Truth or manipulation? 

Today I came home to a letter from K. I knew he had written it of course he told me he had. It was in response to my letter the one that said I will support you and care for you but I don’t want to be your landlady mate friend I want to be with you in a relationship and I want you clean. If you can’t or don’t want that then we can go no further. His response went along the lines needed to decide what I wanted to do, that if I didn’t want to be with him needed to say so so he could talk to the resettlement officer. That he couldn’t be the image that I had of him in my head???

All I would like is for him to love me for me, to want to be with me, not for my money, my home, to want to be with me for me.

I have an image in my head  in fact it’s not a good one but he probably doesn’t know that. The image I have is of an addict, that has used me over and over,  has manipulated me had made me believe he loves me and used that to his advantage. But I still hang onto the fact we met when he wasn’t using we had fun we were a couple and loved up at that! Even when he was using he still treated me with love and respect for a while! Of course as he pushed what was acceptable and manipulated my love for him his respect diminished I never said no I enabled his habit made it easy gave him money fed him loved him he wanted for very little. The more I gave the closeness between us diminished, so I gave more hoping he would love me again….codependency at its best!

I will get answers at the weekend maybe. Of course he’s trying to get off the methadone right now so he’s clean when he comes out he’s got 11 weeks and 11 mls to get off. Unless u have been on methadone you won’t understand how hard and painful that is. He is ill he feels like shit and I totally understand when he says he can’t deal with my feelings right now. But there’s never a good time when he’s coming off methadone,  but equally there’s no point in him getting out without me voicing my worries now and it not working when he does gets out because 1 he had no  idea of my thoughts and feelings or 2 that if I didn’t say anything and we argued because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. With the chance of recall to prison if the police got involved 😔 ( which has happened when we fall out!)

Maybe I am too wrapped up in my own wants to see what he is doing or needs? Maybe I am basing my mistrust on the way he has treated me in the past maybe I have seen him come out of jail and the first thing he want to do is score and if he is addressed at mine he has me prisoner again if that is what he does when he gets out this time – well my alternative is call the police and he’s recalled for 17 months…is that what he’s thinking is he gambolling that I won’t call the police if he relapses? To be fair I am not sure he is, he is saying if I don’t want him here to stay here to say  so, so he can find somewhere else, he doesn’t want to go back to jail he says he wants to be with me….but for the right reasons??? Sorry reader I am just putting down my thoughts as they are in my head at the moment so I can read them back tomorrow and try to make some sense of it all before my next visit! Thanks for reading – feel free to comment it helps me no end!

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7 thoughts on “Truth or manipulation? 

  1. okay so I am not even qualified to speak on this so please God, know that if I say something that upsets you I truly do not have that motive in my heart. When I attempt to offer someone encouragement it is usually because I can empathize with the situation and speak from a place of experience and knowledge. I do not know what it is like to love an addict, so I cannot empathize with you there, but I do sympathize with your situation. I do know what it is like to have relationship issues. So, my friend, do you love this man as he is or as he was? Love is tough. I have learned through my own failed marriages that love has nothing to do with feelings. Yea, touchy feelies may have got you close to each other, but love is what makes the thing stick – through everything, and love must be fed. So if you truly love him, and it sounds like you do, now you have to ask yourself how is that love you are giving being fed and nurtured so that you can KEEP giving. See, it sounds like you are on empty. So, there is touch feelies, true love, and unreciprocated true love. So once you have established this love issue, then we have to move on to the independence issue. Are you two independent hearts, minds, and souls sharing and partaking of each other, or have you lost your identity to his or vice versa? You mentioned dependency, so I’m thinking I know the answer to this question. Another question is do you want to be his mother, his caregiver, his guardian or do you want to be his partner, his lover, his friend? See you need to determine what this relationship is before you know how to proceed. I hope I didn’t offend you. I made the decision to divorce my last husband because I realized he did not want to change some things that needed to be changed – and would have been changed had he loved me. I also realized If I truly loved him, I would have accepted him NOT changing. So either way, you see, love was absent. I refused to live another day in a relationship where love was not present. True love will get you through anything and everything, but it must be present and accounted for from both parties. Love is sacrificial, but it is not selfish. So if you are the only one ever sacrificing and you have nothing in return, I would say his love is selfish, and thus, absent. Anyway, I do not in any way want to hurt or discourage you, so I hope you don’t take it that way. I just want to offer up something to chew on. Love and Hugs!!

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    1. Thank you I appreciate your response. No I am not hurt or offended! It’s good for me to get a new pair of eyes to look at the situation. With drugs being such a huge part of our relationship it’s hard to know if it was the drugs that made him behave like that or just a total disregard for me. Other addicts have said previously they would have loved to have had someone like me feeding their habit and using me to their advantage so I know that that is real. I have just started my day so will read your post again later and will answer the questions you pose and see if I can make sense of where he fits. Thank you wise words they are appreciated. Our past has not been easy. But I do know I love him as a person an individual – that’s why I have fought so hard for nearly 4 years. Thank you again x

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  2. I don’t think he should be at your address. As you say he ll have you captive. It ll put you in position of having to call the police . It ll put you back to where you were. Will he be clean? Will he stay clean? Does he want to be clean?

    That beginning bit of the relationship. That loved up bit. It always dissipates into something else. And that something else is the norm. The loved up bit is the heady beginning of a relationship, you can’t recapture that. It’s the new norm that it becomes that is your day to day…

    I’m sorry if it all sounds a bit negative. I think it would be a backward step. My mum married my dad thinking she could change him. She couldn’t and lived on an unhappy marriage. You can’t change people. Only they can change themselves. If the will is there. Often they see it from a different point of view.

    Good luck my lovely. Xx

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    1. Thank u Henri you know I trust your judgement you have been so supportive right thro this. I know it not for me to change him only he can do that. I will talk to him on Saturday and might suggest he does talk to the resettlement officer – I am not his guardian – what he does is very much his own choice but I don’t want the aftermath of relapse 😊 thank you xx

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  3. I did reply again yesterday but it hasn’t come on here 😕 just to say I hope you didn’t think I was too harsh! I was possibly a bit blunt and to the point because I needed to get up 10 mins before!! And to hope you can free yourself of the responsibility ( of that feeling of responsibility) and continue growing stronger as you have recently. Continue to do things for YOU. O yeh and a great analogy someone once said to me: if you were driving would you let someone in the passenger seat lean over and take the steering wheel and start driving the car?! Live your life for YOU. (Obviously whilst considering other people, but not living your life running round after others ) Note to self – follow your own advice!! 😂

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    1. Henri I approved the post and thanked you for your honesty, I trust you even if we haven’t seen each other in ?? Years I still feel close because of FB! You have don’t nothing but support me thro this whole horrible episode in my life and totally appreciate your comments and support and advice! 😊

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