Trying to move on…..

Today  I had a phone call, as soon as I saw the name on the screen I knew it wasnt going to be good news. I held off answering but curiosity got the better of me!

For the last 3 weeks I have tried very hard to put K out of my mind. I had come to terms with if anything bad happened I probably wouldn’t be told, by that I mean I didn’t expect to get a phone call to tell me that his suffering had ended. He visits me most nights of course in my dreams. We are usually happy together or I am looking for him. But day to day I had accepted that I had no place in his life any more. He used me for what he could get and treated me fairly badly.

It was his brother in law on the phone, have you seen K? He asks me.

Had I seen K? No not since the new year, I proceeded to tell him that I hadn’t seen or heard from him since the 5th Jan, that I thought he just didn’t want to be with me any more, so hadn’t pressed it or gone looking for him.

We haven’t hd any contact from him since New Years Day, he says.

Shit! Look C I am worried now I thought it was just me, that he didn’t want to be with me, when I called his phone on the Monday it just rang til the answer phone kicked in, ( he asked me to call him at 5 when I finished work I had spoken to him 2 hours earlier he was fine,) but when I called him the Tuesday it was off and went straight to answer phone. Like I say I just assumed he didn’t want to be with me. Please let me know if you hear or find out ANYTHING alive or not I need to know!

Ok will do bye,

bye  I say.

So much for my closure. So I am here now not knowing if he is alive or dead but I care! Part of me hopes he is at peace, that his awful tormented life is over, that my worse nightmares have come true, so he is out of the agony of addiction, and that he truely did want to be with me. And even if he didn’t he was genuinely showing me love or at least affection when we said good bye that afternoon.  But part of me wants him to be alive. For his family. For his family to phone me is massive. They don’t like me much as I have said in previous posts so for them to be so worried that they have phoned me to see if he is ok, is really a big thing. Of course I don’t wish him dead, I want for him to have just treated me like a complete bastard and been as nasty and uncaring as I have started to believe, but alive! He has never disappeared completely with out trace. His family are important to him, he always stays in touch, even if it’s just C. He needs to feel cared about, he is a very loving family orientated man,  it hurts him so much that his mum chose her own life over him but he loves her for all his bravado. Saying he doesn’t care about her, he does he just wants her love.

i have to face reality tho, that he could very much so be dead. I think his family are thinking that too. I told C that he was using again, that I wasn’t happy and I thought that was one of the reasons that he didn’t want to be with me. Why he just disappeared.

When something like this happens I guess it’s natural to play back everything you have said in your head? Just a couple or so days before we had been talking about his funeral arrangements. He wanted to be cremated, he said his mum would want him buried, but I promised him I would take his ashes back to Cornwall, he loved it there and loved the sea so I said I would set him free there. He was a little preoccupied with death, I think I might have mentioned it before, but I guess any addict knows he is only one pin away from death. He was very sensitive to how others saw him, I called him some awful things that last day I said he was a bully that the only thing he cared about was getting his next fix, that once again he had been given the chance to get himself clean and out of this godforsaken addiction but no he chose to use again, he knew best, when blatantly he didn’t. He didn’t care about me that he only thought of himself, that he had left me in a very difficult situation with no money for fuel to get to work….again. But when I spoke to him a few hours later he was fine, moaning about his leg, about using a different place to inject. But That conversation was what I thought triggered him not wanting to be with me. So I guess I felt it was partly my fault that he didn’t want to be with me,  I hadnt learnt enough from my programme, to release with love and let it be. I had to have my say, even at the risk of hurting him because I was hurting too.

So if you are an addict, and you think your family don’t care if you live or die, they do, you might feel shame and disgust at yourself especially if you have relapsed, feel no self worth, can’t understand why any one would care, but we do. It the not knowing that is the hardest thing to deal with. I thought I could move on. That I had no place in his life,it wasn’t easy to accept but I had accepted it. Now? Now I am back in the limbo and hurt and pain of not knowing if he is alive or dead, and that is far more difficult to live with. I no longer have the closure I had tried so hard to get. Addiction can be selfish but real people are dragged in to the addicts addiction, any one that knows them is affected by it. The worry, the concern. I had hoped that I could just catch up on my story and move on to my recovery and either share that with you or close down my blog, it seems for now at least my story is to continue…….

Advertisements

The next few days….

