Acceptance 


Going back to step 1 has allowed me to look at acceptance again. When living with active addiction I thought I was pretty compliant. I didn’t want arguments, especially if I had worked all day, I accepted pretty much what he told me. He didn’t want to live like this, he didn’t want to be using drugs everyday,he didn’t mean to do bad things, he didn’t want to feel sick all the time. I even believed that this wasn’t going to be forever, he would get help and do what he needed. I accepted that this was a disease, that he was sick that it was the addiction that made him do all the crazy things the bad things. Acceptance is more than just believing in tho. Acceptance is knowing I’m powerless over anything but myself. Acceptance is a way of letting go, is a form of kindness, is not judging or allowing my negative thoughts over ride me. I can use it to quiet all the things that are going on in my head and give it up to my HP. I accept and I then can forgive. Acceptance doesn’t mean I’ve given up or submitted it means I can accept the facts be aware of my options and decide what I want to do, or don’t want to do. 

‘We can not change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses’ 

Carl G Jung 

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Back to basics 

So I sat down with my work book and read it, really read it, I’m am so pleased my new sponsor asked me to start again! When I first did the steps I had completed I think it was all about ‘getting through them’. That somehow the quicker I got through them the quicker I would recover. Of course I didn’t get through them all that quickly to be honest, I found the questions difficult and the things being asked of me hard to do. I struggled for years to honestly find a HP I could believe in. Yesterday I read the questions differently. I understood what they meant, I understood what it was asking me to do. I’m not suggesting they are any more easier but I’m now at a place where they make sense. From this I have been able to see why it was so difficult before. The denial of so many things. Interestingly when I started another fellowships work book a few weeks ago I found the questions much easier, I thought maybe it was CoDA is all about being kind to ourselves, so I thought what was being asked was easier, but now I think it’s more about the fact I have listened. I have heard some things I don’t like recently, others opinions of me. But I listened. As our fellowship says take what is useful and leave the rest. But something’s were highlighted that I can work on. A lot of the negative behaviours highlighted are totally co-dependent behaviours. So I wasn’t really surprised to hear them even if it is never pleasant to experience it. With out sounding as though I’m justifying these behaviours I still feel at the moment that when I displayed them I actually had no idea – no idea of the impact on others or that they were in fact anything but normal. I thought that was who I was. It is who I am but with my programs I can learn a better way to live, and ask the god of my understanding to help me remove them. 

So for now as I restart my journey I am grateful for what I have learnt so far, and with the help and love of my fellowships know I can become a better person. 

Walking the walk 

Whilst I have been writing this blog many things have happened. I relapsed again and again going back to my negative self belief that I was somehow knew better than  K that he should want to get and stay in recovery, that I was better than ‘god’ and I could save K from self destruction. I’m Not sure how or when my mind set changed but it did. Call it my HP if you like, but something steered me away. Something clicked and I came to believe that this was not my job it is well and truly Gods job. Reading another’s blog this afternoon affirmed this @fromstruggletostrength. The words struck a chord with me. The self hate and self loathing that K lived with weren’t mine to fix. They never were. He often would say he liked using drugs and I don’t doubt it. It blocked out all the feelings ( for a while) but then on coming too the self loathing starts again, I’m sure you are aware of the cycle of addiction. 

