Shortcomings? 

Humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings 

New month so groups will be looking at Step 7.  Our shortcomings…. I’m not to sure what I want to say on this, well I do but it was something that came up in group so it’s difficult, but it triggered my thoughts around this or at least what was said triggered my thoughts

‘I like some of my shortcomings they make me who I am!’

So that got me thinking are they then shortcomings? If we have character traits that are harmless to ourselves or to others are they character defects or shortcomings? 

Whilst I understand the whole thing around enabling and allowing people to take responsibility for their own actions, to do for themselves what they can, or can’t and learn from it, helping and wanting to spread happiness – is that a shortcoming? I am blessed with some gorgous genuine kind people in my home group. They are generous in the spirit of friendship, have seen me alone and struggling and took me into their lives inviting me to do things which I wouldn’t necessarily do by myself. I don’t see that as a shortcoming and yet it was highlighted as possibly being so. Not about me personally and what these ladies had offered me, but the whole issue around wanting to make people happy. Looking after others. I suppose there is a fine line between organising someone life – caretaking and genuinely wanting other to be happy, I don’t feel as tho I am pushed into anything I don’t want to do, I am grateful for the invites I get, for being with people that understand me. When we have lived with addiction it’s easy to lose sight of who we are. Our lives focused on the addict, obsessing about what they are doing, who they are with, why they haven’t come home yet, instead of living in the moment and being grateful for having a life.  Yes I am very grateful for having my group and those that have held out the hand of friendship, so no don’t you let go of those ‘shortcomings’ that make you who you are, kindness is not a weakness, wanting others to be happy is a genuine concern for the welfare of others – their spiritual wellbeing, those things are not shortcomings they are beautiful character traits, especially if they are done selflessly. 

 

People pleasing and recovery. 

Often in Mental Health settings you come across situations where physical pain manifests from the inablitity to express mental pain. As I am sitting here in bed in abject pain from my jaw and gums I wonder if this is a reflection of my mental torment. It isn’t of course it because the dentist has been poking about in there and has triggered something off but in pain I am. 2 years ago K called me into his rehab setting to tell me he couldn’t stay with me as he had to focus on his recovery – bullshit of course as he didn’t stay in rehab or recovery but I can clearly remember the pain I felt back then. I felt physical and mental pain like no other I had experienced. I wanted to die! I was heart broken. But I also didn’t know that I was sick. I had started to attend Nar-anon meetings but was still very far from understanding what it meant that I had become a co-dependent and my pain was intrinsically linked to that. My focus was still on K not myself. I still didn’t understand how I had contributed to his addiction. And to some point 2 years on still am not 100% convinced that everything i did was wrong. What I do know for certain is whether I contribute money to enable him to use drugs or not will not stop him from using. What I did control to a greater or lesser degree was I stopped him from committing  more crime than he did to get what he wanted or needed. So in that respect that was my reward. I kept him with me. He used that to his advantage at times when I was getting fed up of the constant daily ritual  we went thro, the ‘love you don’t want me breaking the law and doing something stupid do you?’ line was used again and again as though if I didn’t give him the cash I would somehow be responsible if he went to jail. Of course now I see it was manipulation but when I was lock in to co- dependency actually believed it was my responsiblity – that’s how sick I had become. 

For me my recovery comes in waves. I knew I had to change a lot of my behaviours before I was able to move on. Or at least learn how not to revert back to harmful behaviours. After speaking with my sponsor I realise that these behaviours will never go away and can be triggered at any time, but I need to learn how to control them. As with any addict. I have certain personality traits that will always be there. I am kind I am loving I am giving, all positives….but can be taken advantage of if co-dependency creeps in.  Doing things for the right reasons can easily become for the wrong reasons. Helping someone out can be linked to wanting power and control of a situation that isn’t mine to control. So helping becomes enabling – that tightrope I mentioned in a post recently. 

Now I am estranged from the addict in my life again I am able to reflect back to see how I have moved on. How much have I actually learnt and put into practice. I get upset when people can’t see I have moved on. Jeez if I hadn’t I would be still doling out twentys every day. Be running around after him phoning him pleading with him to take me back. Texting him how much I love him need him. But I have come full circle back to the beginning but with a new way of seeing things to the point where I have put into practice the steps I have learnt and jumped off the merry go round so I DONT repeat the same mistakes again. I can see the circle but am now a bystander. I can see HIS merry go round revolving door call it what you will, but it’s a ride I don’t want to be on and am not paying to get on it – physically mentally or emotionally. Of course I feel for him I would feel for any relapsed addict be that a friend a lover a family member. But I no longer feel I have to be part of it. It’s NOT my responsiblity. 