I was devastated….I hurt so badly, it was so very hard for me to understand why he didn’t want to be with me any more. I tried hard to understand I really did. I think possibly one of the reasons I found it so hard was I rarely lie. I would never lie about my feelings towards some one. So when he said he loved me I had no reason not to believe it. When he said again and again that once he was in rehab and clean that we could have a good life together, I believed it. When he said he hated being on drugs and methadone I believed it. He had said all those things less than 4 weeks ago so why had he changed his mind. Guilt? For the way he treated me, for bullying me. Now he was sober was he feeling bad for all the awful things he had done? But I always told him I knew it was the drugs that made him do things, the bad things. The next few days were a bit of a blur… I think I went to work, but in the evening was drinking too much, I thought it helped but in reality just compounded my feelings of not wanting to live with out him. I felt as though I had been betrayed, that every thing that had happened was for what? What possible reason would there be for all of this last 2 years if this was the end of it? My life has been turned on its head. It’s bad enough when a relationship comes to an end, but for me having dealt with a world that I knew so little about, having put myself in risky situations that most normal people wouldn’t experience, because I knew it wouldn’t last for ever, and now nothing.
After work one day I went back to the flat, I still had some things there so thoughts had better remove them. Plus I thought it needed cleaning and the rubbish put out. I left the photos of us together. I thought I am not going to make this that easy for you, you might want to wipe me from your memory but I will remind you when you walk in that I did exist! I also wrote a long letter, saying I didn’t understand why. That I was heart broken, but respected that he didn’t want me to be in contact with him, but if he changed his mind to please contact me.
I left my keys and drove home.
So I came home. I text him to say I had taken my things and left my keys. He had said something about me staying in the flat whilst he was in rehab, but that would have just been wrong.
I can’t remember exactly when I got a Facebook message, but it was within a week of me seeing him. It was from someone I knew vaguely. She asked if I had seen his Facebook wall? I hadn’t. I had tried to be good and not look at what he was doing because I knew if he was behaving as if nothing had happened that would hurt me all the more. So I looked!
If I had felt pain before this was far worse….his profile photo his wall was covered in photos of him and another girl! So there was my answer. It wasn’t about rehab it was he had met someone else and the snake hadn’t had the decency to tell me! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was furious. Of course he was feeling all shiny and new I knew how he was with me when we first met, all full of live and energy, everything an adventure! That bastard had shoved me out for her! Oh I was livid but the betrayal the loss the pain the hurt I can’t even start to explain it. The humiliation. Less than a week less than a week!!! How dare he. Of course it all made sense, he wanted me out for some bitch he met in there, some one that understood what he was going thro. Where were the staff in all of this? I thought they didn’t encourage relationships, when they were supposed to be working on themselves, where was his focus now? The fact that he didn’t even have the decency to tell me the truth. I posted on his wall for all to see how disgusted I was that he could do that to publicly humiliated me, after what my ex husband had done and how he said he would never do something like that, he had done exactly the same! ( my ex husband brought his new girlfriend into the pub I worked in one afternoon, I didn’t know he had a new girlfriend at the time) the next few hours were horrible, texting each other he saying to get over it to move on! To move on? Are you mental? It’s been less than a week! This is why you finished with me isn’t it? No we werent together when I finished with you. But she was waiting wasn’t she! I lost it completely I think I must have had some sort of mental melt down, I wanted to die the pain I was feeling was unbearable. Also at some stage she sent me an in box message she was evil! The things she said completely shattered my life. She said that why did I think someone like K wanted to be with someone like me, that he had only used me for money that he never loved me, he only hung around with me for what he could get. Why would he want to be with someone that didn’t dress very well didn’t bother about their appearance, was over weight, that needed plastic surgery and couldn’t even hang on to a druggie! That I needed to find an old age pensioner someone my own age, get some self respect and leave them alone to enjoy a happy life. The insults went on and on, but what hurt more was the fact that she had picked up on so many of my insecurities. Which meant he must have told her! The fact that I was older than him, that I said on more than one occasion sometimes I think you are only with me for my money, that before we had met I used to get Botox and fillers cos I like to look as nice as I can, but now couldn’t afford it. That I hated not being able to buy new clothes…..he had told her all of that and she was using it against me. She went on to say how lucky she was that now she had the good K and I had had to put up with the bad K ( didn’t she think I knew that).
I blocked her on FB and he blocked me, or at least she blocked me on his. He didn’t know how to, but that didn’t stop me from seeing his profile of course! I was torturing myself looking at them together but couldn’t stop myself.
I contacted his mum to see if she knew. She said she had seen it on FB. I was putting her in an awful situation but asked her to tell him I wanted to die, and when I did it was all his fault. She said she didn’t want to be a go between, ( of course) but I was so wrapped up in my pain I just said good to see I am such a good friend thanks for your support. I asked if rehab knew about this ‘new relationship’ and it was then she told me…..he left on the Thursday after he had seen you! WHAT!?! Apparently he had been caught with the phone and thrown out. There is more to it than that but for nOw that’s all I knew. I texted him and said I hope he was happy. He txt back yer I am get over it.
There was no compassion I felt so alone, and yes I really did want to die. I thought about how I could end it all. I signed myself off work for a week. But wasn’t sure if I would go back. I didn’t know if I would even be alive in a week. I suppose my HP did their thing! Someone I only knew from FB somehow persuaded me otherwise, my mum turned up so that also put a stop to any of my immediate plans, I was exhausted mentally and physically. I really didn’t care less about my life, but it would seem others did. I don’t know why. I was a mess. My life was a mess. Even a heroin addict didn’t want to be with me, what did that say about me? My sister said that was a measure of him not me, nice words but I didn’t believe it. It was very much a measure of me! I had given him everything I had to give and it still wasn’t enough..I WAS SICK. I was so distraught I couldn’t think straight. I felt as though if the last 2 years had been for nothing then what was the point? I felt foolish to believe that someone like him would love me, what was I thinking? But still couldn’t accept that he had been with me only for the money and life style. We met when he was clean! He promised me that when he was clean again we would have the life we wanted, I was in total denial, because facing up to the horrible truth was too much for me to accept and bear. Subconsciously I knew but couldn’t admit it. That my pride of wanting to be with this great looking ( and when not in addiction) fun loving full of life man had lead me to believe that he wanted to be with me too. That he found me attractive that he thought I was fun to be with that I was a good woman that he meant it when he said I was kind and loving and he loved being with me. If I accepted the truth that everything had been a lie that I had been taken in by his charm the lies that he had used me for the last 2 years, then my pride really would be dented! That I had so little about me that I couldn’t see it. That I was so wrapped up in my love for him that I was blinded by what was blatantly obvious to everyone else,no my friend I could not accept that as the truth. The pain I felt of course reflected all of that, and that was why I wanted to die. The shame I felt was overwhelming. But I continued to deny that he used me. I blamed her. She had taken my man. I blamed my illness I had become sucked into his addiction and took it on myself to solve the problems, to control the situation, and after being in control for so long to have to surrender that control to have it taken away from me gave me no comfort. I didn’t know that the only thing I could do was take control over my life, because it it the only thing I do have some control over. As I say I was ill. It would a few more months before I understood that. It’s funny before I met K I was never one to take control of a situation. I was a happy passenger of life, things happened and because I suppose I had so little self respect self worth, I let things happen. When you live with an addict that changes. I never liked to make choices or decisions about whether we should go somewhere. If he asked if we could go out at the weekend I would always ask where he wanted to go, thinking he might not like my choice. However when you live with an addict you do try to control everything. I tried to control him not getting into trouble from going on the rob, I had to make sure I had enough money to get us though the month, I wanted to know where he was how much he had used, I wanted to stop him from using by getting him into rehab, because I believed that was the right thing for him to do ( yes compounded by his affirmation of that) but it was what I wanted. You think you know best, because after all what would the addict know? Why would someone want to be addicted and live this life of misery? You do it out of love of course but also I misguided sense that you know best, what is right for him! So yes I had become very much in control.
Self pity blocks effective action
The more we indulge in it the more we feel that the answer to problems is a change in others or the world, not a change in us thus we become a hopeless case ( Nar anon blue book) and I had become very much a hopeless case, and would be for some time yet.

19/4/14

I found myself down a side street in Manchester just outside the centre. I found the house easily enough but my heart was racing I felt sick because I knew what he was going to say, and was trying so hard to focus on what I needed to say to him, that I understood that it was hard for him that he did have to be able to stand on his own two feet but we could work together on his recovery. I had been to a few meetings of my own fellowship and thought I understood a bit more about his programme and wanted to explain that I knew what I had done by enabling him was wrong. That we had been living in chaos and denial and that didn’t have to happen in the future. I had started to recognise some of my shortcomings and things that I had done wrong, in the course of the relationship especially towards the end, before he went into detox, I didn’t want this to be all in vain. The pain and suffering that we had shared. I wanted to have a chance at a normal relationship with him when he was sober. I understood that the way we had treated each other was a product of the drug use not of us as a couple. Not who we were, or at least not who I was. I disliked the woman I had become, there was little fun, he had shut me off from my friends, money spent on going out and having a laugh was money not spent on drugs. Money not spent on looking after my appearance was money better spent on drugs. He said I was hung up on money, yes because he had made me that way. Before we met I could go out when I wanted ( ok towards the end of the month I wasn’t rich) I had been use to buying clothes, good quality clothes, shoes because I liked them not cheap £5 shoes from Primark because the shoes I had on were that old my feet were wet, because the soles of the ones I had were down to the cardboard insole. I had a lot of resentment built up and because I was so weak and couldn’t let him down I didn’t outwardly complain, if I did he always came back with some rebuff, you look fine the clothes you have look nice, you don’t need to go out with them people, I will be here by myself, and you don’t want me to get into trouble do you? If I said anything about his drug use and the money, he would just say well I will go out and graft, I thought you didn’t want me getting into trouble with the police? So I always gave in. So yes I had become very passive aggressive. Rather than stand up to him, i was sarcastic, I spoke to him like he was a child that didn’t know better, I snipped, complained about the smallest thing, because I couldn’t say what I really wanted to, which was I don’t want to give you the money I don’t want to live like this, I want my life back…sometimes I did say it but it never changed the drug use, the demands ( which is what they became) for money didn’t stop. So I gave it begrudgingly, and hated this man but still wanted the other man back.
So there I was outside the house that had changed his feeling towards me. The plans that WE had made for the future were slipping away, I didn’t understand it, I didn’t understand enough of what he wanted, or why he didn’t want me in his life any more. Because I think I knew the painful truth was I served no purpose any more, he didn’t need me now he was free from addiction, well in recovery. But I couldn’t even think that subconsciously of course, I must have thought it but right now I didn’t think it not even for one second. How many times had he said to me, all I want is to get off this shit, I hate being like this, we can have a good life together once I am off this stuff. Why wouldn’t I believe it?
So I get out of my car and walk up to the steps of this big Victorian red brick house. I knock on the door. A man opens it, can I help you? Yes I have come to see K. And you are? I didn’t know who I was any more…his girlfriend?? I answer. Oh yeah right, he needs to speak to you right? My head was racing again, does he? What have you lot said to change his feelings so much, in the space of 4 weeks he has gone from loving me to having no room in his life for me, 4 weeks ago in detox he said he loved me….I said nothing, he shouted K visitor….he came. He looked well, his face had filled out again, he had had a proper haircut, he was dressed in clothes I recognised, but he looked good. This was so hard, I still had such strong feelings for him, seeing him like that reminded me of the first time I had met him for a date, I fancied the arse off him! But this time could very possibly be the last time I would see him so I was also filled with immense fear, and a desperation to do anything to keep him. We went to the back of the house, you can’t come in my room he said it wasn’t said in a nice way but really roughly almost as if he was doing me a favour in seeing me at all and I was the last person on earth that he wanted to speak too! I suppose I was! I replied I didn’t expect I could. So we went into the kitchen and he asked if I wanted a brew. Am I going to be here long enough I thought? Yes please. Thanks for coming his voice was less harsh, it’s a long way on your day off. Then he kissed me! Talk about mixed messages…I stepped back a bit unsure what was going on. Now my head really was racing he kissed me? So is everything ok? have I totally misunderstood what he was saying on the phone? We sat down and he tried to make small talk repeating stuff I had already seen on Facebook and he had already told me on the phone, trivial stuff mainly about him! He didn’t ask about me, but that was ok I didn’t want to talk about me, I just wanted to keep myself together to focus on everything he said so I could calmly talk about it if I needed to.
My calmness lasted all of a minute! He repeated what he had said to me on the phone, I tried to take it in he really was saying he couldn’t be with me any more….

