Resentments 

I spent years not reacting not responding just building up resentment – hardly healthy but didn’t know what else to do so did nothing. But the thing was i was doing something. I just wasn’t aware of it. 

I’ll be frank and honest ( I have to be!) as a child I learnt not to react not to be honest. One of my earliest memories was being totally honest and getting a slap. I probably reacted to that and cried but soon learnt that didn’t achieve anything. It didn’t stop or change what had happened but as a child it was the only way I knew how to express my hurt pain frustration. I remember crying a lot. I didn’t have the emotional vocabulary the self esteem to express myself any other way. I was a pretty sad kid. I was disliked in school by other kids because my parents taught their older brothers and sisters and then once I got to 11 went to the same school they taught in and was hated even more. We’re talking an age when punishment in school was often physical and it was the norm to  administer the cane, and often told of tales of what had happened in class and the consequences, so of course I was scared to ‘get in trouble’ in case I had some of the same. That threat whether real or imaginary hung over me all the time. It lead to mistrust lies and of course unhappiness. Even now I am thinking should I write this – but as an adult is not thro fear as such but because I dont want it to sound bad or negative. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings for something that happened a thousand years ago!! (40 I’m sometimes prone to exaggeration!) 

So the point is when I lived with someone in active addiction I sometimes reacted if it was something that was impacting on me, rarely responded but definitely was building up resentments! I learnt that reacting every time he wanted money only led to the next hour or so being badgered until I gave in, or going to the cash point to PROOVE there was no money in the account by actually trying to withdraw the money, which always led to something of mine being pawned or sold. So often just capitulated and if I had money gave it to him with out a fight because it was easier and I had already had a 13 hour day and couldn’t be arsed when the outcome would be the same – except I would be even more exhausted + £20 down! Of course this led to resentments building. But ultimately it was me that was responsible because I could have left him. Not so easy when you love someone to leave. I had the carrot of recovery dangled so of course I stayed – I had to see this thro! I had to be supportive but all the time resentments because it wasn’t happening, before he went to rehab I was resentful at the system at the drugs services for their stupid rules. I was resentful that I was paying £20+ a day to some dealer whilst I was working my ass off and had nothing for myself including food, so in fact was resentful at myself for doing this day in day out with nothing in return, but then I couldn’t see it. I can now and how all my resentments actually come back to how I reacted and not  responded to the situation I was in. I didn’t have my program for the first 2 years so wasn’t aware there was a better way to live, that I didn’t have to live in the crazy town of addiction. And respond the way I did. I certainly do not feel resentful to my HP or my program for me not being aware of them being there, because when  I found them I  still ignored what I needed to do but definitely don’t resent them. 

I like this journey of discovery – it’s hard, taking responsibility always is. But for me to progress I have to take a bit of pain now to negate the pain I have experienced, but better that than living in this deep seated pain for the rest of my life,  I have to face up to the denial get out of it and look at why these resentments have developed. I also know ( now) it’s my chance to hand them over I don’t have to challenge anyone for the pain I experienced even as I kid as an adult I can now learn to heal that inner child myself, to grow healthily – if it didn’t happen when I was younger it doesn’t matter – that only leads to resentment, so blame aside and move forward in the healing hands on my HP as I know she won’t let me down. 

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Back to the blog then! 

After a break I thought I would give you all an update if you are interested. After a short holiday in Cornwall, we came back to normality. I thought he had done very well he had been fairly well over the week we were away, we had some nice days out. Things weren’t too bad between us given the night before we left. Anyway I was expecting the question can we just go to…. On the way home and of course it came, it added an extra 2 hours to the journey I was tired and really didn’t need this shit on the way home but he promised the usual I won’t use until I get back to yours, it will only be 10 minutes…blah blah blah, heard it all before and knew it would be impossible for him to not use the minute he got his grubby paws on a fix! I suggested he stayed as he had to go back on the Monday to see his land lady – or so he said, but he didn’t want to. So on the Monday he disappeared back to mac and then came home a couple of days later. He had some money because he had got paid when we was away, so I wasn’t getting involved with it.

