Things in life don’t always go as we want planned or even think! Life serves something up and we deal with it as best we can. Sometimes it’s expected sometimes it’s out of the blue, sometimes we have to face disappointments, sometimes we have to take life on life’s terms. Sometimes people do things you don’t like. Sometimes people do the best they can to get by given the circumstances. Sometimes your gut reaction is right sometimes it’s wrong ( mine is rarely wrong). Things are sent to try you, things are sent to make you happy, things are sent to confuse or test you. Living in recovery is a maze of what ifs? should i’s? shouldn’t I? Living in recovery you are tested every single day every hour every minute. Consequences from my actions consequences from others actions it’s always in the for front of my mind. If I say that how will it be perceived? If I do that how will it be perceived? Is that being co-dependent? Is that just being nice and human? What will happen if I do this? If I don’t do that what are the consequences and what will the impact be for me for the other person? 

These as the questions you ask your self when you try to get out of co-dependency but are still involved with the addict in your life. 

I have made some hard choices, not to enable one of them. I know I am still very much still in the co-de mind set because I still feel guilt for not helping out more. I am seeing the consequences of not enabling and I don’t like it. I don’t like the choices that he has made because I am working on me. I feel guilt for not helping him more and today saw the consequences of my not enabling. Ok no that’s not true, I saw the consequences for the choices he has made because I haven’t enabled him. And that leads to guilt if I am honest. Part of me knows it matters not if I provide money for drugs or not he will always be an addict. He repeats the same behaviours over and over. When I enabled him financially he stayed out of trouble with law for nearly 2 years. When ever I stop paying for his drugs it doesn’t stop him from using he just finds other ways to get the money he needs. He then ends up in jail. I don’t need to feel guilty about that of course but that’s the madness of co-dependency and addiction because I do feel guilty. Misconstrued feelings of responsibility guilt and it’s somehow my fault. Don’t get me wrong I know it’s not my fault if another gets into trouble through their own choices – but I don’t know if you are living in addiction you actually have choices. 

Let’s just look at what happens when you go to prison for some drug related crime….heroin related crime….you can do your rattle but will be offered subies spice even the real thing for a price, you can get a script after a couple of days (methadone) which for most addicts is worse to get off  than heroin. But if you choose that root but misbehave it’s withdrawn. So have to rattle off that no support no mental health services in a jail full of druggies offering you God knows what trying your best to be clean and off it all when you get out. But after being on it for so long you can’t cope with all the feelings and thoughts you start to feel, you get released no money for a month ( if you are on sick benefit) have to fill out all these forms again when your literacy levels aren’t too good have to wait 4 days before you get a food hand out, no money no food too many feelings emotionally to cope with no services to support you apart from probation that you have to get too, or you will be recalled but because of cuts you have to somehow get 20 miles away to an appointment, so when you have no one to help you you’re  mentally struggling you have less than a handful of people that you can call on because the only people you know are drug users or sellers you desperately want to stay clean but can’t cope with all the feelings and emotions physically you know you can’t go back to drugs and put your body through this again but mentally you just need some peace….and there you are back in the cycle stealing for a couple of bags just so you can get a bit of sleep and before you know it are back in active addiction and doing what you have to get the next bag. 

So knowing all that If I have slipped him the odd tenner don’t sit in judgement. When you have walked my path or his  then you can. However his actions create his own consequences as do my own. I am mindful not to send mixed messages I always say and explain my reasons. I buy food and burn for him but try to avoid giving him hard cash. It’s a tightrope like I said in my last post 😔 but yet again I have slipped back into talking about him! Oops that wasn’t meant to happen! But my journey is intrinsically linked into his. 