I was asked by someone to make it implicit what I had learnt on my journey – I don’t feel the need to do that – but actually that sort of thing is difficult for me. To focus on my recovery is hard enough so maybe this post will go some where towards showing what I have achieved if it’s not obvious! 2 years ago I was thinking how I could kill my self I was beyond sick. Now I understand how I contributed to my own illness, and now how to keep myself safe.  How I can let go – have let go. I have detached with love and am letting the addict make his own choices. Again I question – for the addict how he can make reasonable choices when in active addiction- but I have no input to his choices. Being a people pleaser is hard, to say no is hard, but saying yes is sometimes more hurtful and destructive. 

So I wonder if this post goes some way to answering the questions that I was asked. Still being a people pleaser, by doing this so maybe I haven’t moved on that much when others opinions mean more to me – but I haven’t gone backwards or jumped on the ride again so for that I am grateful and if I have to justify myself to those I hold dear then here it is my justification and some of what I have learnt. 

Truth or manipulation? 

Today I came home to a letter from K. I knew he had written it of course he told me he had. It was in response to my letter the one that said I will support you and care for you but I don’t want to be your landlady mate friend I want to be with you in a relationship and I want you clean. If you can’t or don’t want that then we can go no further. His response went along the lines needed to decide what I wanted to do, that if I didn’t want to be with him needed to say so so he could talk to the resettlement officer. That he couldn’t be the image that I had of him in my head???

All I would like is for him to love me for me, to want to be with me, not for my money, my home, to want to be with me for me.

I have an image in my head  in fact it’s not a good one but he probably doesn’t know that. The image I have is of an addict, that has used me over and over,  has manipulated me had made me believe he loves me and used that to his advantage. But I still hang onto the fact we met when he wasn’t using we had fun we were a couple and loved up at that! Even when he was using he still treated me with love and respect for a while! Of course as he pushed what was acceptable and manipulated my love for him his respect diminished I never said no I enabled his habit made it easy gave him money fed him loved him he wanted for very little. The more I gave the closeness between us diminished, so I gave more hoping he would love me again….codependency at its best!

I will get answers at the weekend maybe. Of course he’s trying to get off the methadone right now so he’s clean when he comes out he’s got 11 weeks and 11 mls to get off. Unless u have been on methadone you won’t understand how hard and painful that is. He is ill he feels like shit and I totally understand when he says he can’t deal with my feelings right now. But there’s never a good time when he’s coming off methadone,  but equally there’s no point in him getting out without me voicing my worries now and it not working when he does gets out because 1 he had no  idea of my thoughts and feelings or 2 that if I didn’t say anything and we argued because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. With the chance of recall to prison if the police got involved 😔 ( which has happened when we fall out!)

Maybe I am too wrapped up in my own wants to see what he is doing or needs? Maybe I am basing my mistrust on the way he has treated me in the past maybe I have seen him come out of jail and the first thing he want to do is score and if he is addressed at mine he has me prisoner again if that is what he does when he gets out this time – well my alternative is call the police and he’s recalled for 17 months…is that what he’s thinking is he gambolling that I won’t call the police if he relapses? To be fair I am not sure he is, he is saying if I don’t want him here to stay here to say  so, so he can find somewhere else, he doesn’t want to go back to jail he says he wants to be with me….but for the right reasons??? Sorry reader I am just putting down my thoughts as they are in my head at the moment so I can read them back tomorrow and try to make some sense of it all before my next visit! Thanks for reading – feel free to comment it helps me no end!

