4 years ago I went out had a few drinks with friends came home had an accident and bam ended up in hospital! In the week that a dear friend died apparently from what I can ascertain an accident, I am blessed that at that time I had someone looking out for me and got me to the hospital, I say am blessed but 4 years ago in the hospital I met K! Who would have thought everything that has happened since came from a chance meeting in a hospital waiting area! In 4 years I have gone from living a carefree life ( ok not totally care free but happy with my lot!) to one that was difficult at times ( to say the least!) made me into a codependent ( or at least brought it to the forefront) brought me to a fellowship Where I had to make some serious changes about what I thought about myself and the addict. And if I think about it what I thought about addiction. I have met some fantastic people on my journey, I now have a new family – not that there’s any thing wrong with my birth family, but I now have a family that have lived this too have done the steps understand with out explaination. Don’t get me wrong I know my journey has affected my family too they too will have felt the powerlessness I have when they have had to watch from the sidelines as their Daughter/sister got dragged into a situation I had no understanding of and became sicker and sicker. I am blessed tho! I am blessed because most people don’t have to do the steps in their life. I am blessed that I now do. They are hard work they make you reassess everything in your life, most people just get on with life, living the chaos living in pain not knowing they have to change. Not realising there is another way. I have seen many come and go not understanding or maybe understanding but couldn’t do it, didn’t want to do it. Yes I am blessed! So I post this tonight to remind my self on our 4th anniversary that even tho I am not with him, no cards flowers meal out, I now have something far more important – my fellowship my God as I understand this my step work and a focus on finding serenity.
Not much battery life left on phone so will leave this here! Been told some bloody awful things tonight by someone I knew a long time ago – she is disabled And had been treated in my view disgustingly. I also heard this morning that dear friend had passed over – still waiting to find out how or why but he too lived with someone in addiction we had bonded over this and spent many afternoon chatting shit about how awful it was , yes we were both co- di’s and loved the martyrdom! I did try a few times to get him to go to Al-anon but he didn’t. His addicted loved one was his mum…. Mum is still alive and he is not… Too many questions too many emotions right now but trying to get my head around it all
And that is all I want to say tonight
This is my FB status which kinda says the same thing…..
Lots of u know I have had My ‘problems’ over the last 4 years but I have my home I have an income have my dog. I have food in the house I have my bills paid and for that I will be grateful. I have a little extra money and can help others with that in the form of donations money food. My time to others I give freely my service to my fellowship I give freely I do not expect thanks or anything in return this is what I want to do in thanks for what I have from them. Sometimes people confide in me again Of which I feel humbled But sometimes just sometimes I am left feeling completely totally overwhelmed by things people tell me – powerless angry and frustrated For me because I can’t do anything and for them because they are powerless in a country that’s so poor has had so many cuts that basic human rights are stripped bare and the most vulnerable are mistreated and abused
God, help me begin to take healthy risks.
Help me let go of my fear of failure, and help me let go of my fear of success.
Help me let go of my fear of fully living my life, and help me start experiencing all parts of this journey.