Then on the tuesday last week when he was paid again he said he had to go to pay his rent, he came with me to Liverpool and was going to find his own way ( by jumping the train probably! ) back to mac. He paid me some money  he owed me in fact he gave me it all short of a tenner which for him was good. He had said some dealers had been in his flat when he went down the week before so it wasn’t locked up. I voiced my opinion that I thought it was risky leaving them there by themselves – not coz he has anything to steal but because letting them work out of there would be an instant eviction if the land lady found out. But hey non of my business! He called later to say he was going to see his sister that night and stop over, which I was cool with and that his crisis loan that he had applied for to go on holiday with should be in his account on Wednesday so was going to buy some trackies for detox, and then come home. He went shopping but didn’t come home! He said his mate was staying over as had just come out of jail and had no where to stay but would be back in the moring. I wasn’t too pleased but thought well he hasn’t seen him in a while and as long as he’s not asking me for money it’s no big deal. No actually what I thought was Bollox he’s going to be using with his mate and I could do with out this! Any way I am trying not to get involved with his using and giving my opinion on it as its not my life but his so kept quiet. He called Thursday morning to ask what time the train was back so I gave him two times but he never came back. He had now missed 2 days meth, and had been told that it would be stopped if he didn’t attend, so I reminded him of that, he said it was fine the chemist doesn’t close til 11:30pm and he would be home well before then. Of course I was more concerned with whether this was all bull shit and he was with her in Bolton. Then I got a call about 2pm  could I help him out? His mate had gone off to score and not come back he hadn’t had his meth he was really ill,…. The usual shit, I explained that I was skint, after the holiday and the fact I had had to borrow some money myself due to needing two new tyres for the car, it was not really very convenient to give him money. I ended up killing or hanging up the phone over 30 times. But when he is like that he refuses to take no for an answer. In the end I transferred twenty quid into his bank on the promise that he would be on the 6:20 train home, he didn’t come back. He turned up on Friday. I don’t know if he got his meth, I wasn’t really bothered. I was going away for the weekend, but he had received a call from the detox unit with a date for him to go. Wednesday this week! I went away and had a nice time with the family, they met the dog and all was good. I came home early on the Sunday because I had got some plants that needed to go in at the allotment so came home early so I had time to plant them in the afternoon. I was  tired from the drive, and he was sat there in his coat looking all pathetic. It was a lovely day so I knew he couldn’t be cold. What up with you? Ill was the response. Ill ill? Or rattling ill? Rattling, oh well that’s coz you have been hammering it since we got back from Cornwall – the sympathy stakes have been whittled away, I couldn’t care less if he’s rattling now. Can you help me? No. Come on love I am ill I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t. But you are always ill! So you are always asking… You are as bad now as when we were together in Mac, I don’t want it or need it.

You don’t want me here do you?

No not when you are like this no I don’t!

You seem to have given up trying, you did a week in Cornwall and since we got back you have used every day except one! You have detox in 4 days you are going to be really Ill if you continue using, you will be rattling and coming off meth.

I am going to be brief about the next bit, all I am going to say is this he took my car and my phone which had my bank cards in it. Since he took my bank card one night and took out money that I could little afford I keep the card with me at night in my phone case. I honestly thought he had gone to morecambe to score. It wasn’t until about an hour later when he hadn’t come back and I tried to call him and he didn’t answer the phone that I started to panic. There was not much fuel in the car, but I was staring to think he must have gone to Bolton because 1 he was refusing to answer the phone and 2 the length of time he had been gone. I went on line and saw he had indeed used my card and taken out £30 ten in Carnforth and £20 in Bolton, I went ballistic! I phoned again and again but he killed the call and then switched off the phone. I transferred all the money in the account into one he couldn’t access, and txt him to call me. He didn’t. So he had gone to see her before going into detox? If he was just buying drugs that would be bad enough but there was no reason for him not to answer the phone if that was all he was doing. I was livid. Taking the car and my phone was bad enough but spending money that was for something else no that was the last straw. By 8pm he still hadn’t come back. I contacted work as was at a loss as to what to do. I needed my car to get to work, this wasn’t on. I said I would have to get the train, but it would mean an early start for me but thought I could manage it. There was a train at 7:40 that got me in so I could get to where I had to be. But kept hoping he would return. By 11pm I gave up. I went to bed but didn’t sleep. The alarm went off at 6 but I had hardly slept every time I heard a car go past, a door slam, I was awake was it him? I decided to phone in sick, I was too tired to go to work and didn’t know what to do for the best.