Looking at myself and some of the defects of character I may have, I have recognised my OC behaviours. Some are for the good putting 110% into a project is never a bad thing, I know that I have addictive traits to my personality. I don’t have a cut off switch when it comes to alcohol. I have nothing  drink for weeks at a time but if I have more than a couple I’m in a very dangerous place as my brain makes me believe I want more. I have to put things in place to stop me, like making sure I have no money around or going out in the car so I only have 1. Again I can have drink in the house and not touch it, but if I open it the chances are I’ll drink it. I don’t even know why I am writing  this! I’ve digressed! Oh yes the OC traits!! I’m not very disciplined when it comes to doing stuff, my blog is very haphazard. In the beginning I had lots to say, I was still in denial and self pitying mode. I had joined a fellowship and if I’m honest was a non believer! But I wrote and wrote often I became obsessed with writing it. My journey was slow I relapsed like I say, but that’s because I didn’t understand the harm I was still doing to my self. But I didn’t give up – I wanted to live a different way. The co-dependent wanting to believe in a dream that wasn’t shared. Once I understood that then it became easier to really walk the walk. Once I fully 100% understood that I could NEVER change the addict, that no matter how much he said he didn’t want to live that way, until he actually changed it for himself, I could do nothing. Maybe you read this and wonder why it took me so long or it is obvious that you can’t change another’s behaviour, maybe you are thinking she’s said this before, and I probably have, but that was talking the talk! Now I 100% believe I am walking the walk! My OCB meant I was fixated on making him better, on doing anything and everything to get my reward, a cliché but couldn’t see the wood for the trees! My fellow blogger stated that addiction wants to kill you, and it does. It wants you to live in misery it feeds off that and gets stronger so you stay in it thinking that everything will be all right, that eventually your loved one will see the light – didn’t they say they didn’t want to live like this whilst asking again for money! It’s self destruct on every level. 

Do I wonder what’s happening to him yes of course you dont give up 4 years to a person without wondering how they are and what they are doing. But thankfully even if he is still in addiction I somehow found the strength to let go and let god. 

My latest obsession is instagram I don’t think that’s too harmful! But like a lot of my obsessions it will become boring and I will stop, or at least not be on it as much! I need an obsession for my step work haha maybe tho now I am getting settled again I will find the time, but we are coming close to the start of my other love the growing season 😃 seeds getting sorted my spare bed room turned into a growing room propagaters cleaned and ready – that’s one obsession I won’t get hurt by! 

Thanks for reading 

Hope x 

When things go right 

So I am coming to the end of my holiday a week away by myself well me and the dog! Back to a place I have been a few times before. This exact place 3 times now but first time alone and I have loved it! I have enjoyed being here in the past but it was always with someone else and in my codi mind set always putting them first….so this week – that week we work for and save for and give up other stuff for so we can live the dream week this week has been good. I have had a few ‘Karen’ moments lost my purse ( with my bank card and money) lost some shopping got lost driving but nothing so disasterous I couldn’t sort.  When I was with an addict i became ‘ clever’ with money or deceitful if you like. I hid money I hid bank accounts if you have read my story you know this already but if you haven’t it’s just part of being one step ahead looking out for me and my needs – some might call it control? I call it making sure I have enough to get thro the week or month. So when i realised my purse had gone just stopped the card and re orders a new one and transferred the money into another account which I had a bank card for ….I think my HP was looking out for me because I had not long gone to the bank to get some money out but the cash point was broken, other wise I would have been  maybe £50 down. So lost about £15. I had been saving my coins for parking as parking in Cornwall isn’t cheap and was more annoyed about that than anything as I no longer had change. The shopping? I bought a scarf and was given it in a bag, rather than put it in my ruck sac I carried it stopped for tea and put it down and never picked it up! Getting lost – easy when roads are closed and diversions aren’t clear for people that don’t live in the area. But I have enjoyed myself I have reached a point where I can please myself do what I want  to do. I had plans for the week some I have done others I haven’t. The dog has had some influence over what I could do – places I couldn’t go with her.  But all in all I have had a good week. 