Thanks for reading 

Hope X  


Small little steps = big mind change

So I said I was going to look at me, and I am. At last I am putting into practice the tools I have been learning about. I really am detaching with love. I care of course but if I call and he doesn’t pick up I no longer go into panic mode. That’s cool! For me that’s bloody incredible 😀 his phone is switched off I don’t automatically assume he’s been arrested. He has a life what he does when he’s not with me is not my concern ( as long as it doesn’t impact on me)  – if my phone is off and I don’t answer he doesn’t get into a huge strop and assume the worse and if I am to get better I must do the same. Am doing the same. I know he’s not well. I know he’s using. I know he is probably involved in petty crime to fund it all, his choice. But and I know it probably sounds a very small thing rather than make it my business I am letting him do what he wants without getting involved, telling him not to, getting upset. I have to bite my tongue at times, I have to think very carefully about what I can or should ask him. He’s very private like I say, he’s also ashamed for what he’s done regarding his drug use, I have no right on making him feel worse. I might not like it, ( does he?? Of course not!) so me having cheap jibes only make him feel more worthless than he already does. I know I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about him! But I think it’s important for me to be clear. When you live with an addict it is a tightrope walk, getting out of co-dependency is hard, that line between caring and controlling. I can love the person but hate the addict. If I am with someone I am genuinely interested in what they have been doing, its normal to ask how’s your day been? What you been up to? Isn’t it? But that can be seen as interfering, nosey….why do you always think I have been up to something? I don’t I am just asking how your day has been …(guilty conscious??) so yes it’s a tightrope walk. Well my day has been long and have another early start tomorrow so signing off and going to bed. 

Keeping it real 

As said previously I  am trying very hard to keep the blog’s focus on me..yep what brought me here was the pain of living with another’s addiction…over the last 4 years I have also come to realise I became a co-dependant an enabler and addicted to places people and things. I was hurting really hurting I had been betrayed I had given everything emotionally and financially and had been pissed on from a great height, I had every reason to feel angry and upset when I was in that mind set! So as I know another’s behaviour will impact on me I am trying to move the focus from him and on to me. Sometimes I will still refer to him of course he is what has brought me to this place brought me into co-dependency and enabling but this blog hurts him he is very private ( of course he’s an addict with all the feelings that brings the shame the pain but also I have to think about how I would feel if someone was writing about my every move!!!) so reader I am shifting gear…shifting focus I have been trying but honestly I probably only write when something he does triggers a reaction in me. So here we are…my journey out of co-dependency . My ‘partner’ /’boyfriend’ is a drug addict my blog did focus on all the pain that caused me when I was in co-dependency but now I am looking forward and will talk about my journey into and keeping my serenity. I didn’t realise there was another way to live, to live with another’s addiction, but whilst I have started my recovery I have come to realise there is another way. It’s not easy sorting out and separating helping and enabling, supporting and co-dependency, being and doing. But when you live with addiction that is actual what you have to do. So dear reader lets go back to the start of my recovery you know what and why I am here. Read or know the drama I went through, let’s celebrate the fact I am now able to talk about my recovery…. 

Walking the walk! 

No matter what brings you to the rooms what your addiction there has to come a point when you stop talking the talk and actually walk the walk! You will be pleased to read today I have. Negative behaviours from another that impact on me are no good. At the weekend I could see how his drug of choice has reclaimed him again. It’s hard to watch and even harder to bring up in conversation, but brought up it had to be 😔 of course I was promised the moon on a stick if I could just do this or that and how he was going to go to drugs services today go back on the script, something I know he hates being on more than drugs, so went with it, but I was also very clear as to what I would do if he didn’t follow his plan. That I understand how the drug works but the behaviour that was starting to show its self ( both mine and his) was not the road I wanted to go down. I feel extremely irritated by his use of drugs his constant requests for money the constant lies I have heard too many times before to even start to believe them any more, but I did believe that he would go to drugs services because I do believe he doesn’t want to be a slave to this drug. At on point he said how do you think I have been paying for it? Stealing?? Was my answer, yes he said because I don’t want to ask you…fair point thank you, but I could get recalled if I get caught, yes you could but who’s put you there? I saw his face the disappointment when i didn’t say you must not steal to feed your habit – I didn’t jump in to rescue him. So today after a fairly good weekend that wasn’t filled with too much drama we headed back to Macc via me working in Manchester on the way. One of the things I had said to him was this. I know for you to stop using you have to heal yourself get to the rotten root that makes you feel you can’t cope with life. You have to get spiritually well, I am on that road to recovery so believe me when I say, you can do what ever you want to do, but I will not go back to how it was before you went to jail, I will not enable you I will not give you money. When I do I feel bad about myself feel stupid feel fake, so to keep my serenity I know I have to remove myself from the drama and the chaos. It hurts me your behaviour hurts me. I hurt myself when I don’t follow my programme. But I don’t suppose he listened or if he did heard, why should he when I have never really stuck by it, a few days later giving in to him to his requests as I always have in the past. Can I borrow your phone he asked as I was driving, yeah sure…apparently some guy owed him some H only had 1 when he wanted 2 so he wanted to get it….well as long as it wasn’t going to impact on me, there wasn’t much I could say. So he said he needed to go and see this fella and would jump the train, he was ill he couldn’t be sitting in the car for 2 hours waiting for me, he’d be back on the script tomorrow blah blah blah….I said do what you want BUT I haven’t got time to be waiting on you I have a personal appointment that I need to get home for, so when I am finished you better be ready. ( could already feel my nerves rattling and stress building up ) so I dropped him at the station and went to do my job. When it was finished I called him, no answer…called again no answer, txt him you better  pick up or I am going home not hanging around for you….called again picked up! Getting on the train now, ok you better be as I am not hanging around if your not here by 12 I am going. Drove to the station as checked the times of the trains. One had just come in the next one got in just before 12.. Unsurprisingly he wasn’t on either of them. So I txt him because of course now he wouldn’t answer! I gave him time to get from the station to where I was parked but because of my appointment couldn’t wait any longer. This is my txt 😔

