Changing behaviours

I suppose I have learnt a few things on my journey, the main one being I can’t change anyone’s behaviour but my own. As we approach the new year I experienced a lot of the old behaviours surface last night. Not only mine but his. He was being his usual affectionate self, this behaviour in the past was always followed by a hit for money. Last night was no exception. I always feel so upset by this sequence of events a lot of things go on in my mind. Feeling his arms around me stroking my arm cuddling me kissing me brings up a lot of lovely positive feelings I feel loved wanted, I believe he is showing me affection because he cares for me I start to relax basking in the warm glow that love brings. I also start to feel sexually awakened, but of course all those feelings are trodden on and shattered by the words that come from his mouth. He asks me for a ‘borrow’. Up til now even though I had my suspicions that he was using, well no I knew he was using, he hadn’t really bothered me for money. I had tried of course to persuade him not to use. All the good work he had done 4 weeks off that shit because he was in a controlled environment was easy. But now we are back in his home town so he can get his meds daily his old behaviours come back. I say no – I will give it you back he says – that’s not the point I say. He thinks me not giving in to his demands is me trying to control him. He really doesn’t understand that I don’t want to enable him. It’s not about controlling him, it’s about me controlling myself. Why can’t he see that. Why do I feel as though I am the bad one, that I am punishing him because I won’t give in to his demands. Why can’t I stick to my resolve. He’s clever of course, he knows I care for him love him, and waits until he has made sure I have had a couple of cans of lager so my resolve is weakened. I can’t explain what it feels like when someone you love is pleading promising you everything. When the lies trip off the tongue, just one love I won’t use tomorrow I will give you the money back, why can’t he understand it’s not the money, it’s the fact he wants to use that I don’t want to pay for. I know that I have to walk away. I should go now that he is out of the flat, but want to say good bye. I want to believe that he wants to be with me and not in addiction. He does, but once he has started to use he can’t stop. Unless he is out of this town. And I can’t stop unless I am away from him. Humanity stops me from leaving him with no food no phone no money. That’s because I love the person not the addict. But I know in my heart he is an addict, always will be so the only thing I can change is myself. He got a FB message from his ‘step daughter’ yesterday. She understands it and told him get off that shit you have someone that loves you and has stood by you. Her mum died when he was doing a stretch in prison a few years ago. She said don’t let my mum have died in vain. She wouldn’t want you to be using and in jail. Clever girl. I don’t think it had the effect she wanted, or indeed I want. But I thank her for saying it. So that monkey I was talking about along with the big top has landed right outside my door! Actually the monkey is swinging about in my front room, feeding itself from my food store.
I think right now I feel like addicts probably do. I don’t want to do what I do but I do. I hate my self for it. I want to walk away and stop this madness that is about to take control of two lives again. I know it’s wrong. I want to remove myself from it but not the man. And there in lies the problem. I know for my own sanity the only escape I have is to walk away. I also know that if I could get him away from this god forsaken town that gives him what he wants so easily maybe just maybe he could stay off the heroin and we could get on with our lives. Am I in denial? No I don’t think I am, is he? Very possibly. Thinks that just one hit won’t hurt, but I know one becomes two, becomes three, and there we are back on the addiction treadmill. I wish I could say something to make him understand without him thinking I am trying to control him. But maybe I am? I think I am trying to stop him from using. Of course! But not by not giving him money, but for him to have the self worth to want to do it for himself.
I want someone to lift me out of this horrible place but know I am the only one that can do it, so like the addict I am stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in, but also know I have to find the strength to get out. My head is racing, how can I abandon him, it won’t stop him from using will it. All I will feel is guilt and stress about if he is dead or alive or in jail. If I am with him at least I know he is being fed and is safe and is with me. So like the addict I ask myself why did I go back to him, why didn’t I stay away from the thing that I have no control over. Have I learnt anything then? Well yes I have learnt I have no control over his addiction only my behaviour, but like the addict sometimes it’s impossible to control.

