Back to basics 

So I sat down with my work book and read it, really read it, I’m am so pleased my new sponsor asked me to start again! When I first did the steps I had completed I think it was all about ‘getting through them’. That somehow the quicker I got through them the quicker I would recover. Of course I didn’t get through them all that quickly to be honest, I found the questions difficult and the things being asked of me hard to do. I struggled for years to honestly find a HP I could believe in. Yesterday I read the questions differently. I understood what they meant, I understood what it was asking me to do. I’m not suggesting they are any more easier but I’m now at a place where they make sense. From this I have been able to see why it was so difficult before. The denial of so many things. Interestingly when I started another fellowships work book a few weeks ago I found the questions much easier, I thought maybe it was CoDA is all about being kind to ourselves, so I thought what was being asked was easier, but now I think it’s more about the fact I have listened. I have heard some things I don’t like recently, others opinions of me. But I listened. As our fellowship says take what is useful and leave the rest. But something’s were highlighted that I can work on. A lot of the negative behaviours highlighted are totally co-dependent behaviours. So I wasn’t really surprised to hear them even if it is never pleasant to experience it. With out sounding as though I’m justifying these behaviours I still feel at the moment that when I displayed them I actually had no idea – no idea of the impact on others or that they were in fact anything but normal. I thought that was who I was. It is who I am but with my programs I can learn a better way to live, and ask the god of my understanding to help me remove them. 

So for now as I restart my journey I am grateful for what I have learnt so far, and with the help and love of my fellowships know I can become a better person. 

Happy Endings

As part of my recovery I have joined another fellowship, I can’t get to face to face meetings but have access to a Skype group and an e-group. The e-group has a weekly topic, and people can share through the week. This week’s topic is Happy Endings. I’m not sure I have a ‘Happy Ending’ as such as yet, but I am starting to feel happy. Through one of my fellowship groups I have met some awesome people, these people get it, get me. We don’t have to even speak we can just be. They’ve been there lived it the same as me. That bond is hard to explain, but they will always hold a special place in my heart. So Happy Endings? Maybe be maybe not… anyway here’s my share,

Happy endings? I have thought about what to share on this topic, there was a time when I thought my life would never be happy. But that was when I was placing my happiness in the hands of others, if only he would do this or that, if only I didn’t have to do this or that for work, if only I didn’t have to do…. with the help of my HP and the fellowships I attend I understand that happiness is truly in my hands. I am not reliant on others for my happiness. If I don’t like to do something I don’t have to, because I think or feel I have to to keep others happy. Others happiness is not reliant on me or mine on them.
Yes of course I have to do things I might prefer not to, getting up at 6 to drive 150 miles because work require me to is not something I do with a ‘happy step’ but I have to be grateful that I have a job, and enough money to now enjoy things out of work time, a means to an ends!
I thought if only the addict in my life stopped using we would be happy but the relationship was toxic regardless of whether he was using or not.
I think for me it’s not so much happy endings but happy beginnings, the fellowship,the step work all contribute to me healing myself and becoming a better healthier person. I have started making some truly magical friends that understand me without me having to feel as if I have to ‘make them like me’. I can talk to them outside of group time, we have been down parallel paths they get it! They get me. We can hang out and share our war stories but not for sympathy, which I would have done in the past, but with honesty because we know we get it. If this is happiness I don’t want it to end, because for the first time in my life I feel accepted for me unjudged and not alone. I am happy.
Thank you for reading

Where am I going…

  • I feel as tho I have hit some sort of a wall, I have struggled with my program, no not struggled but not got very far, procrastination is a shortcoming of mine, if I have something that I am not happy to do I put it off, no one is forcing me, to do my step work, my sponsor isn’t on my case, so I let it be…why would anyone want to do a fearless moral inventory? I know many stop or falter on this step, it’s a hard one to do! I guess that when you have not had to look at yourself or have been so in denial of all your feelings for so long, being asked to be honest and truthful about all the bad shit you’ve done its hard better to forget about it. It’s not only that tho I realise that the negative feelings I have had stem from the codependency I have, so the bad things the uncomfortable things that have happened have been as a direct result of me looking for love or wanting acceptance. The fear the anger the resentments are all symptoms of the disease. Well I am working it slowly and maybe that’s the way isn’t it? As long as I am giving it thought and changing in positive ways that has to be for the better, twice this week I have stepped back from voicing my opinion. Not my circus not my monkey! I guess their HP will guide them in the right direction.