Sorry that train has come in so if u weren’t on it too bad u should have said u wasn’t or at least picked up the call. Will drop you stuff off sometime can’t tomorrow maybe Wednesday – your on your own now told u I didn’t want to go back to this way of life sorry – u can lie to yourself but not to me I love u but not the chaos u bring to my life. If u genuinely want to stop get yourself sorted and call me X

When I read it I can see just how stressed I had become in such a short space of time all my negative behaviours showing them selves right there! You do this or I will do that! That’s no way to live to behave, to be!

Yes I have walked away before but that was through arguments etc, this is because I want to keep my serenity I can’t go back I can’t live a lie, I feel bad of course his feet really are bad has no money and is stuck in the one place I really don’t want him to be, because I know where he will probably head 😢 he will blame me it will be my fault I left him there with no money and no transport, but you see it’s not my fault, it’s his choice of behaviour ( not the drugs yes he relapsed but that’s the way the drug works) he choose to jump the train to get there, he knew I had an appointment to get back home for, granted he probably didn’t think I would walk away, but this time I had to, talking the talk is one thing living it and doing it is a lot harder but if I don’t put it into practice now then nothing will change.

Peace out in Hope X

Sharing and identifying 

When I read others blogs i often find myself identifying with their posts especially those that are on the receiving end of addiction. As with the rooms I don’t feel so alone in a confusing world that sometimes gives us contradictory messages. I have tried out of respect for the addict in my life to keep the focus on me in my last few posts. 1 because I know it upsets him that I talk to the world about his struggles  2 because it’s only right I should focus on me but sometimes certain behaviours will mean I have to mention him because it’s how I deal with it or am learning to deal with them.

