could go to Congleton? What for? ( as if I didn’t know ) I dont have any more money! Come on love I know you have? I am not well you could help me if you wanted.

I have £12 I need £10 for parking tomorrow….

i know you have more money you’re just making it hard for me…

no I am not I don’t have any more money!

I don’t know why I drove to Congleton but I knew I had to somehow keep him on side, I couldn’t afford to drive home I didn’t want us to fall out I was starting to panic the old feelings of fear creeping back.

What have you got in your purse?

i don’t know have a look….

theres only £12

i told you that

how much have u got in the bank?

I have about 15 but I need it for work….

we had pulled up in front of the coop. Go and get it out on cash back.

no

this isn’t enough – he was getting angry, I need more money you have it go and get it for me I need it now! He was shouting at me I felt scared, I mean really scared I was frightened for the first time that he might hit me, I had never seen him like this before. There was real anger in his eyes I had never seen him look like this before,  They won’t give me anything for this £12 isn’t enough!

No I say, I needed the money I had, I shouldn’t have to justify how I spent my money to him or anyone else. He got out the car slamming the door. In my head I said God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change ( him) to change the things I can ( me) and the wisdom to know the difference ( I can’t help him only myself)

about 15 minutes later he came back….I don’t know if he got what he wanted but he was in a better mood.

We went to the flat, and went to bed. Before we went to sleep he asked what time I was leaving in the morning. About 9:30 well I will have to get up early and do some grafting ( robbing) so I can score if you won’t help me. You do what you have to do. I can’t give you what I haven’t got.

He left early but did make me a brew before he left! I went to work and he called me, babe please I am really ill please help me….

K I cant I cant afford it,

i have been out all morning but can’t get anything I need you to help me….

look you addiction is your business I can’t help you it’s not my job to help you…I was pulling on everything I had read and heard in meetings……I was still scared of him after his outburst the day before, if you want to use that’s fine I can’t stop that but I can choose not to pay for it, I can’t control you or your addiction but I can control what I do….phew I had said it, I felt good but bad at the same time, this was a huge risk if he was only with me for my money this would be the proof… I could loose him for ever….I have to go I say and hang up.

i went to work and  in between jobs I read my SESH book, I came across a page, I opened the book at random….

image

It was a light switch moment… later in the day I phone my sponsor and asked if I could come back and start the steps again Yes of course! I felt so elated! I felt as though once again my HP had shown me the way I was thinking I had at last seen the light…it was making sense! I had done the right thing and my HP had guided me to this reading, to prove it!

I went home after I had finished work, happy my happiness was a little bit tinged with the sadness that he hadn’t called me since I said I couldn’t help. But wasnt really surprised. But after his out bust and how scared I had felt thought I was better off with out that sort of abuse in my life. If that had happened to a friend I would have told them to get out and quick!

When I got in I unpacked the car, and settled down, I went to get my iPad from where I left it and it wasn’t there. I looked around in place it should have been but Couldn’t find it. I was dumbfounded is probably the best word for it. The abuse I had endured the day before? He had taken it and knew he had it all the time? But still thought it was ok to make me feel scared for my safety!!! To shout at me to call me names and be generally abusive and threatening, when he knew he had my iPad in the car all the time! How dare he he had gone too far this time, to steal from me after all the kindness I had shown him, the unconditional love I had given him, and he thought it was alright to steal from me? No this time I would not let it go…he had stolen my phone but because I was still so in love with him and wanted him back I ignored it….I did  something I have never done in my life before that went against everything I actualy believe in but felt this time I had no choice…. I phoned the police and reported it.