Some thoughts & thanks on my journey

I am still overwhelmed by my programme and the other 12 step programmes people follow. No not overwhelmed humbled. I have met a few addicts on my journey especially on my blog. Some struggling some in recovery. The one thing that stands out is those following the 12 steps willingly give their time to support others. Giving service is part of the 12 steps. Helping others. Not saving not enabling but sharing our strength and hope so that they might recover too. One blog I follow is by a recovering addict. He has done so well he shares openly and I see so much of K in his posts it gives me hope that maybe one day he too will come to realise there is another way. The programme works. But you have to work it. It doesn’t just magically happen. We have to change our thinking we have to change years of habits, mindsets, we have to learn to live a different way of life. A different way to live. I had been resistant for a long time it was only when i gave my will over to a God of my understanding that I could start my programme with vigour. As I said in a previous post we are not born bad but are moulded by the environment around us. We are all dependent on what happens to us though life and whether we have the tools to deal with that. Today I am grateful for my fellowship, for coming to WordPress and meeting some great people, for following your journeys, the good times and the bad, I am grateful there is always hope – for all of us.

This was a small reminder this morning that even in the storms we endure in life there is always some beauty x

Forgiveness

I have to keep on forgiving because if I dont I waste energy on things I have no control over. What I struggle with is if forgiveness can become enabling? By allowing someone to behave in a way I find hurtful will there be an end to that behaviour? Even though I know that it’s not diliberate hurt, it’s just the nature of the relationship we have ( or don’t have). I know our wants are very different. I know the drugs make him behave in a way that is not really acceptable to me, and so I forgive. Not to forgive means I fret about what I have or haven’t done, what he has or hasn’t done….let go let God. I don’t think I understood that phrase for as long as I have been part of the fellowship but I think I am now understanding that I can’t take on the responsibility of his actions, I have to give it over to my HIgher power  to deal with and do what they think is best. What I need to work out is whether I can have any sort of friendship with him and keep on forgiving him. But more importantly what do I get from this very bizarre situation.

Back to Macclesfield 

we had to come back to Macclesfield after Boxing Day as they had only given him a couple of days worth of methadone. I was off until the new year so the next few days we flitted between mine and his. I don’t know how much money he had on release but once we got back to Macclesfield he started asking for money again. I suppose I had come on a bit in my journey but like anything you learn in theory some times putting it into practice is a far lot harder. I now understood that the addiction that we lived with was not mine to help. That if he wanted to use or felt the compultion to use that was his choice. Nothing I could do would stop that. I am powerless over the addict ( step one) I can not control him using drugs any more than I can stop the rain falling. Nothing I had done in the past had prevented him from using.  I might not understand why when he had been free of heroin and crack for 4 weeks he felt the need to start again, there has been a hint that it was so he could cope at my parents but I refused to accept that as an excuse and he soon dropped that one. The only thing I do have any control over is me and my own behaviour. Because part of me still loved this man I had met not what he became and I so wanted him back, I started to relapse back into my old behaviours. I wanted to be with him. Not totally at any cost but enough to start enabling him again. It was just £20 I could afford it – his words not mine. I could tell him yes it was and I could but him using wasn’t part of the deal. I didn’t want to go down that road again. I knew that I shouldn’t help him and yet because I wanted him to want me gave in again and again. For some reason he didn’t have his phone charger. He had bits of paper around the flat with numbers on ( dealers ) and would use my phone to call them. One afternoon he asked if we could go to score. This meant one of 2 places. Congleton or Bolton. He wanted to go to Bolton. I hated going there because I knew that’s where he had been staying with her. But we went and he met up with someone behind a pub in a rough looking area – well I don’t think there is an up town Bolton lol. He got his fix and cooked up in the car and used. I think either because he had had some time off it ( assuming he did when he was inside but that’s not a given) or maybe because the gear in Bolton was a bit less cut, he was out of it. He only had brown but I hadn’t seen him that zonked out before. He was slurring but said lets go. Because i didn’t really know where we were I asked for directions. He told me where to go but I had a feeling it was in the wrong direction. We were in some horrible run down estate pull over he slurs…why why are we stopping here? I knew all to well this must be where she lived how fucking dare he? He mumbled something about getting some stuff he had left there. Really!?! Really you expect me to believe this after 5 months that bitch will still have your things? He didn’t hear me he was out the car stumbling around. He came back after about 5 minutes she’s changed the lock…what is so important that you have brought me here? She has my ID ( passport) and my trainers. Do you really think if it ended so badly she would still have them?

She said she had them.

Oh so you have asked her?

No well she said she had them And left them in the shed but it’s locked.

