Changing behaviours

I suppose I have learnt a few things on my journey, the main one being I can’t change anyone’s behaviour but my own. As we approach the new year I experienced a lot of the old behaviours surface last night. Not only mine but his. He was being his usual affectionate self, this behaviour in the past was always followed by a hit for money. Last night was no exception. I always feel so upset by this sequence of events a lot of things go on in my mind. Feeling his arms around me stroking my arm cuddling me kissing me brings up a lot of lovely positive feelings I feel loved wanted, I believe he is showing me affection because he cares for me I start to relax basking in the warm glow that love brings. I also start to feel sexually awakened, but of course all those feelings are trodden on and shattered by the words that come from his mouth. He asks me for a ‘borrow’. Up til now even though I had my suspicions that he was using, well no I knew he was using, he hadn’t really bothered me for money. I had tried of course to persuade him not to use. All the good work he had done 4 weeks off that shit because he was in a controlled environment was easy. But now we are back in his home town so he can get his meds daily his old behaviours come back. I say no – I will give it you back he says – that’s not the point I say. He thinks me not giving in to his demands is me trying to control him. He really doesn’t understand that I don’t want to enable him. It’s not about controlling him, it’s about me controlling myself. Why can’t he see that. Why do I feel as though I am the bad one, that I am punishing him because I won’t give in to his demands. Why can’t I stick to my resolve. He’s clever of course, he knows I care for him love him, and waits until he has made sure I have had a couple of cans of lager so my resolve is weakened. I can’t explain what it feels like when someone you love is pleading promising you everything. When the lies trip off the tongue, just one love I won’t use tomorrow I will give you the money back, why can’t he understand it’s not the money, it’s the fact he wants to use that I don’t want to pay for. I know that I have to walk away. I should go now that he is out of the flat, but want to say good bye. I want to believe that he wants to be with me and not in addiction. He does, but once he has started to use he can’t stop. Unless he is out of this town. And I can’t stop unless I am away from him. Humanity stops me from leaving him with no food no phone no money. That’s because I love the person not the addict. But I know in my heart he is an addict, always will be so the only thing I can change is myself. He got a FB message from his ‘step daughter’ yesterday. She understands it and told him get off that shit you have someone that loves you and has stood by you. Her mum died when he was doing a stretch in prison a few years ago. She said don’t let my mum have died in vain. She wouldn’t want you to be using and in jail. Clever girl. I don’t think it had the effect she wanted, or indeed I want. But I thank her for saying it. So that monkey I was talking about along with the big top has landed right outside my door! Actually the monkey is swinging about in my front room, feeding itself from my food store.
I think right now I feel like addicts probably do. I don’t want to do what I do but I do. I hate my self for it. I want to walk away and stop this madness that is about to take control of two lives again. I know it’s wrong. I want to remove myself from it but not the man. And there in lies the problem. I know for my own sanity the only escape I have is to walk away. I also know that if I could get him away from this god forsaken town that gives him what he wants so easily maybe just maybe he could stay off the heroin and we could get on with our lives. Am I in denial? No I don’t think I am, is he? Very possibly. Thinks that just one hit won’t hurt, but I know one becomes two, becomes three, and there we are back on the addiction treadmill. I wish I could say something to make him understand without him thinking I am trying to control him. But maybe I am? I think I am trying to stop him from using. Of course! But not by not giving him money, but for him to have the self worth to want to do it for himself.
I want someone to lift me out of this horrible place but know I am the only one that can do it, so like the addict I am stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in, but also know I have to find the strength to get out. My head is racing, how can I abandon him, it won’t stop him from using will it. All I will feel is guilt and stress about if he is dead or alive or in jail. If I am with him at least I know he is being fed and is safe and is with me. So like the addict I ask myself why did I go back to him, why didn’t I stay away from the thing that I have no control over. Have I learnt anything then? Well yes I have learnt I have no control over his addiction only my behaviour, but like the addict sometimes it’s impossible to control.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