I was physically and mentally exhausted. But I was thinking this is because of detox one last blast before he goes in he will be back later….but he wasn’t. I had to think ahead. I needed my cards back I needed bloody everything back, but how long to wait?  I knew new cards would take at least 5 days the phone about a day or so the last time I had to have it replaced because I lost it it was about 2 days. If he didn’t come back for detox then what? I am working away next week should have been working this bloody week! I need to have my cards phone and preferably my car back by then! I decided I had no choice I had to report them all stolen. I started with the cards, those would be the easiest. 5 working days so it could be Monday next week. Not ideal but ok. Then I knew I would need a crime number for the phone. So would have to contact the police first. This was a bit tricky…. He wasn’t insured to drive the car and it had been over 24 hours so  they would be asking why I didn’t just report it straight away….well because I thought to start with he had just gone to  morecambe 6 miles down the road… Even when I realised he had gone to Bolton I still expected him back the same night, and to be honest even though I was majorly pissed off that he had taken money out of my account, I still thought he would be back for detox, and foolishly believed him when he said that’s what he wanted to do! I thought reporting it to the police would be more hassle than it was worth, he had used the car before but only to go to Morecambe, and even though I knew it was wrong it was sometimes easier than getting dressed at night and driving him to score. But I had given him fair warning! I had said answer my text call me or I WILL have to report the car as stolen and he still refused to do so, so all in all I think i was fair leaving it 26 hours before telling the police. How much more do you want to know??? It was Tuesday before I gave a statement  it’s never as straight forward as you think it will be. The officer that took the statement didn’t ring back with a crime number then when I got it either the officer that gave it to me gave me the wrong number or maybe ( but I dispute this) I wrote it down wrong, so when I emailed the phone company with the details they didn’t process it , but didn’t call me to tell me! The car insurance people are just a bunch of numpties that haven’t a fooking clue! When I phoned to see how long they usually took before they decide the car is not going to be retrieved they didn’t know and kept asking whether I was going to press charges or not and even when I said but I have given a statement and said I will go to court wanted proof that I said I would press charges! I kept asking what proof do you need but they couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me, so ended up with me having to phone the police back and ask them to tell them, but and here’s the good bit….they aren’t allowed to do that because of data protection for fucks sake!!! By 4:30 yesterday afternoon I was ready to commit hari Kari!

In the mean time I had been onto find my phone app and could see where my phone was, my work emails , all my bookings for the year so far were disappearing and being deleted, ( not by me) any emails locating my phone’s location were also being deleted even tho the phone was supposed to be blocked! So I contacted the police in Bolton to tell them where my phone was and said I assume my car will be in the area too. It wasn’t, but at least they looked for me. Bolton isn’t in my county and my police force hadn’t informed the Bolton police that I had an address, so that pissed me off too. Bolton police come under greater Manchester police and I am sure that they are over stretched with all the cuts but you know what’s? They treated me with far more respect and understanding than my local police force did, so well done GMP! So that’s about it so far….it’s pretty shit living in the country with no car or cash card. One bus an hour to get to the nearest town that has my bank to take out money so over 21/2 hours to get to Morecambe and back just to go to the bank. Do I feel bad for reporting him to the police? For the inconviences alone no I don’t! Do I want to see him again most definitely not, do I feel sorry for him? Yes if that is what addiction makes you do then yes but if that’s just him not giving a shit about how his behaviour will impact on me then no, but more importantly I care about how his behaviour impacts on me – do not accept the unacceptable is a catch phrased used in my fellowship, in the last 72 hours I have experienced the unacceptable and will not accept it. So I guess that means I have moved on, I am learning and can rest easy in knowing that it’s ok to put me first.

