Acceptance 


Going back to step 1 has allowed me to look at acceptance again. When living with active addiction I thought I was pretty compliant. I didn’t want arguments, especially if I had worked all day, I accepted pretty much what he told me. He didn’t want to live like this, he didn’t want to be using drugs everyday,he didn’t mean to do bad things, he didn’t want to feel sick all the time. I even believed that this wasn’t going to be forever, he would get help and do what he needed. I accepted that this was a disease, that he was sick that it was the addiction that made him do all the crazy things the bad things. Acceptance is more than just believing in tho. Acceptance is knowing I’m powerless over anything but myself. Acceptance is a way of letting go, is a form of kindness, is not judging or allowing my negative thoughts over ride me. I can use it to quiet all the things that are going on in my head and give it up to my HP. I accept and I then can forgive. Acceptance doesn’t mean I’ve given up or submitted it means I can accept the facts be aware of my options and decide what I want to do, or don’t want to do. 

‘We can not change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses’ 

Carl G Jung 

End of year musings 

So here I am again! This Christmas was probably the best I have had in at least  4 years…maybe more. But of course the last 4 were taken up in the centre of addiction. Don’t look back only look forward don’t project or hover over a future that hasn’t come yet are phrases you hear in the fellowship phrases that have a lot of bearing when you live in addiction/with addiction wise words but hard to actually live up to when you’re in it. I don’t mind looking back – it’s useful to reflect. I like to look back not in the what could I have done differently way of looking back because that achieves nothing no one can erase the past or change it, but you can and do learn from it. I’m not even going to remind myself of what I did in the last 4 years at Christmas – I know! I know things that I won’t even put in this blog. Bad shit that happened but it’s in the past. I was powerless over the addict! In every sense. His choices were just that. My choices were just that. So this year mentally I was at a much better place. No expectations I didn’t measure up or down on anyone or anything. It happened. I limited myself on the drink and food I didn’t binge which I have done in the past. For comfort! It’s been a sad year on the celebrity front lost a good number of people this year, every night over Christmas we seemed to loose another. 4 in the space of 24 hours, although Ricky Harris didn’t make the news on the TV. Or at least not on the news I saw.  Anyway end of year reflections 

I came to believe that I was never going to change the addict. In fact more than that it was not my place to even try. I found the power maybe from my HP -( which someone once told me was myself and I doubted it but maybe he is right) to let go let god and release with love. Words and mantras that are easy to say but not so easy to put into practice. I saw yet again the the addict was not ready to change. That he was prepared after going thro the pain of coming off the drugs to start it all over again even tho he knew he was killing himself time and time again. That he hadn’t as yet made the decision to say enough is enough. But more importantly no matter what I did it wasn’t going to change anything. The only thing I could change was me. I know 1 year ago 2 years ago I said this but it was words this year I did it. I haven’t lost faith that it’s possible I know it’s possible I follow a fellow blogger seen how he has changed his life around he’s not a kid either but a grown man. But for my own sanity I jumped of the merry go round. Maybe I reached my rock bottom? Maybe I came to realise that I needed something more that I couldn’t be pulled into the downward spiral of someone else’s addiction yet again. Maybe I just realised just how hurtful it was to me and those around me? Nah what it was was I believed. I believed that I was powerless that my HP gave me the strength to say know what? You go ahead and do what you want, but don’t expect me to be part of it, one day you will find the way, but my hurt has to stop and only I can control that.  

So on that little reflection and in knowing everyday I am getting stronger and better I wish you all well. I hope your festivities were with out drama. And that you live in serenity and hope 

Walking the walk! 