well it’s been a very stressful few days…some of it my own doing but also his behaviour. I would like to say we got thro Christmas with out any problems but I cant. I am uncertain of his motives, the first couple of days we were cool, we even had fun and laughed quite a lot. But then because my phone shows all his activity on FB, I get jealous cos he has been looking up the ex girlfriend. You haven’t read the story yet of the girl he left me for before when he was in rehab, so bear with me!  He says its so he can get his stuff back, but really would she still have it after 4 months? Have looked at his fb account shes not on his friends list, he sent her a  freinds request in the last 48 hours. She hasn’t responded. But she had sent him a message, I could only see the first line on my phone, and it was something about why didn’t you respond to my messages guess you got money…. He’s not very well at the moment, the community drugs team made us wait far too long on Christmas Eve so from release of prison to getting his methadone, it’s was over 24 hours since he had had his medication. I assume at some point he used heroin! He went off a couple of times whilst i waited in the flat. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt, he didn’t ask me for money, but I think he used, he couldn’t have been ‘so well’ other wise. Well no actually that’s not true. I know he used, he said he had to. I was livid but reminded my self that this was not my monkey  not my circus! I was also saddened by his lack of resolve but just asked him not to under any circumstances take anything to my parents house. They had asked him if he wanted to come with me for Christmas, incredibly good of them given the situation, but I wish in some ways they hadn’t. I could have left him to his own devices, and justified leaving him. But even though he said he didn’t want to go changed his mind. It was in fairness all last minute, he was very embrasrassed to go there, that possibly added to his excuse to use, in fact that did come up when I challanged him about his choices. Well if I wasn’t going to your mums I wouldn’t have too! That was not accepted as an excuse as far as I was concerned that was him just justifying it for himself, but of course he believed it that and the fact he was without his meds for so long.

Without sounding as though I am concurring with his choice, it seems very unreasonable to make some one on a methadone script to wait over 24 hours for his meds. He said that he wasn’t given any meth at prison before discharge. I don’t know if that was true. I also don’t know how much gear  he bought. I don’t know if he has used every day, I begged him not to take anything to my parents, and God forbid if  he did.  I don’t think he has today but not so sure about yesterday. I take him home tomorrow, he has to stay at home for 2 days, and is due to come back here for New Years eve. I might stay there I might not. He has no money now, so hopefully I am just being over sensitive reading into things, things I shouldnt. Tomorrow I have to be stronger than a ny other time. Because tomorrow I have to walk away. It has to be a new year new start, I am not can not go back to how it was. But in the same breathe I have to believe he isn’t using, and it’s just my paranoia that’s making this so difficult. One of my shortcomings brought on by his addiction is lack of trust in him. I want to believe him and do believe when he was in prison really believed he would come out and be happy and clean, but because he is still on methadone seems to think that if he hasn’t got it he can use heroin as a substitute??? I am not an addict, but even to me that seems to be just the piss poorest excuse of using I have heard. But as I say I am not the addict here, he is, it’s his body. Not my monkey not my circus!  but the monkey is about to run away from the circus, I think, and heading for my door again, and I don’t know if I can leave it out in the snow with no shelter or food.

Wishing all a peaceful Christmas and new year

I just wanted to wish you all a great and safe holiday season how ever you spend it. I probably won’t get time or Internet over the next few days. I want to thank you for your kind comments and well wishes. My thoughts and prayers go out to those of you that are alone. I wish you a safe few days. If you have time please spare a thought for those that do not have what we sometimes take for granted. There’s a young man out there who hasn’t been blogging for a while I hope you are warm Brad and that you found food and shelter. He is one of many on the streets this time of the year. It was not his doing or choice. I don’t wish to put a dampener on your festivities but not all are as fortunate as we are. Wishing everyone that reads this a safe warm and peaceful new year. Karen x

The beginning of the end?

I am feeling a little bit apprehensive right now. This time tomorrow K could be out of jail. By some miracle of compassion and kindness my family have said that I can bring him home with me for Christmas. Of course I am extremely grateful for this act of generosity and goodwill. I don’t know if he will accept. He should! His own family don’t want him around. My old behaviours and feelings are starting to creep back. I have to do a lot of reading over the next few hours to keep my self in check. I am projecting again all the what ifs scenarios playing about in my brain. What if he doesn’t get a methodone script for the weekend and has to stay in Macc over the Christmas time. Alone? What I should be thinking is ok he might have to stay alone in the place that’s easiest for him to get drugs, but, I have to trust he wants to do this and stay in recovery this time. If he does relapse that is not my doing, it’s the disease he lives with. Ultimately it makes no difference where he is if it’s going to happen it will. Only he has control over it. But part of me also thinks that if he does get his script and comes with me and he has a few days stablity that will help him in the recovery journey. I know as he is released the hardest part of the journey is the next 72 hours, but have to remind myself it’s not my business it’s not my job to watch him 24/7. Enabling financially is one thing, and I have control over that, but taking on his responsibilities for his own actions and choices is not my place.

