So here I am again! This Christmas was probably the best I have had in at least 4 years…maybe more. But of course the last 4 were taken up in the centre of addiction. Don’t look back only look forward don’t project or hover over a future that hasn’t come yet are phrases you hear in the fellowship phrases that have a lot of bearing when you live in addiction/with addiction wise words but hard to actually live up to when you’re in it. I don’t mind looking back – it’s useful to reflect. I like to look back not in the what could I have done differently way of looking back because that achieves nothing no one can erase the past or change it, but you can and do learn from it. I’m not even going to remind myself of what I did in the last 4 years at Christmas – I know! I know things that I won’t even put in this blog. Bad shit that happened but it’s in the past. I was powerless over the addict! In every sense. His choices were just that. My choices were just that. So this year mentally I was at a much better place. No expectations I didn’t measure up or down on anyone or anything. It happened. I limited myself on the drink and food I didn’t binge which I have done in the past. For comfort! It’s been a sad year on the celebrity front lost a good number of people this year, every night over Christmas we seemed to loose another. 4 in the space of 24 hours, although Ricky Harris didn’t make the news on the TV. Or at least not on the news I saw. Anyway end of year reflections
I came to believe that I was never going to change the addict. In fact more than that it was not my place to even try. I found the power maybe from my HP -( which someone once told me was myself and I doubted it but maybe he is right) to let go let god and release with love. Words and mantras that are easy to say but not so easy to put into practice. I saw yet again the the addict was not ready to change. That he was prepared after going thro the pain of coming off the drugs to start it all over again even tho he knew he was killing himself time and time again. That he hadn’t as yet made the decision to say enough is enough. But more importantly no matter what I did it wasn’t going to change anything. The only thing I could change was me. I know 1 year ago 2 years ago I said this but it was words this year I did it. I haven’t lost faith that it’s possible I know it’s possible I follow a fellow blogger seen how he has changed his life around he’s not a kid either but a grown man. But for my own sanity I jumped of the merry go round. Maybe I reached my rock bottom? Maybe I came to realise that I needed something more that I couldn’t be pulled into the downward spiral of someone else’s addiction yet again. Maybe I just realised just how hurtful it was to me and those around me? Nah what it was was I believed. I believed that I was powerless that my HP gave me the strength to say know what? You go ahead and do what you want, but don’t expect me to be part of it, one day you will find the way, but my hurt has to stop and only I can control that.
So on that little reflection and in knowing everyday I am getting stronger and better I wish you all well. I hope your festivities were with out drama. And that you live in serenity and hope
Not posted for a long time….again! Not keen on this time of year the last 4 haven’t been brilliant. Don’t we just build it up to be this and that and then feel let down disappointed that it isn’t what we want. Interestingly my last 2 long term relationships the other half didn’t do Christmas! One was just too tight the other had ligitimate reason well 2 no actually 3 if you include the addiction. So here I am again free of the addict. I don’t suppose I will be ever be free as such until I hear he’s gone to a better place free of that eastern temptress that has his mind body and soul! I suppose I haven’t really thought about him in any depth for a while. I have been away – a week in the sun and I don’t think he has really been in my mind at all. So why now? Today I had a lovely visit from a friend she knew what I have been through and asked how I was – really was. And I guess that’s why I am writing this to put it behind me for the holidays! 😶 am I in a better place than a year ago? Of course. I’m I in a better place than even 3 months ago yes. I don’t know if you ever get over being with an addict. If someone passes then you have to deal with the grief. I’m sure that brings a whole load of different emotions hurts and what ifs. The codependent probably goes into over drive and blames them selves – something K did over the passing of his on/off girlfriend ( the 1 before me) he blamed himself for her dying of an embolism but she was bi polar and an alcoholic and drug user ( the last from his instigation) but she died because of a organic problem not an overdose or too much drink. Both of those contributed to her death but he was in prison on a 7 stretch so hardly his fault. But I get it – I’m sure if, when it happens and IF I ever find out I will ask my self if I could have done anything different. I couldn’t of course which is why with the support of my fellowship learnt there was a better way to live, I didn’t need to ‘save the world’ be the fixer.
It was so lovely to hear the words it feels like the old Karen is back today. Thank you S it meant a lot to hear that. I am back. I have to make amends to many…only if it won’t cause more harm, that’s not a get out cause, that’s me being honest and practical some won’t want me to. Have already said as such. That ok I have hurt many in the last 4 years. I don’t expect their forgiveness. However I do forgive myself. I didn’t understand 4 years ago the power of codependency I didn’t know i was sick and even tho I knew I overlooked friends for relationships I had always been lucky enough to hold on to those that understood better than me. So here we are a few days from what in the western Christian world is the big event…tho how many understand that I don’t know, the whole celebration of the birth of Christ has been taken over by commerciality the I want this I want that the disappointment for not getting the same as your friends in school as feeling inferior too many children feeling let down ashamed because maybe all they got was a new pair of shoes or something they needed not wanted and others in class got a new iPhone of iPad maybe they got nothing but a hot meal when normally they eat cereal for tea, single mums or dads feeling they have failed coz they are in a hostel escaping a brutal ex partner and can’t give their child something better. Young teenage kids on the streets out of a ‘care’ system that no longer can help them. No this time of year isn’t always kind. So when you are opening those presents eating your Christmas dinner and forcing yourself to have just one more potatoe enjoy it of course but give a minutes thought for those that can’t or won’t have anything this time of year. Even have some compassion for the addicts out there that might have robbed someone or something for their fix, as they need your compassion ( maybe not forgiveness) too. They know what they do is wrong they know people think they are the lowest of the low and don’t think of themselves much higher. But addiction is a disease there is no cure – only abstinence. So dear reader I get this out here now before the full on festivities start. Put away so I’m not thinking about it. I thank my HP that I am free ( ish) of the hurt addiction brings. I hope that who ever is reading this also is free to enjoy this time of year and with people that cares about them.