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

well it’s been a very stressful few days…some of it my own doing but also his behaviour. I would like to say we got thro Christmas with out any problems but I cant. I am uncertain of his motives, the first couple of days we were cool, we even had fun and laughed quite a lot. But then because my phone shows all his activity on FB, I get jealous cos he has been looking up the ex girlfriend. You haven’t read the story yet of the girl he left me for before when he was in rehab, so bear with me!  He says its so he can get his stuff back, but really would she still have it after 4 months? Have looked at his fb account shes not on his friends list, he sent her a  freinds request in the last 48 hours. She hasn’t responded. But she had sent him a message, I could only see the first line on my phone, and it was something about why didn’t you respond to my messages guess you got money…. He’s not very well at the moment, the community drugs team made us wait far too long on Christmas Eve so from release of prison to getting his methadone, it’s was over 24 hours since he had had his medication. I assume at some point he used heroin! He went off a couple of times whilst i waited in the flat. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt, he didn’t ask me for money, but I think he used, he couldn’t have been ‘so well’ other wise. Well no actually that’s not true. I know he used, he said he had to. I was livid but reminded my self that this was not my monkey  not my circus! I was also saddened by his lack of resolve but just asked him not to under any circumstances take anything to my parents house. They had asked him if he wanted to come with me for Christmas, incredibly good of them given the situation, but I wish in some ways they hadn’t. I could have left him to his own devices, and justified leaving him. But even though he said he didn’t want to go changed his mind. It was in fairness all last minute, he was very embrasrassed to go there, that possibly added to his excuse to use, in fact that did come up when I challanged him about his choices. Well if I wasn’t going to your mums I wouldn’t have too! That was not accepted as an excuse as far as I was concerned that was him just justifying it for himself, but of course he believed it that and the fact he was without his meds for so long.

Without sounding as though I am concurring with his choice, it seems very unreasonable to make some one on a methadone script to wait over 24 hours for his meds. He said that he wasn’t given any meth at prison before discharge. I don’t know if that was true. I also don’t know how much gear  he bought. I don’t know if he has used every day, I begged him not to take anything to my parents, and God forbid if  he did.  I don’t think he has today but not so sure about yesterday. I take him home tomorrow, he has to stay at home for 2 days, and is due to come back here for New Years eve. I might stay there I might not. He has no money now, so hopefully I am just being over sensitive reading into things, things I shouldnt. Tomorrow I have to be stronger than a ny other time. Because tomorrow I have to walk away. It has to be a new year new start, I am not can not go back to how it was. But in the same breathe I have to believe he isn’t using, and it’s just my paranoia that’s making this so difficult. One of my shortcomings brought on by his addiction is lack of trust in him. I want to believe him and do believe when he was in prison really believed he would come out and be happy and clean, but because he is still on methadone seems to think that if he hasn’t got it he can use heroin as a substitute??? I am not an addict, but even to me that seems to be just the piss poorest excuse of using I have heard. But as I say I am not the addict here, he is, it’s his body. Not my monkey not my circus!  but the monkey is about to run away from the circus, I think, and heading for my door again, and I don’t know if I can leave it out in the snow with no shelter or food.

Wishing all a peaceful Christmas and new year

I just wanted to wish you all a great and safe holiday season how ever you spend it. I probably won’t get time or Internet over the next few days. I want to thank you for your kind comments and well wishes. My thoughts and prayers go out to those of you that are alone. I wish you a safe few days. If you have time please spare a thought for those that do not have what we sometimes take for granted. There’s a young man out there who hasn’t been blogging for a while I hope you are warm Brad and that you found food and shelter. He is one of many on the streets this time of the year. It was not his doing or choice. I don’t wish to put a dampener on your festivities but not all are as fortunate as we are. Wishing everyone that reads this a safe warm and peaceful new year. Karen x

The beginning of the end?