The visit

So I got though the next week and could hardly wait to drive to Liverpool to see him. I was nervous of course I knew he would be ill, but this would be the first time I had seen him without drugs in his body ( not including prescription drugs) since we went to Egypt for my birthday the October before. Not that he changed when we had been on holiday in fact he didn’t seem to have any negative affects at all. He had been given some tablet form of methadone, it was strong and he said it worked well but they wouldn’t give it to him in England. It was too expensive or something. But it held him well so he wasn’t too irritable. Plus he drank a lot which I guess helped. Well not helped but stopped the feelings of wanting to use. Also he had things to do we went snorkelling and swimming, so he was busy. So now in cold dreary England he was having to deal with all the feelings of withdrawal from heroin and crack plus a reduction in his methadone, so I wasn’t expecting miracles.
I found the house, and was greeted by staff. He came out and was looking well. Had a bit of colour to him and his face didn’t have the long drawn look it usually had when he is using. He took me to the family room and we made small talk. He was ok he was attending groups he spoke about himself, eventually asking how I was and how work had been. I was nervous and felt uncomfortable, there was another couple in the room he introduced me as his girlfriend and I relaxed a bit. We sat just holding hands and he chatted on about nothing. He felt like a stranger but I was so pleased to see him. After about half an hour he asked if I wanted a cup of tea and said he wanted a smoke, so we got a drink and he took me into a smoking room. I don’t smoke, but sat in there with him. 2 or 3 other residents came in, after he said they were just being nosey want to see who I was. I hoped he wasn’t ashamed of me. I had dressed up and put makeup on, I didn’t want him to be embarrassed by me, I wanted to look my best given my age and he had said everyone in there were a lot younger than him. I knew how cruel people can be, and how some people get a kick out of taking the piss out of others, bullying, so didn’t want to give any reason for him to feel ashamed of me. It wasn’t often that our age difference made a difference but I was acutely aware of it at times. I think that came about not from him but right at the start way back when he came to stay at mine the first time. We had called into a garage, when we were in there he was getting a drink, and I had asked if he wanted anything else, and the girl behind the counter had made some comment about aw is mummy buying you a drink? I don’t know if he knew her ( it was in Macclesfield) or if she was just being a bitch, but I just said I am not his mother I am his girlfriend. Paid and walked out. But it stuck with me, especially when I was with him around people that didn’t know us. He knew that episode hurt me and was lovely about it afterwards but I don’t think he realised how much of an effect it had on me. And if he did. He never said, but then again neither did I.
So being in the detox place made me nervous. There was all these young people all there for different reasons and addictions. It was sad really, and it must have been hard on him being the eldest there. A man in his 40’s surrounded by kids in their teens and twenties. But he wasn’t there for a holiday and make mates was he? he was there to get clean before going to rehab. But of course bonds are made. A common bond. Something I could never share with him. He had more to do with these people more in common than we could have. It was obvious that he would feel more at ease with them. He shared stuff with them that he wouldn’t share with me because they understood it, they too had their own addictions. He was in groups with these people so of course they shared stuff about their lives. It was expected. Thinking right back to when we met that is exactly what he had done with me in the hospital. I thought it had been an honestly thing, but I guess now I have come to learn that it is what is expected, when you are in that environment.
We went back to the main room, sat and chatted about nothing really. It was mainly about him and others in the detox centre. He didn’t point anyone out and break confidentiality but he talked about why people were there. I guess I was so wrapped up in my own happiness at being able to see him, I wasn’t paying attention, to how he was with me. Maybe I am over analysing it now. But I had no reason to suspect anything was wrong between us. Maybe there wasn’t. Yet.
The 2 hours flew by, it was time to go. He kissed me and hugged me and said he would call. I drove home, I hated him being in there but knew it was the only way. At the end of the following week he would have done his 3 weeks. I assumed they would transport him to the rehab centre so was in for a bit of a shock when he called me and said could I pick him up on the Sunday and take him home. He said that they wouldn’t take him to the rehab he had to go to a centre in Macclesfield on the Monday morning and that they had arranged for him to get a lift from there. I was overjoyed to have him home for a night, because I knew once he went into rehab there would be no contact for 3 weeks. So the following Sunday I drove over picked him up and came back to Macclesfield with him. He wanted to see his family of course, I think we went to him mums, but can’t remember if she was in or not. He was phoning everyone. He was only allowed one phone call a day in detox and most nights phoned me. So obviously wanted to catch up with everyone. I suppose I was a bit reluctant to share him with anyone we had less than 24 hours together. I wanted us to do something but he wasn’t well enough. We went for something to eat but he wasn’t hungry. He had done a rapid detox and wasn’t at all well. So I got something to eat and we went back to the flat. He didn’t sleep much that night. He seemed closed, irritable with me, but I put it down to the detox. He had come off 40mls a day to zero in 3 weeks. I had no idea how hard that was then. He had asked if he could stay another couple of weeks in detox but they said no. But now I wonder if he wanted to stay there for other reasons…..
As with everything drug service related in Macclesfield nothing happens as its meant to. He was supposed to be getting a call in the morning about when he was being picked up. He had all his clothes and things with him and I was supposed to go to work. In the end I called in work and said my car was broken down because I had a very strong feeling if I didn’t get him to rehab he wouldn’t go! His lift didn’t happen, more phone calls…he was making noises about getting a phone and smuggling it in. I told him I thought that was a very bad idea, if he got caught he would be thrown out. But he was very insistent so as I have said before what K wants K gets. So we go to tescos and I buy him a cheap phone. He is very persuasive like I say,and said well then I can call you, you don’t want to be without speaking to me for 3 weeks, I know you will worry…. We then have to go to a different centre as someone there was going to pick him up, this is all before 10.30! So we pack his things into the car and drive him round. Eventually the guy comes and takes him away. He says to me I will bring him back when he’s fit and well, thanks I say. It was almost as though he couldn’t wait to get away from me. No hugs or kisses good bye, but then again we are in public. So I push my feelings of hurt down. One thing he did do though before he left was say I was right about the phone. He didn’t take it with him. For that I was grateful. So I am there in the street my man taken from me again. But this time no phone calls for 3 weeks! As long as he had been in detox with no contact. No letters nothing. It was going to be a tough 3 weeks. For us both! But it had to be worth it didn’t it? A life free form drugs. This is what I had wanted for so long, but that was just it wasn’t it? It was what I wanted, he said he did too, and back then had no reason to doubt it, but wanting it isn’t always enough.

