Awesome! 

Last night I was privileged to be invited to a surprise party in celebration of a ‘first year’ in recovery party. I can’t tell you how special it was. One year clean of drugs after battling with a disease that takes so many. To be in a group of recovering addicts it’s truly magical. The hope that radiates from them is tangible. I was more than lucky to be invited as I didn’t know the guy personally but know his wife. For us affected by another’s addiction this is what we dream of, we get it wrong we push them into recovery when they don’t want it, we make them feel like shit because we want them to stop using drugs – they want to stop but it’s not that simple. In the UK rehab and detox are not easily available on the NHS we don’t have the funds for private treatment centres – that’s for the rich and famous! But last night knowing that this individual had faced his demons and will have had the resolve to stay off the drugs for a whole year was most definitely worth celebrating. This morning I thank his HP for giving him the strength to do this, for his gorgeous wife who has stood by him, and arranged his special evening and my HP for guiding me to this life where I can celebrate the successes, but also be there for those who’s loved ones haven’t got there yet. We have to remember this is their journey when the time is right they will find recovery, we have to have faith. 

I feel truly blessed that I have been given access to this amazing community, and whilst I work in my recovery give thanks for all those that are also finding theirs. 

Bad week 

Just seem to be all over the place this week, I don’t know if it’s because of the work I’m doing on myself, and it’s bringing up too many feelings or if I’m just having a bad week in general. I don’t think I’m overthinking stuff, I am trying to be honest with myself and my HP, but I do feel let down by someone, and it’s having a negative impact on me….I know that I have no control  over another’s actions, but if  those actions are hurtful to me would that not give me reason to feel sad. I own the fact that because I have been basically ignored when asking for help has hurt me, it has reinforced my feelings of negative self worth, and I am fighting that, but thought by writing it down I might get a clearer understanding of what is going on for me. I’m loving my home group and feel it is very beneficial to me I am opening up and being honest, I even raised my concerns for my other group. Not concerns but I’m feeling very much not part of the group at the moment, I feel as though people are looking to me for experience strength and hope and right now it’s not happening.  I don’t have the strength right now to give. We have recently  had a lot of newcomers to my second group, this is great I’m grateful that their HP’s have brought them to recovery – but there are lots of personalities that I don’t feel comfortable with. I think I’m overwhelmed by trying to process what everyone is saying…when the group was smaller it was easier but with so many newcomers not listening to our principals it is actually making me feel very uncomfortable. If I sit there and say nothing nothing will change but this is not my group, it’s our group and if the majority don’t challenge cross talk or Interruptions is it my place to ☹️ I suppose if it is causing me upset then yes it is. Besides I’m caring for the group not caretaking we have the principals there to keep the group safe so maybe I need to voice that.  

Where am I going…

  • I feel as tho I have hit some sort of a wall, I have struggled with my program, no not struggled but not got very far, procrastination is a shortcoming of mine, if I have something that I am not happy to do I put it off, no one is forcing me, to do my step work, my sponsor isn’t on my case, so I let it be…why would anyone want to do a fearless moral inventory? I know many stop or falter on this step, it’s a hard one to do! I guess that when you have not had to look at yourself or have been so in denial of all your feelings for so long, being asked to be honest and truthful about all the bad shit you’ve done its hard better to forget about it. It’s not only that tho I realise that the negative feelings I have had stem from the codependency I have, so the bad things the uncomfortable things that have happened have been as a direct result of me looking for love or wanting acceptance. The fear the anger the resentments are all symptoms of the disease. Well I am working it slowly and maybe that’s the way isn’t it? As long as I am giving it thought and changing in positive ways that has to be for the better, twice this week I have stepped back from voicing my opinion. Not my circus not my monkey! I guess their HP will guide them in the right direction.

Well that’s me done for now, it’s late I need sleep