Why babe I don’t understand why?

I need to focus on this I can’t if your in my life, I can’t be with you if I am in here….

Yes you said that before but when you are out of here will you come back to me?

I don’t know. I can’t think about the future I have to focus on today I can’t think that far a head, ( this was 12 steps talking not K, I had read enough and knew enough about my programme to understand the language used) maybe we will be I don’t know!

I wasn’t going to make this easy for him, and he wouldn’t just come out with it and say we were finished, it was all maybes, I don’t know…of course I knew what he was saying but I refused to let this go. If he said I don’t want to be with you any more, I am sorry, then I would accept it but all this I don’t know what will happen in the future shit was making it harder and worse, because it was giving me hope that we would get back together. So I said, so that’s it then you don’t want me in your life I have served my purpose and now you have no use for me?
No no that’s not what I am saying but right now I can’t be with you,
so you want me to wait?
I don’t know I don’t know how long I will be in here. I hate it here I want to use its really hard work I haven’t even done my life story yet…..he was half talking to me as normal then would throw I can’t be with you into the conversation. I think I was crying by now everything I had rehearsed in my head had gone, I had wanted to be calm and in control, I wanted to be able to put forward a good reason why we should be together after every thing we had been through we both deserved to see if we could make this work. And if it didn’t then we could go our separate ways. But I couldn’t get the words out, I tried and tried but what ever I did say wasn’t having any impact on him. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me any more. My life and future hopes and dreams were being torn away from me, my heart was breaking, I don’t think I had ever experienced this much pain in my life. But it was mainly because I couldn’t see or understand why. If he had said the way you treated me was horrible and I don’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t have liked it but would have understood. If he had said I don’t love you any more, I would have understood, if he had said I treated you so badly and I am ashamed every time I look at you it will remind me I would have understood. Even if he had said because I am clean and I associate you with taking drugs and might relapse, that would have been something, but no he wanted us to be friends, to part on good terms ( of course that makes it easier for him) he wants us not to be together whilst he is in there. He wants to know that if he is visiting his mum and I am there then I won’t be upset by him being there!
Really?? Do you really expect me to visit your mum if we are not together? I ask him.
Well you get on well.
Yes but she is your mother! I see her because of you! How can me and her be friends I will want to know what you are doing want to know how you are, I can’t sit there having a cup of tea and have you walk in, it will kill me.

This conversation went around in circles for about 2 hours. I was worn out and yet had so much I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words, I had them before I arrived, I don’t know if you have ever experienced that? You want to say something and you knew what you wanted to say but because of upset, panic, pain the words just won’t formulate in your head. I was alive I was breathing I could hear I could speak my body was working it was a beautiful warm day we had sat out in the sun but I was cold my brain was dead, numb and my heart felt like it was torn into a million pieces.
I was only allowed a 2 hour visit – so he said so I had to go. He walked me out to the car, he hugged me so tight and covered my face in kisses I am so sorry he said again and again.
Then why??? But he couldn’t or wouldn’t answer.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
But you have I don’t want to live without you!
I have to go, I am sorry….I still have your iPod, do you want it back?
keep it K, just go.
I get in the car as I drive past, he is on the steps up to the house he waves me good bye, I am crying my life is over.
I believe that this is going to be the last time I see him or have any contact, if it had been I might not be writing this!

IMG_0352

Right here right now….

imageRight here right now I don’t feel like continuing with my story….

A lot of things have happened emotionally and spiritually for me in the last 48 hours. On FB Last week  I asked people to help me pray for someone. He was in a really bad place. I was surprised how someone I have never met could have such a profound impact on my life. I had to take stock and inventory of why I was feeling this way. Was I back to where I was with K? Trying to save some one? It wasn’t my place. I didn’t know this man. I only knew him through the blog web site. Why did I care? Is this one of my failings shortcomings to care whether someone lives or dies? Or is this human nature? I truely believed he didn’t want to die but in the same breath understood the futility of it all, his life. I also know that he fits bang into the peak age group of suicide in men. I felt angry at him for many reasons, not valuing himself, for not listening to the people sending him messages of support, for being only 20 and thinking he understood enough about the world and life to make a decision that was wrong in so many ways. I felt great empathy for his belief that this was somehow the right thing to do, for his feelings of emense sadness. Having visited that place many times my self I know how empty life can be, how nothing matters any more how you just want the pain to stop, throw in drugs just to mix up those feelings as well and it really is a bad place to be.

My programme teaches us to detach with love, to leave an addict to do what they have to do, but not enable, not to save them, I struggle with that because it’s so very hard for me not to care. Not to help. Not to try and empathise. We are told addiction is an illness, a disease, and still we are not to help them in the ways we think do help. I think I am slowly understanding that, that by giving my addict money I was stopping him from reaching rock bottom. But I am still struggling with divorcing caring and wanting to keep some one safe with enabling!

After reading my diary from a year ago, I saw the truth. I saw how pained I was, I saw how desperatly I wanted K to love me, for me, how it was screaming from the page, this man doesn’t love you, he might have done when he was clean, but for nearly 2 years definitly 1 he has done just enough to stop you from walking away, promising you that once he gets to rehab everything will be different, you will have your happy ending. Deliberate or not he kept me believing so he got his daily fix. I was like a mental prisoner, that sounds harsh but I was being given a release date…when he was clean we would be free from all this pain I felt, we would have the life I dreamed of, with the man I met. I know I have said this again and again, and probably will continue to.

so back to my point….this week has been emotional, I have come to understand that I was living a lie as much has he was, we fed each other’s needs. But the journey brought me to NAR-ANON, which means I can now learn about my shortcomings and maybe my indepth need to save the world!