I felt hurt and humiliated. That he thought it was ok to make me bring him here, well no actually he probably didn’t think it was ok to bring me here which is why he didn’t ask or tell me.

This woman had been completely  evil in my eyes. She had said some hideous things about me and to me. She had somehow taken my man when he was at his most vulnerable and yes if he loved me he would have stayed with me but our relationship had been on rocky ground before he went to detox because we were both so ill. I had become so obsessed with his addiction and was trying to control so much that if it had been me if someone new and exciting had come along someone that hadn’t seen me at my worse was like me free from addiction for the first time in years full of PMA yes I could see why he would hook up with her. I just reminded him of the bad times. But also if he had followed the programme would have to make admends. That means accepting and admitting  the wrongs you have done to others so that you can make admends to those you hurt. I suppose that was partly what I was trying to do do with him. Why I wanted another chance at our relationship. To show him I had learnt the nature of my wrongs and was trying to change my behaviour. That didn’t stop me kicking off big time tho! I think I was partly scared what if she had been in? What if she had come out? But of course worrying about things like that is a waste of energy although it doesn’t stop you. Or at least it didn’t stop me! You know we are told to live for the moment because we will never have that time again yes maybe so but on this occasion it was very much a moment I could have lived without!

There was so much I wanted to say to him but I was wasting my breath because he was still so out of it. I can’t remember now if we went back to mine or his and I don’t suppose it’s important. But another bit of my love for him was eroded that day. Maybe this is what I needed to see him behave towards me like this with no regard for me what so ever as long as he had his £20. It would take a bit more before I had enough and stopped living the lie I had created for myself, but this is my journey to recovery. It isn’t a race to get to step 12 it really is one day at a time.

It’s just over a year since I started coming to the rooms ( meetings ) and I have only just started my step work seriously. I thought if he wasn’t in my life I didn’t need to do the work. That was my biggest mistake. I don’t know if I had continued after he left me if I would be any more prepared – maybe maybe not. But now I can focus on me. I can make sure I do not go down that road again take a different path. I don’t doubt he will call again a couple of weeks. I don’t doubt people will try to take advantage of my good nature but I am not a victim -kindness is not a weakness- it actually takes a lot of strength and courage to deal with the abuse I have gone through. Yes I was in denial of many things but now see it for what it is. I am a work in progress but I am not aiming for perfection!

Back to the story!

And so it went on, day after day, week after week month after month. He used to ‘borrow’ money from me all the time. Then every 2 weeks when his benefits came through, he would pay some of it back. Of course I never really got the money he owed me. By the time I had filled the car with fuel bought some food it was gone. He could be ‘borrowing’ well over £100 a week, so when his money came through he could never have afforded to give it me all back. But I got 24-36 hours respite from the lies and bullying. There was always another reason for getting another fix. The last lot of drugs were rubbish, he sneezed and blew it from the bag, he was chased by the police so swallowed it….blah blah blah…and yet I couldn’t leave. Once when we were screaming at each other I said it wasn’t the money that bothered me, oh boy was that a mistake! Partly it wasn’t, I just wanted him to understand that the more he used the more he WOULD have to use! Why couldn’t he see that. Again and again he would say I don’t like being like this I want to be off this shit, but it never happened. Then he would come out with the line well you said its not about the money so why are you being like this? It’s tunnel vision, of course. When he is in addiction all he can think of is how to get his next bag When he was away from the environment One or two days up at mine we might have a break from it a bit of normality, we even went on holiday a couple of times once to Cornwall camping and then to Eygpt for a week. So he could do it IF HE WANTED TOO! But it was taking its toll on my mental health. Back then I didn’t realise that I couldn’t change him. I thought if he loved me he would do it for me. He kept saying I only need to get into detox and then we can have a good life, and of course I believed it. Because that’s what I wanted more than anything ,still do! It wasn’t until I started my programme that I realised how I had got it so wrong. The enabling didn’t help him it hindered him. All he had to do was plead and beg and promise the impossible ( I won’t use tomorrow, I will go and see the drugs team tomorrow and get them to increase my methadone) and I always believed him. I Thank my HP that now I see the lies for what they are. It’s interesting that this time even though I know he is using and have even ‘leant’ him some money he knows that I know what the score is, I won’t take the BS that I did before. I have told him that now I know I can’t change him only he can do that, all I can do is remove myself from a situation that just makes me as sick as he is. I told him today he bullys  me, trying to persuade me to give him money, when he knows I haven’t got any to give, that the promise of his benefits being paid tomorrow isn’t enough for me. All I feel is stressed and I no longer want to live in that state. Today I came home because I had to for work, but he is left to his own devises, and you know what? I am not stressing about it. Before I would have been scared he would break the law to get money, and that somehow it would be my fault because I couldn’t give him the means to pay. Today I don’t care. I care for him, I would be upset for him if he did something stupid and got arrested, but it’s not my fault. It’s not my business. Of course it’s hard to put into practice something I have learnt in theory. I won’t even say I have been successful, I haven’t, I have given in to him, more than once, but at least we both know that this time I am not responsible for his choices. Today because I had to come home unexpectedly he asked me for my bank account details, so that when he gets his money tomorrow he can pay me back the money he owes me. He said ‘I know if I don’t I won’t see you again’! That is a huge step forward for us both. Him taking responsibility to actually pay me back without me prompting him but also realising this time, I will walk away. It’s my only option, if he doesn’t get himself sorted out.