And so to detox!

No one likes the unknown, but  he did know. He had done this before, he had even worked at the unit when he was in the last stage of rehab last time….he felt a bit ashamed to be going back to somewhere he knew the staff and had worked along side them as a volunteer, but I said well I don’t suppose you will be the first or last that have had to go through this more than once, they won’t be sitting in judgement, they will be pleased for you that you are trying again. I don’t know how much of what I said went in, if he heard it or believed it if he did. If you’re reading this (karl) it would be good to know! I add that because I think he has read some of this. He has made comments to me that could relate to this blog, after I spoke about the affection thing a few posts back, he didn’t do it again….like he knew I knew! He was being taken there by the staff from the drugs team. I hated the thought of him going but knew he had to. 2 weeks before I could see him, it seemed like an eternity. He said for me to stay in the flat, but I was unsure. It would feel strange without him there or knowing he would walk thought the door. I was starting my new job on the Monday, so after dropping him off I went home. He called me thankfully he was allowed to call. He called me every day. It was hard sometimes there were staff there the door alarm was going every few minutes/seconds, but he called and everything was good. He didn’t want to go to groups he was starting to rattle plus the detox of methadone, so he was ill. But I was grateful he called. He seemed to focus on the positives that once he had got through this we could get on and have a good life. Every thing was good, but couldn’t wait to see him.

Sadly  the first weekend that he was in there and I wasn’t allowed to see him was the same weekend as  the Scotland trip! After we had found out that he was going I wanted to cancel the trip, but he was insistent that I went. So I asked my sister to come with me. I felt as though I was betraying him somehow, doing special stuff when he was in there, it was his birthday present after all said and done. I know putting my life on hold didn’t make it any better for either of us, but having a good time just didn’t seem right. That said I did have a good time, it was nice to have a weekend away but nicer to share it with my sister. We hadn’t done anything together like this for a very long time! (thanks for coming sis!)

He didn’t call me when he promised he would that weekend, I was upset, all my fears came back with just such a little act. He was in there with people like him, maybe he had found some one else to replace me that understood how he was feeling that got it, what did I know about addiction? nothing. And even less about detox.  I was angry at him, no I suppose I was scared, scared he didn’t want me. Apart from a few nights apart in the last year we were together 24/7  apart from when I was working! And even then he would tag along at times to keep himself away from temptation. I won’t say it ruined my weekend but it did upset me.

but we were a week down now, another 7 days and I could see him!

Back to the story!

