When you live in addiction (either using or living with it) letting people down becomes something that happens quite a lot. I don’t know if it’s a shortcoming of mine or an attribute but I like to stick to my word. And when that doesn’t happen I feel I have failed. Failure is not really acceptable for me. I think that’s why I probably was so sick before because my expectations coloured what I was expecting from K. I saw his failure to stop using drugs as a reflection on what he thought of me! OMG how egocentric is that! I am now understanding it’s not about him or his inability to stop using it was my feelings about failure that was the issue. As I progress I realise that his addiction is his disease I can’t control it I didn’t cause it and I can’t cure it! For me to progress I have to let go and let God as it’s not my job! Whether we are in contact or not it matters not what I have to do is understand and accept its not my life it’s his! Does that make sense to someone outside the 12 steps?? I have to mine my own business. It’s not my life it’s his always was always will be. But when you live in addiction it becomes your business because you are living it. Things are happening, that because you are sucked into it, affect you and everyone who knows you even those that don’t even know you. I am not saying that when you live with an addict that your behaviour will not be affected if you follow the NAR-ANON 12 steps. Of course it will but as I am ( at last ) getting to grips with it and understanding how sick I was and why I now have the tools to deal with it. Would OUR life been different if I had these tools before? Maybe maybe not but MY life would have been different.
So back to letting people down! When chaos rules as it does in addiction things you should do even want to do are ruled by what the addict wants to do – or at least in my case. Not because they force you to do things but because you take on the responsibilities for the addict and the things you should do get put on the back burner! Unless you have lived it you won’t understand. That’s ok I don’t expect you to. Your focus is shifted from what you need and want to do, to that you HAVE to do – addict centred. You think you are doing the right thing, looking after them doing even the basic things for them that they could do them selves. You worry that if they go out to get the drugs them selves something might happen so you take them to make sure they are ok, you want them to be safe so you take on their responsibilities. I say you but really I mean me! Enabling is easy you think what you are doing is in the name of love but also so destructive to the addict and to yourself. You are letting the addict down by not allowing them to do what they have to do find their own way, to get what they want, live how they want, you are stopping them by enabling. I was stopping him by enabling! I know I have let people down thro my life in addiction. I am sorry. It doesn’t change it but I recognise it. I can’t put the clock back I can’t change what I did but I am learning, I can try to make amends and that reader is where I will leave it for tonight – thanks for reading peace