I have kinda left my journey again, but this blog has given me a way of putting down my thoughts in the now, in fact when I started writing it I didn’t expect for me and him to ever get back together. We haven’t really in my heart, I love the man I met, I even love the man that was in jail, but I hate the addict! So for me right now I have more barriers up than ever before. I had a break from it for 6 months and my programme has helped a lot.

Looking back I don’t know why I put up with the financial abuse that I did. I do not under any circumstances want to equate this to being with a man that is violent. It’s not the same at all, mentally tho there must be a parralle. When some one is loving and kind and supportive 80% of the time, the 20% that is spent screaming and shouting over £20 is pushed to the back of your mind. When the ask is wrapped up in love in the voice, the pleading voice that says love you know I don’t like asking or babe sorry to be a nuiceance but could you just lend me £20 you know I will give it you back ( even tho I knew he wouldn’t ). If I said no he wouldn’t leave it at that. He would go on and on please love come on I know you have it, I am not asking you to give it to me it’s only a borrow. If I tried to say no, I need that money to get to work, or I haven’t got it, I would get the same back again and again, come on they won’t send you anywhere I get my money tomorrow you will get it back, or you get your travel expenses in 2 days you have enough fuel ( not if they send me to Birmingham,) they won’t love come on. Sometimes it was just easier to give in and give him the money, and stress about it later if I got a call, but before I didnt understand that stressing about something that hadn’t happened yet was not good for me so I did stress. Thinking ahead to make some excuse if I got a job and couldn’t afford to get there! There was only a couple of times I couldn’t go to work because I had no money. Sometimes in the beginning work would pay my expenses early, but you don’t like asking too many times, it’s embarrassing. A week after pay day and no money!  The lies and excuses I came up with were scandalous really. I had 2 loans from work, which I had to pay back of course monthly. Big loans the equivalent to my monthly salary. All spent on drugs! That’s about £5k!

And that was why it was so embarrassing I had a good job with very good money. About £2500 a month plus my weekly travelling expenses and I still had no money every month. Eventually I set up a second account. I had my wage paid into the new account and on pay day transferred the money into my other account to pay my bills. It was the only way of protecting my cash and to make sure my bills got paid. Later I set up a third on line account and would put money into that so if he took my cash card it looked like there was no money in my main account. That way at least I had a bit of money put by for later in the month. But more often  than not we lived just off my travel expenses. My friend Ali, at that point wasn’t working, she has 2 kids and an ex husband that sometimes pays maintenance but often didn’t. She was on job seekers allowance and still had more money than me! She would invite me over for a drink at the weekend God I felt bad! I appreciated the fact she was helping me out, but felt so ashamed that I couldn’t even buy a bottle of cheap wine. She said time and time again, leave him, but I couldnt! I still to this day don’t understand the hold he has over me. I hated my life. But in the same breath wanted the man I met back, and the only way that would become reality was if I stayed with him, and got him into detox and rehab. Otherwise all this pain would have been in vain! So I hung on in there. Hoping all the time that he would get a place in detox……mmmm be careful what you wish for, sometimes what you have is better than what you think you want!