I assume he didn’t make detox? He called me Wednesday morning. No doubt to ask for money and said the car had run out of fuel I asked him where it was he refused to tell me I said you know what? You could have told me it ran out of fuel 3 days ago but you didn’t and hung up. I haven’t heard back.😔

Don’t suppose this will be the end of it…. I don’t doubt for a minute that he won’t be in touch either when they arrest him or find the car and then arrest him but I doubt very much this is the end of it, but this time for me it most definitely is. If you have read the blog from start to now you know I have said this is it the end blah blah blah but this time I see it for what it is and for what he is, and I don’t like him any more. Before I blamed the drugs the addiction, but it goes far deeper. On my journey to recovery I have learnt what I find acceptable and what is not and this is not and I will not accept it. He does not deserve me or my kindness, and we all know kindness is not a weakness and should never ever been seen as such.

For now readers I say bye and wish you peace x

And so to the new year and the end of my story….

so in between Christmas and new year we stayed in macclesfield and came back to mine for the New Year….I don’t know why we bothered really. He was back in active addiction by now, using every day and of course the methadone. I have posted about New Years Day earlier in my blog so won’t repeat it. I wasn’t in work until the 5th so on the Friday we had to go back to Mac so he could pick up his script. I was working in Manchester on the Monday so I think we stayed at his for the weekend. So I wasn’t wasting money on fuel. I had a little job in the moring and I am not sure if he came with me or not but after I finished I either went back to Mac to pick him up or he was with me and we went to score. I think I came back for him as he scored in Mac, dealers were back now they had had their Christmas break! So inconsiderate didn’t they know I had to drive all over Cheshire and Lancashire trying to score lol! We then went to the leisure centre so he could have a dig. Work called me when I was waiting. It was only the 5th Jan and my money was running low already, but he had promised to give me the £100 he owed me the next day when he got his benefits. I have already explained what happened next (see 5th Jan post if you want to know) so after he came back to the car I dropped him off home and went back to mine so I could work from home. I still don’t fully understand what happened. He has said he didn’t want to drag me down. I think he had played me all the time. He had no intention of stopping using. He used me for the money until his benefits came through, and then dumped me. But this is the bit that I can’t work out. He knew he could use me for money. So maybe just maybe that little part of him that still has some decency left decided to letting me go was the right thing to do. Maybe he could see a change in me how ever slight, I was using language he had heard in rehab, he would pull me up for it. Saying why you using that term? We are not in groups now!  And I would say but yes I am though I am still in my fellowship even if you are not. I am putting in to practice what I have learnt or at least trying to. Maybe he knew this time it wouldn’t be as easy. He would have to work a little bit harder to get his money. That he knew I didn’t want to live in a life of addiction any more. It’s now been 11 days since he last phoned. My mobile is still blocked to him. He can call the house phone at the moment, but I am thinking of getting a bar on that too. Maybe I am not ready to cut my ties completly? Maybe I like the thought of him wanting me, even if it’s just for money, just to have a bit of a verbal sparring match to see who wins? But if I am thinking like that then he has won. 

So there you have it. What brought me here. I think my posts will be fewer now. I will read back and see if I have missed anything significant. No doubt I will remember something I haven’t told you. If I continue to write it will now be about my journey, through the steps. I might revisit things and analyse what I have done. What I would do differently. Maybe I will look at the impact on me. 

When you live in the chaotic world of addiction, you can’t see much. My life became second place, no probably even further down than that.  I am not anti drugs. I think some people can use them safely like drink. But some people can’t. Addiction any addiction creeps up slowly. You don’t even know it’s happening. My life had become unmanageable. I should be happy that I am free of that. But I doesn’t stop me loving the man I met. I know that I will never see that man again. I wish I could. Maybe one day he will make the break for real. All I ever wanted was that man back. That’s why I held out time after time, lie after lie, broken promise after broken promise, I understood it was the drugs that made him behave like this. I believed in him. I believed he wanted to be free, to be the man I had met. Addiction killed us both. The fun loving people we were eroded away. We became obsessed with money ( or at least lack of it) getting the next bag, me finding ways to restrict his usage him trying to find a new believable lie to get more money from me. We existed we didn’t live. He said once because I didn’t want him grafting it was the longest he had stayed out of prison and on the drugs. He said he usually had a bit of a break from it if he went to jail.  He said his life of crime was over, that he wanted a good life with me. He thanked me for keeping him out of jail. He said he wanted us to be together which is why he didn’t go out grafting unless he really had to. We tried to live we tried to be normal do normal couple things at the weekends, go on holidays. We did. I don’t know how ill he was when we were away, he said the meth held him. And we sometimes had fun. I will hang on to the good times we had, because although there weren’t many when we were away from accessing drugs we did have a good time together. I don’t know if he really loved me. But if he didn’t then maybe he should go into acting because he played a very good part. Maybe he was just grateful….but for now let me believe he did love me even if it was only for a little while. This is now getting emotional for me so I will stop. Thank you for reading. 

