Off to another fellowship tonight feeling incredible nervous! I love my group but once a week isn’t enough so found another that I can go to different issue but addiction is addiction right!?! The substance might be different but it still affects us on the outside the same. Hoping it will help with getting on with my step work a bit faster. I know it’s not a race and I can do this in my own time but need all the help I can get right now. My ‘home’ group is great but a lot of newcomers I need to be the newbie for a while and get strength from others.
I hope I can find the venue I haven’t a clue where it is well I have but don’t remember seeing the building – oh well if it’s to be I will find it. But walking into a building of people I don’t know is very very scary! My ‘home’ group is via Skype I don’t see anyone it really is anonymous- this fellowship is where I live ( a small town) and chances are I will recognise a few faces. That throws up loads of issues for me. But know I will get a warm welcome so with my HP behind me I will find strength and hope for sure!
Tonight has been one of them highs and lows type of nights. I completed another step on my programme so was feeling happy with my journey and what I had accomplished. Looking back over the year and what I have learnt and put into practice, feeling happy with how I can see things differently and realising that my qualifier for the programme was only the catalyst to an illness that had started well before I even knew him. That I have been repeating patterns that I had learnt a long time back. Wanting to please, wanting control, no self esteem, feeling like no one liked me so blocking out my feelings, being devoid of much emotion because it was easier to live in a vacuum than deal with the pain and depression I felt from an early age. Sitting in my room questioning who I was why so many hated me wondering where I belonged in this world of people that didn’t like me – teenage angst – maybe that’s what I put it down to. I will expand on this at another time, but tonight I also felt good. I felt I had achieved something worth while. I had to go to a meeting on Saturday. It was linked to the fellowship. But not a group session. I came away on a high. Unless you have been in the rooms and felt the love it is difficult to understand, maybe if you go to church you get that I don’t know, but in a room with people that have ALL experienced the pain that living with another’s addiction brings you don’t need words, we have felt the pain the embarrassment the anguish the worry the hurt we have heard the false promises the stories so even with out sharing we are as one. That is my HP – that gives me strength that gives me hope.
I felt good. So then it was with emence sadness that I saw on FB the passing of a dear dear associate. I would like to say friend, I knew her for many years. But we were co workers not buddies. We had had lunch together a few times over the years. She was such a lovely person, she had suffered much abuse from one husband. She knew and understood my pain. She always had words of encouragement for me through my struggles with K but never judged me only encouraged me to find happiness, she never said leave him, because she knew it wasn’t that easy. She always sent me messages when things were bad and she read this blog. Then would inbox me with her thoughts. My dear Monica I go to bed with a sad heart tonight. I know you are now at peace, and with the Angels as there is no other place you should be right now. I pray that you didn’t suffer too much at the end my lovely and pray you knew how much joy you brought to so many. You may only have been 5ft nothing but to me the size of your heart was that of a giant. May you rest in peace my friend you were loved by many and are definitely missed. It was a honour to have known you.
today is my first year of writing my blog! I have a long way to go with my step work but am pleased with the progress so far. It’s been tough at times – I think my ego was blocking my progress and it took for ever to accept there was a power greater than me at work. As I gave up my control and my will things are starting to become clearer, that’s all I want to say for now as work is looming but plan to write more after group tonight
As I am traveling up this road taking one step after another I am constantly reflecting back and checking out how my thoughts have changed. Last night I met up with my sponsor we only got half way thro my step, because my thoughts had changed so much in the time it took for us to get together and for me to be able to voice my thoughts!
The questions we have to answer are hard they are deep and pretty philosophical – they really make you think. Because of the nature of my fellowship and because it’s done on Skype rather than face to face because my sponsor lives 300+ miles away I don’t have much access to her. Because of my lack of self esteem and confidence I don’t have the balls to pester her! To say come on I want to do this step so the time taken between me writing up the step and now is a space of nearly 3 months. My thoughts have definitely changed! Because now I have more understanding I guess?
Anyway I know if I don’t work it it won’t work and I have to work it coz I’m worth it ( slogans slogans – one step away from brain washing ) maybe that’s my problem – I am far to cynical too questioning? Don’t want to be, I even know it’s my stupid bloody ego that’s stopping my from progressing or if you want to put it another way my addiction?!
That voice telling me NO when I see how this works for others but yet I am not allowing myself to open my self to it. It’s so frustrating. I am no different than any addict struggling with giving myself up and living the life I want to live apposed to being stubbon and not allowing myself to change and believe in what I need to do. I don’t even know where this post is going but just wanted to get something down to make me think about what I need to do and writing it makes it real! Well having a tough week with work so need to give my brain a rest maybe it will become clear tomorrow!