I am feeling a little bit apprehensive right now. This time tomorrow K could be out of jail. By some miracle of compassion and kindness my family have said that I can bring him home with me for Christmas. Of course I am extremely grateful for this act of generosity and goodwill. I don’t know if he will accept. He should! His own family don’t want him around. My old behaviours and feelings are starting to creep back. I have to do a lot of reading over the next few hours to keep my self in check. I am projecting again all the what ifs scenarios playing about in my brain. What if he doesn’t get a methodone script for the weekend and has to stay in Macc over the Christmas time. Alone? What I should be thinking is ok he might have to stay alone in the place that’s easiest for him to get drugs, but, I have to trust he wants to do this and stay in recovery this time. If he does relapse that is not my doing, it’s the disease he lives with. Ultimately it makes no difference where he is if it’s going to happen it will. Only he has control over it. But part of me also thinks that if he does get his script and comes with me and he has a few days stablity that will help him in the recovery journey. I know as he is released the hardest part of the journey is the next 72 hours, but have to remind myself it’s not my business it’s not my job to watch him 24/7. Enabling financially is one thing, and I have control over that, but taking on his responsibilities for his own actions and choices is not my place.

If you are reading this pray for us please, pray for him to have found the courage and strength to really want to do it this time, pray for me to have the courage and strength to walk away if he doesn’t.

I hate thinking negatively but I also understand the disease that we are living with. The harsh truth, is for 20 years he has failed to stay off the heroin for any length of time unless he is inside a jail. I have to wonder if this time is going to be any different. 😔

Desperatly seeking….part 2

So I walk into town, my head was racing I didn’t know what to do for the best. Had he been pulled over in the car? Had the police arrested him? Had they impounded  my car somewhere? If he had been pulled over he wouldnt have said anything to the police about it being my car, what the hell was I going to say when I got there? I didn’t want to but couldn’t see any way out of this, I needed my car back I also needed to know if was locked up somewhere. I would have to get the money to get it out somehow, more stress….but like I have said before one of the symptoms of my addiction was prempting what could be rather than focus on what was. When you live with someone else’s addiction you become obsessed with what ifs and the worse scenarios. They rarely come true, but you can’t help the negative thinking. As I got closer to the police station I decided to go to the bank, I have 2 accounts so thought if I could transfer the money from the account with the card he had I could at least access some money. I didn’t have that much but there was about £80 gone. My heart sank, I needed that money and so asked the cashier to transfer what was left into the other account, at least then if he tried to get any more out he couldn’t. I went down to the police station, and more or less said the first thing that came into my head. Have you arrested K? And you are? His girlfriend, I didn’t want to say too much, the last thing I wanted to do was get him into trouble. But I needed my car back. So I said look he went out in my car this morning and hasn’t come back. I am worried for him and the car. Has he got your permission to drive it? Yes. Is he insured to drive it? No 😔 well if we stop him he will be arrested for no insurance and as you have given him permission you will be charged too, and the car will be impounded and you will have to pay to get it out, once you produce your documents (great they are at my house 80 miles away I think to my self and no car to get there ) well that’s the risk I will have to take I say. We will phone you if we find him or the car what’s your number? He has my phone 😫 well someone will come round to the house, they didn’t ask the address – they knew it, well!

I still had to tell work I don’t know why I didn’t just phone and say I was ill. But because my head was so mixed up and I was so ill, I couldn’t think like a normal person would think. I am pretty honest and lying is not easy for me, but when you live in addiction lying becomes normal, covering up for his addiction was an every day thing, became normal for me. I think as we were so skint and I probably hadn’t eaten for a couple of days, plus the whole enormity of him and my car missing I couldn’t think straight. I found a business card in my purse and found a pay phone. I called and gave them some bullshit story about how someone had run into the back of my car. That didn’t feel as though it was enough so then decided to say that when I got out of the car to check the damage one of them had got into my car and stolen my bag? I have no idea why I said it, but I was desperate, I thought if they thought I was somehow a victim of some crime they might have more sympathy, this is the madness of addiction.