No matter what brings you to the rooms what your addiction there has to come a point when you stop talking the talk and actually walk the walk! You will be pleased to read today I have. Negative behaviours from another that impact on me are no good. At the weekend I could see how his drug of choice has reclaimed him again. It’s hard to watch and even harder to bring up in conversation, but brought up it had to be 😔 of course I was promised the moon on a stick if I could just do this or that and how he was going to go to drugs services today go back on the script, something I know he hates being on more than drugs, so went with it, but I was also very clear as to what I would do if he didn’t follow his plan. That I understand how the drug works but the behaviour that was starting to show its self ( both mine and his) was not the road I wanted to go down. I feel extremely irritated by his use of drugs his constant requests for money the constant lies I have heard too many times before to even start to believe them any more, but I did believe that he would go to drugs services because I do believe he doesn’t want to be a slave to this drug. At on point he said how do you think I have been paying for it? Stealing?? Was my answer, yes he said because I don’t want to ask you…fair point thank you, but I could get recalled if I get caught, yes you could but who’s put you there? I saw his face the disappointment when i didn’t say you must not steal to feed your habit – I didn’t jump in to rescue him. So today after a fairly good weekend that wasn’t filled with too much drama we headed back to Macc via me working in Manchester on the way. One of the things I had said to him was this. I know for you to stop using you have to heal yourself get to the rotten root that makes you feel you can’t cope with life. You have to get spiritually well, I am on that road to recovery so believe me when I say, you can do what ever you want to do, but I will not go back to how it was before you went to jail, I will not enable you I will not give you money. When I do I feel bad about myself feel stupid feel fake, so to keep my serenity I know I have to remove myself from the drama and the chaos. It hurts me your behaviour hurts me. I hurt myself when I don’t follow my programme. But I don’t suppose he listened or if he did heard, why should he when I have never really stuck by it, a few days later giving in to him to his requests as I always have in the past. Can I borrow your phone he asked as I was driving, yeah sure…apparently some guy owed him some H only had 1 when he wanted 2 so he wanted to get it….well as long as it wasn’t going to impact on me, there wasn’t much I could say. So he said he needed to go and see this fella and would jump the train, he was ill he couldn’t be sitting in the car for 2 hours waiting for me, he’d be back on the script tomorrow blah blah blah….I said do what you want BUT I haven’t got time to be waiting on you I have a personal appointment that I need to get home for, so when I am finished you better be ready. ( could already feel my nerves rattling and stress building up ) so I dropped him at the station and went to do my job. When it was finished I called him, no answer…called again no answer, txt him you better  pick up or I am going home not hanging around for you….called again picked up! Getting on the train now, ok you better be as I am not hanging around if your not here by 12 I am going. Drove to the station as checked the times of the trains. One had just come in the next one got in just before 12.. Unsurprisingly he wasn’t on either of them. So I txt him because of course now he wouldn’t answer! I gave him time to get from the station to where I was parked but because of my appointment couldn’t wait any longer. This is my txt 😔

Sorry that train has come in so if u weren’t on it too bad u should have said u wasn’t or at least picked up the call. Will drop you stuff off sometime can’t tomorrow maybe Wednesday – your on your own now told u I didn’t want to go back to this way of life sorry – u can lie to yourself but not to me I love u but not the chaos u bring to my life. If u genuinely want to stop get yourself sorted and call me X

When I read it I can see just how stressed I had become in such a short space of time all my negative behaviours showing them selves right there! You do this or I will do that! That’s no way to live to behave, to be!

Yes I have walked away before but that was through arguments etc, this is because I want to keep my serenity I can’t go back I can’t live a lie, I feel bad of course his feet really are bad has no money and is stuck in the one place I really don’t want him to be, because I know where he will probably head 😢 he will blame me it will be my fault I left him there with no money and no transport, but you see it’s not my fault, it’s his choice of behaviour ( not the drugs yes he relapsed but that’s the way the drug works) he choose to jump the train to get there, he knew I had an appointment to get back home for, granted he probably didn’t think I would walk away, but this time I had to, talking the talk is one thing living it and doing it is a lot harder but if I don’t put it into practice now then nothing will change.

