i am aware that I have tended to jump about abit it wasn’t my intention as I have said before I had meant to start at the beginning and work my way thro. I didn’t think I would still have contact, when I started, I thought this will be a great way of helping me put it to sleep, a record of what happened and had then hoped to start on my journey through the the 12 steps, maybe just voicing the problems I was encountering and it more becoming a diary. I thought by now I would be telling you all about boring life stuff! So I am now going to try really hard to stay focused and catch up with events as they happened not as they are happening! I will hold off that until I catch up, then it can be an as it happens blog.
So he came back to mine with the promise of a home detox. The first day he stayed in bed slept most the day and night, or at least was sleeping when I checked on him. I thought well maybe just maybe this time he is going for it, but reminded my self that this was only the first day we had done this before! He ate some food but said he was feeling ill, but I didn’t expect anything else. He had looked shocking lost loads of weight. This was different from before. At least when we had been together he had the meth, that held off the worse of the rattle starting he could manage a couple of days before it kicked in. But this time all he had was some medication from the doctors, I didnt probe what they were, he was always very Cagey about talking about stuff, probably cos he was lying!
The next day he asked if we could go out. I was surprised I didn’t think he would be up to it. Where you want to go?
Dont mind love you decide just want to get out the house before you go back to work tomorrow…
ok well you know it’s the week before pay day so I haven’t got loads of money so don’t want me to be buying beer and meals out!
No love that’s fine just be nice to see the sea! Have missed us going out places.
yeah me too!
I don’t really go places with out a reason when I am alone. I will go somewhere if I have a purpose but don’t just take myself off. I used to when I had the dogs used to go somewhere nice for a walk but don’t really have the motivation when I am alone.
So we have a brew and off we go. As we are getting close to the turn off for Blackpool he says I am not feeling well….
oh you want to go home?
No but do you think there is any chance I could go and get a thing , please love you know I don’t like asking but I feel really ill, and then we could go to Blackpool and have a good time.
No I can’t afford for you to buy drugs and then go to Blackpool it’s one or the other….
i am really ill it’s no further than Blackpool you won’t be using any more fuel,
K it’s and extra 60 mile round trip to macclesfield…
Not to Bolton….
Bolton? You want me to go to Bolton? Where she lives!
Come on love I can get sorted really quick then we can get something to eat later….
In my head I am screaming NO no I don’t want to pay for your drugs but what can I do? You’re here in my car why do you always get me into this situation where I feel as though I can’t get out of it with out giving in? Why when the last thing I want to do is enable you you make it so difficult not to? I am trying to give you reader an understanding of what it’s like for me. When this happens. There was no point in going to Blackpool he would just sulk and say he felt ill and not get out the car…. I could go home but then what I would have him in the house rattling, he gets moody and snappy I don’t want that. I can’t afford to go to macclesfield and back home then back to macclesfield. My head was spinning…. Ok ok I will take you to Bolton,
aw thanks love! 😄
we go to Bolton he makes a few calls and I go to the bank take out £20. He says I promise I won’t use til we get back to yours.
Ok I say…..thinking I doubt it!
We go up a street and he tells me to wait gets out and waits for the drop on the corner. He disappeared. I think ok here we go I am in for a wait, but after about 10 mins he comes back….I need a chemist.
I know one ( of course he does!)
the chemist is on a main road there is parking out side he asks if I have any money for a drink says he is thirsty. He goes to the chemist and comes back with a bottle of water and his pins. I start the car. Wait he says….
He gets out his gear and opens the pack from the chemist. He is about to use right in front of me in my car in broad daylight on a high street! I feel sick. But why can’t I say anything? I couldn’t I wanted to cry….he had never done this before. I didn’t know what to do….what if someone came past it might be a Sunday but it was early afternoon! I looked away I didn’t know what else to do. He cooked up and injected himself….this was a step beyond….he must have been desperate but in front of me? I knew he couldn’t wait he never could but in the car in broad daylight…..disgusted didn’t come close.
we went back home I was furious. We packed up our stuff and put things in the car…can we take the iPad love? Well there isn’t much point I say you will just put it in cash converters! I was laughing when I said it but we both knew it was the truth. I had very little money left to get me through to pay day. I had spent an extra £80 on drugs that I hadn’t really budgeted for in the last week I had to get to birmingham later in the week ( I wasn’t sure how I could afford it but thought I might get the train so I could use the works credit card)!i had a couple of hospital jobs so needed the cash I had for parking. I did actually have about £70 but any more hits for drugs and I would be shafted!