In fear of repeating myself ( maybe I am just reaffirming my thoughts here) the last couple of weeks have been hard to deal with. I have been blessed to learn and recognise what I find acceptable and what I don’t what I can make comment on and what doesn’t have my name on it so need to keep my nose out. It’s hard and sometimes the boundaries get blurred. Take his relapse. I know he has relapsed, it is disappointing for me but not unexpected. I don’t know for certain what he is using but he has told me he has relapsed so I assume he’s  back on the heroin. This then throws up a dilemma for me. I have said since he came out of prison that I would not support him financially. I have given him the odd tenner he never asks for £10 maybe 5 or even 3 so he can get some food but I knew it wasn’t for food. He has poorly legs and feet from running around doing what he does to get drugs and his refusal to stay in bed for a couple of days meant they got worse. Now he is on antibiotics with possible blood poisoning but still the call is too strong. He is a hopeless case. I hope though that I am not. I will see him this weekend and will see just what state of mind and body he is in, but I can’t and won’t go back to giving him money for drugs (or now  I know he’s using for anything else). It’s not emotional blackmail when he says I  am the only one that hasn’t given up on him. It does make it difficult to walk away because I am not giving up on him, but have to put my own sanity first. I don’t want to know about his dramas ( self created). I don’t want to contribute to his death. I hope beyond hope he’s not too far gone this time as to him not being able to understand what I have to say. To understand I am not giving up on him but don’t want his chaos. I can’t go back to enabling him, doing things for him he could do himself. I don’t want to any more. That is the difference. I know how damaging that is, doing instead of being. He has to understand that this time I have learnt that I can identify negative behaviours that hurt me and hurt him. Both from me but also from him. Before I understood about co-dependency I thought I was doing things out of love, and I was but then it became controlling. This is where the boundaries get blurred and contradiction  kicks in. If you love someone you genuinely want to keep them safe so try to stop the behaviour that you know is killing them, like you would try to stop someone jumping off a bridge right? But with addiction you can’t do that. I can’t do that, it has to come from him. How many times have we had screaming rows over £20? Because I was trying to stop him – I was skint too but even so I never just handed it over at the start  ending up wasted so much energy just to back down and give in to his demands. Today he openly asked for money. Today I didn’t even try to say no I just said I will see what I can do. Why? Because I couldn’t be bothered getting into a state before work, I needed to keep my serenity, and it’s no good saying just hang up the phone or blocking his number he uses someone else’s phone. Once I have seen him at the weekend if he’s in as deep as I think then I will walk away. He knows my views and  I know it was wrong giving in to him. Mixed messages and all that, but he was at least respectful. So don’t feel badly towards me. I am doing this in my own way. Trust I will not go back down that road of co-dependency I don’t want him to want me at any price any more. And I don’t want him at any price. This time I have the tools and am putting them into practice.

In hope xx

So much to celebrate! 

At the weekend I went to the NA ( London) convention…I was so blessed to be able to attend 😊 being in a building just bursting with recovery was so up lifting – I was going to say that experiencing so much positivity must be an incentive for any using addict to stop, but then I’m not an addict ( of drugs) so can’t really make that judgement call. One of the speakers came over from the US Gladys D! What a woman. She got it, I just wanted to absorb every word she said and make K listen to her, but of course he hasn’t even asked how I got on. And I am mindful not  to bring up recovery with him as he then thinks I am having a dig or a go at him, so best keep it to myself and know from first hand experience if you want it bad enough you will succeed. Gladys’s share was awesome for many reasons, she had heard it all before experienced it all before had been running around on drugs from a late age in her opinion (17) a late starter, but at 62 she had heard and used every excuse going. She came out with them one by one, blaming this blaming that woe is me its not my fault I has beaten as a kid my dad died my mum died I lost my partner on and on and on, the same excuses I have heard and hear again and again, as will you if you have  anything to do with addiction. She had stopped – abstained from using drugs went to groups but relapsed again and again because she didn’t work the programme and didn’t fix herself spiritually and until she did 14 years ago she kept going back to drugs. Not the heroin so she hadn’t relapsed really! Ha ha living that dream right now! Prescription drugs drink that’s not H so she hadn’t relapsed! How I identified with so much she said not from my experience you know I don’t do that shit, but from K ‘being clean’. Anyway she was entertaining funny and I think a must for anyone to listen to if they are starting out on recovery. What she managed to do in the nicest way was say stop making your excuses if you want recovery – only you can do it but you HAVE to go down the spiritual path, abstenence is one thing – living in recovery is something very different. So my readers if u are in recovery and not just abstenence you have my love and best wishes. For me? I am also fighting with my recovery, I am learning much and have had to put into practice tools and a way of life I am still grappling with. I have backed down a couple of times but am fighting and standing strong. I am clear of what I find acceptable and what I find unacceptable. Living with another’s addiction is hard but I have to keep the focus on me. I haven’t seen K in nearly 2 weeks, apart from a brief meeting last week, which didn’t work. I don’t like a lot of his behaviours and a dare say he feels he same about me and my new way of living. I am grateful that I have had this opportunity to grow as a person, to find out that if I don’t like something I don’t have to put up with it. Gladys said she has been alone by herself for many years, but is happy with that. I am learning slowly that I would rather be alone than in a situation that hurts me mentally and spiritually. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about him it means I care for my self more. I said a few weeks ago this was a slow journey for me as with my programme it’s at my own pace in my own way. I know many of you would like to see me by myself with out the hurt I go through. I am working on it. Of course ever hopeful that he will get better or at least find a way to find peace in his troubled mind. I am doubtful that I will see that so have to find a way to be happy – I know what I don’t like and what I don’t want to go through and that is something I didn’t know 2 years ago even 6 months ago. So let’s celebrate my achievements how ever small and for every day an addict stays off the drugs and in recovery and make every day a celebration.