Peace out in Hope X

You’re a strong woman

I heard that a lot over the next few weeks. I wonder what that means? You are a strong woman?? Well I am a woman, get that bit, but what does being a strong woman mean? If it meant drinking to block out the pain, not sleeping, wanting to die, but not being ‘strong’ enough to do any thing about it, then I am strong! If it meant all I could think about was what he was doing what I had done wrong, why didn’t he want to be with me? Then I am strong. But I don’t think that it means that does it. So what does being strong mean I wonder….this weekend I was asked if I ever had taken heroin or crack. No is the simple answer, having seen and lived with an addict it doesn’t hold much attraction. Of course I wonder what it feels like what the big attraction is…. He once said I would love a rock! We were sat outside a pub in the sunshine in Morecambe, on one of our early dates. We were talking about drugs and he said I bet you would love it. Thank god I just laughed it off and didn’t suggest going off and finding some! 10 years ago if he hadn’t been in rehab I might have….so does that make me strong? It just wasn’t an option.
I coped I go to work I paid my bills ( most of the time) I did what most people have to do to get by, to live, but did that make me strong? I don’t have very good coping mechanisms. Drink is my default. It doesn’t control me, but I abuse it in times of need. Have gone to work with hangovers, but have gone to work. Does that make me strong? I am quite good at organising things have a fairly good work ethic ( guilt probably at letting people down!) good at time management….regarding work. Putting on a brave face in front of those that don’t know me, don’t need to know my problems, that’s just common decency that’s not being strong, holding on to tears until I am alone? No let’s be honest…its more about me shutting off from my emotions not showing it cos I am not feeling it! Becoming completely detached…. Good at that, does that equal strength? I was so sad I felt so low I was on antidepressants I cared for nothing I wanted to die I didn’t clean the house getting a shower in the morning was more of a hinderance than something I wanted to do, if my hair wasn’t so short and fine and didn’t need washing every day I wouldn’t have bothered, and it wasn’t that I was doing it for me, but I suppose I didn’t want to give the wrong impression at work, I suppose somewhere in my brain knew I had to keep my job, if I didn’t I wouldn’t have money no money no house. I knew if I didn’t get my sorry ass out of bed showered and dressed I would loose my job and I didn’t have the strength to go freelance and force myself, so this was the better option. So no I wasn’t strong I did what I had to do to keep a roof over my head, but didn’t care about anything else. No doubt someone will say yes you are strong you got through it….but that’s just it, I haven’t! If I had been able to cope I wouldn’t be having to put it down in a blog, I would just get on with life without the fundamental need to put all my personal thoughts and feelings out in the Internet world for all to see. I would have some way of just getting on with it ( life). I wouldn’t be a victim as he called me a couple of days before I didn’t see him again….victims aren’t strong are they? They might put up with a lot of shit but strong people aren’t victims are they? If I was strong I wouldn’t have allowed my self to get into all this mess I would have walked away I would have had more self worth than to put up with again and again the empty promises, but I did. I couldn’t walk away I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. So ‘you’re a strong woman’ didn’t ring true, then or now because strong women don’t get into this sort of life in the first place do they? I put up with a lot, lies,deceit, hurt, a way of life I had never experienced before, living a life of being scared, scared to say anything in case it was the wrong thing, scared that something awful would happen to him, scared that those he owed money would get him or me, scared his next dig would be his last dig, not having enough food, having the police banging on the door, phoning me up, stopping the car…..you have read it you know what I dealt with, did that make me strong? Does that equate with being a strong woman? Yes I got though it yes I am still alive yes I still have a job….but I didn’t have the one thing I wanted and for all the negatives I wanted him he made me strong, he made me feel alive, he made me have purpose, and if I needed another being to make me feel as though I was someone, that, THAT, is not NOT being strong that is weak very weak!