And so it went on, day after day, week after week month after month. He used to ‘borrow’ money from me all the time. Then every 2 weeks when his benefits came through, he would pay some of it back. Of course I never really got the money he owed me. By the time I had filled the car with fuel bought some food it was gone. He could be ‘borrowing’ well over £100 a week, so when his money came through he could never have afforded to give it me all back. But I got 24-36 hours respite from the lies and bullying. There was always another reason for getting another fix. The last lot of drugs were rubbish, he sneezed and blew it from the bag, he was chased by the police so swallowed it….blah blah blah…and yet I couldn’t leave. Once when we were screaming at each other I said it wasn’t the money that bothered me, oh boy was that a mistake! Partly it wasn’t, I just wanted him to understand that the more he used the more he WOULD have to use! Why couldn’t he see that. Again and again he would say I don’t like being like this I want to be off this shit, but it never happened. Then he would come out with the line well you said its not about the money so why are you being like this? It’s tunnel vision, of course. When he is in addiction all he can think of is how to get his next bag When he was away from the environment One or two days up at mine we might have a break from it a bit of normality, we even went on holiday a couple of times once to Cornwall camping and then to Eygpt for a week. So he could do it IF HE WANTED TOO! But it was taking its toll on my mental health. Back then I didn’t realise that I couldn’t change him. I thought if he loved me he would do it for me. He kept saying I only need to get into detox and then we can have a good life, and of course I believed it. Because that’s what I wanted more than anything ,still do! It wasn’t until I started my programme that I realised how I had got it so wrong. The enabling didn’t help him it hindered him. All he had to do was plead and beg and promise the impossible ( I won’t use tomorrow, I will go and see the drugs team tomorrow and get them to increase my methadone) and I always believed him. I Thank my HP that now I see the lies for what they are. It’s interesting that this time even though I know he is using and have even ‘leant’ him some money he knows that I know what the score is, I won’t take the BS that I did before. I have told him that now I know I can’t change him only he can do that, all I can do is remove myself from a situation that just makes me as sick as he is. I told him today he bullys  me, trying to persuade me to give him money, when he knows I haven’t got any to give, that the promise of his benefits being paid tomorrow isn’t enough for me. All I feel is stressed and I no longer want to live in that state. Today I came home because I had to for work, but he is left to his own devises, and you know what? I am not stressing about it. Before I would have been scared he would break the law to get money, and that somehow it would be my fault because I couldn’t give him the means to pay. Today I don’t care. I care for him, I would be upset for him if he did something stupid and got arrested, but it’s not my fault. It’s not my business. Of course it’s hard to put into practice something I have learnt in theory. I won’t even say I have been successful, I haven’t, I have given in to him, more than once, but at least we both know that this time I am not responsible for his choices. Today because I had to come home unexpectedly he asked me for my bank account details, so that when he gets his money tomorrow he can pay me back the money he owes me. He said ‘I know if I don’t I won’t see you again’! That is a huge step forward for us both. Him taking responsibility to actually pay me back without me prompting him but also realising this time, I will walk away. It’s my only option, if he doesn’t get himself sorted out.

I have kinda left my journey again, but this blog has given me a way of putting down my thoughts in the now, in fact when I started writing it I didn’t expect for me and him to ever get back together. We haven’t really in my heart, I love the man I met, I even love the man that was in jail, but I hate the addict! So for me right now I have more barriers up than ever before. I had a break from it for 6 months and my programme has helped a lot.

Looking back I don’t know why I put up with the financial abuse that I did. I do not under any circumstances want to equate this to being with a man that is violent. It’s not the same at all, mentally tho there must be a parralle. When some one is loving and kind and supportive 80% of the time, the 20% that is spent screaming and shouting over £20 is pushed to the back of your mind. When the ask is wrapped up in love in the voice, the pleading voice that says love you know I don’t like asking or babe sorry to be a nuiceance but could you just lend me £20 you know I will give it you back ( even tho I knew he wouldn’t ). If I said no he wouldn’t leave it at that. He would go on and on please love come on I know you have it, I am not asking you to give it to me it’s only a borrow. If I tried to say no, I need that money to get to work, or I haven’t got it, I would get the same back again and again, come on they won’t send you anywhere I get my money tomorrow you will get it back, or you get your travel expenses in 2 days you have enough fuel ( not if they send me to Birmingham,) they won’t love come on. Sometimes it was just easier to give in and give him the money, and stress about it later if I got a call, but before I didnt understand that stressing about something that hadn’t happened yet was not good for me so I did stress. Thinking ahead to make some excuse if I got a job and couldn’t afford to get there! There was only a couple of times I couldn’t go to work because I had no money. Sometimes in the beginning work would pay my expenses early, but you don’t like asking too many times, it’s embarrassing. A week after pay day and no money!  The lies and excuses I came up with were scandalous really. I had 2 loans from work, which I had to pay back of course monthly. Big loans the equivalent to my monthly salary. All spent on drugs! That’s about £5k!