So much in love 😍😍

I hadn’t had anything to drink but felt high, and I mean really high. I had him here at last we were together. The thought of drugs didn’t come into my head. Because he had told me about the drug dealers running him over in a car and breaking his back it made sense to me that he needed pain killers or Valium to relax. That first night was emotional to say the least. He phoned his brother to say was in Lancaster ended up in tears he felt so devastated because he lost his job. He was saying over and over he always destroys anything good in his life. When something good happens he does something to destroy it to kill it. He was so low. It was so difficult I was on one hand so happy to have him with me but so upset to see him in this state. He was such a good man why did he feel so bad about himself? In hindsight now because this had happened too many times before, he was given a chance to get his life on track but the Eastern Temptress always called him and he couldn’t say no to her!

At this stage of our relationship we talked about everything, well I talked about everything, felt I could be as honest and open as I wanted. I told him how I felt about him what I thought about him I poured out all my feelings for him, in a hope he would feel better about himself. I told him not to feel bad about himself and what had happened that things would be ok that he would get another job. He said he was tired so we went to bed.

The sequence of events is now a bit vague, but I think he stayed for a couple of days, before saying he needed to get more pain killers. I was working, of course, but might not have had any work on that day, but we ended up going back to Macclesfield. I dropped him off and I think went to a job, and picked him back up and came back home. Around this time he was offered a room in a shared house. The relationship he had had with the girl that died had been ‘volatile’. She threw him out and took him back then threw him out again and again, so he was justifiably worried I would do the same. I told him again and again I wouldn’t, no matter what he did, but he accepted the room. I was disappointed but we took his stuff back and he moved in. The room was tiny. There was a single bed and a wardrobe. I went back home.

I think at this stage he was just ‘dabbling’ a hit now and again. He wasn’t asking me for money all the time. My birthday was coming up it was the big 50 I was totally not looking forward to it. It sounded just so old!

Not only that I had originally made plans to have a party but in the afternoon had planned on getting a limo and going for afternoon tea in a posh hotel with family and a 5 close friends. There was only room in the limo for 9 so this meant K wouldn’t have been able to come with us. I also didn’t think it would be his sort of thing so ended up not booking it. Also it would have been over £200 for us all and All of a sudden I didn’t have any free cash! At this point K hadn’t given me any of the money back that I had ‘leant’ him. I was traveling back and forth to Macclesfield after work then traveling home, my bank account was empty! But I had booked a band and arranged for food at the pub so that had to happen!

Also because I had the dog I had to go home. I had booked a week off work and my party was the weekend before my birthday because one of my friends was working the weekend of my birthday. This had been sorted out months before in fact I think it might have been booked before I even met Karl. So I had booked the full week off. Mum said she would take my old boy ( the dog)  back with them because I planned on going somewhere the week I was off. I hadn’t booked anywhere but it was my 50th so wanted to do somthing  even if I had no cash! The Friday before the party I finished work and went to pick him up.

As far as I remember everything was good. In the morning I had to get my hair cut my sister was arriving Early afternoon. When I got back he said love I really don’t want to be here, I don’t want to meet your family.

WHAT!!!? Sorry love I just feel really stressed about it. Ok well I haven’t the time to take you back to Macclesfield and get back here cos my sister is coming. Ok he says well can we go and see someone I knew in rehab he might be able to get me some vali’s to chill me out? Where is he? Oh in Lancaster. Ok I thought fair enough.

we went into town he knew roughly where the guy lived but had no phone number for him. Eventually after about an hour we tracked him down. K said he needed some white, I assumed he meant tablets Valium, can’t help you said the guy. Now what? My sister was due. We will have to go to mac! No love we can’t my sister is coming I need to be at home. About a minute after I said it she rang….where are you? Erm just in town the back door is unlocked let yourself in I will be there soon sorry! My god I felt like shit. His behaviour was now having an impact on me and my arrangements I can’t let my family down. I have issues relating to how I was brought up. But not failing is a big thing in my makeup! Babe I have to go home my sister is here, well if you want me to come to your party you have to help me! Fuck my head was racing, it was a 3 hour trip to Mac and back, my parents would be arriving before then. You will have to take my car and get what you need I was in panic mode. I wanted him there I was so proud of him and wanted to show him off. I suppose a little bit of me wanted to show off my younger boyfriend! Yeah look at me I can get a younger drop down gorgeous boyfriend ( ego is a terrible thing,) that by having him as my fella meant I somehow had made it! I was very fucked up but didn’t see it til I just wrote that! He didn’t have a licence this was a massive risk for me giving him my car, but I wanted him there but couldn’t take him. He wouldn’t even take me home just dropped me off so I had a 10 minute walk home. My poor sister had been there for an hour! I made  some lame excuse that karl needed some pain killers but we couldn’t get them without prescription so he had now gone back to Macclesdfield.