If you are reading this pray for us please, pray for him to have found the courage and strength to really want to do it this time, pray for me to have the courage and strength to walk away if he doesn’t.

I hate thinking negatively but I also understand the disease that we are living with. The harsh truth, is for 20 years he has failed to stay off the heroin for any length of time unless he is inside a jail. I have to wonder if this time is going to be any different. 😔

Desperatly seeking….part 2

So I walk into town, my head was racing I didn’t know what to do for the best. Had he been pulled over in the car? Had the police arrested him? Had they impounded  my car somewhere? If he had been pulled over he wouldnt have said anything to the police about it being my car, what the hell was I going to say when I got there? I didn’t want to but couldn’t see any way out of this, I needed my car back I also needed to know if was locked up somewhere. I would have to get the money to get it out somehow, more stress….but like I have said before one of the symptoms of my addiction was prempting what could be rather than focus on what was. When you live with someone else’s addiction you become obsessed with what ifs and the worse scenarios. They rarely come true, but you can’t help the negative thinking. As I got closer to the police station I decided to go to the bank, I have 2 accounts so thought if I could transfer the money from the account with the card he had I could at least access some money. I didn’t have that much but there was about £80 gone. My heart sank, I needed that money and so asked the cashier to transfer what was left into the other account, at least then if he tried to get any more out he couldn’t. I went down to the police station, and more or less said the first thing that came into my head. Have you arrested K? And you are? His girlfriend, I didn’t want to say too much, the last thing I wanted to do was get him into trouble. But I needed my car back. So I said look he went out in my car this morning and hasn’t come back. I am worried for him and the car. Has he got your permission to drive it? Yes. Is he insured to drive it? No 😔 well if we stop him he will be arrested for no insurance and as you have given him permission you will be charged too, and the car will be impounded and you will have to pay to get it out, once you produce your documents (great they are at my house 80 miles away I think to my self and no car to get there ) well that’s the risk I will have to take I say. We will phone you if we find him or the car what’s your number? He has my phone 😫 well someone will come round to the house, they didn’t ask the address – they knew it, well!

I still had to tell work I don’t know why I didn’t just phone and say I was ill. But because my head was so mixed up and I was so ill, I couldn’t think like a normal person would think. I am pretty honest and lying is not easy for me, but when you live in addiction lying becomes normal, covering up for his addiction was an every day thing, became normal for me. I think as we were so skint and I probably hadn’t eaten for a couple of days, plus the whole enormity of him and my car missing I couldn’t think straight. I found a business card in my purse and found a pay phone. I called and gave them some bullshit story about how someone had run into the back of my car. That didn’t feel as though it was enough so then decided to say that when I got out of the car to check the damage one of them had got into my car and stolen my bag? I have no idea why I said it, but I was desperate, I thought if they thought I was somehow a victim of some crime they might have more sympathy, this is the madness of addiction.

Once I had got that out the way I went back to the house and waited, and waited, and waited….I can’t tell you how I felt. I was devasted, exhausted, confused, scared. Just not knowing if he was alive, that was the most important thing for me. The car and phone could be replaced, but my man couldn’t. I just didn’t know what to think anymore. He had never disapeared like this before unless he had been arrested. After what had felt like an enternety I heard the front door open, please let it be him, when he opened the door to his room the relief flooded over me. Oh your still here, well you had my car what  the hell has happened? He was limping they had me love took me up into the hills threaten me I had to drive them round all day….I didn’t really care and the words just became just that words, he was telling me something I couldn’t make sense of, they had threatened him with a hammer he owed them money, I think I zoned out…I couldn’t hear the words. He was home that’s all I cared about. I had to tell him about the police, where’s the car? I asked  Out the front he says . I told the police it was missing. Move it round the back then he says. I don’t remember which of us moved it but about 10 minutes later the police arrived at the house. Your car is around the back. Yes I say I know. I gave them some bullshit story about it must have been there all the time, it wasnt we checked he says. Well it’s back now. Is K here? Yes, appeared the same time as the car did he? Oh I don’t know I said he came back and the car was round the back all the time. It wasn’t we checked like we say. Well I dont know it’s here now so thanks. Well let’s just say we know your registration now so will be watching who’s driving. Ok thanks I say.