Why am I sharing this on here? Not to say hey I’ve been on holiday! Nope I’m saying it because I have a real gut feeling that I am over my past. I have stopped living I hope – no I have stopped living in hopeless addiction – I live in hope always! I hope every addict finds a way out of the torture, I live in hope that every co- dependent realises the truth and works on them selves to be ‘co-dependent no more’* I live in hope that who ever reads this is happy not to take second best putting others in front of themselves in a desperate hope that person will love them more ( see last hope) but more importantly I live in hope for me! I wasn’t sure if I had much to blog about now but maybe I do. I give service for my fellowship and help out with our ‘help line’. I took a call the other day and the lady i spoke to said things I never thought I would hear – that I gave her hope that there was a way out, that I had been thro so much and yet  was willing to give to others and sounded positive and kind. I give service to give back to the fellowship that saved me. I share my experience strength and hope not for praise or nice words but to enable others to see the way – to live free from the life they live bound up in, the hurt addiction brings to them/us. I do not underestimate the pain the addict has to deal with mentally and physically, the torture they live in, but that is for the addict to say enough is enough not us that live with them and see it and try to deal with it. We can’t change it. As I read back through  this I am seeing step one – accept I am powerless over the addict and my life has become unmanageable!  I am living it now – how great is that – I give thanks to the fellowship and my HP for allowing it to happen and for allowing me to give me will over to my HP to guide me. My story is far from over my step work is slow but that is because I have to believe in every word before I can ask my sponsor to listen to my step. But I know I am in recovery and this week has proved it to me. When I came away before by myself to Cornwall I wasn’t happy I had already started my journey into co-dependency and attachment to an addict. I was wrapped up in him and what he thought and had lost my own will to him even though we had only just met. Other things contributed to my unhappy holiday a friend committed suicide whist I was here and it rained most the time but I wasn’t who I am now – of course! So I sign off with hope for you and me xx  

*Melodie Beatie 

Relapse and control. 

Sometimes I wish I could put into words what is going on in my head, my thought processes aren’t linear they are like spider diagrams with a word in the middle and thought association bubbles all around it. Like now I am trying to do one of the steps, I have 36 questions to answer! Not easy questions either here’s a couple

What have I done to interfere with a higher powers involvement in my life?

Am I learning what recovery and serenity can mean to me? – explain

When my thought patterns are jumbled how can I make any sense of it all?

I want peace and serenity in my life, I want to be able not to react to problems but think them through.

A year ago my trust was destroyed yet again, this time last year I was trying to hold it together. Again. It was one of his great disappearing acts He had gone missing before but never more than 12 hours, even when arrested he eventually got in contact. If I am honest with myself I loved the drama, but now I am just too tired for it all again. It’s around this time last year I came back to my fellowship, to start working on me. To stop the treadmill of chaos and drama and to find that peace and serenity I longed for. Maybe I still wasn’t ready? Maybe my ego /selfwill was  still not ready to give my self over to something I could not tangibly see or believe in – this Higher Power. I used the term even back then but didn’t really understand what it was. I had had moments when my HP had desperately tried to show me itself, but I knew better. I could make the same wrong choices over and over expecting a different outcome! Been said before and I will say it again, that is the insanity of addiction!

It is suggested that we live for today this day only, to stop projections to a future that hasn’t come yet, but I struggle with that. To keep myself safe I can’t live in a bubble of ‘just for today’. I have to think what if… Because I need to be prepared. I need to know how to react if it all goes wrong. How I react. Not what I think he should do. What I want. If I don’t know that how can I have boundaries? It’s not about saying you can’t to this you can’t do that, it’s about me saying if you choose to do that I want no part of it. These are my rules. It’s not control its self worth I think? It’s putting in place things to stop me relapsing if the addict relapses.

It’s about me being supportive emotionally but not being sucked dry, it’s about give and take equally, but as importantly not pacifying him because I am scared of loosing him. He’s not mine to loose. He will make his choices and I will make mine. If I don’t want to live in chaos and insanity then I have to let go and let God. Believe my HP will look after me and his will him.

This post was triggered by a few things, 1 this bloody step I am trying to get thro, 2 the time of year it is with all its associated memories and 3 he just called me!