i think I am probably portraying him in a very poor light given that at this stage as far as I was concerned he could do no wrong! As will be said again and again on this blog hindsight is a gift!

My parents arrived before he got back but he arrived about an hour later he turned up. He was very shy but once the initial meeting was over he was his usual chatty lovely self. My parents loved him! Mum and dad were staying in a hotel so they got off to get changed and book in and I got ready to go out.

I would like to say my party was a great success but I won’t it came and went. K doesn’t actually drink very much so I tried to keep a check on my drinking too. I had a fairly good time. People seemed to enjoy them selves. I had planned to meet up with some friends the next day but karl wanted to go back to Macclesfield. I think even at this point I didn’t know he was using again. We needed some money but my account was empty. I didn’t get paid for another week. I was so upset I couldn’t understand where my money could have gone to. In the end I borrowed £100 from N&N but they were cross because I wasn’t coming out with them. I felt so ashamed having to ask my friends for money, but I needed it. No he needed it!

So back to Macc we went. He was canny I will give him that. He took me to the pub before he went off to score. You have a drink love I have to just have to go and see someone to get some more pain killers. I sat and waited he was ages. I should say my parents had been round in the morning and had taken my dog home I hadn’t left him, incase you were thinking!

I should say that in my other job I got my travel expenses paid every Thursday. You have no idea how that money got us through! But it was Sunday and thankfully i had the week off so we had a hundred quid to get me to til Thursday.

I had a week with my love what more could I want! It seemed it wasn’t to be though. His brother had some work for him. Great 😩 a week in Macc no money and no man! I was gutted. I should have gone home but for what reason? I didn’t have any money it would take £20 of fuel to get home just not worth it.

But you know what that week was lovely, well as lovely as a week in a single bed with a 6footer can be lol.

He was a real gentleman, made me a brew every morning and tried to get me to have toast, he really looked after me. I had never had a boyfriend that was so thoughtful before. And right then at that time I think he really did love me. He was attentive spoke to me with respect he was kind and just looked after me generally. I think that week was one of the happiest we had. Before the addiction kicked in for us both, mine with him and his with opiates. We had only been really together again about a month but it felt like so much had happened and that every week was like a month every day a week, and when we were apart every hour a day. He was so loving towards me I felt I would do anything for him.

My life in his addiction

So I have covered the background. This is where it starts for real. This is the bit that took me into the world of drugs and crime, of court cases and heart ache. Of  an illness that crept up slowly and i hadn’t even realised how sick I had become until my rock bottom was reached. Whilst we were living in our co-dependent world we were in denial that we were addicted or that there was a problem, this state took 2 years to reach and is the state that I am battling every day to control.

To cut a long story short it was towards the end of September when I got a call on Sunday morning. It was ? Can I see you? Why? What’s the point we want different things…No he says I have a job I am getting a flat I can give you what you want. K I have a stinking hangover I only got to bed at 4 I don’t think I can drive. Pleeeeze he says it will be worth it! I can give you what you want. All those feelings for him I had tried to surpress came to the surface, I had the chance to get him back how can I say no? Where? Come to Macclesfield. Macclesfield I don’t even know where Macclesfield is! It turned out to be an hour and a halfs drive away – and I didnt want to be with him when he was in Liverpool! I set off and he called me when I was about half an hour from home. I had arranged to meet him at 2 I didn’t have a clue how long it would be at that point to get there, he thought an hour so it was after one when I left. Where are you? On the motorway-  I am at the Packhorse ( where we arranged to meet) well it won’t be another hour before I get there according to the sat nav! I’ll wait – you better!