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19/4/14

I found myself down a side street in Manchester just outside the centre. I found the house easily enough but my heart was racing I felt sick because I knew what he was going to say, and was trying so hard to focus on what I needed to say to him, that I understood that it was hard for him that he did have to be able to stand on his own two feet but we could work together on his recovery. I had been to a few meetings of my own fellowship and thought I understood a bit more about his programme and wanted to explain that I knew what I had done by enabling him was wrong. That we had been living in chaos and denial and that didn’t have to happen in the future. I had started to recognise some of my shortcomings and things that I had done wrong, in the course of the relationship especially towards the end, before he went into detox, I didn’t want this to be all in vain. The pain and suffering that we had shared. I wanted to have a chance at a normal relationship with him when he was sober. I understood that the way we had treated each other was a product of the drug use not of us as a couple. Not who we were, or at least not who I was. I disliked the woman I had become, there was little fun, he had shut me off from my friends, money spent on going out and having a laugh was money not spent on drugs. Money not spent on looking after my appearance was money better spent on drugs. He said I was hung up on money, yes because he had made me that way. Before we met I could go out when I wanted ( ok towards the end of the month I wasn’t rich) I had been use to buying clothes, good quality clothes, shoes because I liked them not cheap £5 shoes from Primark because the shoes I had on were that old my feet were wet, because the soles of the ones I had were down to the cardboard insole. I had a lot of resentment built up and because I was so weak and couldn’t let him down I didn’t outwardly complain, if I did he always came back with some rebuff, you look fine the clothes you have look nice, you don’t need to go out with them people, I will be here by myself, and you don’t want me to get into trouble do you? If I said anything about his drug use and the money, he would just say well I will go out and graft, I thought you didn’t want me getting into trouble with the police? So I always gave in. So yes I had become very passive aggressive. Rather than stand up to him, i was sarcastic, I spoke to him like he was a child that didn’t know better, I snipped, complained about the smallest thing, because I couldn’t say what I really wanted to, which was I don’t want to give you the money I don’t want to live like this, I want my life back…sometimes I did say it but it never changed the drug use, the demands ( which is what they became) for money didn’t stop. So I gave it begrudgingly, and hated this man but still wanted the other man back.
So there I was outside the house that had changed his feeling towards me. The plans that WE had made for the future were slipping away, I didn’t understand it, I didn’t understand enough of what he wanted, or why he didn’t want me in his life any more. Because I think I knew the painful truth was I served no purpose any more, he didn’t need me now he was free from addiction, well in recovery. But I couldn’t even think that subconsciously of course, I must have thought it but right now I didn’t think it not even for one second. How many times had he said to me, all I want is to get off this shit, I hate being like this, we can have a good life together once I am off this stuff. Why wouldn’t I believe it?
So I get out of my car and walk up to the steps of this big Victorian red brick house. I knock on the door. A man opens it, can I help you? Yes I have come to see K. And you are? I didn’t know who I was any more…his girlfriend?? I answer. Oh yeah right, he needs to speak to you right? My head was racing again, does he? What have you lot said to change his feelings so much, in the space of 4 weeks he has gone from loving me to having no room in his life for me, 4 weeks ago in detox he said he loved me….I said nothing, he shouted K visitor….he came. He looked well, his face had filled out again, he had had a proper haircut, he was dressed in clothes I recognised, but he looked good. This was so hard, I still had such strong feelings for him, seeing him like that reminded me of the first time I had met him for a date, I fancied the arse off him! But this time could very possibly be the last time I would see him so I was also filled with immense fear, and a desperation to do anything to keep him. We went to the back of the house, you can’t come in my room he said it wasn’t said in a nice way but really roughly almost as if he was doing me a favour in seeing me at all and I was the last person on earth that he wanted to speak too! I suppose I was! I replied I didn’t expect I could. So we went into the kitchen and he asked if I wanted a brew. Am I going to be here long enough I thought? Yes please. Thanks for coming his voice was less harsh, it’s a long way on your day off. Then he kissed me! Talk about mixed messages…I stepped back a bit unsure what was going on. Now my head really was racing he kissed me? So is everything ok? have I totally misunderstood what he was saying on the phone? We sat down and he tried to make small talk repeating stuff I had already seen on Facebook and he had already told me on the phone, trivial stuff mainly about him! He didn’t ask about me, but that was ok I didn’t want to talk about me, I just wanted to keep myself together to focus on everything he said so I could calmly talk about it if I needed to.
My calmness lasted all of a minute! He repeated what he had said to me on the phone, I tried to take it in he really was saying he couldn’t be with me any more….

Why babe I don’t understand why?

I need to focus on this I can’t if your in my life, I can’t be with you if I am in here….

Yes you said that before but when you are out of here will you come back to me?

I don’t know. I can’t think about the future I have to focus on today I can’t think that far a head, ( this was 12 steps talking not K, I had read enough and knew enough about my programme to understand the language used) maybe we will be I don’t know!