I still struggle with believing in a God, in a HP. I thnk because I am a practical type of person but  show me and I believe! I have now had the fortune to be shown, more than once!

This moring I woke up after a particularly stressful 48 hours. It was there on my phone, in my email in box, proof that something greater than you and me was at work. My blogging friend was alive he had posted a blog and was safe again. So thank you to those of you that prayed, thank you to my and his HP/God for saving this young man, this moring I truely did believe in the power of prayer and the guidance of a higher power.

The next day….

I did wonder if I would feel differently this morning but I am not sure that I do. If anything I know I am distancing myself from him in case the worst comes from this. He is so aggressive towards me probably because he thinks I am focusing on things that bear no importance to him right now like the flat and the fact he is in arrears to the tune of £115. I said I can’t afford it and he says he doesn’t want me to pay it and to stop focusing on things that arnt important but to me him having the flat is important he says he wants it but part of me wonders if he does? For one it’s in Macclesfield not the best place for him. But if he does the work he says he has to do about his past then maybe he can stay in Macclesfield? Maybe he will have the strength. I know this is a long hard battle he maybe clean of the drugs and the meth but he said last night he still wants to use. This is hard for him of course it is it’s there he could use at any time and the reason he doesn’t I think is because he wants us to have a future but then they fill his head full of questions about us. And that must be scary too. Of course I am worried we won’t last this that he has some epiphany and no longer wants to be with me. He is focusing in on really small negative things about what I say. He thinks I am only focusing on money, but I am on the outside I don’t have to focus on the issues he is dealing with I am focusing in the day to day practicalities of having a job and two homes to run. As well as not having any contact with staff that doesn’t help. It seems to be that they are filling his head up with stuff like you don’t have to worry about the outside world just focus on all the shit u have done. I understand why they do it but who’s fighting my corner. Another thing I have noticed is he doesn’t seem to be able to remember what he has said. He asked me to sort out the flat and to call Claire and then says I am the one worrying about it. He said one minute louie had giving the money to his mum his mum said he hadn’t he said he wanted the money to pay his rent with now he says Louis hasn’t given the money to his mum and when he does won’t pay the rent and I am expected to just sit and take it all in! And not stress about it!
Then he says about not wanting to see me for the 12 weeks he is in there. I hope that’s just to hurt me. I just don’t know what to think any more. I am sure that he thinks if we weren’t together his life would be far easier and it probably would. I want us to have a normal relationship – or as normal as we can, I want us to both want to be with the other for the right reasons I want to know what the plan is so I am not disappointed when he comes home. If he has to go to groups in the evenings that’s fine I would prefer him to spend weekends with me at mine but if he has to go to groups then we will have to see. If it’s just for a couple of months maybe I can go with that. We have so much to work out and he doesn’t understand I don’t have anyone to discuss this with there’s no after care team working with me there’s no councillors working with me, there’s no staff helping me thro with my issues and concerns. That’s exactly why he needs the space and doesn’t need to be talking with me yet, until he is more grounded and understands what he wants and needs. We have to accept that he might not be able to have a relationship with me that there will be no time or space that he can’t give me what I want. I am trying to make the flat into somewhere we can live. I have photos and little things around trying to make it nice for us. Building a nest ha ha. Part of me thinks if we got married at least then we would have committed to each other but I shouldn’t need that should I? I am so sad that he can’t give me what I need right now and just hope that it will work out in the future. I suppose I just don’t understand the process of what he is going thro enough. I don’t trust him to love me enough. But also I don’t like the way he is treating me. I know he thinks I am ungrateful that he bought the phone to call me. But iis not just me he is calling. If it was then he would be right but he’s still on Facebook everyday he’s phoning his mum and his brother. I hope to god Louis does what he says he will and will take him to groups etc. It’s not fair making him promise just to pacify him unless that’s what they have to do. But he didn’t ask me to be part of the process I said I would do it but he said I would be tired from work and it’s true, but Louie has has holly and they want to start a family I can’t see him wanting to help Karl when that happens! God my head is so jumbled too! I wish he hadn’t got that stupid phone! He should just follow the rules and focus on what he needs to with out us influencing his thoughts and then at the end of the 4 weeks he would have what he needed to be able to deal with us and to say sorry for what he has done. Considering the family have been thro this before they don’t seem to understand very much! All his mum thinks about is the impact on her. Louie seems to think you can just stop taking drugs like giving up chocolate he didn’t even understand about the methadone! But then again karl isn’t very good at talking about it either.
I was ready to walk away if he hadn’t got into rehab I am not sure I could have stood it much longer. Money has been tight but hopefully this month will be a bit easier. Then next month is should be back on my feet. I know he thinks all I think about is money but he made it a focus and he has no concept that this is the real world and bills have to be paid. I think I will stop now there is so much to take on and think about and part of me just wants to be happy with karl and be able to see him again and start building up a relationship – that’s the other thing I said last night that we will have to start again when he gets out. Think that shocked him. He made his excuses and got off the phone saying someone was outside the door- didn’t believe him. I miss him but not the chaos. Things happen for a reason my new job and his detox starting on the same day I am sure happened for a reason not sure what that is yet and it’s hard to believe it’s been 5 weeks that sounds a lot but at least in detox I got to properly speak to him
That’s it that’s what the problem is for me. In detox we spoke about how he was feeling etc and got to see him on those 2 Sundays. All this cloak and dagger stuff is only adding to the stress. I love being able to talk to him but he only talks about what he has been made to confront not how he is feeling. That’s what I need to focus on tonight if he calls. Ask him how he is feeling about the issues guilt of course but what is it making him realise? It sounded like he didn’t like to be questioned over money ( hence why he is saying all I focus on is money know this was a good way of sorting shit out in my head) he was having issues with them saying he took from his dad. He took enough from me so let him deal with it, but he has to accept that his behaviour because of the drugs was wrong. He has treated everyone he loves badly. It’s partly the drugs of course I understand that all he needed was ‘just’ £20 he felt ill I don’t doubt it but it became tiresome. So this is my counselling! My chance to say how I feel. Not brilliant but a starting point. I don’t have anyone helping me thro the process, highlighting or challenging my beliefs what do I need to change? I can’t expect him to do all the work to come home all shiny and new and positive I have a shed load of issues that need looking into the resentment the hurt the betrayal the lies, when will we have the chance to discuss that? Is it part of the process? Do we have to pretend non of this happened and just be grateful he has found his way? I have issues that need addressing too my guilt about paying for the drugs and making it easy for him I have treated him with contempt because I hated what he was making me do. I sometimes got angry but that didn’t change anything belittled him that didn’t work have cried have argued non of it worked I have tried just giving him the money that was wrong in his eyes. I have been stubborn put him before me and work all to no avail he still got what he wanted. So now we are left with the consequences, and probably a dis functional relationship. So when will we get the chance to talk about it? I can’t sit here and not address it. I have to believe I did it because I loved him yes I admit there were times I was scared I would loose him if I didn’t give him what he wanted. I couldn’t have a boyfriend in jail with my job. But why am I scared to loose him. Because I want to be with the nice karl not what he became. Of course we had a nice time did stuff together went on holidays would go out and have a laugh at the weekends. I enjoy his company he can be funny but I have lost touch with a lot of what he was. So has he! So let’s examine what he got from me….
Money stability someone looking after him some one paying for us to have a nice time. It must have been nice to be on the receiving end. I would like the same back. Someone to look after me to cook my tea sometimes to take me out or away. To buy me stuff just a bunch of flowers. He used to shop lift probably still does and sometimes for us but mainly for himself. He would come home with a new coat or something and I know he had nicked it he never had any money! Occasionally he would buy something new but it disappeared after a couple of weeks probably sold for drugs. Mmm seem to have deflected what I was saying about me..I would like us to continue but with less of a burden on me to do and pay for everything. He is right it does come down to money but when we didn’t have any that’s was when we got on best. There was no pressure. That’s when he was the most loving because I knew it was genuine there was no waiting for him to hit me for £20. I really don’t think he understood the enormous pressure he was putting me under. Not wanting to let him down as if I had failed. That he wouldn’t love me if I didn’t give him what he wanted. Am I that desperate?? Why ?? Being by myself for the last few weeks had proven that of course I miss him being around but I can cope god knows I have been by myself probably longer in my life that with someone. Of course I want to be in a relationship to feel loved for me, to share times and experiences with some one, but I can get by alone. I don’t need to be treated like a door mat. What kept me with him? Hoping he would go back to what he was when we met. Knowing there was a good loving man in there we just had to put up with some shit to get thro to the other side. So I can justify staying with him then. It’s not about being scared of being alone it’s not about any relationship is better than non. I was desperate before I met him to find some one but I have written else where about how happy I was he chose me. I was so sad when I was with Ian he didn’t make me happy we didn’t have fun. I know a lot of the time I have been with karl it’s been about the drugs but I would love to have the chance to see if we can make this work. I would do anything to make sure I made him happy. Is it about not wanting to fail? If he doesn’t want to be with me that I have failed have pushed him away? I don’t think I have pushed him away consciously my behaviour might though and that’s what I want to focus on I guess. But then again shouldn’t he accept me for what I am like I do/have him?
What if he doesn’t want me then what?
No I need to think positively he is doing this for us. To make sure we can have a relationship I should be thankful ( I am) trust that he does love me for me not the money. I need to find a more positive outlook. Be more humble and grateful it’s not such a bad thing. Don’t get hung up on trivial things. I do take on board what he says and have to accept that at the moment he isn’t at the same place I am with relationships his have been clouded with drugs which had made him behave in certain ways. But that’s not him. I have forgiven him for the way he treated me because that isn’t how he will treat me in the future. I need him to forgive me for behaving like I have too. Because I hope that’s not me either.

