Check it out

This post started off being a bit whingy oh dear poor me isn’t life awful! But then I stopped being a child and became an adult! It’s been re-written If something isn’t right change it! So I did. The result wasn’t what I expected it was far better. Miscommunication is dangerous. Being a co-de is dangerous. We. I over think things. Today was a good example. A couple of weeks back it was my birthday someone who I am close to forgot. It hurt but at the end of the day it wasn’t the end of the world, but I didn’t let it go, it was all about me. Did it cross my mind that something might be happening for her no! Just she had blanked me. I did want to say something but left it as my getting better/recovery head was telling me it wasn’t worth making a fuss about. But my co-de head was saying she’s let you down she doesn’t want to be friends with you nobody likes you anyway you loose all the people you care about…sad isn’t it but that’s co-dependency the negative hurtful thoughts. She hadn’t hurt me I was hurting my self. So I let it drift creating an image – a false image of someone too wrapped up with their own life that couldn’t take 5 minutes to say happy birthday to me. I’m embarrassed by saying it! I was finding fault with her forgetfulness and not thinking for one minute something could be going on for her! So after a lot of deliberation I texted her it took me time because I didn’t want to sound like a co-de but what I did want to know was had our friendship somehow come to an end. Did I remind her of a past she didn’t want reminding of. That I could understand. We shared a very similar story. We had bonded and shared things with each other we didn’t even share in our fellowship. She had a new man life was good why would she want me reminding her of the awful life we both had lived. I should say there was a bit more to it, in as much as she called me at the weekend but my phone only rang 3 times and just as I was picking up it went dead, I called her straight back as I was happy she had called but then she didn’t answer! Well of course head went into overdrive she phoned me by accident she didn’t want to talk to me she was probably deleting my number and accidentally pressed call – you really don’t want to be inside my head at times! So I texted her with all my paranoia saying I got it if she didn’t want me in her life I hoped she had a happy life but was upset she didn’t answer my call. I tried hard to keep it neutral not to sound   Whingy! But it was still all about me it was manipulative its was not how I wanted to behave but didn’t know how else to say it. I’ve a long way to go on my journey that much I do know! The outcome was a good one for us both. She does have something major going on for her at the moment my phone was not showing my number it’s on private so she wasn’t sure if it was her ex as he has been hanging around again which is why she didn’t answer! She was devastated that she had missed my birthday but with everything that was going on for her had totally forgot. So from this I have learnt I really need to trust people more and if something isn’t right check it out. Don’t pick up on negative traits in myself and project them into others or indeed if someone has something about them I don’t like ask myself is it because it’s something in myself I don’t like, that was something my sponsor told me ages ago! If someone in group is doing your head in ask yourself why! Is it because they are showing a side of you that you don’t like? A character defect that needs work on?

The funny thing is I knew in my heart I was behaving incorrectly but didn’t know how to address it. I knew I needed to contact my friend and check it out and see what was wrong but didn’t know how to, I did do better then I would have in the past for sure, but theres still a lot of work to do.