Today I came home to a letter from K. I knew he had written it of course he told me he had. It was in response to my letter the one that said I will support you and care for you but I don’t want to be your landlady mate friend I want to be with you in a relationship and I want you clean. If you can’t or don’t want that then we can go no further. His response went along the lines I needed to decide what I wanted to do, that if I didn’t want to be with him I needed to say so so he could talk to the resettlement officer. That he couldn’t be the image that I had of him in my head???
All I would like is for him to love me for me, to want to be with me, not for my money, my home, to want to be with me for me.
I have an image in my head in fact it’s not a good one but he probably doesn’t know that. The image I have is of an addict, that has used me over and over, has manipulated me had made me believe he loves me and used that to his advantage. But I still hang onto the fact we met when he wasn’t using we had fun we were a couple and loved up at that! Even when he was using he still treated me with love and respect for a while! Of course as he pushed what was acceptable and manipulated my love for him his respect diminished I never said no I enabled his habit made it easy gave him money fed him loved him he wanted for very little. The more I gave the closeness between us diminished, so I gave more hoping he would love me again….codependency at its best!
I will get answers at the weekend maybe. Of course he’s trying to get off the methadone right now so he’s clean when he comes out he’s got 11 weeks and 11 mls to get off. Unless u have been on methadone you won’t understand how hard and painful that is. He is ill he feels like shit and I totally understand when he says he can’t deal with my feelings right now. But there’s never a good time when he’s coming off methadone, but equally there’s no point in him getting out without me voicing my worries now and it not working when he does gets out because 1 he had no idea of my thoughts and feelings or 2 that if I didn’t say anything and we argued because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. With the chance of recall to prison if the police got involved 😔 ( which has happened when we fall out!)
Maybe I am too wrapped up in my own wants to see what he is doing or needs? Maybe I am basing my mistrust on the way he has treated me in the past maybe I have seen him come out of jail and the first thing he want to do is score and if he is addressed at mine he has me prisoner again if that is what he does when he gets out this time – well my alternative is call the police and he’s recalled for 17 months…is that what he’s thinking is he gambolling that I won’t call the police if he relapses? To be fair I am not sure he is, he is saying if I don’t want him here to stay here to say so, so he can find somewhere else, he doesn’t want to go back to jail he says he wants to be with me….but for the right reasons??? Sorry reader I am just putting down my thoughts as they are in my head at the moment so I can read them back tomorrow and try to make some sense of it all before my next visit! Thanks for reading – feel free to comment it helps me no end!