Once I had got that out the way I went back to the house and waited, and waited, and waited….I can’t tell you how I felt. I was devasted, exhausted, confused, scared. Just not knowing if he was alive, that was the most important thing for me. The car and phone could be replaced, but my man couldn’t. I just didn’t know what to think anymore. He had never disapeared like this before unless he had been arrested. After what had felt like an enternety I heard the front door open, please let it be him, when he opened the door to his room the relief flooded over me. Oh your still here, well you had my car what  the hell has happened? He was limping they had me love took me up into the hills threaten me I had to drive them round all day….I didn’t really care and the words just became just that words, he was telling me something I couldn’t make sense of, they had threatened him with a hammer he owed them money, I think I zoned out…I couldn’t hear the words. He was home that’s all I cared about. I had to tell him about the police, where’s the car? I asked  Out the front he says . I told the police it was missing. Move it round the back then he says. I don’t remember which of us moved it but about 10 minutes later the police arrived at the house. Your car is around the back. Yes I say I know. I gave them some bullshit story about it must have been there all the time, it wasnt we checked he says. Well it’s back now. Is K here? Yes, appeared the same time as the car did he? Oh I don’t know I said he came back and the car was round the back all the time. It wasn’t we checked like we say. Well I dont know it’s here now so thanks. Well let’s just say we know your registration now so will be watching who’s driving. Ok thanks I say.

It was months later just before he went into rehab that the truth came out. Or at least his version of the truth. He took the car in the morning and went off on a bender. He said he thought about killing himself, I dont know if that bit is true, but he wasn’t taken by drug dealers, he wasn’t threatened, he chose to take my car and my money, and gave no thought to how I would be feeling, but I excused it because that’s the nature of both of our addictions. We sometimes have no control Of our actions. That is something I have learned in my journey of recovery. Addiction changes your reality. Whether you are drug user or an enabler, our behaviour is not normal. Our relationship was toxic. We loved each other I think he loved the fact he didn’t have to break the law ( too much) to get his fix. I loved the man I had met and wanted him back. But the  life we were living was crazy and not emotionally stable. I didn’t want to live the life I was living but I didn’t want to be without him either, so if course I forgave him once again

Desperately seeking….(part one)

I like order. My days are taken up with times I have to be somewhere. I don’t like being late, it has an impact on the people I am going to interpret for. Sometimes things out of my control make me late, it stresses me out. A small thing to stress about in the great scheme of things but it does. Because when I was living in addiction being late became more prevalent. Not thro my lateness but when you are waiting on dealers then you work by their time scales not your own. Often we would set off with plenty of time to spare and then I would only get to work with seconds before being late because we had waited 45 minutes before the runner came out, or once we had scored had to get to a chemist for pins it started to affect me, I thought if I made a fuss it would stop but it didn’t it just made for tension between us.
One of my worst days is what I am about to tell you about. We were still in the shared house. I had a job in the afternoon. We didn’t have a lot of cash I think it might have been a a Thursday as there was money in the account but not a great deal. He asked if he could borrow £20 and if he could take the car. It was early 8ish and I didn’t want to get up. You stay in bed love I will go and come back. Ok I say he had my PIN number so gave him my cash card and car keys and phone. After about an hour I started to worry a bit. I couldn’t call him he had my phone! But I just had a feeling this wasn’t right. I made some tea and went back to bed to watch Jeremy Kyle! I thought if I haven’t heard by the time it’s finished I will have to do something (10.30am) it finished still not back. The familiar feeling of panic was creeping up, where the fuck was he?? Had the police pulled him over ( he didn’t have a licence and I didn’t have insurance for him to drive the car ) I got a shower I would have to leave for work soon come on babe please come back.

I didn’t really know what to think. Had he been pulled over by the police in the car? Had he been arrested? Had he OD? This just wasn’t like him..I was in a total state of panic. I HAD to leave for work soon, I needed the car back….I then made a decision that was probably crazy, but I didn’t know what else to do. I had recently  been on a job in a police station and when I was waiting someone had come in because their car had gone ‘missing’. They had parked it in a dodgy place on double  yellows or something of the like and when they had got back it wasn’t there. They wanted to know if it had been towed and impounded . This flashed thro my head. Had this happened my car had been impounded? Had he been caught driving it? When you live in chaos it happens that chaos happens! So there I am for 4 hours now he awol!

