Practicing detachment

When I was living with someone in active addiction detachment was something I really struggled with, not separating the addict from the man I knew in recovery, that part I could do. Well I could hold onto the memories of the man in recovery and hope one day I would meet him again, but dealing with the man in active addiction was a lot harder.

Because of my codependent behaviours and thinking I still find it hard to detach from things that don’t necessarily have my name on it. One of the groups I have been a member of for a few years now, is changing ( as they do). We have had some strong personalities come into the room, and The ‘coziness’ of the group changed. Maybe I changed too but I struggled to let it go to let it evolve. Practicing detachment in this is difficult. Allowing our Higher Powers lead the way practicing our detachment is the only way to be able to recover from obsessiveness of people places and things.

Today I finally think I have detached with love and let the past stay there. I have been able to access information that is more or less from the horses mouth ( Facebook 😂) that my qualifier is definitely alive well and in recovery…I felt an enormous sense of well being and closure. It felt like a weight that had been sitting there had lifted. I felt a huge sense of gratitude that his HP had at last got him where he needs to be, interestingly the panic and dread I usually feel when his name comes up had gone, as early as just a few months ago when I thought I had seen him and hid, that feeling was no longer there. I was able to look at his profile and be happy that he had moved on and seemed happy. It didn’t upset me as I say it was a relief. I have no idea why he unblocked me it was by chance that ‘on this day’ popped up with his name in bold and curiosity got the better of me because he had unblocked me, but my HP guided me to where I am and this was part of my journey. It was time to detach myself from my past with love, I will be forever grateful for this journey and what I have learnt about addiction and indeed about myself but wanted to share even though the journey can be hard trust the program works because it does.

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Still here different year!

I’m not sure what has prompted me to write today…I’m doing well and working on my recovery. I now belong to 2 fellowships both dealing with my addiction to people places and things, my warped ideas around placing people to the position of my Higher Power, and putting everyone’s needs and life above my own, whilst being totally self absorbed and being a victim!

It’s hard to fit in when you’re codependent, lack of self esteem and confidence make it difficult to interact, if you do want to interact you say the ‘wrong thing’ or say stuff you don’t mean to. Then you end up feeling shit about yourself and give yourself a hard time because once again youve said something honestly but inappropriate. I don’t know which is harder not working on myself and just continuing in a way that is harmful to me or being aware of the mistakes and facing up to them! 55 years I was unaware, well no that’s not strictly true, I knew I didn’t fit in I was different I had many bad relationships – didn’t know it was because I was codependent, so today I can be grateful to be able to work on this with a face to face group. It’s hard today I introduced myself to a women’s group and probably shared the wrong information but I have learnt from that and now can let it go. I was asked how I was feeling and I told the truth! But that’s life….maybe there’s nothing wrong with being honest? I have no idea of the impact I have on others – due to lack of self esteem…I guess I still don’t value what I think or feel matters enough to make a difference….long way to go then but that’s good, New Year new way of living

Recovery is possible Just for Today