I tried to explain all of this and was met with hostility and vague threats ( in his mind) that he wouldn’t see me when he got out. I calmly said that if he doesn’t want to follow my requests then that is up to him. Threats of moving back to where he comes from, which equates to relapse, but where as before I would have been trying to pacify and beg him not to I just quietly said do what you think is right for you. So reader I sometimes think I am stuck, that I haven’t learnt anything….mainly because I suppose I haven’t had to put it into practice – until now – but now I can feel good about it, I have learnt I have put it into practice, if he chooses not to live a clean life that is just that his choice. I don’t feel bad, I don’t feel sorry, I don’t feel as though I am making unreasonable demands, I am certainly not trying to control anything but my self. If he relapsed it wouldn’t stop me from caring about him, it’s an illness a disease, that can’t be cured. There are things he can do to keep it in remission but that’s for him to do. Not me!

For an addict relapse is part of life. It can take many attempts before it is successful, be it drugs,alcohol, cigarettes, other people’s lives, we all relapse. It doesn’t make us bad people, sometimes the addiction makes us do bad things to supplement the habit. Take a child for example, they are not born bad. They might be born into a bad situation with parents that don’t have the skills to bring them up as a rounded human being but fundamentally the child is not bad. Things happen they look for an escape, other bad things happen, and so it goes on the feeling of worthlessness, with every bad thing that happens a reenforcement that they are worthless. That is a hard cycle to break. I am sure many of you identify! If you don’t then you are lucky. So I think what I am trying to say is it’s not for me to sit in judgement if relapse happens, it doesn’t mean you have failed, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, but sometimes those that love you have to protect themselves too. We are not trying to control anyone but ourselves.

where am I?

Since joining my fellowship I have learnt that I can’t do the steps in 12 days 12 months even who knows 12 years! I wanted quick fix answers to a problem that I thought was mine to fix! Then I came to understand that actually it wasn’t mine to fix and i couldn’t fix it even if I knew how to. Giving it over to my HP meant I could actually focus on things i could fix – me!

when I started the work I never thought I would ever get my head around it, but what kept me coming back was hearing others sharing their experiences strength and hope and thought if it works for them maybe it could work for me too? And now? Well it’s me sharing my experience of how I have changed my focus, set my boundaries ( which still get bent at times!) and have given the job of fixing to a power greater than me. Sometimes I read a blog that I follow and think wow yes I can totally relate to that! It might be from a recovering addict a using addict, and I think you know what? our situations aren’t all that different, we might be on opposite sides of the addiction spectrum in as much as I was focusing on the affect living with someone else’s addiction as apposed to fighting the/living in addiction but we are all fighting every day to follow a new way of life, putting our trust in a higher power and hopefully getting strength and hope from our fellowships and the love we receive there.

I am going to try to find more time to start writing again, not to gossip about what is going on in my life right now with my qualifier (K) but to put the spotlight on me again to look at what I achieved.. Time will tell I guess!

Forgiveness

I have to keep on forgiving because if I dont I waste energy on things I have no control over. What I struggle with is if forgiveness can become enabling? By allowing someone to behave in a way I find hurtful will there be an end to that behaviour? Even though I know that it’s not diliberate hurt, it’s just the nature of the relationship we have ( or don’t have). I know our wants are very different. I know the drugs make him behave in a way that is not really acceptable to me, and so I forgive. Not to forgive means I fret about what I have or haven’t done, what he has or hasn’t done….let go let God. I don’t think I understood that phrase for as long as I have been part of the fellowship but I think I am now understanding that I can’t take on the responsibility of his actions, I have to give it over to my HIgher power  to deal with and do what they think is best. What I need to work out is whether I can have any sort of friendship with him and keep on forgiving him. But more importantly what do I get from this very bizarre situation.

Bringing the story up to speed….

i am aware that I have tended to jump about abit it wasn’t my intention as I have said before I had meant to start at the beginning and work my way thro. I didn’t think I would still have contact, when I started, I thought this will be a great way of helping me put it to sleep, a record of what happened and had then hoped to start on my journey through the the 12 steps, maybe just voicing the problems I was encountering and it more becoming a diary. I thought by now I would be telling you all about boring life stuff! So I am now going to try really hard to stay focused and catch up with events as they happened not as they are happening! I will hold off that until I catch up, then it can be an as it happens blog.