Old diary entries!

Last year when he was in rehab and things weren’t going so well I tried to write things down, to try to make sense of my thoughts and feelings ( bit like this blog really!)
I am now going to share some of them with you. This was ‘live’ as it happened, my thoughts are muddled up, they might be difficult to understand and read, but it gives you an idea of how ill I was, and now really egocentric I had become. This really was all about me! I was in denial of that of course, and I suppose because my day to day life had been totally consumed in addiction, I thought everything was focused on him. I did and do try even now to think about the impact rehab was having on him, and maybe because my feelings had been shut down for over a year, now I was able to think about the impact all this had had and was having on me. When I was living with him I had no real time to focus on me, so now given this enforced space and time, it becomes me me me.
What I found interesting is some things I had forgotten until I read my diary. In fact if I had been well I think I could have probably been able to have a conversation with him far better than I could then. I was obsessed. But you can read it for yourselves, and make your own decisions. I think it shows how sick I was, I was losing my world, I couldn’t think straight. Maybe if I had read it again before now, I would not have gone back to him again and again. It its obvious that he doesn’t want me in his life I was saying it out loud and so was he, nearly a year ago, but couldn’t hear what either of us was saying! That is sad. I could have saved my self a lot more heart ache and heart break. So here it is 3 days of despair. I have obviously forgotten a year on that I must have had another phone call from his key worker….but I guess I was very stressed and until now and reading my diary was basing my blog on memory!

So karl is in rehab and even tho it’s been less than a week I am really struggling. I feel very low today, firstly he somehow bought a phone yesterday and as great as it was to speak to him I am very worried he will get a room search and get caught and then get chucked out. He said he doesn’t want to stay, and I think even tho he said he got the phone to speak to me he has only phoned me once and I had to get credit for him and then call him! So I am not happy about that. I think as he is not happy there and wants to leave and I said he can’t if he does he won’t have the coping strategies to stay off the gear and if he relapses then I can’t stay. I have invested too much into this to walk away but now don’t want to go through or live my life like that again. He seems to be on fb all the time and not even bothering to contact me and that pisses me off, and adding female friends again! Yes they might be ppl he knows but I get so overwhelmed by it and feel so insecure and he would say its just me but I can’t help thinking that I am convenient til something better comes along….but that is just because we are apart.
I got a call from a worker last night and that threw me…he said karl was desperate to contact me and explained why they didn’t allow it and that was fine I understand it but now he’s bought this bloody phone and I just feel it damages his chances of success. Part of me wants to tell the staff but I can’t cos he will be thrown out 😩😩
I feel better now I have spoken to that fella last night but karl is so in denial and thinks he knows best, he was horrible to me on the phone he said something about having to be in groups all day and I said and all night and he said your clever! I know he expected me to be really happy to speak to him but I was in total shock, and I was grateful that he phoned me but it goes against every thing that he is supposed to do. I couldn’t think what to say I am rubbish at being supportive when he breaks the rules cos I see the outcome if he is caught and now I haven’t been able to talk to him. Then when I saw he had been on fb today and asked if he wasn’t talking to me I just got a really short message back saying see you l8r! I just feel like I did 2 years ago when he was in rehab and that’s another thing that man said he has 12 weeks then goes into secondary! Not what we thought I just said you better talk to karl about that because there has been no mention of secondary but if that what you think he needs then so be it! All I care about is he gets out and doesn’t go back to using. I hate being so negative but I have to prepare myself for the worse. I will be devastated if this doesn’t work out.. I love karl he is the nicest kindest most loving man ( at times) I have had the pleasure of being in a relationship with. I wouldn’t have stuck by and put with all the shit I have if I didn’t think he was worth it, but at the same time I don’t want to live like that.
I think the best thing for me to do is to just stay off fb stay away from his mum and just wait for him to contact me. Let’s go back to assuming he can’t contact me for another 3 weeks and leave it at that…no doubt that won’t last lol 30/3/14