 In fellowship X 

Progress not perfection how ever slow that may be 

Ok here’s the thing…K is a addict will always be an addict whether in active addiction or recovery. I am not a drug addict. I don’t really understand how he justifies using one substance over another. Crack over Heroin prescription drugs over Crack weed over prescription drugs???…. But really that’s not the issue. What he uses is ultimately his choice. I have no control over it. I can only control my own choices. My choice right now is I will not be disrespected I will not go back to how it was before he went to prison. Let’s not forget why he ended up there, stealing my car and phone then going on the run from the police ultimately ended up with him  getting arrested for attempted burglary. 

I feel sorry for him he’s lost he’s a little boy that was abused as a child and has been covering that pain with various substances ever since. And now for the few hours he did without the cover he couldn’t cope with the pain and hurt he has hidden for over 30 years. How do you walk away from that? That is my problem. It’s not that I am walking away from tho’. It’s the other K the one that uses and abuses me that is the K I can’t be with. Yesterday was horrible the constant calls until I capitulated and gave him the money he so desperately wanted. The old behaviours coming back – it didn’t take long but at least I was ready for them recognised them. Then when I arrived at his with food and belongings expecting to stay for the next couple of days and was met with no warmth it was too much of a bother for him to help me with getting things from the car all he wanted to know was what had I brought him? as I sat there after we had eaten and saw how my lovely little dog was in her bed how unhappy she looked how I couldn’t make any comment without him getting aggressive or accusing me of this that and the other calling me paranoid I got my things and left. 

He still has things at mine, I will drop them off at some point when I have the time but the sooner the better, it’s just I can’t be bothered to pack it up right now. I have things I want and need to do, places to go this weekend. Next week I am not in the area but hopefully the week after. He’s sick and it’s wrong in my mind to leave someone that’s sick, but I can’t take the abuse no more. The drug use I can handle if it’s done out of sight, away from me, I don’t really care that much if I am around, but the consequences and the behaviours it creates in both of us isn’t healthy. The cycle needs to be broken but it seems I have to break it as he’s not capable. 

The one thing I would really like is for him and for me would to see him free of his demons and genuinely want to be with me even if I was on my ass financially. I don’t just mean  I be a bit skint this week but no work nothing on benefits skint and still want to be with me…I hope that won’t  happen for a few years yet. Yet ever time he asks for ‘help’ and if we stayed together asked for ‘help’ I feel more and more used. I felt used before of course. The niceness the lovely words the caring nature all for a pay out, then nothing til the next time he needed to use. 

I know I deserve better. Like I said yesterday too much has happened between the 2 of us I think to ever resolve this. I am sad because when he’s well and happy we get on. He managed for a couple of days to convince me he wanted to be with me was kind and nice affectionate but it soon dwindled, maybe that’s the drugs taking over  again? I know I am fighting a loosing battle as is he. I don’t think he will find peace until he is dead. Maybe I won’t. Had a couple of missed calls today from an unspecified mobile number…probably him. You see in the past I have always called him the next day  or when I have got home, or txt him. This time I am leaving it. He will call again a know he will. If I pick up a call then….then is when I have to say we aren’t any good for each other we hurt each other too much. My mental health is deteriorating fast. The feelings of confusion misery desperation are closing in and that is dangerous for me, that’s when I drink too much when I feel lonely and allow him to control me by being kind and nice and telling me what I want to hear, then before I know it am back to the same old routine of making a huge drama for the sake of £20 which I will end up giving him anyway, wasting my energy on making a scene that’s been played out hundreds of times before with the same result! Him getting his way me exhausted upset stressed and twenty quid the lighter, me going without the things I need not want just to get him off my back! Am I bothered he uses drugs? Yes and no I am bothered that he’s killing himself of course, but that is his choice like I have said – right now it’s his way of self medicating, what bothers me more is how I am pulled into a situation I want no part of. So I somehow have to put a stop to it. I am asking my HP to help me find the strength. I am off to the NA convention in London at the weekend but part of me is scared, scared I will see the successes make comparisons. That’s not fair is it? Everyone is on their own journey including me, relapse is part of that journey, maybe I should be happy for him that he’s not using like before celebrate his successes. But when his behaviour to me is so shitty it’s hard to celebrate much at all. I have to be grateful I have learnt some things to keep me safe, I am not perfect I never will be my progress is slow but it’s progress. 