So he came back to mine with the promise of a home detox. The first day he stayed in bed slept most the day and night, or at least was sleeping when I checked on him. I thought well maybe just maybe this time he is going for it, but reminded my self that this was only the first day we had done this before! He ate some food but said he was feeling ill, but I didn’t expect anything else. He had looked shocking lost loads of weight. This was different from before. At least when we had been together he had the meth, that held off the worse of the rattle starting he could manage a couple of days before it kicked in. But this time all he had was some medication from the doctors, I didnt probe what they were, he was always very Cagey about talking about stuff, probably cos he was lying!

The next day he asked if we could go out. I was surprised I didn’t think he would be up to it. Where you want to go?

Dont mind love you decide just want to get out the house before you go back to work tomorrow…

ok Blackpool?

Yeah

ok well you know it’s the week before pay day so I haven’t got loads of money so don’t want me to be buying beer and meals out!

No love that’s fine just be nice to see the sea! Have missed us going out places.

yeah me too!

I don’t really go places with out a reason when I am alone. I will go somewhere if I have a purpose but don’t just take myself off. I used to when I had the dogs used to go somewhere nice for a walk but don’t really have the motivation when I am alone.

So we have a brew and off we go. As we are getting close to the turn off for Blackpool he says I am not feeling well….

oh you want to go home?

No but do you think there is any chance I could go and get a thing , please love you know I don’t like asking but I feel really ill, and then we could go to Blackpool and have a good time.

No I can’t afford for you to buy drugs and then go to Blackpool it’s one or the other….

i am really ill it’s no further than Blackpool you won’t be using any more fuel,

K it’s and extra 60 mile round trip to macclesfield…

Not to Bolton….

Bolton? You want me to go to Bolton? Where she lives!

Come on love I can get sorted really quick then we can get something to eat later….

In my head I am screaming NO no I don’t want to pay for your drugs but what can I do? You’re  here in my car why do you always get me into this situation where I feel as though I can’t get out of it with out giving in? Why when  the last thing I want to do is enable you you make it so difficult not to? I am trying to give you reader an understanding of what it’s like for me. When this happens. There was no point in going to Blackpool he would just sulk and say he felt ill and not get out the car…. I could go home but then what I would have him in the house rattling, he gets moody and snappy I don’t want that. I can’t afford to go to macclesfield and back home then back to macclesfield. My head was spinning….  Ok ok I will take you to Bolton,

aw thanks love! 😄

we go to Bolton he makes a few calls and I go to the bank take out £20. He says I promise I won’t use til we get back to yours.

Ok I say…..thinking I doubt it!

We go up a street and he tells me to wait gets out and waits for the drop on the corner. He disappeared. I think ok here we go I am in for a wait, but after about 10 mins he comes back….I need a chemist.

Ok

I know one ( of course he does!)

the chemist is on a main road there is parking out side he asks if I have any money for a drink says he is thirsty. He goes to the chemist and comes back with a bottle of water and his pins. I start the car. Wait he says….

He gets out his gear and opens the pack from the chemist. He is about to use right in front of me in my car in broad daylight on a high street! I feel sick. But why can’t I say anything? I couldn’t I wanted to cry….he had never done this before. I didn’t know what to do….what if someone came past it might be a Sunday but it was early  afternoon! I looked away I didn’t know what else to do. He cooked up and injected himself….this was a step beyond….he must have been desperate but in front of me? I knew he couldn’t wait he never could but in the car in broad daylight…..disgusted didn’t come close.

we went back home I was furious. We packed up our stuff and put things in the car…can we take the iPad love? Well there isn’t much point I say you will just put it in cash converters! I was laughing when I said it but we both knew it was the truth. I had very little money left to get me through to pay day. I had spent an extra £80 on drugs that I hadn’t really budgeted for in the last week I had to get to birmingham later in the week ( I wasn’t sure how I could afford it but thought I might get the train so I could use the works credit card)!i had a couple of hospital jobs so needed the cash I had for parking. I did actually have about £70 but any more hits for drugs and I would be shafted!