And that was why it was so embarrassing I had a good job with very good money. About £2500 a month plus my weekly travelling expenses and I still had no money every month. Eventually I set up a second account. I had my wage paid into the new account and on pay day transferred the money into my other account to pay my bills. It was the only way of protecting my cash and to make sure my bills got paid. Later I set up a third on line account and would put money into that so if he took my cash card it looked like there was no money in my main account. That way at least I had a bit of money put by for later in the month. But more often  than not we lived just off my travel expenses. My friend Ali, at that point wasn’t working, she has 2 kids and an ex husband that sometimes pays maintenance but often didn’t. She was on job seekers allowance and still had more money than me! She would invite me over for a drink at the weekend God I felt bad! I appreciated the fact she was helping me out, but felt so ashamed that I couldn’t even buy a bottle of cheap wine. She said time and time again, leave him, but I couldnt! I still to this day don’t understand the hold he has over me. I hated my life. But in the same breath wanted the man I met back, and the only way that would become reality was if I stayed with him, and got him into detox and rehab. Otherwise all this pain would have been in vain! So I hung on in there. Hoping all the time that he would get a place in detox……mmmm be careful what you wish for, sometimes what you have is better than what you think you want!

In the name of love

So for the next 2 months I had a house guest! Well even though he was on the meth he still used and so trips to Macc in the day time if I was working that way were a given. They were a given even if I wasn’t working down that way. Part of me was happy I had my man at home but a big part of me was becoming more and more saddened by this awful situation we were in. All I wanted was for him to give 3 clean urine samples in 2 weeks and he would be put forward for detox. I suppose that’s like asking an alcoholic to go into a bar with a free range of what ever their poison is and not take a drink! Or the shopaholic on pay day not to go shopping or giving a gambler £10000 and tell them not to put a bet on the only horse running in a race! Services ask the impossible because in my mind they have such low finances they can’t afford for addicts to achieve what they ask! If all the addicts that say they want to detox actually achieved the 3 clean specimens in 2 weeks services just couldn’t cope! There just isn’t enough beds. At this point I truly think he cared for me so much he tried so hard. He could manage about 3 or 4 days but then he started feeling ill so by the time the 3rd Sample had to be given he had used, so didn’t go. I am not proud of this but he even manipulated me into giving a sample so he could take it with him, to give a clear one. ‘Come on love you know I want to get into detox but I can’t and even you said how it’s a stupid request to give an addict’ fuck he was clever he used anything I said to his advantage making me feel the guilty party if I didn’t comply with what he wanted me to do. The price of love??? I am not a victim by the way. I am not trying for one minute to make out he was pressuring me but when you live in another’s addiction you will do ANYTHING to get them well. It wasn’t until he actually got into rehab and I found my 12 step programme that I realised how his addiction had made me addicted to trying to fix it all though enabling. Until I recognised my shortcomings and how I wasn’t helping I got pulled deeper and deeper into our addiction.
I am quite an honest person I say it as it is! I don’t deliberately try to hurt people and will keep quiet rather than hurt someone’s feelings and this is one of my shortcomings! By keeping this addiction to my self and trying to keep family and friends out of what was really happening in my life, I cut ties, I stopped seeing friends and family. I stopped caring for myself and put his addiction needs above anything and everything else. When I learnt about codependency I refused to accept it. I choose to help him, I was stopping him from being ill by paying for his drugs. Did I get off on it? No not really but I didn’t want him to break the law by burglary or theft so I took it on to myself to pay for his habit. Of course I am now enlightened so see that we were both codependent on each other. He was with me for his benefit and so was I.. I am battling with this as I have said previously. Its hard looking back and thinking about how I was manipulated allowing my self to be pulled every which way, in the name of love! It’s funny how I convinced myself I was doing these things for the right reasons. I was in my head, I loved him and knew no different. And of course it was early days, we had only really been back together since September 3 or 4 months but by Christ so much had happened. The last time I had my hair cut was around this time. He was looking at some photos of me with longer hair. ‘Babe I think I like you better with longer hair’ oh ok I say I will grow it then, ‘ yes cos it costs so much every month to get it cut, you should grow it’ so I do! Of course the £40 a month could be put to better use, money was already tight, in stead of thinking he wants that money, I thought we need that money for food! I am being selfish spending that on myself a month.