Well that’s me done for now, it’s late I need sleep

 

One year on 

Back to the future! Posted on March 13, 2016 by hopelesslesslyaddicted

Things went as I thought they would, he was open to my fears and concerns but knew the right things to say back! He’s going to try to get somewhere else has agreed to let me find my head (and heart!) but now it’s up to him to prove me wrong. Of course he said the right things he wants to have an easy clean and happy life free of drugs and in recovery ( apparently with me) but where as 6 months ago I would have been well made up hearing his words today I was cynical. Of course I (don’t) know it must be horrible being told that your plans for the future are being changed last minute that you are no longer welcome when just a couple of weeks ago you were, coming off drugs in prison with little or no control over a situation must be very dis empowering and that wasn’t / isn’t my intention. But keeping me safe from addiction is. There is no place in my life for drugs or the drama it brings with it. There is no place in my life for mistrust and the drama that comes with that either. It’s complicated for sure but I will get thro it. With the love and guidance from my fellowship and HP. It might take a little longer than I wanted due to outside agencies needing to be involved but what will be will be. I didn’t back down but have to be reasonable given the shortness of time. We have both agreed that it’s not reasonable to expect him to find somewhere at such short notice ( if his bro don’t help him) but likewise it’s not fair on me to live in constant worry and mistrust. Right now I wish I could just take off somewhere for a couple of months with my dog and come home and just get on with my life in peace…no addicts no dramas no messed up head and heart! It’s not denial, it’s not even running away but I would just like all involved to sort out their shit without me being dragged into it. I like K he can be good company he’s how he was when I met him ( and that is dangerous for me!) I don’t like wishing my life away I don’t even really want to hover over a future that hasn’t come yet but for once I would like to fast forward and see what where and who is in my life in the next 6 months….I don’t want to go back to the future, but I wouldn’t mind if Marty could have a look and tell me 😀 
13/03/17

 One year on and things are so much better. He relapsed sadly but I didn’t. It took another stint in prison for him before I finally got the courage to change the things I can, when blog posts come up on my FB feed I reflect back. With the program on my side I knew I couldn’t change him, that as he spiralled out of control and back into addiction there was nothing I could do to stop it. The program taught me that. It was hard. I was in love with a false image of someone. I was trying to do the right thing – it’s hard when you’re being asked to have faith that the addict will actually succeed this time, that they promise that this time it will be different, so you stay you believe and when relapse happens you stay and believe because you have to have faith they will find recovery! And so it goes. When I said to him I couldn’t stay any longer but did have faith that one day he would find recovery and when he did he could then contact me a small part of me didn’t expect him to stay away. It’s weird and has taken time to get use to the idea, that this time he has actually respected my wishes or maybe thinks he’s burned his bridges, but in the time I have known him he has always always turned to me in times of need. So now I wonder if you ever get over being with an addict. Is he alive? Is he using? Is he in prison? Is he in rehab? I would like to know if he’s ok, but can’t contact his family to find out as that might be misconstrued as me wanting him back. I don’t think he would understand my genuine interest in how he’s getting on as anything else. So there you have it. 

I get comfort from a fellowship member who’s addictive loved one also disappeared offthe face of the earth. She too left wondering, tho she has heard that he’s alive in recovery and that must be so painful for her to know whilst she supported him when using now he’s in recovery doesn’t want to be with her.  I dare say ashamed for what he put her thro, but hurtful all the same. I am grateful for my fellowship and I’m grateful that I can live in peace and serenity. I am grateful to K for respecting my wishes. So a year ago I wondered where I would be? And now I have my answer. 

When things go right 

So I am coming to the end of my holiday a week away by myself well me and the dog! Back to a place I have been a few times before. This exact place 3 times now but first time alone and I have loved it! I have enjoyed being here in the past but it was always with someone else and in my codi mind set always putting them first….so this week – that week we work for and save for and give up other stuff for so we can live the dream week this week has been good. I have had a few ‘Karen’ moments lost my purse ( with my bank card and money) lost some shopping got lost driving but nothing so disasterous I couldn’t sort.  When I was with an addict i became ‘ clever’ with money or deceitful if you like. I hid money I hid bank accounts if you have read my story you know this already but if you haven’t it’s just part of being one step ahead looking out for me and my needs – some might call it control? I call it making sure I have enough to get thro the week or month. So when i realised my purse had gone just stopped the card and re orders a new one and transferred the money into another account which I had a bank card for ….I think my HP was looking out for me because I had not long gone to the bank to get some money out but the cash point was broken, other wise I would have been  maybe £50 down. So lost about £15. I had been saving my coins for parking as parking in Cornwall isn’t cheap and was more annoyed about that than anything as I no longer had change. The shopping? I bought a scarf and was given it in a bag, rather than put it in my ruck sac I carried it stopped for tea and put it down and never picked it up! Getting lost – easy when roads are closed and diversions aren’t clear for people that don’t live in the area. But I have enjoyed myself I have reached a point where I can please myself do what I want  to do. I had plans for the week some I have done others I haven’t. The dog has had some influence over what I could do – places I couldn’t go with her.  But all in all I have had a good week. 