We set off and when we were about 20 miles from Macc  he asked to borrow my phone, he made a couple of calls. Do you think we could go to Congleton? What for? ( as if I didn’t know ) I dont have any more money! Come on love I know you have? I am not well you could help me if you wanted.

I have £12 I need £10 for parking tomorrow….

i know you have more money you’re just making it hard for me…

no I am not I don’t have any more money!

I don’t know why I drove to Congleton but I knew I had to somehow keep him on side, I couldn’t afford to drive home I didn’t want us to fall out I was starting to panic the old feelings of fear creeping back.

What have you got in your purse?

i don’t know have a look….

theres only £12

i told you that

how much have u got in the bank?

I have about 15 but I need it for work….

we had pulled up in front of the coop. Go and get it out on cash back.

no

this isn’t enough – he was getting angry, I need more money you have it go and get it for me I need it now! He was shouting at me I felt scared, I mean really scared I was frightened for the first time that he might hit me, I had never seen him like this before. There was real anger in his eyes I had never seen him look like this before,  They won’t give me anything for this £12 isn’t enough!

No I say, I needed the money I had, I shouldn’t have to justify how I spent my money to him or anyone else. He got out the car slamming the door. In my head I said God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change ( him) to change the things I can ( me) and the wisdom to know the difference ( I can’t help him only myself)

about 15 minutes later he came back….I don’t know if he got what he wanted but he was in a better mood.

We went to the flat, and went to bed. Before we went to sleep he asked what time I was leaving in the morning. About 9:30 well I will have to get up early and do some grafting ( robbing) so I can score if you won’t help me. You do what you have to do. I can’t give you what I haven’t got.

He left early but did make me a brew before he left! I went to work and he called me, babe please I am really ill please help me….

K I cant I cant afford it,

i have been out all morning but can’t get anything I need you to help me….

look you addiction is your business I can’t help you it’s not my job to help you…I was pulling on everything I had read and heard in meetings……I was still scared of him after his outburst the day before, if you want to use that’s fine I can’t stop that but I can choose not to pay for it, I can’t control you or your addiction but I can control what I do….phew I had said it, I felt good but bad at the same time, this was a huge risk if he was only with me for my money this would be the proof… I could loose him for ever….I have to go I say and hang up.

i went to work and  in between jobs I read my SESH book, I came across a page, I opened the book at random….

image

It was a light switch moment… later in the day I phone my sponsor and asked if I could come back and start the steps again Yes of course! I felt so elated! I felt as though once again my HP had shown me the way I was thinking I had at last seen the light…it was making sense! I had done the right thing and my HP had guided me to this reading, to prove it!

I went home after I had finished work, happy my happiness was a little bit tinged with the sadness that he hadn’t called me since I said I couldn’t help. But wasnt really surprised. But after his out bust and how scared I had felt thought I was better off with out that sort of abuse in my life. If that had happened to a friend I would have told them to get out and quick!

When I got in I unpacked the car, and settled down, I went to get my iPad from where I left it and it wasn’t there. I looked around in place it should have been but Couldn’t find it. I was dumbfounded is probably the best word for it. The abuse I had endured the day before? He had taken it and knew he had it all the time? But still thought it was ok to make me feel scared for my safety!!! To shout at me to call me names and be generally abusive and threatening, when he knew he had my iPad in the car all the time! How dare he he had gone too far this time, to steal from me after all the kindness I had shown him, the unconditional love I had given him, and he thought it was alright to steal from me? No this time I would not let it go…he had stolen my phone but because I was still so in love with him and wanted him back I ignored it….I did  something I have never done in my life before that went against everything I actualy believe in but felt this time I had no choice…. I phoned the police and reported it.