Karen x 

Bringing the story up to speed….

i am aware that I have tended to jump about abit it wasn’t my intention as I have said before I had meant to start at the beginning and work my way thro. I didn’t think I would still have contact, when I started, I thought this will be a great way of helping me put it to sleep, a record of what happened and had then hoped to start on my journey through the the 12 steps, maybe just voicing the problems I was encountering and it more becoming a diary. I thought by now I would be telling you all about boring life stuff! So I am now going to try really hard to stay focused and catch up with events as they happened not as they are happening! I will hold off that until I catch up, then it can be an as it happens blog.

So he came back to mine with the promise of a home detox. The first day he stayed in bed slept most the day and night, or at least was sleeping when I checked on him. I thought well maybe just maybe this time he is going for it, but reminded my self that this was only the first day we had done this before! He ate some food but said he was feeling ill, but I didn’t expect anything else. He had looked shocking lost loads of weight. This was different from before. At least when we had been together he had the meth, that held off the worse of the rattle starting he could manage a couple of days before it kicked in. But this time all he had was some medication from the doctors, I didnt probe what they were, he was always very Cagey about talking about stuff, probably cos he was lying!

The next day he asked if we could go out. I was surprised I didn’t think he would be up to it. Where you want to go?

Dont mind love you decide just want to get out the house before you go back to work tomorrow…

ok Blackpool?

Yeah

ok well you know it’s the week before pay day so I haven’t got loads of money so don’t want me to be buying beer and meals out!

No love that’s fine just be nice to see the sea! Have missed us going out places.

yeah me too!

I don’t really go places with out a reason when I am alone. I will go somewhere if I have a purpose but don’t just take myself off. I used to when I had the dogs used to go somewhere nice for a walk but don’t really have the motivation when I am alone.

So we have a brew and off we go. As we are getting close to the turn off for Blackpool he says I am not feeling well….

oh you want to go home?

No but do you think there is any chance I could go and get a thing , please love you know I don’t like asking but I feel really ill, and then we could go to Blackpool and have a good time.

No I can’t afford for you to buy drugs and then go to Blackpool it’s one or the other….

i am really ill it’s no further than Blackpool you won’t be using any more fuel,

K it’s and extra 60 mile round trip to macclesfield…

Not to Bolton….

Bolton? You want me to go to Bolton? Where she lives!

Come on love I can get sorted really quick then we can get something to eat later….

In my head I am screaming NO no I don’t want to pay for your drugs but what can I do? You’re  here in my car why do you always get me into this situation where I feel as though I can’t get out of it with out giving in? Why when  the last thing I want to do is enable you you make it so difficult not to? I am trying to give you reader an understanding of what it’s like for me. When this happens. There was no point in going to Blackpool he would just sulk and say he felt ill and not get out the car…. I could go home but then what I would have him in the house rattling, he gets moody and snappy I don’t want that. I can’t afford to go to macclesfield and back home then back to macclesfield. My head was spinning….  Ok ok I will take you to Bolton,

aw thanks love! 😄

we go to Bolton he makes a few calls and I go to the bank take out £20. He says I promise I won’t use til we get back to yours.

Ok I say…..thinking I doubt it!

We go up a street and he tells me to wait gets out and waits for the drop on the corner. He disappeared. I think ok here we go I am in for a wait, but after about 10 mins he comes back….I need a chemist.

Ok

I know one ( of course he does!)

the chemist is on a main road there is parking out side he asks if I have any money for a drink says he is thirsty. He goes to the chemist and comes back with a bottle of water and his pins. I start the car. Wait he says….

