Just doing it for me 😊

I do like pay day! In the past I use to dread it, endless demands for money and there was no way out of it, even if I wasn’t with him it would be constant phone calls until I transferred money. Total stress. I had absolutely no excuse not to give him what he wanted ( apart from not wanting to but that went unheard) Even when we weren’t together he used to make a reappearance around pay day. But now I get paid and I can go out and buy nice things. I know that’s not so important that material things aren’t so important in the big scheme of things, but little treats are nice at times. Today I bought a pestle and mortar and some cushion covers! Hardly world stopping but I’m trying to make my house nice. I live alone with my dog so I want to be in a aesthetically pleasing environment when I’m in the house. Anyway that’s all really finding my way back to my life getting it all back together #feelingbetter 

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Trainspotting 

T2 has gone live in the cinema, I am tempted but it’s such a long time since I saw T1 I was uncertain. I remember watching T1 and enjoying it but also remember being shocked by it – there are some nasty moments in it. But that was before before I had lived with a heroin addict! If I’m to watch T2 then I would have to watch T1 again, how would it be perceived now – now I’ve experienced what it’s really like not a film portrayal. But I downloaded it watched it and in fairness to Danny Boyle it’s actually very good still shocking in bits the violence is raw the ‘worse toilet in Scotland’ still is but I totally got it this time…the lengths addicts will go to to get what they need, probably in my subconscious why I hated K shooting up in toilets! Saw thro a different perspective than 20 years ago but still as real – probably more so! So yes I will go and see T2. Will be interesting to see how 20 years has changed them all. 

Disappointments 

No biggy really it’s not like my worlds gonna end, but sometimes when you have been totally honest with yourself and done all that you can do to make something happen and it doesn’t it’s disappointing. That’s where I find myself tonight. I’m a Slimming World member. Bingeing is part of my make up, food drink excitement the OC behaviours I mentioned in my last ( second from last) post. SW gives me boundaries. I try hard to stick to them. I get an allowance of ‘syns’ for those unhealthy life choices such as sugar fat and alcohol. Most weeks I stick like glue to my 105 syns a week or 15 a day. If I have a few extra at the weekend I still have some flexibility to have some treats in the week too. So when I had stuck 💯% to my plan and lost not 1oz of weight it makes me disappointed. Over Christmas week I lost 2lbs how can that be?!? On holiday in Spain I gained 4lbs totally knew why I ate and drank more than I would usually I had little control over the food and how it was prepared but I did have choices regarding the drink. I chose unwisely but that was ok. Now this week being on plan not lying ( to myself)  about even 1 syn to have maintained was a total shock! I post most my food every day on Instagram so my consultant sees what I eat, even he can’t figure it out! If I was a secret food eater or drinker I would know in my heart how it had gone wrong! If I’d gone wildly over my syn allowance I would know why! I know this might be boring to read and I apologise but it’s bugging me and I wanted to get it out there! Out of my head so I don’t waste hours ruminating about it. No doubt I’ve done something wrong but can’t work it out just yet! Maybe not enough water but I did drink gallons of green tea ☕️. Well that’s it I will try not to think about it and put it to bed, where I’m going to go myself! 

A sign? 

Before writing my last post I had the urge to clean the office! Nothing drastic but just to see if there was anything I could de-clutter! I found a couple of boxes and in them were  3 rings. One my old wedding ring and 2 Chanel rings from a set of 3. The third is down the back of the fire place…. that’s another story in itself! I had looked several times for theses rings before and never found them. I had assumed they had been taken and pawned. K I did you an injustice, for that I apologise however it’s was well within your scope to do something like that so won’t beat myself up about having those thoughts! 

But I wonder why now they have come to light? Why now in 2 separate boxes I have found them? I know it sounds crazy but is it a sign of something? If it is can you show me where my iPad mini is? I put it somewhere and can’t find it! You asked me where it was the last time you were here and I said I didn’t know, of course I thought he had taken it! I thought he had taken the rings ( I’ve said that I know) if you’re making amended from the other side I accept! 

Just a little musing on a Monday afternoon! Who knows?? I have looked in those boxes before I know I have that’s why I was so shocked to see them…. anyway I share it with you as what ever the reason I’m pleased to have them back 😀 

Walking the walk 

Whilst I have been writing this blog many things have happened. I relapsed again and again going back to my negative self belief that I was somehow knew better than  K that he should want to get and stay in recovery, that I was better than ‘god’ and I could save K from self destruction. I’m Not sure how or when my mind set changed but it did. Call it my HP if you like, but something steered me away. Something clicked and I came to believe that this was not my job it is well and truly Gods job. Reading another’s blog this afternoon affirmed this @fromstruggletostrength. The words struck a chord with me. The self hate and self loathing that K lived with weren’t mine to fix. They never were. He often would say he liked using drugs and I don’t doubt it. It blocked out all the feelings ( for a while) but then on coming too the self loathing starts again, I’m sure you are aware of the cycle of addiction. 

Looking at myself and some of the defects of character I may have, I have recognised my OC behaviours. Some are for the good putting 110% into a project is never a bad thing, I know that I have addictive traits to my personality. I don’t have a cut off switch when it comes to alcohol. I have nothing  drink for weeks at a time but if I have more than a couple I’m in a very dangerous place as my brain makes me believe I want more. I have to put things in place to stop me, like making sure I have no money around or going out in the car so I only have 1. Again I can have drink in the house and not touch it, but if I open it the chances are I’ll drink it. I don’t even know why I am writing  this! I’ve digressed! Oh yes the OC traits!! I’m not very disciplined when it comes to doing stuff, my blog is very haphazard. In the beginning I had lots to say, I was still in denial and self pitying mode. I had joined a fellowship and if I’m honest was a non believer! But I wrote and wrote often I became obsessed with writing it. My journey was slow I relapsed like I say, but that’s because I didn’t understand the harm I was still doing to my self. But I didn’t give up – I wanted to live a different way. The co-dependent wanting to believe in a dream that wasn’t shared. Once I understood that then it became easier to really walk the walk. Once I fully 100% understood that I could NEVER change the addict, that no matter how much he said he didn’t want to live that way, until he actually changed it for himself, I could do nothing. Maybe you read this and wonder why it took me so long or it is obvious that you can’t change another’s behaviour, maybe you are thinking she’s said this before, and I probably have, but that was talking the talk! Now I 100% believe I am walking the walk! My OCB meant I was fixated on making him better, on doing anything and everything to get my reward, a clichĂŠ but couldn’t see the wood for the trees! My fellow blogger stated that addiction wants to kill you, and it does. It wants you to live in misery it feeds off that and gets stronger so you stay in it thinking that everything will be all right, that eventually your loved one will see the light – didn’t they say they didn’t want to live like this whilst asking again for money! It’s self destruct on every level. 

Do I wonder what’s happening to him yes of course you dont give up 4 years to a person without wondering how they are and what they are doing. But thankfully even if he is still in addiction I somehow found the strength to let go and let god. 

My latest obsession is instagram I don’t think that’s too harmful! But like a lot of my obsessions it will become boring and I will stop, or at least not be on it as much! I need an obsession for my step work haha maybe tho now I am getting settled again I will find the time, but we are coming close to the start of my other love the growing season 😃 seeds getting sorted my spare bed room turned into a growing room propagaters cleaned and ready – that’s one obsession I won’t get hurt by! 

Thanks for reading 

Hope x