We set off and when we were about 20 miles from Macc he asked to borrow my phone, he made a couple of calls. Do you think we could go to Congleton? What for? ( as if I didn’t know ) I dont have any more money! Come on love I know you have? I am not well you could help me if you wanted.
I have £12 I need £10 for parking tomorrow….
i know you have more money you’re just making it hard for me…
no I am not I don’t have any more money!
I don’t know why I drove to Congleton but I knew I had to somehow keep him on side, I couldn’t afford to drive home I didn’t want us to fall out I was starting to panic the old feelings of fear creeping back.
What have you got in your purse?
i don’t know have a look….
theres only £12
i told you that
how much have u got in the bank?
I have about 15 but I need it for work….
we had pulled up in front of the coop. Go and get it out on cash back.
this isn’t enough – he was getting angry, I need more money you have it go and get it for me I need it now! He was shouting at me I felt scared, I mean really scared I was frightened for the first time that he might hit me, I had never seen him like this before. There was real anger in his eyes I had never seen him look like this before, They won’t give me anything for this £12 isn’t enough!
No I say, I needed the money I had, I shouldn’t have to justify how I spent my money to him or anyone else. He got out the car slamming the door. In my head I said God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change ( him) to change the things I can ( me) and the wisdom to know the difference ( I can’t help him only myself)
about 15 minutes later he came back….I don’t know if he got what he wanted but he was in a better mood.
We went to the flat, and went to bed. Before we went to sleep he asked what time I was leaving in the morning. About 9:30 well I will have to get up early and do some grafting ( robbing) so I can score if you won’t help me. You do what you have to do. I can’t give you what I haven’t got.
He left early but did make me a brew before he left! I went to work and he called me, babe please I am really ill please help me….
K I cant I cant afford it,
i have been out all morning but can’t get anything I need you to help me….
look you addiction is your business I can’t help you it’s not my job to help you…I was pulling on everything I had read and heard in meetings……I was still scared of him after his outburst the day before, if you want to use that’s fine I can’t stop that but I can choose not to pay for it, I can’t control you or your addiction but I can control what I do….phew I had said it, I felt good but bad at the same time, this was a huge risk if he was only with me for my money this would be the proof… I could loose him for ever….I have to go I say and hang up.
i went to work and in between jobs I read my SESH book, I came across a page, I opened the book at random….
It was a light switch moment… later in the day I phone my sponsor and asked if I could come back and start the steps again Yes of course! I felt so elated! I felt as though once again my HP had shown me the way I was thinking I had at last seen the light…it was making sense! I had done the right thing and my HP had guided me to this reading, to prove it!
I went home after I had finished work, happy my happiness was a little bit tinged with the sadness that he hadn’t called me since I said I couldn’t help. But wasnt really surprised. But after his out bust and how scared I had felt thought I was better off with out that sort of abuse in my life. If that had happened to a friend I would have told them to get out and quick!
When I got in I unpacked the car, and settled down, I went to get my iPad from where I left it and it wasn’t there. I looked around in place it should have been but Couldn’t find it. I was dumbfounded is probably the best word for it. The abuse I had endured the day before? He had taken it and knew he had it all the time? But still thought it was ok to make me feel scared for my safety!!! To shout at me to call me names and be generally abusive and threatening, when he knew he had my iPad in the car all the time! How dare he he had gone too far this time, to steal from me after all the kindness I had shown him, the unconditional love I had given him, and he thought it was alright to steal from me? No this time I would not let it go…he had stolen my phone but because I was still so in love with him and wanted him back I ignored it….I did something I have never done in my life before that went against everything I actualy believe in but felt this time I had no choice…. I phoned the police and reported it.