He gets out his gear and opens the pack from the chemist. He is about to use right in front of me in my car in broad daylight on a high street! I feel sick. But why can’t I say anything? I couldn’t I wanted to cry….he had never done this before. I didn’t know what to do….what if someone came past it might be a Sunday but it was early  afternoon! I looked away I didn’t know what else to do. He cooked up and injected himself….this was a step beyond….he must have been desperate but in front of me? I knew he couldn’t wait he never could but in the car in broad daylight…..disgusted didn’t come close.

we went back home I was furious. We packed up our stuff and put things in the car…can we take the iPad love? Well there isn’t much point I say you will just put it in cash converters! I was laughing when I said it but we both knew it was the truth. I had very little money left to get me through to pay day. I had spent an extra £80 on drugs that I hadn’t really budgeted for in the last week I had to get to birmingham later in the week ( I wasn’t sure how I could afford it but thought I might get the train so I could use the works credit card)!i had a couple of hospital jobs so needed the cash I had for parking. I did actually have about £70 but any more hits for drugs and I would be shafted!

We set off and when we were about 20 miles from Macc  he asked to borrow my phone, he made a couple of calls. Do you think we could go to Congleton? What for? ( as if I didn’t know ) I dont have any more money! Come on love I know you have? I am not well you could help me if you wanted.

I have £12 I need £10 for parking tomorrow….

i know you have more money you’re just making it hard for me…

no I am not I don’t have any more money!

I don’t know why I drove to Congleton but I knew I had to somehow keep him on side, I couldn’t afford to drive home I didn’t want us to fall out I was starting to panic the old feelings of fear creeping back.

What have you got in your purse?

i don’t know have a look….

theres only £12

i told you that

how much have u got in the bank?

I have about 15 but I need it for work….

we had pulled up in front of the coop. Go and get it out on cash back.

no

this isn’t enough – he was getting angry, I need more money you have it go and get it for me I need it now! He was shouting at me I felt scared, I mean really scared I was frightened for the first time that he might hit me, I had never seen him like this before. There was real anger in his eyes I had never seen him look like this before,  They won’t give me anything for this £12 isn’t enough!

No I say, I needed the money I had, I shouldn’t have to justify how I spent my money to him or anyone else. He got out the car slamming the door. In my head I said God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change ( him) to change the things I can ( me) and the wisdom to know the difference ( I can’t help him only myself)

about 15 minutes later he came back….I don’t know if he got what he wanted but he was in a better mood.

We went to the flat, and went to bed. Before we went to sleep he asked what time I was leaving in the morning. About 9:30 well I will have to get up early and do some grafting ( robbing) so I can score if you won’t help me. You do what you have to do. I can’t give you what I haven’t got.

He left early but did make me a brew before he left! I went to work and he called me, babe please I am really ill please help me….

K I cant I cant afford it,

i have been out all morning but can’t get anything I need you to help me….

look you addiction is your business I can’t help you it’s not my job to help you…I was pulling on everything I had read and heard in meetings……I was still scared of him after his outburst the day before, if you want to use that’s fine I can’t stop that but I can choose not to pay for it, I can’t control you or your addiction but I can control what I do….phew I had said it, I felt good but bad at the same time, this was a huge risk if he was only with me for my money this would be the proof… I could loose him for ever….I have to go I say and hang up.

i went to work and  in between jobs I read my SESH book, I came across a page, I opened the book at random….

image

It was a light switch moment… later in the day I phone my sponsor and asked if I could come back and start the steps again Yes of course! I felt so elated! I felt as though once again my HP had shown me the way I was thinking I had at last seen the light…it was making sense! I had done the right thing and my HP had guided me to this reading, to prove it!

I went home after I had finished work, happy my happiness was a little bit tinged with the sadness that he hadn’t called me since I said I couldn’t help. But wasnt really surprised. But after his out bust and how scared I had felt thought I was better off with out that sort of abuse in my life. If that had happened to a friend I would have told them to get out and quick!

