Today I had a phone call, as soon as I saw the name on the screen I knew it wasnt going to be good news. I held off answering but curiosity got the better of me!
For the last 3 weeks I have tried very hard to put K out of my mind. I had come to terms with if anything bad happened I probably wouldn’t be told, by that I mean I didn’t expect to get a phone call to tell me that his suffering had ended. He visits me most nights of course in my dreams. We are usually happy together or I am looking for him. But day to day I had accepted that I had no place in his life any more. He used me for what he could get and treated me fairly badly.
It was his brother in law on the phone, have you seen K? He asks me.
Had I seen K? No not since the new year, I proceeded to tell him that I hadn’t seen or heard from him since the 5th Jan, that I thought he just didn’t want to be with me any more, so hadn’t pressed it or gone looking for him.
We haven’t hd any contact from him since New Years Day, he says.
Shit! Look C I am worried now I thought it was just me, that he didn’t want to be with me, when I called his phone on the Monday it just rang til the answer phone kicked in, ( he asked me to call him at 5 when I finished work I had spoken to him 2 hours earlier he was fine,) but when I called him the Tuesday it was off and went straight to answer phone. Like I say I just assumed he didn’t want to be with me. Please let me know if you hear or find out ANYTHING alive or not I need to know!
Ok will do bye,
bye I say.
So much for my closure. So I am here now not knowing if he is alive or dead but I care! Part of me hopes he is at peace, that his awful tormented life is over, that my worse nightmares have come true, so he is out of the agony of addiction, and that he truely did want to be with me. And even if he didn’t he was genuinely showing me love or at least affection when we said good bye that afternoon. But part of me wants him to be alive. For his family. For his family to phone me is massive. They don’t like me much as I have said in previous posts so for them to be so worried that they have phoned me to see if he is ok, is really a big thing. Of course I don’t wish him dead, I want for him to have just treated me like a complete bastard and been as nasty and uncaring as I have started to believe, but alive! He has never disappeared completely with out trace. His family are important to him, he always stays in touch, even if it’s just C. He needs to feel cared about, he is a very loving family orientated man, it hurts him so much that his mum chose her own life over him but he loves her for all his bravado. Saying he doesn’t care about her, he does he just wants her love.
i have to face reality tho, that he could very much so be dead. I think his family are thinking that too. I told C that he was using again, that I wasn’t happy and I thought that was one of the reasons that he didn’t want to be with me. Why he just disappeared.
When something like this happens I guess it’s natural to play back everything you have said in your head? Just a couple or so days before we had been talking about his funeral arrangements. He wanted to be cremated, he said his mum would want him buried, but I promised him I would take his ashes back to Cornwall, he loved it there and loved the sea so I said I would set him free there. He was a little preoccupied with death, I think I might have mentioned it before, but I guess any addict knows he is only one pin away from death. He was very sensitive to how others saw him, I called him some awful things that last day I said he was a bully that the only thing he cared about was getting his next fix, that once again he had been given the chance to get himself clean and out of this godforsaken addiction but no he chose to use again, he knew best, when blatantly he didn’t. He didn’t care about me that he only thought of himself, that he had left me in a very difficult situation with no money for fuel to get to work….again. But when I spoke to him a few hours later he was fine, moaning about his leg, about using a different place to inject. But That conversation was what I thought triggered him not wanting to be with me. So I guess I felt it was partly my fault that he didn’t want to be with me, I hadnt learnt enough from my programme, to release with love and let it be. I had to have my say, even at the risk of hurting him because I was hurting too.
So if you are an addict, and you think your family don’t care if you live or die, they do, you might feel shame and disgust at yourself especially if you have relapsed, feel no self worth, can’t understand why any one would care, but we do. It the not knowing that is the hardest thing to deal with. I thought I could move on. That I had no place in his life,it wasn’t easy to accept but I had accepted it. Now? Now I am back in the limbo and hurt and pain of not knowing if he is alive or dead, and that is far more difficult to live with. I no longer have the closure I had tried so hard to get. Addiction can be selfish but real people are dragged in to the addicts addiction, any one that knows them is affected by it. The worry, the concern. I had hoped that I could just catch up on my story and move on to my recovery and either share that with you or close down my blog, it seems for now at least my story is to continue…….