Still finding it hard 

I sometimes wonder as I get stronger when or if it will happen if I will ever find the real serenity and spirituality I deserve. In my new group I listened to the shares some still living with their addicted loved ones ( mainly partners in this group so good for my progress) I want to learn how they do it. I want to learn how it’s possible to live in/with active addiction. This new group is not drug focus its alcohol I don’t know enough about it to know if it’s the same or different?? I think with narcotics it’s totally illegal so it is different alcohol is legal accepted even encouraged in some settings. In British culture it’s so embedded not having a drink is almost seemed weird, unnatural ūüėē you’re seen as boring or  you are asked are you ill? if you ask for a soft drink in a pub or on a night out. So still a long way to go and lots to learn but with the strength and love of my HP I hope to learn and gain the strength. 

It’s funny I don’t even care anymore of the hurt caused to me by others behaviour towards me this week. Their wrong assumptions actually are their problem not mine. 1 year ago – 6 months ago I would have been desperate for that person’s love and wanted them to want to be my friend – now I am no longer worried. Not because I don’t care about them – I do – but I am no longer that needy person I was, grabbing onto any scrap of friendship or love offered to me. Now I accept my wrongs apologies when I am wrong and my behaviour has impacted on someone, but I am not responsible for anyone else’s perceptions of me or their perceptions of things I have said or done. With that I say good night 

This week my boundaries  were put to the test. I was asked to do something I neither wanted to do or agreed with so said no. I guess I am fed up with people using me and realise there is an alternative. I don’t like people going back on their word. I don’t like people making assumptions. Just because I did something in the past does not mean I have or will do it again. It’s not that I don’t care, but I care for myself more. If you don’t like it I don’t ask you to hang around. 12 steps wouldn’t be a bad thing to facilitate in schools. I don’t mean for kids using substances but as a tool to teach self esteem. Maybe if I had more of it I would have not taken so much shite from people. Maybe the world would be a bit nicer if people were less wrapped up in their own insignificance issues and looked at the bigger picture. 

I am feeling a bit sad today. An assumption was made that was wrong. I understood why but didn’t care for it. I know I have done wrong in the past with this person but the  issue raised was totally unrelated and it saddened me that I was guilty as charged because of our history. I probably responded badly too as was short of time and incredulous  at the accusation. Trust is a fragile thing. I know from my own experiences of it. When it broken it takes time to heal, if in fact it ever does. 

Which brings me right back to my refusal to do what I don’t want to do and to be played a fool! 

I will give, I will help you out, I will do anything I can. But don’t say one thing and do another. If you don’t want to do something then don’t say you do. Or don’t do something because you think it will please someone if you don’t want to do it.  I think this little post is advice to myself! I have been let down again and found it difficult.  

But on the plus side I stuck by my principals and didn’t give in to unacceptable requests. That actually threw up a lot of negative feelings for me. It was only when a friend said but you stuck to your boundaries I felt better about it. 

So a lot going on in my head at the moment. 

No doubt there will be a backlash from me refusing to do what I was asked, from deciding not to be taken for a ride, and for the misunderstandings but on this occasion I know I am right.  What I did do and didn’t do were for the right reasons I am answerable to no one but myself. In fact the only person that really was hurt by another’s behaviour was me.