Too much water…

Is it really only a week and one day since K’s release? I had forgotten just how time gets so distorted when you are with an addict! I tried really hard – of course – I bent my boundaries in the name of trust/love, I still believe that little boy in his head means what he says. He has told me things he has never told me before has laid himself bare nothing held back…it has been emotional he’s cried I’ve cried but still the old behaviours ( both of us) keep coming out. Me? I don’t trust him but then again he gives me no reason too, don’t think he’s been sober since he got out, has lapsed ( expected that) he has abused prescription drugs – but that apparently is better than using brown and white!?! And now today he’s smoking weed. He uses my phone and my iPad and I can see his internet history, I wasn’t spying it’s just there! Dating sites! Well ok a dating site, just the log in page, challenged him he was sorry he didn’t mean it it must have come up coz on his FB profile he’s single – yeah right what ever! He doesn’t know about what I was up to when I was still married he doesn’t know that he’s messing with someone that knows perfectly well what the score is. 3 random women have accepted his FB friends requests…who are they? Oh from rehab…well fook me they must have been top and tailing in that bloody rehab centre the amount of women  he was in rehab with! Apparently he can get any girl he wants – is that so?? Ha ha maybe but I wonder how many would stay and give what I have given? Now don’t get me wrong I am not being co-dep saying look at me aren’t i good I am stating fact! But I am not good enough for him. That’s fine coz you know what he’s not good enough for me either. We had a bit of a row the other night and I foolishly let slip I had seen someone when he was in jail. It weren’t nothing major but I liked the guy and he was the catalyst for me saying I didn’t want him to move back here, but K was pushing and pushing why he wanted to know why I changed my mind, I bit my tongue again and again until he said I don’t have to be  here  I could get any girl I wanted when I blurted out yeah? Well don’t you think I could get someone? Someone that might just respect me and not use me? Don’t you realise that’s why I didn’t want you to move  back  here coz I met someone bam!!! That shook him I know it’s not about point scoring but he got me so angry. I wish I hadn’t said it coz I really think it hurt him, but in someways it’s good for him to know I won’t take no shit this time. Of course since I said about it it has  been brought up more or less every day – again  tonight, because I brought up the dating site which I found today. No I reckon too much water has flown – trust which was fragile to start with by me can’t be repaired. For me to live a peaceful happy life I have to leave this behind. The thing is when he’s at his most vulnerable like now I get why he’s using to deaden the pain he has kept under wraps for 20+ years with the drugs. I actually believe he would like to ‘live’ with me and what I can provide and that he would like to contribute to that but do I believe he loves me? No grateful? Possibly but love nope, if a guy loves a girl he doesn’t creep around on dating sites adding random girls to his FB friends list, whilst I am bed. He says I am just as bad coz I met someone when he was in jail, but I knew this person well before K even went to jail. We just hadn’t met yet! In fact when I said who it was he remembered me talking about him last year, so I don’t know why he’s making a scene now. He’s allowed female friends but it would seem I am not allowed male friends and someone that shares a few interests at that! 

No as much as I like him I think we hurt each other too much, I am not able to forgive him for leaving me 2 years ago, I don’t trust him or his motives for being with me, and today reminded me of the awfulness of the life I lived before when he was in active  addiction the constant calls begging for money how he’s was going to give me the moon on a bloody stick if only I could help him out and when I offered to it wasnt enough….it had to be that magic £20! In some ways I am glad it’s happened now I haven’t got too emotionally attached, I actually know I don’t want to go back to it again. There is no bridge over these troubled waters. Today my HP shone bright and took me away on a little  crest of a wave to the sanity of a still lagoon. I don’t doubt there will be a few force 10’s in the next few days so send me positive vibes.( if you don’t mind) 

Here’s to my sanity and peace to you xx