Why am I sharing this on here? Not to say hey I’ve been on holiday! Nope I’m saying it because I have a real gut feeling that I am over my past. I have stopped living I hope – no I have stopped living in hopeless addiction – I live in hope always! I hope every addict finds a way out of the torture, I live in hope that every co- dependent realises the truth and works on them selves to be ‘co-dependent no more’* I live in hope that who ever reads this is happy not to take second best putting others in front of themselves in a desperate hope that person will love them more ( see last hope) but more importantly I live in hope for me! I wasn’t sure if I had much to blog about now but maybe I do. I give service for my fellowship and help out with our ‘help line’. I took a call the other day and the lady i spoke to said things I never thought I would hear – that I gave her hope that there was a way out, that I had been thro so much and yet  was willing to give to others and sounded positive and kind. I give service to give back to the fellowship that saved me. I share my experience strength and hope not for praise or nice words but to enable others to see the way – to live free from the life they live bound up in, the hurt addiction brings to them/us. I do not underestimate the pain the addict has to deal with mentally and physically, the torture they live in, but that is for the addict to say enough is enough not us that live with them and see it and try to deal with it. We can’t change it. As I read back through  this I am seeing step one – accept I am powerless over the addict and my life has become unmanageable!  I am living it now – how great is that – I give thanks to the fellowship and my HP for allowing it to happen and for allowing me to give me will over to my HP to guide me. My story is far from over my step work is slow but that is because I have to believe in every word before I can ask my sponsor to listen to my step. But I know I am in recovery and this week has proved it to me. When I came away before by myself to Cornwall I wasn’t happy I had already started my journey into co-dependency and attachment to an addict. I was wrapped up in him and what he thought and had lost my own will to him even though we had only just met. Other things contributed to my unhappy holiday a friend committed suicide whist I was here and it rained most the time but I wasn’t who I am now – of course! So I sign off with hope for you and me xx  

*Melodie Beatie 

The day that changed my life 

4 years ago I went out had a few drinks with friends came home had an accident and bam ended up in hospital! In the week that a dear friend died apparently from what I can ascertain an accident, I am blessed that at that time I had someone looking out for me and got me to the hospital, I say am blessed but 4 years ago in the hospital I met K! Who would have thought everything that has happened since came from a chance meeting in a hospital waiting area! In 4 years I have gone from living a carefree life ( ok not totally care free but happy with my lot!) to one that was difficult at times ( to say the least!) made me into a codependent ( or at least brought it to the forefront) brought me to a fellowship Where I had to make some serious changes about what I thought about myself and the addict. And if I think about it what I thought about addiction. I have met some fantastic people on my journey, I now have a new family – not that there’s any thing wrong with my birth family, but I now have a family that have lived this too have done the steps understand with out explaination. Don’t get me wrong I know my journey has affected my family too  they too will have felt the powerlessness I have when they have had to watch from the sidelines as their  Daughter/sister got dragged into a situation I had no understanding of and became sicker and sicker. I am blessed tho! I am blessed because most people don’t have to do the steps in their life. I am blessed that I now do. They are hard work they make you reassess everything in your life, most people just get on with life, living the chaos living in pain not knowing they have to change. Not realising there is another way. I have seen many come and go not understanding or maybe understanding but couldn’t do it, didn’t want to do it. Yes I am blessed! So I post this tonight to remind my self on our 4th anniversary that even tho I am not with him, no cards flowers meal out, I now have something far more important – my fellowship my God as I understand this my step work and a focus on finding serenity. 