God bless him he did wait he was freezing. I am not sure I would have waited outside for an hour but he did. He got in the car and tried to kiss me. I half backed away. What you doing? We aren’t back together yet I say. You’ve had your hair cut you look nice  he says, yes, so where are we going? He gave me directions to a pub the other side of Macclesfield, I got to know this area very well over the next few months, but had no idea where I was. As we were on the way he started telling me that he  hadn’t got the flat yet, but had somewhere to stay, but needed to pay some money down. He said I know I am a nuisance but I don’t get paid until next week, is there any chance I could borrow £20 to pay for this room? I told him I only had £10 on me, I had a bit more, but we are by now going into the pub. I bought us some drinks and we sat down. He was chatty telling me about his job, it was over in Winsford where his sister lived. He had stopped at his other sisters the night before, he said something about I should buy him a ring now we were back together. In my head it was like a ring? What does he mean he wants us to be together does he mean like an engagement ring? I laughed and said yeah in your dreams….but that seed had been sown! So he says that money? I am sorry to ask but I really need to get off and sort this room out for tonight. I took the tenner out and was really shocked by his reaction, he became a bit aggressive not in a bad way but seemed irritated- I told you I need twenty! Yes I said but that’s all I have, well we better go to the cash point and get me some more I need to pay for this room or I will loose it. Ok ok I say, but we have just bought the drinks, well you take me to the cash point and come back we will tell them we are coming back, ok that seemed reasonable I thought. My emotions were all over the place, I didn’t feel comfortable giving him the money they way he asked for it but I loved this man so much and wanted to be with him. So off we went. I got out £20 and gave it to him. He said you go back to the pub and I will sort this out and come back ok? And thanks love and kissed me.

I sat waiting what seemed like ages, I drank my pint. I wasn’t sure I could risk another one but was feeling really rough. I can’t remember if I txt him or not but he came back shortly after. No apology for keeping me waiting but I just wanted to go home and get to bed. I also should have been meeting N&N and had texted them to say I had met Karl and would see them the next weekend that was the start of the end of my friendship with them. Putting him first. Although at this stage I was thinking about me really and what I wanted!

Babe I know I am a nuisance but can you give me a lift to Windsford? I need to get my stuff . Where’s windsford? Not far. Ok. So off we go it was far! I don’t know exactly but probably 20 miles away.

The next 3 or 4 weeks are now a bit of a blur, but I do remember taking him to Windsford and dropping him off. Then another time meeting him there possibly the next weekend and him borrowing another £50. He then told me he had lost his job. He said he had been out the night before and couldn’t be bothered getting up he was upset and down and asked if he could come up and stay with me for a few days. Wow this was moving fast! By now he had ‘borrowed’ about £150. I had absolutely no idea that he has started using, he always had a great explanation for the money.

We had met in Winsford and I took him to his sisters house to get his stuff. He was moving in with me! He wanted to be with me he said he loved me I was so happy! My dreams had come true! I had my man he wanted to be with me and we could live happily ever after. I was so blind I didn’t see what going on in front of me! But then again I didn’t know what I was looking for! The thought that he might be using drugs again didn’t even enter my head. He was still the man I had met when he was sober in rehab he was funny charming humble grateful even when I helped him out with money. Once his things were in the car he asked if we could go to Mac first. ‘What for?’ I just need to get some pain killers my back is really playing up. Oh ok. So off to Mac we go. A few phone calls and arrange to go to a flat. I stay in the car. He was gone ages. he comes back with a very dodgy looking bloke drinking a can of tenants! Babe I know I am nuisance but I really need to get these pain killers but I have to buy them can I borrow £20, and can we give this guy a lift he knows where I can get them. I was not happy but agreed after all we were going home. I had my man! I was so ecstatically happy about that, giving some skank a lift so my man could get some pain killers was a small thing to do in the great scheme of things.

We went into town and parked up they disappeared down some alley. They came back and he asked me to give the guy a lift back, so I did. That had been my first visit to the Moss estate, an area I would get to know very well! Thanks for the Valium he says to the guy. No worries bro see ya. Thanks for the lift, yeah no worries!

Valium? I thought he wanted painkillers! He seemed spaced out, he was moving really slowly picking at some invisible lint on his jeans. You ok? I ask yeah babe lets go.

So he came home with me spaced out on heroin and crack and I had absolutely no idea!