As he was at mine I was still able to see N&N on a Sunday. Not every week but managed to see them around Christmas time. I so wanted him to come with me, to meet up with my friends, but he would just say you go love and have a good time. I will stay here. More guilt! I felt it was unfair of me to go out and enjoy myself when he was cooped up at home. Sometimes when I got home when he was off the tag he would say he was feeling ill and needed to go back to Macc. I had been drinking so couldn’t drive, so he would drive back. I didn’t like him driving the car, he didn’t have a licence, but couldn’t risk my own so let him. So over the space of a few weeks my weekly meetings with my friends  started to stop. As the need to feel normal ( for him) increased the earlier we would go back to Macc. And so it continued, after my dog went for his last sleep, I stayed over at his more and a more, depending on work. But I would get phone calls asking for me begging me to transfer money into his account. One time I think he must have been with some others in ear shot, what he said to me appalled me. I actually started to feel that this was enough that he would stoop so low! I was working on a case in Wolverhampton, it was lunch time and a got a call. I was still smoking at that time so was outside, by myself which was a blessing. He phoned and asked how I was. He was always respectful up to a point! Babe please I really need to get a thing…I gave you £20 this morning, I know love but it wasn’t any good come on you have to help me out. I was really skint, I had enough money for fuel to get to work, for the rest of the week and that was about it. I had transferred £20 in his account in the morning, before I went to work so knew how much I didn’t have, come on love please he says, and when you get home I will have sex with you….WHAT!!! What did you just say? I ask in disbelief, come on I will give it to you good! My head was in an absolute mess, one thing you don’t have with a heroin addict is sex! The fact that he was trying to use this as a bribe, disgusted me. You want me to pay for sex? you are disgusting! I can’t believe you said that to me. No I will not give you money for sex, I will not give you money because I HAVENT GOT ANY! Are there others around you? Are you showing off to ur ‘mates’ no K I will not give you any money. I will see you later, aw come on love, I really need to get a thing, I am ill,  look if I give you the money I won’t have any for tomorrow, yeah that’s fine babe I won’t use tomorrow. Yeah yeah I have heard it all before but this was a new one!
But part of me still wanted to believe that tomorrow he wouldn’t use. Come on love you know you have the money, you are just trying to control me, I promise on my mothers life that I won’t use tomorrow I will come with you to work and we can go to yours PPLEEEAASSSE!
So once again I go back on my word, but this time I am saddened that he has resorted to trying to use sex as a bribe, but again trying to excuse it by thinking well he is showing off to his friends. But that phone call took away a little bit of the love I had for him. 💔

Right here right now!

I had every intention when starting this blog to do it in chronological order but sometimes something happens that makes you change your mind! Today has been one of those days I don’t know if I will discuss with you the ins and outs yet but I want you to know just how horrible I feel. In September K stole from me. He persuaded me to let him come to mine, to try to do a home detox so I let him come. He no WE lasted a day and then went to score. Later in the day he wanted me to take him home, he asked if we could take the iPad I laughed and said no because I was short of cash and he would persuade me to take it down cash converters the next day. To cut a long story short he stole it but I didn’t know until I got home the next day. In my anger and feeling of total betrayal I told the police. Today I went to court and watched as he was taken to jail. That is bad enough but I also know that he is by now going thro rattle he has 4 weeks in jail, to get himself sorted out. We are actually good but knowing by now he is in pain and will probably get very little support because he so doesn’t want to go back to the meth is killing me! So this little post is just saying even tho there has been over 2 years of this story even when you do the right thing for you both the guilt is sometimes hard to bear. He made the choice today to go to jail knowing he would not only have to detox in jail but also not be out for christmas. He could have gone not guilty but there were other things like a suspended sentence which means he would have gone down anyway but I just wanted it on the record that I admire him so much for doing what is the hardest thing to do, for any addict. K I love you and hope you find the strength to get thro what is going to be a very hard time for you. I hope you really have reached rock bottom, I hope that maybe we will have a future at the end of this. I ask my HP to give you strength and guidance and hope to see you soon xx