My name is Karen – I am an addict…

I suppose this is a follow on from last night…you know I am coming to a difficult time I am getting ‘opinions’ from many right now. I had to miss my fellowship tonight because I HAD  to attend a training session for work. I missed my fellowship the experience strength and hope I so need right now. Today I felt like an addict I mean I felt how an addict must feel – yesterday I talked about faith, having faith in my ability to do what I have said I am going to do. But today that was questioned I felt as though the person in question didn’t believe me believe I could do what I said I was trying to do. Whilst I understand their concern it actually made me feel angry, sad, it made me feel as tho I couldn’t deliver, disempowered as though I was some stupid kid that couldn’t do what I said I was going to do….before my programme I would have reacted but I didn’t ok I am now but I would have reacted and accused and made a fuss. I am now just voicing my thoughts about it but  more importantly understanding how it feels for the addict when we constantly disbelieve they will say what they say they will do, when they have MADE that decision. It’s horrible. Yes the addict in my life has relapsed yes I have relapsed so many times since coming to my fellowship for the last 2 years 😕 I don’t need  to be told that you don’t think I can do this, I need you to say I know it’s difficult I know K can be very persuasive but I have faith that you can do this,  stay strong, but if you can’t we are here for you! 

Some thoughts & thanks on my journey

I am still overwhelmed by my programme and the other 12 step programmes people follow. No not overwhelmed humbled. I have met a few addicts on my journey especially on my blog. Some struggling some in recovery. The one thing that stands out is those following the 12 steps willingly give their time to support others. Giving service is part of the 12 steps. Helping others. Not saving not enabling but sharing our strength and hope so that they might recover too. One blog I follow is by a recovering addict. He has done so well he shares openly and I see so much of K in his posts it gives me hope that maybe one day he too will come to realise there is another way. The programme works. But you have to work it. It doesn’t just magically happen. We have to change our thinking we have to change years of habits, mindsets, we have to learn to live a different way of life. A different way to live. I had been resistant for a long time it was only when i gave my will over to a God of my understanding that I could start my programme with vigour. As I said in a previous post we are not born bad but are moulded by the environment around us. We are all dependent on what happens to us though life and whether we have the tools to deal with that. Today I am grateful for my fellowship, for coming to WordPress and meeting some great people, for following your journeys, the good times and the bad, I am grateful there is always hope – for all of us.

This was a small reminder this morning that even in the storms we endure in life there is always some beauty x

where am I?

Since joining my fellowship I have learnt that I can’t do the steps in 12 days 12 months even who knows 12 years! I wanted quick fix answers to a problem that I thought was mine to fix! Then I came to understand that actually it wasn’t mine to fix and i couldn’t fix it even if I knew how to. Giving it over to my HP meant I could actually focus on things i could fix – me!

when I started the work I never thought I would ever get my head around it, but what kept me coming back was hearing others sharing their experiences strength and hope and thought if it works for them maybe it could work for me too? And now? Well it’s me sharing my experience of how I have changed my focus, set my boundaries ( which still get bent at times!) and have given the job of fixing to a power greater than me. Sometimes I read a blog that I follow and think wow yes I can totally relate to that! It might be from a recovering addict a using addict, and I think you know what? our situations aren’t all that different, we might be on opposite sides of the addiction spectrum in as much as I was focusing on the affect living with someone else’s addiction as apposed to fighting the/living in addiction but we are all fighting every day to follow a new way of life, putting our trust in a higher power and hopefully getting strength and hope from our fellowships and the love we receive there.

I am going to try to find more time to start writing again, not to gossip about what is going on in my life right now with my qualifier (K) but to put the spotlight on me again to look at what I achieved.. Time will tell I guess!

Back to the blog then! 

After a break I thought I would give you all an update if you are interested. After a short holiday in Cornwall, we came back to normality. I thought he had done very well he had been fairly well over the week we were away, we had some nice days out. Things weren’t too bad between us given the night before we left. Anyway I was expecting the question can we just go to…. On the way home and of course it came, it added an extra 2 hours to the journey I was tired and really didn’t need this shit on the way home but he promised the usual I won’t use until I get back to yours, it will only be 10 minutes…blah blah blah, heard it all before and knew it would be impossible for him to not use the minute he got his grubby paws on a fix! I suggested he stayed as he had to go back on the Monday to see his land lady – or so he said, but he didn’t want to. So on the Monday he disappeared back to mac and then came home a couple of days later. He had some money because he had got paid when we was away, so I wasn’t getting involved with it.