When I got in I unpacked the car, and settled down, I went to get my iPad from where I left it and it wasn’t there. I looked around in place it should have been but Couldn’t find it. I was dumbfounded is probably the best word for it. The abuse I had endured the day before? He had taken it and knew he had it all the time? But still thought it was ok to make me feel scared for my safety!!! To shout at me to call me names and be generally abusive and threatening, when he knew he had my iPad in the car all the time! How dare he he had gone too far this time, to steal from me after all the kindness I had shown him, the unconditional love I had given him, and he thought it was alright to steal from me? No this time I would not let it go…he had stolen my phone but because I was still so in love with him and wanted him back I ignored it….I did  something I have never done in my life before that went against everything I actualy believe in but felt this time I had no choice…. I phoned the police and reported it.

19/4/14

I found myself down a side street in Manchester just outside the centre. I found the house easily enough but my heart was racing I felt sick because I knew what he was going to say, and was trying so hard to focus on what I needed to say to him, that I understood that it was hard for him that he did have to be able to stand on his own two feet but we could work together on his recovery. I had been to a few meetings of my own fellowship and thought I understood a bit more about his programme and wanted to explain that I knew what I had done by enabling him was wrong. That we had been living in chaos and denial and that didn’t have to happen in the future. I had started to recognise some of my shortcomings and things that I had done wrong, in the course of the relationship especially towards the end, before he went into detox, I didn’t want this to be all in vain. The pain and suffering that we had shared. I wanted to have a chance at a normal relationship with him when he was sober. I understood that the way we had treated each other was a product of the drug use not of us as a couple. Not who we were, or at least not who I was. I disliked the woman I had become, there was little fun, he had shut me off from my friends, money spent on going out and having a laugh was money not spent on drugs. Money not spent on looking after my appearance was money better spent on drugs. He said I was hung up on money, yes because he had made me that way. Before we met I could go out when I wanted ( ok towards the end of the month I wasn’t rich) I had been use to buying clothes, good quality clothes, shoes because I liked them not cheap £5 shoes from Primark because the shoes I had on were that old my feet were wet, because the soles of the ones I had were down to the cardboard insole. I had a lot of resentment built up and because I was so weak and couldn’t let him down I didn’t outwardly complain, if I did he always came back with some rebuff, you look fine the clothes you have look nice, you don’t need to go out with them people, I will be here by myself, and you don’t want me to get into trouble do you? If I said anything about his drug use and the money, he would just say well I will go out and graft, I thought you didn’t want me getting into trouble with the police? So I always gave in. So yes I had become very passive aggressive. Rather than stand up to him, i was sarcastic, I spoke to him like he was a child that didn’t know better, I snipped, complained about the smallest thing, because I couldn’t say what I really wanted to, which was I don’t want to give you the money I don’t want to live like this, I want my life back…sometimes I did say it but it never changed the drug use, the demands ( which is what they became) for money didn’t stop. So I gave it begrudgingly, and hated this man but still wanted the other man back.
So there I was outside the house that had changed his feeling towards me. The plans that WE had made for the future were slipping away, I didn’t understand it, I didn’t understand enough of what he wanted, or why he didn’t want me in his life any more. Because I think I knew the painful truth was I served no purpose any more, he didn’t need me now he was free from addiction, well in recovery. But I couldn’t even think that subconsciously of course, I must have thought it but right now I didn’t think it not even for one second. How many times had he said to me, all I want is to get off this shit, I hate being like this, we can have a good life together once I am off this stuff. Why wouldn’t I believe it?
So I get out of my car and walk up to the steps of this big Victorian red brick house. I knock on the door. A man opens it, can I help you? Yes I have come to see K. And you are? I didn’t know who I was any more…his girlfriend?? I answer. Oh yeah right, he needs to speak to you right? My head was racing again, does he? What have you lot said to change his feelings so much, in the space of 4 weeks he has gone from loving me to having no room in his life for me, 4 weeks ago in detox he said he loved me….I said nothing, he shouted K visitor….he came. He looked well, his face had filled out again, he had had a proper haircut, he was dressed in clothes I recognised, but he looked good. This was so hard, I still had such strong feelings for him, seeing him like that reminded me of the first time I had met him for a date, I fancied the arse off him! But this time could very possibly be the last time I would see him so I was also filled with immense fear, and a desperation to do anything to keep him. We went to the back of the house, you can’t come in my room he said it wasn’t said in a nice way but really roughly almost as if he was doing me a favour in seeing me at all and I was the last person on earth that he wanted to speak too! I suppose I was! I replied I didn’t expect I could. So we went into the kitchen and he asked if I wanted a brew. Am I going to be here long enough I thought? Yes please. Thanks for coming his voice was less harsh, it’s a long way on your day off. Then he kissed me! Talk about mixed messages…I stepped back a bit unsure what was going on. Now my head really was racing he kissed me? So is everything ok? have I totally misunderstood what he was saying on the phone? We sat down and he tried to make small talk repeating stuff I had already seen on Facebook and he had already told me on the phone, trivial stuff mainly about him! He didn’t ask about me, but that was ok I didn’t want to talk about me, I just wanted to keep myself together to focus on everything he said so I could calmly talk about it if I needed to.
My calmness lasted all of a minute! He repeated what he had said to me on the phone, I tried to take it in he really was saying he couldn’t be with me any more….

