Enough of being a pawn

When you are wrapped up in co-dependency you can become a pawn in a game that you don’t think you have any control over…in fact you might not even know you are a pawn! I look back and wonder how much I was played without realising. Other people’s agendas and fucked  up lives.  As things and stories unravel truths come out I wonder just what part I played in fact in the case I am thinking about I wasn’t even aware I was in some ‘master plan’ being played. But truths come out like I say and even tho my pride is a bit hurt from what I now know I also wonder if it was meant. Or if it was that persons way of looking for an escape. 

I am doing ok. I have been lazy with my step work I try to blame my sponsor for not pushing me even though i asked her too but it’s not her responsiblity it’s mine. But at last I think I have stopped people pleasing. If I don’t want to do something I don’t have too. With my qualifier back in jail I have been able to think about me again. I am getting stronger. He keeps phoning and has written asking for money. I say no. The time before last when he called he asked for money I evaded the question didn’t answer yes or no, but was deliberate in not answering. He asked if I could see what I could do…I said I would, but to me that meant I don’t have to see what I could do I didn’t need to see what I could do, I wasn’t going to do anything….it was just easier than getting into a battle by saying no directly. Last time he called he was going on and on even said you said you would see what you could do…yes I said but that didn’t mean I was going to give you anything, just I will see….he then said but if you send me some money I can phone you. I am afraid I didn’t even think the words came out before I could think of the impact – I reacted! But for once reacted in my favour. I could hear the words come out my mouth I didn’t like the tone of my voice I wish I could have said it in a nicer way but I just didn’t give myself time to think. I didn’t breathe I heard myself saying – why the hell should I pay you to phone me? The line went dead he hung up – good there was nothing more to say. Maybe he’s getting the message that this time I mean it it’s over. He’s not my responsiblity I get nothing from this relationship ( I use that word loosely!) you can give and give but if you get nothing in return eventually you have to walk away. Draw a line under it. It’s not his fault he has this disease. But it’s not mine either. He actually was honest enough to say in his letter that he won’t make promises he can’t keep any more. That words are just that words and he needs to action it not talk about it. I feel sorry for him. I think he has had his chance – too many times. Twice he’s been given rehab. He even did detox in jail, and even tho he knows it makes him sick he lives a hopeless life on the rob to pay for his drugs or selling them until he gets arrested and back in jail he still goes back to it. Again and again. A hopeless case ☹️ don’t get me wrong I know I too was on that merry-go-round I too was repeating the same behaviours hoping for a different outcome, that little co-dependent voice is still trying to mug me off whispering but what if this time he does stay off the gear??? Well if he does then Well Done K! But I can’t live a life wondering if he will relapse the minute something doesn’t go his way. Which is way I must let go. I said to someone the other day, if he could use ‘socially’ smoke a bit of crack or heroin for a bit of pleasure I could accept it. I have a drink at the weekends or what ever it isnt something I HAVE to do. I know others that smoke crack snort coke have a joint but it’s controlled. 

I have gone way off my point! I guess to finish off I am getting more aware of being played, I will no longer be a victim, I catch myself all the time, saying stuff that really is trying to make people feel sorry for me. Not about the addict. But poor me I have had to do this or that. I might not have stopped it but I am becoming aware of it.  I am getting better! 

Disappointment and misplaced guilt

Yesterday I had 3 missed calls from a number in Liverpool, I was working at the time and didn’t really give it much thought. Assumed it was just some sort of sales call or possible a contractor I am waiting to hear from, I tried the number but the call failed so just assumed it was some stupid sales call and left it at that. I had had a lovely 4 days off work, I worked on my vegetable plot and things are now starting to come alive. The hard work of sowing the seeds preparing the ground and planting up mainly done, so things are growing both at the allotment and at home so now just have to make sure things are watered and weeded, of course the next lot of seeds are in ready for planting out in about a months time to keep the supply throughout the summer. I enjoy it. I like the nurturing and the sense of achievement I have from planting a seed and watching it grow into something I can eat. It takes time patience and dedication. Things can be left to do their own thing but some things need daily care. Unsurprisingly then when I had K in my life my plot didn’t produce much. There’s not a great deal of expense, but compost is needed and grow bags. The soil needs improving as its nutrients are sucked up by the plants but £20 on compost was a day’s worth of gear and that had to come first or at least as I was fearful of reprisals it came first. If I spent money on me I would feel guilty. That’s co-dependency working it magic! It was now over a week since I had had contact, i was feeling relief hopeful that this time after I had told him this had to stop, I would not give him money anymore, that if he wasn’t serious about his recovery then I no longer wanted to see him or hear from him. We had made tentative plans to meet over the bank holiday weekend but I made it very clear that I did not want him here or to see him if he was using or was ‘ill’ or if he thought he could ask me,badger me into giving him cash. It was not my doing he had no food or tobacco ( the most recent mode of manipulation to get money from me) he had to look out for himself now as he had made that choice when he came out of jail to start using again. And apart from others asking if I had heard from him I gave him little thought. In fact I was celebrating my ( misplaced) victory thinking at last he’s leaving me alone! He believes me – that I won’t give in to him any more! 

Of course I say misplaced victory, because nothing was really further than the truth! And hence my disappointment.

I was just watching TV when the mysterious Liverpool number called again. I picked up it was K. So my mind started to race where is he why is he calling from Liverpool had he got into the detox place he was in before over there? Nope back in jail. Recalled which apparently was very unfair (?) I did say well it is kinda your fault, you broke the law you didn’t follow the drug rehab order if you continued to use so don’t be surprised! Of course then the credit was about to run out as I hadn’t supported his warped mind set! Would I stay in touch?? I will write I said. So disappointed in him? No disappointed in me? Yes because I wrongly was feeling a bit smug that this time sticking to my guns had worked but in reality he was in jail! Pfft 🙄 also I know I shouldn’t have said I would write. But at least if he’s in there I will have peace and will be able to focus on me and my recovery. I find it easier when he’s away. I got a lot stronger last time, and know that this time it will be easier too. So even if I did slip back a little bit this time I am further on so can make even more progress. I am mindful not to believe his ‘this time will be a fresh start’. It might be but that’s his business not mine. My fresh start is already on its way.