Then on the tuesday last week when he was paid again he said he had to go to pay his rent, he came with me to Liverpool and was going to find his own way ( by jumping the train probably! ) back to mac. He paid me some money  he owed me in fact he gave me it all short of a tenner which for him was good. He had said some dealers had been in his flat when he went down the week before so it wasn’t locked up. I voiced my opinion that I thought it was risky leaving them there by themselves – not coz he has anything to steal but because letting them work out of there would be an instant eviction if the land lady found out. But hey non of my business! He called later to say he was going to see his sister that night and stop over, which I was cool with and that his crisis loan that he had applied for to go on holiday with should be in his account on Wednesday so was going to buy some trackies for detox, and then come home. He went shopping but didn’t come home! He said his mate was staying over as had just come out of jail and had no where to stay but would be back in the moring. I wasn’t too pleased but thought well he hasn’t seen him in a while and as long as he’s not asking me for money it’s no big deal. No actually what I thought was Bollox he’s going to be using with his mate and I could do with out this! Any way I am trying not to get involved with his using and giving my opinion on it as its not my life but his so kept quiet. He called Thursday morning to ask what time the train was back so I gave him two times but he never came back. He had now missed 2 days meth, and had been told that it would be stopped if he didn’t attend, so I reminded him of that, he said it was fine the chemist doesn’t close til 11:30pm and he would be home well before then. Of course I was more concerned with whether this was all bull shit and he was with her in Bolton. Then I got a call about 2pm  could I help him out? His mate had gone off to score and not come back he hadn’t had his meth he was really ill,…. The usual shit, I explained that I was skint, after the holiday and the fact I had had to borrow some money myself due to needing two new tyres for the car, it was not really very convenient to give him money. I ended up killing or hanging up the phone over 30 times. But when he is like that he refuses to take no for an answer. In the end I transferred twenty quid into his bank on the promise that he would be on the 6:20 train home, he didn’t come back. He turned up on Friday. I don’t know if he got his meth, I wasn’t really bothered. I was going away for the weekend, but he had received a call from the detox unit with a date for him to go. Wednesday this week! I went away and had a nice time with the family, they met the dog and all was good. I came home early on the Sunday because I had got some plants that needed to go in at the allotment so came home early so I had time to plant them in the afternoon. I was  tired from the drive, and he was sat there in his coat looking all pathetic. It was a lovely day so I knew he couldn’t be cold. What up with you? Ill was the response. Ill ill? Or rattling ill? Rattling, oh well that’s coz you have been hammering it since we got back from Cornwall – the sympathy stakes have been whittled away, I couldn’t care less if he’s rattling now. Can you help me? No. Come on love I am ill I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t. But you are always ill! So you are always asking… You are as bad now as when we were together in Mac, I don’t want it or need it.

You don’t want me here do you?

No not when you are like this no I don’t!

You seem to have given up trying, you did a week in Cornwall and since we got back you have used every day except one! You have detox in 4 days you are going to be really Ill if you continue using, you will be rattling and coming off meth.

I am going to be brief about the next bit, all I am going to say is this he took my car and my phone which had my bank cards in it. Since he took my bank card one night and took out money that I could little afford I keep the card with me at night in my phone case. I honestly thought he had gone to morecambe to score. It wasn’t until about an hour later when he hadn’t come back and I tried to call him and he didn’t answer the phone that I started to panic. There was not much fuel in the car, but I was staring to think he must have gone to Bolton because 1 he was refusing to answer the phone and 2 the length of time he had been gone. I went on line and saw he had indeed used my card and taken out £30 ten in Carnforth and £20 in Bolton, I went ballistic! I phoned again and again but he killed the call and then switched off the phone. I transferred all the money in the account into one he couldn’t access, and txt him to call me. He didn’t. So he had gone to see her before going into detox? If he was just buying drugs that would be bad enough but there was no reason for him not to answer the phone if that was all he was doing. I was livid. Taking the car and my phone was bad enough but spending money that was for something else no that was the last straw. By 8pm he still hadn’t come back. I contacted work as was at a loss as to what to do. I needed my car to get to work, this wasn’t on. I said I would have to get the train, but it would mean an early start for me but thought I could manage it. There was a train at 7:40 that got me in so I could get to where I had to be. But kept hoping he would return. By 11pm I gave up. I went to bed but didn’t sleep. The alarm went off at 6 but I had hardly slept every time I heard a car go past, a door slam, I was awake was it him? I decided to phone in sick, I was too tired to go to work and didn’t know what to do for the best.