It was months later just before he went into rehab that the truth came out. Or at least his version of the truth. He took the car in the morning and went off on a bender. He said he thought about killing himself, I dont know if that bit is true, but he wasn’t taken by drug dealers, he wasn’t threatened, he chose to take my car and my money, and gave no thought to how I would be feeling, but I excused it because that’s the nature of both of our addictions. We sometimes have no control Of our actions. That is something I have learned in my journey of recovery. Addiction changes your reality. Whether you are drug user or an enabler, our behaviour is not normal. Our relationship was toxic. We loved each other I think he loved the fact he didn’t have to break the law ( too much) to get his fix. I loved the man I had met and wanted him back. But the  life we were living was crazy and not emotionally stable. I didn’t want to live the life I was living but I didn’t want to be without him either, so if course I forgave him once again

Desperately seeking….(part one)

I like order. My days are taken up with times I have to be somewhere. I don’t like being late, it has an impact on the people I am going to interpret for. Sometimes things out of my control make me late, it stresses me out. A small thing to stress about in the great scheme of things but it does. Because when I was living in addiction being late became more prevalent. Not thro my lateness but when you are waiting on dealers then you work by their time scales not your own. Often we would set off with plenty of time to spare and then I would only get to work with seconds before being late because we had waited 45 minutes before the runner came out, or once we had scored had to get to a chemist for pins it started to affect me, I thought if I made a fuss it would stop but it didn’t it just made for tension between us.
One of my worst days is what I am about to tell you about. We were still in the shared house. I had a job in the afternoon. We didn’t have a lot of cash I think it might have been a a Thursday as there was money in the account but not a great deal. He asked if he could borrow £20 and if he could take the car. It was early 8ish and I didn’t want to get up. You stay in bed love I will go and come back. Ok I say he had my PIN number so gave him my cash card and car keys and phone. After about an hour I started to worry a bit. I couldn’t call him he had my phone! But I just had a feeling this wasn’t right. I made some tea and went back to bed to watch Jeremy Kyle! I thought if I haven’t heard by the time it’s finished I will have to do something (10.30am) it finished still not back. The familiar feeling of panic was creeping up, where the fuck was he?? Had the police pulled him over ( he didn’t have a licence and I didn’t have insurance for him to drive the car ) I got a shower I would have to leave for work soon come on babe please come back.

I didn’t really know what to think. Had he been pulled over by the police in the car? Had he been arrested? Had he OD? This just wasn’t like him..I was in a total state of panic. I HAD to leave for work soon, I needed the car back….I then made a decision that was probably crazy, but I didn’t know what else to do. I had recently  been on a job in a police station and when I was waiting someone had come in because their car had gone ‘missing’. They had parked it in a dodgy place on double  yellows or something of the like and when they had got back it wasn’t there. They wanted to know if it had been towed and impounded . This flashed thro my head. Had this happened my car had been impounded? Had he been caught driving it? When you live in chaos it happens that chaos happens! So there I am for 4 hours now he awol!

So I get up and walk to town, it was about a mile or so to the police station but I didn’t know where else to go. All I can focus on is I have to get to work, but I don’t have the cash and I don’t have my cash card to get any cash and I don’t have a car, so I too was about to become AWOL! ….. Tbc

Prison visit – Just for today.

Today I am apprehensive. Today I go and see K in prison. I have been to prisons before through work, so the system won’t be new to me, but it’s how I am going to be perceived I guess is what is worrying me more. I don’t feel 100% I have a bad cold I didn’t sleep too well, because of the cold but also dreaming about K. He is as much on my mind now as when we were a couple. Today will be hard for him too. They might have stopped his methadone today, if so he will be ill. We both have so much to discuss, it’s going to be a tough day. How can I commit to anything how can he? So just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. Just for today I will be happy. Just for today I will be agreeable.

Easy words to follow? Not for me, but I will try, that’s all I can do.