I wasn’t going to make this easy for him, and he wouldn’t just come out with it and say we were finished, it was all maybes, I don’t know…of course I knew what he was saying but I refused to let this go. If he said I don’t want to be with you any more, I am sorry, then I would accept it but all this I don’t know what will happen in the future shit was making it harder and worse, because it was giving me hope that we would get back together. So I said, so that’s it then you don’t want me in your life I have served my purpose and now you have no use for me?
No no that’s not what I am saying but right now I can’t be with you,
so you want me to wait?
I don’t know I don’t know how long I will be in here. I hate it here I want to use its really hard work I haven’t even done my life story yet…..he was half talking to me as normal then would throw I can’t be with you into the conversation. I think I was crying by now everything I had rehearsed in my head had gone, I had wanted to be calm and in control, I wanted to be able to put forward a good reason why we should be together after every thing we had been through we both deserved to see if we could make this work. And if it didn’t then we could go our separate ways. But I couldn’t get the words out, I tried and tried but what ever I did say wasn’t having any impact on him. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me any more. My life and future hopes and dreams were being torn away from me, my heart was breaking, I don’t think I had ever experienced this much pain in my life. But it was mainly because I couldn’t see or understand why. If he had said the way you treated me was horrible and I don’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t have liked it but would have understood. If he had said I don’t love you any more, I would have understood, if he had said I treated you so badly and I am ashamed every time I look at you it will remind me I would have understood. Even if he had said because I am clean and I associate you with taking drugs and might relapse, that would have been something, but no he wanted us to be friends, to part on good terms ( of course that makes it easier for him) he wants us not to be together whilst he is in there. He wants to know that if he is visiting his mum and I am there then I won’t be upset by him being there!
Really?? Do you really expect me to visit your mum if we are not together? I ask him.
Well you get on well.
Yes but she is your mother! I see her because of you! How can me and her be friends I will want to know what you are doing want to know how you are, I can’t sit there having a cup of tea and have you walk in, it will kill me.

This conversation went around in circles for about 2 hours. I was worn out and yet had so much I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words, I had them before I arrived, I don’t know if you have ever experienced that? You want to say something and you knew what you wanted to say but because of upset, panic, pain the words just won’t formulate in your head. I was alive I was breathing I could hear I could speak my body was working it was a beautiful warm day we had sat out in the sun but I was cold my brain was dead, numb and my heart felt like it was torn into a million pieces.
I was only allowed a 2 hour visit – so he said so I had to go. He walked me out to the car, he hugged me so tight and covered my face in kisses I am so sorry he said again and again.
Then why??? But he couldn’t or wouldn’t answer.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
But you have I don’t want to live without you!
I have to go, I am sorry….I still have your iPod, do you want it back?
keep it K, just go.
I get in the car as I drive past, he is on the steps up to the house he waves me good bye, I am crying my life is over.
I believe that this is going to be the last time I see him or have any contact, if it had been I might not be writing this!

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Zomie Apocalypse

image I remember one of the first times I went with him to score. It stuck with me just because of the craziness of it all!

He had made a couple of phone calls and we went to the Moss. When you are on the way to get drugs everything is urgent. You have to get there first incase they haven’t brought enough out so this experience stuck with me for many reasons. I obviously knew he was using by now and had been with him a couple of times and dropped him off waited whilst he disappeared and then came back, but this time it was different.

It was day time and light. We had to go up to the Moss estate and make our way to near the allotments. All of a sudden he said turn here, I had been tho the allotments before so when we turned I knew it wasn’t the right way. He made another phone call and after hanging up said fuck turn around! As I was turning he said no back the other way he had seen someone on a bike I assume the person we needed to see. He disappeared through a ginnal, put your foot down he shouted, yeah ok but where am I going? I don’t mind driving fast if I know the road and know where I am going so I can make the needed manoeuvres! He shouted stop!!! And jumped out and ran up the street. Wow what was that about I thought. I pulled over and parked up there were a few lads in hoodies sculking about, one on the phone they ran off in the opposite direction to Karl. Then they came! It was like a zombie movie….they just appeared out of no there was young mothers with buggies young men young women most looked like the living dead! It was like a sea of bodies well more like a wave, but they all had the same look of desperation about them. Hollow faces dead eyes. My God! There must have been about 20 of them I guess. I didn’t count I was just shocked to the core. The 3 lads I had seen running off the other way came back up the hill behind me. I don’t know if you have ever seen someone on their way for drugs, when you know what you are looking for you can spot them a mile off! Hoodies are usually a given! Covers the face. But they have a focus they move fast too. Don’t run often but they do shift

All I could think of was Shaun of the Dead! I know it isn’t funny but the whole futility of it made me laugh. I know that’s wrong but maybe back then all I could do was laugh at the absurdity that I had gotten my self into! In reality I found it very sad, but also shocking, mothers with babies for christs sake! Really??

I don’t remember where I had been to work that day, but probably a police station or maybe Court, and here I was surrounded by druggies going to get their fix, and worse of all my fella was one of them!

The irony of it all!