I was physically and mentally exhausted. But I was thinking this is because of detox one last blast before he goes in he will be back later….but he wasn’t. I had to think ahead. I needed my cards back I needed bloody everything back, but how long to wait?  I knew new cards would take at least 5 days the phone about a day or so the last time I had to have it replaced because I lost it it was about 2 days. If he didn’t come back for detox then what? I am working away next week should have been working this bloody week! I need to have my cards phone and preferably my car back by then! I decided I had no choice I had to report them all stolen. I started with the cards, those would be the easiest. 5 working days so it could be Monday next week. Not ideal but ok. Then I knew I would need a crime number for the phone. So would have to contact the police first. This was a bit tricky…. He wasn’t insured to drive the car and it had been over 24 hours so  they would be asking why I didn’t just report it straight away….well because I thought to start with he had just gone to  morecambe 6 miles down the road… Even when I realised he had gone to Bolton I still expected him back the same night, and to be honest even though I was majorly pissed off that he had taken money out of my account, I still thought he would be back for detox, and foolishly believed him when he said that’s what he wanted to do! I thought reporting it to the police would be more hassle than it was worth, he had used the car before but only to go to Morecambe, and even though I knew it was wrong it was sometimes easier than getting dressed at night and driving him to score. But I had given him fair warning! I had said answer my text call me or I WILL have to report the car as stolen and he still refused to do so, so all in all I think i was fair leaving it 26 hours before telling the police. How much more do you want to know??? It was Tuesday before I gave a statement  it’s never as straight forward as you think it will be. The officer that took the statement didn’t ring back with a crime number then when I got it either the officer that gave it to me gave me the wrong number or maybe ( but I dispute this) I wrote it down wrong, so when I emailed the phone company with the details they didn’t process it , but didn’t call me to tell me! The car insurance people are just a bunch of numpties that haven’t a fooking clue! When I phoned to see how long they usually took before they decide the car is not going to be retrieved they didn’t know and kept asking whether I was going to press charges or not and even when I said but I have given a statement and said I will go to court wanted proof that I said I would press charges! I kept asking what proof do you need but they couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me, so ended up with me having to phone the police back and ask them to tell them, but and here’s the good bit….they aren’t allowed to do that because of data protection for fucks sake!!! By 4:30 yesterday afternoon I was ready to commit hari Kari!

In the mean time I had been onto find my phone app and could see where my phone was, my work emails , all my bookings for the year so far were disappearing and being deleted, ( not by me) any emails locating my phone’s location were also being deleted even tho the phone was supposed to be blocked! So I contacted the police in Bolton to tell them where my phone was and said I assume my car will be in the area too. It wasn’t, but at least they looked for me. Bolton isn’t in my county and my police force hadn’t informed the Bolton police that I had an address, so that pissed me off too. Bolton police come under greater Manchester police and I am sure that they are over stretched with all the cuts but you know what’s? They treated me with far more respect and understanding than my local police force did, so well done GMP! So that’s about it so far….it’s pretty shit living in the country with no car or cash card. One bus an hour to get to the nearest town that has my bank to take out money so over 21/2 hours to get to Morecambe and back just to go to the bank. Do I feel bad for reporting him to the police? For the inconviences alone no I don’t! Do I want to see him again most definitely not, do I feel sorry for him? Yes if that is what addiction makes you do then yes but if that’s just him not giving a shit about how his behaviour will impact on me then no, but more importantly I care about how his behaviour impacts on me – do not accept the unacceptable is a catch phrased used in my fellowship, in the last 72 hours I have experienced the unacceptable and will not accept it. So I guess that means I have moved on, I am learning and can rest easy in knowing that it’s ok to put me first.

I assume he didn’t make detox? He called me Wednesday morning. No doubt to ask for money and said the car had run out of fuel I asked him where it was he refused to tell me I said you know what? You could have told me it ran out of fuel 3 days ago but you didn’t and hung up. I haven’t heard back.😔

Don’t suppose this will be the end of it…. I don’t doubt for a minute that he won’t be in touch either when they arrest him or find the car and then arrest him but I doubt very much this is the end of it, but this time for me it most definitely is. If you have read the blog from start to now you know I have said this is it the end blah blah blah but this time I see it for what it is and for what he is, and I don’t like him any more. Before I blamed the drugs the addiction, but it goes far deeper. On my journey to recovery I have learnt what I find acceptable and what is not and this is not and I will not accept it. He does not deserve me or my kindness, and we all know kindness is not a weakness and should never ever been seen as such.

For now readers I say bye and wish you peace x