So I get up and walk to town, it was about a mile or so to the police station but I didn’t know where else to go. All I can focus on is I have to get to work, but I don’t have the cash and I don’t have my cash card to get any cash and I don’t have a car, so I too was about to become AWOL! ….. Tbc

Prison visit – Just for today.

Today I am apprehensive. Today I go and see K in prison. I have been to prisons before through work, so the system won’t be new to me, but it’s how I am going to be perceived I guess is what is worrying me more. I don’t feel 100% I have a bad cold I didn’t sleep too well, because of the cold but also dreaming about K. He is as much on my mind now as when we were a couple. Today will be hard for him too. They might have stopped his methadone today, if so he will be ill. We both have so much to discuss, it’s going to be a tough day. How can I commit to anything how can he? So just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. Just for today I will be happy. Just for today I will be agreeable.

Easy words to follow? Not for me, but I will try, that’s all I can do.

Bit of chaos in a normal life!

so I believed the lies wanting to believe that he wanted to get off the gear and somehow we would live happily ever after. After Christmas time some one he knew moved into the house, he was a nice enough guy but a user too 😔. Of course all my worst fears became true they spent all day together, and each other’s money. I started to feel a bit aggrieved as I was certain that his friend was getting the benefit of my money but also knew that K was a bit selfish when it came to his fix so probably wasnt sharing, but even so was suspicious that his increased use might be to his mates benefit! The woman that owned the house had a string of houses and flats and some how they managed to talk her into giving them a job, cleaning the houses she owned. They were both very good cleaners, to be fair, and it gave them something to do. Cash in hand they spent it on drugs of course, it gave me a bit of a break but not much, they were borrowing on work they hadn’t done yet, and in the end she stopped using them. I think they owed more than they could sensibly work for. K said it was his mates fault that he had been borrowing money and not turning up, but quite often we would go to the housing office, he would borrow some money and then go score. He should have started work at 10 but often it was more like 11 by the time we had met the dealer and he had used. He had no idea of time when he was in that state. 5 minutes was often an hour, a can you just take me on your way to work left me running late. But it became my normality, so I adjusted my self to make sure I wasn’t late. If I had a 10am start I would say I had to be there for 9.30 so I wasn’t  to having to run around after dealers first thing in the morning. His mate was full of ways of making money, good to his word and my money K wasn’t grafting to get cash didn’t need to he had my money! But his mate was into all sorts! One day I got a phone call, when you getting back? Don’t know love about and hour or so…. Good we have to go the scrappy’s……??? Why? Oh C has got some scrap its ok we can cash it in…but we need a car to get it there. Ok. Hey don’t worry love it’s fine we got it from a job we were doing for ( the land lady) we were cleaning out an old house she is going to get done up. So home I come and the car is loaded up with a load of scrap metal. Well when I say scrap I mean lead! It later transpires it’s been robbed from a roof. But not til we drive to the scrappy’s and get it weighed in. Times have changed now and you need bank account details car registration plates are noted, so they come out and ask if they can have the money paid into my account. I wasn’t happy cos in the back of my mind was if this lead is stolen ( I’m not that daft I had assumed it was once I was told that’s what it was) I didn’t want cheques from a scrappy paid into my account. I said I didnt think its a good idea, I am too overdrawn I might not be able to get the money out. There was a bit of an argument about it but I said no cos if I pay it in we won’t be able to get it out for at least 5 days. So they got a cheque and we then had to go to town to get it cashed at one of them we cash cheques places. I was worried cos there had been cameras all over the place at the scrappy’s and I knew with the new regs if the lead was proved as stolen I was the link to it….of course nothing did happen but I said to K I didn’t want to go there again. So once they had the cash there were a few phone calls and off we went to score! K went to do the deal, when he was buying for others he always got the money from them and did the deal. I don’t know if he was taking from the others bag or not but it wouldn’t have surprised me. There was always deals on 3 for 2 so I am guessing he used that to his advantage. yes you even get deals on drugs lol! 😄 I only know that because my phone was used so often I got the txt messages saying when they were on and what ‘offers’ they were doing. So 3 for 2 was a regular offer. When K went off C and I started chatting. He’s lucky to have you’re says. Mmmm maybe I don’t feel lucky tho, you have to remember when we met he wasnt using this isn’t wasn’t what I was expecting when we got together. If you had said a year ago I would be with a bag head I would have told you you were crazy! Youre  a nice woman, I hope he appreciates you. Yeah me too! He comes back, let’s go he says. As we approach the house the seat belt comes off as I am pulling up the door is open and out he jumps……fuck he’s ruthless says C. Yeah he is isn’t he! I say, but have seen this behaviour so many times before I don’t even give it a second thought. But here I was with another addict that thought his behaviour was ‘ruthless’ desperate or any other word you want to give it. And once again my reality is brought back to me.