The Language of letting go – Melodie Beattie
Today I am able to do things I couldn’t do even 6 months ago. Sometimes I make mistakes, but that’s ok. I do what is right for me at that moment. If it’s a mistake I can own it and learn from it, that is what my recovery is about. No more getting it right first time all the time! That isn’t learning. If my mistake hurts another then I have the the chance to make amends, not repeat that behaviour. I might make the same mistake over many times like a drug addict might relapse, we don’t mean to but sometimes we make the wrong choice we make mistakes. That is ok. I am a human being. I am not God, I am not a super being. I am not perfect! Progress not perfection can be my only aim. I might slip back in to negative harmful behaviours but if I recognise them as such instead of beating my self up about it Ican acknowledge them and strive to not repeat them again. My HP does not sit in judgement does not tell me I am right or wrong just wants me to be happy and in recovery. I am allowed to make mistakes. That feels good 😊
Often in Mental Health settings you come across situations where physical pain manifests from the inablitity to express mental pain. As I am sitting here in bed in abject pain from my jaw and gums I wonder if this is a reflection of my mental torment. It isn’t of course it because the dentist has been poking about in there and has triggered something off but in pain I am. 2 years ago K called me into his rehab setting to tell me he couldn’t stay with me as he had to focus on his recovery – bullshit of course as he didn’t stay in rehab or recovery but I can clearly remember the pain I felt back then. I felt physical and mental pain like no other I had experienced. I wanted to die! I was heart broken. But I also didn’t know that I was sick. I had started to attend Nar-anon meetings but was still very far from understanding what it meant that I had become a co-dependent and my pain was intrinsically linked to that. My focus was still on K not myself. I still didn’t understand how I had contributed to his addiction. And to some point 2 years on still am not 100% convinced that everything i did was wrong. What I do know for certain is whether I contribute money to enable him to use drugs or not will not stop him from using. What I did control to a greater or lesser degree was I stopped him from committing more crime than he did to get what he wanted or needed. So in that respect that was my reward. I kept him with me. He used that to his advantage at times when I was getting fed up of the constant daily ritual we went thro, the ‘love you don’t want me breaking the law and doing something stupid do you?’ line was used again and again as though if I didn’t give him the cash I would somehow be responsible if he went to jail. Of course now I see it was manipulation but when I was lock in to co- dependency actually believed it was my responsiblity – that’s how sick I had become.
For me my recovery comes in waves. I knew I had to change a lot of my behaviours before I was able to move on. Or at least learn how not to revert back to harmful behaviours. After speaking with my sponsor I realise that these behaviours will never go away and can be triggered at any time, but I need to learn how to control them. As with any addict. I have certain personality traits that will always be there. I am kind I am loving I am giving, all positives….but can be taken advantage of if co-dependency creeps in. Doing things for the right reasons can easily become for the wrong reasons. Helping someone out can be linked to wanting power and control of a situation that isn’t mine to control. So helping becomes enabling – that tightrope I mentioned in a post recently.
Now I am estranged from the addict in my life again I am able to reflect back to see how I have moved on. How much have I actually learnt and put into practice. I get upset when people can’t see I have moved on. Jeez if I hadn’t I would be still doling out twentys every day. Be running around after him phoning him pleading with him to take me back. Texting him how much I love him need him. But I have come full circle back to the beginning but with a new way of seeing things to the point where I have put into practice the steps I have learnt and jumped off the merry go round so I DONT repeat the same mistakes again. I can see the circle but am now a bystander. I can see HIS merry go round revolving door call it what you will, but it’s a ride I don’t want to be on and am not paying to get on it – physically mentally or emotionally. Of course I feel for him I would feel for any relapsed addict be that a friend a lover a family member. But I no longer feel I have to be part of it. It’s NOT my responsiblity.
I was asked by someone to make it implicit what I had learnt on my journey – I don’t feel the need to do that – but actually that sort of thing is difficult for me. To focus on my recovery is hard enough so maybe this post will go some where towards showing what I have achieved if it’s not obvious! 2 years ago I was thinking how I could kill my self I was beyond sick. Now I understand how I contributed to my own illness, and now how to keep myself safe. How I can let go – have let go. I have detached with love and am letting the addict make his own choices. Again I question – for the addict how he can make reasonable choices when in active addiction- but I have no input to his choices. Being a people pleaser is hard, to say no is hard, but saying yes is sometimes more hurtful and destructive.
So I wonder if this post goes some way to answering the questions that I was asked. Still being a people pleaser, by doing this so maybe I haven’t moved on that much when others opinions mean more to me – but I haven’t gone backwards or jumped on the ride again so for that I am grateful and if I have to justify myself to those I hold dear then here it is my justification and some of what I have learnt.