He called again last night ( Monday) and really battered my head. He is working on relationship stuff which is good but then says staff will want to talk to me about things and says he’s still in love with Jackie to which I said well if ur still I love with her then I don’t want to be with u. He then hung up he doesn’t understand I actually know all this but have put it to one side I thought he would be over her by now and she would be a happy memory but it seems not. I just don’t know what to do for the best staff are obviously saying they are going to ask me about the relationship so that he has to say stuff to them. Cos they haven’t phoned me! But he has only just told me the truth about taking the car that day and I am not happy about that. I knew he as lying at the time but couldn’t say so to him I was grateful he was home and had the car. He tells me this on Sunday and he was to unwell to challenge him on it. We have so much work to do on our relationship. It’s not going to be enough to just share a space with him. I do like his company and of course think he is a loving and kind supportive man but at what cost. When we met he obviously still had issues to work through but he seemed so on top of things. I suppose that there is a chance he won’t be in a place to be with me or want to be. There’s a chance I won’t be able to see this through. I want to be with some one that can look after me can be on an equal footing with me share life with. I love him there’s no doubt about that but I love what I see him to be. Not the bag head he became so I am guessing we have to start again if he will ever be ready. Like I said to Al I could probably go out and get myself a lawyer or someone with money that could take me out and look after me, but I want karl at the moment. I don’t know if it’s because I just want to see this thro, but he has to learn that if something happened to me he could live without me without turning to drugs. God knows it’s hard the drinking is so hard to stop. Even tho I am not getting pissed I am having a glass or two of wine when I get home, not bottles like I used to and god knows how I functioned when I was drinking that much. No right now my head is battered. I want to be able to sit down and talk to him about how I feel it’s not only about him. I wish in some ways he wouldn’t phone just focus On the work he is doing and then see how I fit into it. If he had been with me for convenience money replacement for Jackie then let’s address it and see if he really wants a relationship with me. What is it that he ‘loves’ about me. Gratitude is not love.
What he doesn’t seem to understand is when he calls me all it does is messes with my head. He tells me about the work he is doing and that’s good to know but at the same time really disempowering because we can’t sit down and talk about things. I am getting little bits of information around what he’s working on and that raises all sorts of issues for me. Makes me question why he is with me and why I am with him. He hits out verbally if I say things and it’s so difficult I want to be honest but feel I don’t want to challenge him or if I say the wrong thing it will start and argument. I wish he would understand that hearing about the work he is doing is not comfortable for me. He needs to do the work work out what he wants from me and where I fit in to his life and then we can talk. I get the feeling that he has used me for money not in a bad way but has probably unconsciously stuck with me because it was easier than stealing. I think he had loved me in his own way. But then I think well we met when he was well and in rehab so must have made an informed choice then? Of course ppl think he has fell On his feet yes I have putup with shit because I wanted to see this long term.., it’s all so hard 31/3:14

So now we are getting to the realisation that he has used me for money him I mean or at least them they are telling him that he can’t come up with any thing to counter it so if that is the case we have no future because that’s exactly what I asked him why do u love me and he had no answer. This is as hard for me as it is for him as the realisation comes to light if it’s true it’s my worse fears. As I have said I can come with with loads of reasons why I love him but if he can’t do the same then where are we? What do we have – nothing. The only good thing is we met before he was using so surely that means something. Have just sent him a txt to say tell them why u love me and that they are wrong that we met before the addiction came back if he can the we have something to work on if not they and I was right sad but true. Then what can I do I will be devastated all this for nothing I can’t even start to think about it! Something I don’t like is the fact he thinks it’s ok to take all his frustrations out on me his head is jumbled I understand that and that’s why he is so aggressive but I am not happy to accept his behaviour not any more. Have told him we need to start again when this is over and see how we get on. I love him like I say but not the way he is treating me now and now there is no excuse! 3/4/14

So as I read it back I wonder how far I have come, know what? I have come miles! It may only be in the last couple of weeks, and part of me still doesn’t want all this to have been in vain, ( the reason I keep going back?) but the truth was there all the time I just didn’t want to believe I had been taken for a ride. Time is a great healer but you can’t fix what isn’t broken and because I was still in so much denial I couldn’t be healed or fixed could I?

Phone call and visit…

A couple of days later his key worker called me back. He says K is allowed a phone call at the weekend, but he wants to talk to his mum, he will be allowed to call you the week after. Whoopy fucking do! Now he is calling his mum over me! His mum that abandoned him as kid, that used to beat him, that left him with no food he wants to speak to her over me? Great good to know I am so far down his priority list! I felt hurt I felt betrayed, I had stuck by him, paid for his drugs food clothes, paid off 2 hefty drug debts took him on holidays and he didn’t even want to speak to me??? What the fuck was going on. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t about the money or what I had given him, ( I know it reads like that) sometimes willingly some times under duress  I had always loved him, I would have laid my life down to have the man I met back. I was hurting so bad, there were just so many unanswered questions. I felt used, abused letdown. It was totally disempowering. I had had to take on a lot of control with in the relationship. I had to make sure we had food that I had fuel for work, I had become like a mother figure, if I had just given him money when he wanted it I would have nothing after a week from pay day. I had to budget, I had to get us through the month. I also had taken it on my self ( my addiction) to think I could some how cure him, get him to detox, rehab, get him well. It wasn’t my place but then I didn’t know. That’s something I learnt from my programme. I was no different than a lot of enablers we take it upon ourselves to try to fix it. To cure the addict to make them fit what we want, rather than focus on ourselves and keep our own business. As part of my programme I was asked how would I feel if someone tried to do everything for me that they knew best what I needed 24/7? Yet that’s what I was doing had been doing I knew best, what was best for him.

So yes right now I was feeling very disempowered. I had to let it be had to let it happen and not having control was scaring me.

I txt him of course I couldn’t stop my self! Thanks very much want to speak to your mum over me? Great thank you very much! That makes me feel really loved and important not! Unsurprisingly no response!

A few days later I get another call, K will be calling you this weekend. Good! I think, but part of me didn’t want to talk to him I knew what he was going to say. I had visited his mum, we actually got on well. We had discussed the fact he had a phone. I asked if he had called her. She said he had borrowed someone’s phone and had called her, she said he asked if she would visit and she had said no. I didn’t tell her it was his phone, I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse. His brother had been at the house, when I was there. He was ‘sympathetic’ is the best way of explaining his behaviour towards me. It was as if he knew something. I openly discussed the fact he had said something about not being able to be with me, but I was being cautious I wanted to see how much they knew. His bro said he had called him, yes I said he said you were going to take him to groups when he got out. That’s a big responsibility to take on L. I was thinking you won’t do it you. You might take him a few times but you have no idea of the commitment you are taking on, your girlfriend won’t be happy about you taking him to groups every night. But said nothing. L had to go he got up and came over to me and gave me a big hug, sorry he says. So he knew, K had spoken to him about it then. He didn’t want to be with me and had discussed it with his brother! After he left I asked his mum what has he said to you? Nothing she says, come on I say I know he has said something! No he asked me to pick him up he phone late at night…what? I said no….. This conversation was later denied by her, But she definitely said it because I remember being so shocked that he wanted to leave….maybe that’s why he wants to finish it with me I am thinking so he can leave and then I can’t say anything, he knows he would be letting me down…….

he phoned as was promised, but he was like a broken record, I have to learn to be able to look after myself, i can’t be with you if I am in here. So does that mean when you are not in there we can be together? I don’t know I don’t know how I feel about anything any more, but I need to focus on what I need to do and you’re  a distraction. But if we are together when you come out we need to work together now so I understand your programme and can support you, I was grasping at straws I knew, but I didn’t want to loose him. It didn’t even enter my head that he didn’t love me, that he had only used me for the money and now he didn’t need the money he didn’t need me! I was Deaf to what he was saying, I was in total denial, that he didn’t love me. After everything we had been thro the good and the bad. I never wanted to be with an addict, that wasn’t who I met, I wanted my lovely funny loving man back, he had been in there less than a month and they had turned him against me! Not allowing us the chance of living happy ever after. No I refused to accept it. We were just going round in circles. I don’t remember what or how the conversation ended. But I was crying.

A couple for days later I got another call. Could I come and see him the following weekend? Yes of course I could! This was my chance, I could try to talk him out of this. No I would not let this ship go down, I was fighting for my happiness,and my man.