Finding it hard and emotional 😢😢

The last 48 hours have been hard…several unanswered phone calls and txt. In the end I conceded and txt him back. I said please stop. I can’t have you asking me for money all the time, you can’t expect me to help you, I care for you and feel sorry for your situation but if I continually give you money you will never have to get out of addiction. I can’t live with that on my conscience . ( release with love)
If I am honest the only way I can refuse him is if I don’t speak to him. If I do I am always talked round, and what’s more part of me still wants to believe what he says even though I know it’s rubbish. God I hate addiction, I hate what he becomes. I wish….I don’t know what I wish! I suppose I still wish he would call me and not ask for money, but I don’t suppose I would be happy with that cos I would be waiting for the ask!
I hate the thought of him now homeless ( if that part’s true) cold no food staying at friends…not even friends other addicts probably, this is what I struggle with, I am not one to see people suffering. 2 rescue dogs and a rescue cat. And now a crack/heroin addict! I know it’s not my job to save him only he can do that, but I don’t want to think of him suffering. I don’t suppose he is giving me one thought. This is the effects that addiction has on those that know addicts….constantly wondering what has happened to them, wanting to help but knowing we can’t in the way they want. When there was a chance he was dead I was hopeful that this was the end, I would no longer have to wonder about what had happened to him. Have closure and move on. But this this is worse, being constantly living in limbo, waiting for the next call. Block the number! Done it, he gets a new number. When he finished with me last year I found it hard to accept. Unfinished business. But after our last encounter I was finished with it. I had fallen out of love for him. So now what? Wait for him to call again on a different number, to play a game of wills again. It seems so unfair how long will it go on?
I didnt think it would be like this, even if I don’t give in to him he gives it a few days and tries again….I ask myself why I was chosen for this. 3 years ago I didn’t know about addiction like this, I didn’t understand the impact it had on the loved ones of addicts, I didn’t know about 12 steps Higher Powers, I didn’t know about methadone, I had heard of it but just thought of it as a substitute, didn’t know that it too was addictive, I didn’t know that someone you loved could go to such horrible lengths to get money from you, would lie would tell you anything to get another £20. I didn’t know or had heard about co-dependency , that my love for him would be so deep and intense I would do anything to keep him, that he needed my money so much he would lie to keep me on side. That once you thought it was over it was only the beginning….

That time of year.

I don’t really feel like giving you an update at the moment. It’s seems a bit self indulgent talking about my past, when so many are struggling With the present. I am feeling pretty mixed up at the moment. A bit disempowered. I should be happy. But I am possibly going to take a huge risk, it shouldn’t be difficult should it? Having the man I love back in my life, but right now the enormity of that choice is very difficult to deal with. I am struggling with whether its  because I want my man back the sober man, which I do, but whether I can be strong enough in so many different ways for it to be safe for us both. Am I strong enough to trust him when he is not with me? If he is to find his own way in his life will I hold him back? If he chooses to use again will I be strong enough not to enable that choice and walk away again? The reason I walked away last time was  because we weren’t together together, and because of my recovery could see how destructive his behaviour in addiction was on my mental health and well being. I had achieved serenity, and didn’t want that to be taken away again. I had found myself again. Was starting to live again after wanting to die, and now, I could have the very thing I wanted all the way through my journey. And I so desperatly want it, but I am scared of relapse, his then mine. When I started this blog I thought I would tell you my story as it had happened, and that is still my intention, but sometimes I have to deal with the here and now. Today is one of those days. I didn’t fall in love with an addict, well no that’s not strictly true, I fell in love with an addict in recovery. I had no idea what that meant, leant the hard way but still loved the man in recovery, still do. He is so close to being that man again, and I am so close to having him back, I should be happy and part of me is, but we will both have to work so hard for this to work. Trust is a difficult thing to get back when it has been stolen from you by another’s behaviour. But baby steps I guess, let my higher power guide me. They tell us to release with love, but surely there are couples out there that achieve a happy balance? Living with addiction even in recovery is so hard. I still have so much to learn, I ask my HP to guide me through this and help me find the right way.