That time of year.

I don’t really feel like giving you an update at the moment. It’s seems a bit self indulgent talking about my past, when so many are struggling With the present. I am feeling pretty mixed up at the moment. A bit disempowered. I should be happy. But I am possibly going to take a huge risk, it shouldn’t be difficult should it? Having the man I love back in my life, but right now the enormity of that choice is very difficult to deal with. I am struggling with whether its  because I want my man back the sober man, which I do, but whether I can be strong enough in so many different ways for it to be safe for us both. Am I strong enough to trust him when he is not with me? If he is to find his own way in his life will I hold him back? If he chooses to use again will I be strong enough not to enable that choice and walk away again? The reason I walked away last time was  because we weren’t together together, and because of my recovery could see how destructive his behaviour in addiction was on my mental health and well being. I had achieved serenity, and didn’t want that to be taken away again. I had found myself again. Was starting to live again after wanting to die, and now, I could have the very thing I wanted all the way through my journey. And I so desperatly want it, but I am scared of relapse, his then mine. When I started this blog I thought I would tell you my story as it had happened, and that is still my intention, but sometimes I have to deal with the here and now. Today is one of those days. I didn’t fall in love with an addict, well no that’s not strictly true, I fell in love with an addict in recovery. I had no idea what that meant, leant the hard way but still loved the man in recovery, still do. He is so close to being that man again, and I am so close to having him back, I should be happy and part of me is, but we will both have to work so hard for this to work. Trust is a difficult thing to get back when it has been stolen from you by another’s behaviour. But baby steps I guess, let my higher power guide me. They tell us to release with love, but surely there are couples out there that achieve a happy balance? Living with addiction even in recovery is so hard. I still have so much to learn, I ask my HP to guide me through this and help me find the right way.