Confusion and panic

Over the next couple of weeks things started to change and it was scaring me. He wasn’t calling as much or answering my txt messages. He was posting on Facebook which I told him to be careful About because he didn’t know who was looking. He never mentioned me or responded to anything I posted or if I sent a message. I was getting more and more worried that something was wrong. When he did call he was distant almost always angry at me. I put it down to him struggling with the programme he said it was hard he has to go to loads of groups that he didn’t think it was fair he had to pay rent for the house he was living in and the flat, he wasn’t happy about a lot of things. Then he said I need to learn how to be by myself i can’t be reliant on you. Ok I agree, yes you probably do. But we are a couple so we need to work together on this. Well I have been told I shouldn’t be in a relationship for a year after I finish rehab! What? We are a couple I find it hard to believe that you are not expected to come home to me? That is ridiculous. They must have people that are married I find it very hard to believe they expect you to finish with me! Well I can’t be with you if i am doing this. Wow I felt like I had been slapped in the face. What was he saying? Babe this isn’t making sense to me I say, we are together we were when you went in I don’t see how they can expect you to not work with me on this! I have to go he says. So he does and I am left with an overwhelming sense of foreboding, if he thinks I will sit back and let it just happen after everything I have put up with over the last 2 years he has another think coming! I was not going to sit back and just let this happen, I would fight for him if I had to!
It was late but I decided in the morning I was ringing the centre back. His key worker had not got back to me and i wanted to know what the hell was going on. I was scared and angry.
I had a feeling something wasn’t right but I really wasn’t expecting the response I got when I called.
I got to speak to his key worker, he asked who I was. I am his girlfriend and I am surprised that no one has called me, I want him to be successful on release and I would have thought you would have been in contact with me by now, if for nothing more to let me know how he had settled in, I called a couple of weeks ago and was told you would call back but didn’t. I don’t know very much about his programme and I want to support him the right way when he comes home.
Who are you again? he asked. His girlfriend!!! Oh right well we weren’t aware you were still together? What? Erm maybe I got that wrong, he tries to back track, hang on I say if you don’t think we are still together then he must have said something to you! I am living in his flat we better bloody well be still together! So if you know something you had better tell me because my work is here my home is here and if i need to make different arrangements I need to know! NOW. I can’t say he tells me, well as far as I am concerned I am very much still in a relationship with him, I thought about mentioning the phone but knew he would be thrown out and I would get the blame so said obviously I haven’t had any contact so I need to know. This is the first I have heard of this I only phoned because I was worried and wanted to work with you to promote his success on release, yes he says we normally work closely with families and loved ones if we know about them. BAM! If they know about them! They didn’t even think we were in a relationship any more what was going on? I was in a heightened state of panic and disbelief my life was falling apart and I had no control over it. I tried to calm myself. I will speak to him he says and we will get back to you. I am sorry he says, thank you not as sorry as I am. We hang up. What the hell?? My greatest fears all played out in one phone call. My heart was breaking. All my dreams and hopes were being ripped from me, my life as I knew it, how I had played it out in my head was disappearing. I couldn’t even see him or talk to him. What had I done? I know we had it rough before he went away but it was always over money that we argued about. I loved him with my very heart body and soul, how could this be happening? What was happening? I thought this was one of the worst days of my life, but this was just the beginning it was about to get a whole lot worse!
I said a few posts back that this would be hard for me and a lot of the pain confusion and hurt is still very current as I wrote that. The pain the feeling of betrayal I experienced back then 10 months ago I would experience again and again. I just hope this time I won’t go through it again.

What is this 12 steps?

I was told that the programme he was doing was going to be the 12 steps programme. I had very little understanding of it. So started to do a bit of digging. That was harder than I expected! I didn’t realise it was so closed! But what I was reading I didn’t like the sound of. Higher power? Wtf? Prayers giving your will over to God? No this wasnt going to work at all. No wonder I couldn’t have contact for 3 weeks! They wanted to brain wash him. I was fearful I would be left behind in this process. That I wouldn’t understand what he needed to do what was expected of him, how could I be good support if I couldn’t work with these people? Why wasn’t I allowed to have contact? The questions kept coming, and I couldn’t find answers. Then I found a web site , it was for family members of people living with or affected by someone else’s addiction. At last! There was a forum it was based in the States and called NAR-ANON. here would be the answers to my questions. I joined the forum and started reading posts. The language was alien to me. Phrases being repeated. Thank you for sharing, addicted significant other,  in recovery, qualifier, what did these things mean? I had my man doing the ’12 step programme’ I wanted to know what the 12 steps were. I wanted to know why I couldn’t have contact. I wanted to know how I could help him when he got out, I wanted to understand what he was learning about. But couldn’t get any answers, I asked was told it wasn’t about him it was about me! What the hell were these people talking about? No I don’t think you understand, my boyfriend is in rehab in England, he isn’t allowed contact with me, why? He is doing the 12 steps programme what will he be learning about, I want to help him? We are not here for the addict, we are here for you, keep coming back! Keep coming back??? Yes get to the groups on line groups. What at 2am when I have work in the morning, when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will will attend groups if you want to get better. No you don’t understand, it’s my boyfriend that is in rehab, I don’t need to attend groups, why do I need to attend groups. To discuss your issues how you can get better. Keep coming back.

No this wasn’t working for me, I needed answers. I needed to know what he was learning and what I needed to do to keep him safe in the future. There was nothing wrong with me, God knows  what those Americans were wittering on about! So I looked again there must be something in the UK? Surely? I knew there wasnt much services wise, I had asked the macclesfield drugs services if there was any support for me before, and was told not. So I went on looking. I found NAR-ANON UK. This would be more like it I was thinking , they would understand how services worked in the the UK. They would tell me what he was learning about and how I could help. There was an email address I sent an email. I explained I needed to know what was going on, I needed to know what I needed to learn about so I could help him when he got out. I got a reply within a few hours. I was asked if I wanted to chat on the phone. Yes I said I would. So I got a phone call. The lady I spoke to sounded quite young, but she was full of empathy and enthusiasium! She explained that it was normal for us not to have contact so they the one in rehab focused on what they had to do, but suggested I called them and see how he was getting on. Why didn’t I think of that!

I called and eventually got to speak to someone in the centre that K was in. The worker was a bit shady, he said he didn’t know K but would pass my message to his key worker who would call me back and let me know how he was getting on. 2 days passed no word. A lot of things were happening at the same time around now. I should also say that this was all in the first 3 or 4 days of him being there!

I was in the flat and my mobile rang. It was a mobile number but not one I knew. Hello? Hi! Omg I didn’t think you could call, I got a phone, what?? Are you mad? I thought you would be pleased, I thought you would be worried not being able to talk to me, yes of course love but if you get caught….I won’t get caught will I! He was really pissed off with  me for not being pleased he had got a phone, how did you get it? Bought it from the shop. How? Errr I went to the shop and bought it, how? All I could think of was how could he have gone to the shops with staff and managed to buy a phone, it didn’t make sense, he wasn’t making sense. I went to the shops on my way back from a group and bought it, no still didn’t make sense, don’t you have to be with staff? No, I am in a house we have to go to groups in Stockport and Manchester, it’s costing me a fortune in bus fares. This was worrying me, he was allowed to just wander about without staff?? What was going on here? I have to go…ok thanks for calling. I was shell shocked! What was going on? When he had been in Lancaster he had been allowed out but everything was done in the centre. They had their treatment food slept there everything. I was told I couldn’t have contact for 3 weeks but he was allowed to go out un supervised, in a area he used to live and score drugs really was this for real?