Why babe I don’t understand why?

I need to focus on this I can’t if your in my life, I can’t be with you if I am in here….

Yes you said that before but when you are out of here will you come back to me?

I don’t know. I can’t think about the future I have to focus on today I can’t think that far a head, ( this was 12 steps talking not K, I had read enough and knew enough about my programme to understand the language used) maybe we will be I don’t know!

I wasn’t going to make this easy for him, and he wouldn’t just come out with it and say we were finished, it was all maybes, I don’t know…of course I knew what he was saying but I refused to let this go. If he said I don’t want to be with you any more, I am sorry, then I would accept it but all this I don’t know what will happen in the future shit was making it harder and worse, because it was giving me hope that we would get back together. So I said, so that’s it then you don’t want me in your life I have served my purpose and now you have no use for me?
No no that’s not what I am saying but right now I can’t be with you,
so you want me to wait?
I don’t know I don’t know how long I will be in here. I hate it here I want to use its really hard work I haven’t even done my life story yet…..he was half talking to me as normal then would throw I can’t be with you into the conversation. I think I was crying by now everything I had rehearsed in my head had gone, I had wanted to be calm and in control, I wanted to be able to put forward a good reason why we should be together after every thing we had been through we both deserved to see if we could make this work. And if it didn’t then we could go our separate ways. But I couldn’t get the words out, I tried and tried but what ever I did say wasn’t having any impact on him. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me any more. My life and future hopes and dreams were being torn away from me, my heart was breaking, I don’t think I had ever experienced this much pain in my life. But it was mainly because I couldn’t see or understand why. If he had said the way you treated me was horrible and I don’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t have liked it but would have understood. If he had said I don’t love you any more, I would have understood, if he had said I treated you so badly and I am ashamed every time I look at you it will remind me I would have understood. Even if he had said because I am clean and I associate you with taking drugs and might relapse, that would have been something, but no he wanted us to be friends, to part on good terms ( of course that makes it easier for him) he wants us not to be together whilst he is in there. He wants to know that if he is visiting his mum and I am there then I won’t be upset by him being there!
Really?? Do you really expect me to visit your mum if we are not together? I ask him.
Well you get on well.
Yes but she is your mother! I see her because of you! How can me and her be friends I will want to know what you are doing want to know how you are, I can’t sit there having a cup of tea and have you walk in, it will kill me.

This conversation went around in circles for about 2 hours. I was worn out and yet had so much I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words, I had them before I arrived, I don’t know if you have ever experienced that? You want to say something and you knew what you wanted to say but because of upset, panic, pain the words just won’t formulate in your head. I was alive I was breathing I could hear I could speak my body was working it was a beautiful warm day we had sat out in the sun but I was cold my brain was dead, numb and my heart felt like it was torn into a million pieces.
I was only allowed a 2 hour visit – so he said so I had to go. He walked me out to the car, he hugged me so tight and covered my face in kisses I am so sorry he said again and again.
Then why??? But he couldn’t or wouldn’t answer.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
But you have I don’t want to live without you!
I have to go, I am sorry….I still have your iPod, do you want it back?
keep it K, just go.
I get in the car as I drive past, he is on the steps up to the house he waves me good bye, I am crying my life is over.
I believe that this is going to be the last time I see him or have any contact, if it had been I might not be writing this!

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