In the name of love

So for the next 2 months I had a house guest! Well even though he was on the meth he still used and so trips to Macc in the day time if I was working that way were a given. They were a given even if I wasn’t working down that way. Part of me was happy I had my man at home but a big part of me was becoming more and more saddened by this awful situation we were in. All I wanted was for him to give 3 clean urine samples in 2 weeks and he would be put forward for detox. I suppose that’s like asking an alcoholic to go into a bar with a free range of what ever their poison is and not take a drink! Or the shopaholic on pay day not to go shopping or giving a gambler £10000 and tell them not to put a bet on the only horse running in a race! Services ask the impossible because in my mind they have such low finances they can’t afford for addicts to achieve what they ask! If all the addicts that say they want to detox actually achieved the 3 clean specimens in 2 weeks services just couldn’t cope! There just isn’t enough beds. At this point I truly think he cared for me so much he tried so hard. He could manage about 3 or 4 days but then he started feeling ill so by the time the 3rd Sample had to be given he had used, so didn’t go. I am not proud of this but he even manipulated me into giving a sample so he could take it with him, to give a clear one. ‘Come on love you know I want to get into detox but I can’t and even you said how it’s a stupid request to give an addict’ fuck he was clever he used anything I said to his advantage making me feel the guilty party if I didn’t comply with what he wanted me to do. The price of love??? I am not a victim by the way. I am not trying for one minute to make out he was pressuring me but when you live in another’s addiction you will do ANYTHING to get them well. It wasn’t until he actually got into rehab and I found my 12 step programme that I realised how his addiction had made me addicted to trying to fix it all though enabling. Until I recognised my shortcomings and how I wasn’t helping I got pulled deeper and deeper into our addiction.
I am quite an honest person I say it as it is! I don’t deliberately try to hurt people and will keep quiet rather than hurt someone’s feelings and this is one of my shortcomings! By keeping this addiction to my self and trying to keep family and friends out of what was really happening in my life, I cut ties, I stopped seeing friends and family. I stopped caring for myself and put his addiction needs above anything and everything else. When I learnt about codependency I refused to accept it. I choose to help him, I was stopping him from being ill by paying for his drugs. Did I get off on it? No not really but I didn’t want him to break the law by burglary or theft so I took it on to myself to pay for his habit. Of course I am now enlightened so see that we were both codependent on each other. He was with me for his benefit and so was I.. I am battling with this as I have said previously. Its hard looking back and thinking about how I was manipulated allowing my self to be pulled every which way, in the name of love! It’s funny how I convinced myself I was doing these things for the right reasons. I was in my head, I loved him and knew no different. And of course it was early days, we had only really been back together since September 3 or 4 months but by Christ so much had happened. The last time I had my hair cut was around this time. He was looking at some photos of me with longer hair. ‘Babe I think I like you better with longer hair’ oh ok I say I will grow it then, ‘ yes cos it costs so much every month to get it cut, you should grow it’ so I do! Of course the £40 a month could be put to better use, money was already tight, in stead of thinking he wants that money, I thought we need that money for food! I am being selfish spending that on myself a month.
As he was at mine I was still able to see N&N on a Sunday. Not every week but managed to see them around Christmas time. I so wanted him to come with me, to meet up with my friends, but he would just say you go love and have a good time. I will stay here. More guilt! I felt it was unfair of me to go out and enjoy myself when he was cooped up at home. Sometimes when I got home when he was off the tag he would say he was feeling ill and needed to go back to Macc. I had been drinking so couldn’t drive, so he would drive back. I didn’t like him driving the car, he didn’t have a licence, but couldn’t risk my own so let him. So over the space of a few weeks my weekly meetings with my friends  started to stop. As the need to feel normal ( for him) increased the earlier we would go back to Macc. And so it continued, after my dog went for his last sleep, I stayed over at his more and a more, depending on work. But I would get phone calls asking for me begging me to transfer money into his account. One time I think he must have been with some others in ear shot, what he said to me appalled me. I actually started to feel that this was enough that he would stoop so low! I was working on a case in Wolverhampton, it was lunch time and a got a call. I was still smoking at that time so was outside, by myself which was a blessing. He phoned and asked how I was. He was always respectful up to a point! Babe please I really need to get a thing…I gave you £20 this morning, I know love but it wasn’t any good come on you have to help me out. I was really skint, I had enough money for fuel to get to work, for the rest of the week and that was about it. I had transferred £20 in his account in the morning, before I went to work so knew how much I didn’t have, come on love please he says, and when you get home I will have sex with you….WHAT!!! What did you just say? I ask in disbelief, come on I will give it to you good! My head was in an absolute mess, one thing you don’t have with a heroin addict is sex! The fact that he was trying to use this as a bribe, disgusted me. You want me to pay for sex? you are disgusting! I can’t believe you said that to me. No I will not give you money for sex, I will not give you money because I HAVENT GOT ANY! Are there others around you? Are you showing off to ur ‘mates’ no K I will not give you any money. I will see you later, aw come on love, I really need to get a thing, I am ill,  look if I give you the money I won’t have any for tomorrow, yeah that’s fine babe I won’t use tomorrow. Yeah yeah I have heard it all before but this was a new one!
But part of me still wanted to believe that tomorrow he wouldn’t use. Come on love you know you have the money, you are just trying to control me, I promise on my mothers life that I won’t use tomorrow I will come with you to work and we can go to yours PPLEEEAASSSE!
So once again I go back on my word, but this time I am saddened that he has resorted to trying to use sex as a bribe, but again trying to excuse it by thinking well he is showing off to his friends. But that phone call took away a little bit of the love I had for him. 💔