I was stressing about him having the phone, I was stressing about him being able to go out without supervision I was stressing about him being cross with me because I wasn’t pleased he had a phone! I was of course but I was starting to understand why they didn’t want them to have contact, it distracted from their programme ( what ever that was) plus I didn’t want him to get found with the phone he would be thrown out. I texted him and said I was pleased he had called but was worried of the consiquences if he got found out. He didn’t text back.

I didnt know how sick I was I still didn’t realise that this was as much about me as it was him. I still didn’t know that I was in need of the 12 steps programme as much as he was. But I was sick I was so sick I couldn’t even be happy that he had put himself and his future at risk to call me because he cared about me, all I could see was the negatives, I was starting to loose him and I couldn’t see it, whilst he was free of the substances that had fogged his brain, I couldn’t see he was getting better, all I could see was the bad. I couldn’t see how I was now pushing him away by not celebrating what he had achieved. All I thought was I was right, and because of my illness couldn’t accept that I might be wrong about any of it. After all I wasn’t  the addict was I? I knew what was right for him what he should do or shouldn’t do! Oh I was so ill. But sadly didn’t even know I was.

The visit

So I got though the next week and could hardly wait to drive to Liverpool to see him. I was nervous of course I knew he would be ill, but this would be the first time I had seen him without drugs in his body ( not including prescription drugs) since we went to Egypt for my birthday the October before. Not that he changed when we had been on holiday in fact he didn’t seem to have any negative affects at all. He had been given some tablet form of methadone, it was strong and he said it worked well but they wouldn’t give it to him in England. It was too expensive or something. But it held him well so he wasn’t too irritable. Plus he drank a lot which I guess helped. Well not helped but stopped the feelings of wanting to use. Also he had things to do we went snorkelling and swimming, so he was busy. So now in cold dreary England he was having to deal with all the feelings of withdrawal from heroin and crack plus a reduction in his methadone, so I wasn’t expecting miracles.
I found the house, and was greeted by staff. He came out and was looking well. Had a bit of colour to him and his face didn’t have the long drawn look it usually had when he is using. He took me to the family room and we made small talk. He was ok he was attending groups he spoke about himself, eventually asking how I was and how work had been. I was nervous and felt uncomfortable, there was another couple in the room he introduced me as his girlfriend and I relaxed a bit. We sat just holding hands and he chatted on about nothing. He felt like a stranger but I was so pleased to see him. After about half an hour he asked if I wanted a cup of tea and said he wanted a smoke, so we got a drink and he took me into a smoking room. I don’t smoke, but sat in there with him. 2 or 3 other residents came in, after he said they were just being nosey want to see who I was. I hoped he wasn’t ashamed of me. I had dressed up and put makeup on, I didn’t want him to be embarrassed by me, I wanted to look my best given my age and he had said everyone in there were a lot younger than him. I knew how cruel people can be, and how some people get a kick out of taking the piss out of others, bullying, so didn’t want to give any reason for him to feel ashamed of me. It wasn’t often that our age difference made a difference but I was acutely aware of it at times. I think that came about not from him but right at the start way back when he came to stay at mine the first time. We had called into a garage, when we were in there he was getting a drink, and I had asked if he wanted anything else, and the girl behind the counter had made some comment about aw is mummy buying you a drink? I don’t know if he knew her ( it was in Macclesfield) or if she was just being a bitch, but I just said I am not his mother I am his girlfriend. Paid and walked out. But it stuck with me, especially when I was with him around people that didn’t know us. He knew that episode hurt me and was lovely about it afterwards but I don’t think he realised how much of an effect it had on me. And if he did. He never said, but then again neither did I.
So being in the detox place made me nervous. There was all these young people all there for different reasons and addictions. It was sad really, and it must have been hard on him being the eldest there. A man in his 40’s surrounded by kids in their teens and twenties. But he wasn’t there for a holiday and make mates was he? he was there to get clean before going to rehab. But of course bonds are made. A common bond. Something I could never share with him. He had more to do with these people more in common than we could have. It was obvious that he would feel more at ease with them. He shared stuff with them that he wouldn’t share with me because they understood it, they too had their own addictions. He was in groups with these people so of course they shared stuff about their lives. It was expected. Thinking right back to when we met that is exactly what he had done with me in the hospital. I thought it had been an honestly thing, but I guess now I have come to learn that it is what is expected, when you are in that environment.
We went back to the main room, sat and chatted about nothing really. It was mainly about him and others in the detox centre. He didn’t point anyone out and break confidentiality but he talked about why people were there. I guess I was so wrapped up in my own happiness at being able to see him, I wasn’t paying attention, to how he was with me. Maybe I am over analysing it now. But I had no reason to suspect anything was wrong between us. Maybe there wasn’t. Yet.
The 2 hours flew by, it was time to go. He kissed me and hugged me and said he would call. I drove home, I hated him being in there but knew it was the only way. At the end of the following week he would have done his 3 weeks. I assumed they would transport him to the rehab centre so was in for a bit of a shock when he called me and said could I pick him up on the Sunday and take him home. He said that they wouldn’t take him to the rehab he had to go to a centre in Macclesfield on the Monday morning and that they had arranged for him to get a lift from there. I was overjoyed to have him home for a night, because I knew once he went into rehab there would be no contact for 3 weeks. So the following Sunday I drove over picked him up and came back to Macclesfield with him. He wanted to see his family of course, I think we went to him mums, but can’t remember if she was in or not. He was phoning everyone. He was only allowed one phone call a day in detox and most nights phoned me. So obviously wanted to catch up with everyone. I suppose I was a bit reluctant to share him with anyone we had less than 24 hours together. I wanted us to do something but he wasn’t well enough. We went for something to eat but he wasn’t hungry. He had done a rapid detox and wasn’t at all well. So I got something to eat and we went back to the flat. He didn’t sleep much that night. He seemed closed, irritable with me, but I put it down to the detox. He had come off 40mls a day to zero in 3 weeks. I had no idea how hard that was then. He had asked if he could stay another couple of weeks in detox but they said no. But now I wonder if he wanted to stay there for other reasons…..
As with everything drug service related in Macclesfield nothing happens as its meant to. He was supposed to be getting a call in the morning about when he was being picked up. He had all his clothes and things with him and I was supposed to go to work. In the end I called in work and said my car was broken down because I had a very strong feeling if I didn’t get him to rehab he wouldn’t go! His lift didn’t happen, more phone calls…he was making noises about getting a phone and smuggling it in. I told him I thought that was a very bad idea, if he got caught he would be thrown out. But he was very insistent so as I have said before what K wants K gets. So we go to tescos and I buy him a cheap phone. He is very persuasive like I say,and said well then I can call you, you don’t want to be without speaking to me for 3 weeks, I know you will worry…. We then have to go to a different centre as someone there was going to pick him up, this is all before 10.30! So we pack his things into the car and drive him round. Eventually the guy comes and takes him away. He says to me I will bring him back when he’s fit and well, thanks I say. It was almost as though he couldn’t wait to get away from me. No hugs or kisses good bye, but then again we are in public. So I push my feelings of hurt down. One thing he did do though before he left was say I was right about the phone. He didn’t take it with him. For that I was grateful. So I am there in the street my man taken from me again. But this time no phone calls for 3 weeks! As long as he had been in detox with no contact. No letters nothing. It was going to be a tough 3 weeks. For us both! But it had to be worth it didn’t it? A life free form drugs. This is what I had wanted for so long, but that was just it wasn’t it? It was what I wanted, he said he did too, and back then had no reason to doubt it, but wanting it isn’t always enough.