As part of my recovery I have joined another fellowship, I can’t get to face to face meetings but have access to a Skype group and an e-group. The e-group has a weekly topic, and people can share through the week. This week’s topic is Happy Endings. I’m not sure I have a ‘Happy Ending’ as such as yet, but I am starting to feel happy. Through one of my fellowship groups I have met some awesome people, these people get it, get me. We don’t have to even speak we can just be. They’ve been there lived it the same as me. That bond is hard to explain, but they will always hold a special place in my heart. So Happy Endings? Maybe be maybe not… anyway here’s my share,
Happy endings? I have thought about what to share on this topic, there was a time when I thought my life would never be happy. But that was when I was placing my happiness in the hands of others, if only he would do this or that, if only I didn’t have to do this or that for work, if only I didn’t have to do…. with the help of my HP and the fellowships I attend I understand that happiness is truly in my hands. I am not reliant on others for my happiness. If I don’t like to do something I don’t have to, because I think or feel I have to to keep others happy. Others happiness is not reliant on me or mine on them.
Yes of course I have to do things I might prefer not to, getting up at 6 to drive 150 miles because work require me to is not something I do with a ‘happy step’ but I have to be grateful that I have a job, and enough money to now enjoy things out of work time, a means to an ends!
I thought if only the addict in my life stopped using we would be happy but the relationship was toxic regardless of whether he was using or not.
I think for me it’s not so much happy endings but happy beginnings, the fellowship,the step work all contribute to me healing myself and becoming a better healthier person. I have started making some truly magical friends that understand me without me having to feel as if I have to ‘make them like me’. I can talk to them outside of group time, we have been down parallel paths they get it! They get me. We can hang out and share our war stories but not for sympathy, which I would have done in the past, but with honesty because we know we get it. If this is happiness I don’t want it to end, because for the first time in my life I feel accepted for me unjudged and not alone. I am happy.
Thank you for reading
Last night I was privileged to be invited to a surprise party in celebration of a ‘first year’ in recovery party. I can’t tell you how special it was. One year clean of drugs after battling with a disease that takes so many. To be in a group of recovering addicts it’s truly magical. The hope that radiates from them is tangible. I was more than lucky to be invited as I didn’t know the guy personally but know his wife. For us affected by another’s addiction this is what we dream of, we get it wrong we push them into recovery when they don’t want it, we make them feel like shit because we want them to stop using drugs – they want to stop but it’s not that simple. In the UK rehab and detox are not easily available on the NHS we don’t have the funds for private treatment centres – that’s for the rich and famous! But last night knowing that this individual had faced his demons and will have had the resolve to stay off the drugs for a whole year was most definitely worth celebrating. This morning I thank his HP for giving him the strength to do this, for his gorgeous wife who has stood by him, and arranged his special evening and my HP for guiding me to this life where I can celebrate the successes, but also be there for those who’s loved ones haven’t got there yet. We have to remember this is their journey when the time is right they will find recovery, we have to have faith.
I feel truly blessed that I have been given access to this amazing community, and whilst I work in my recovery give thanks for all those that are also finding theirs.
Just seem to be all over the place this week, I don’t know if it’s because of the work I’m doing on myself, and it’s bringing up too many feelings or if I’m just having a bad week in general. I don’t think I’m overthinking stuff, I am trying to be honest with myself and my HP, but I do feel let down by someone, and it’s having a negative impact on me….I know that I have no control over another’s actions, but if those actions are hurtful to me would that not give me reason to feel sad. I own the fact that because I have been basically ignored when asking for help has hurt me, it has reinforced my feelings of negative self worth, and I am fighting that, but thought by writing it down I might get a clearer understanding of what is going on for me. I’m loving my home group and feel it is very beneficial to me I am opening up and being honest, I even raised my concerns for my other group. Not concerns but I’m feeling very much not part of the group at the moment, I feel as though people are looking to me for experience strength and hope and right now it’s not happening. I don’t have the strength right now to give. We have recently had a lot of newcomers to my second group, this is great I’m grateful that their HP’s have brought them to recovery – but there are lots of personalities that I don’t feel comfortable with. I think I’m overwhelmed by trying to process what everyone is saying…when the group was smaller it was easier but with so many newcomers not listening to our principals it is actually making me feel very uncomfortable. If I sit there and say nothing nothing will change but this is not my group, it’s our group and if the majority don’t challenge cross talk or Interruptions is it my place to ☹️ I suppose if it is causing me upset then yes it is. Besides I’m caring for the group not caretaking we have the principals there to keep the group safe so maybe I need to voice that.
- I feel as tho I have hit some sort of a wall, I have struggled with my program, no not struggled but not got very far, procrastination is a shortcoming of mine, if I have something that I am not happy to do I put it off, no one is forcing me, to do my step work, my sponsor isn’t on my case, so I let it be…why would anyone want to do a fearless moral inventory? I know many stop or falter on this step, it’s a hard one to do! I guess that when you have not had to look at yourself or have been so in denial of all your feelings for so long, being asked to be honest and truthful about all the bad shit you’ve done its hard better to forget about it. It’s not only that tho I realise that the negative feelings I have had stem from the codependency I have, so the bad things the uncomfortable things that have happened have been as a direct result of me looking for love or wanting acceptance. The fear the anger the resentments are all symptoms of the disease. Well I am working it slowly and maybe that’s the way isn’t it? As long as I am giving it thought and changing in positive ways that has to be for the better, twice this week I have stepped back from voicing my opinion. Not my circus not my monkey! I guess their HP will guide them in the right direction.
Well that’s me done for now, it’s late I need sleep
Today is my 3rd anniversary of joining NAR-ANON. Every year I learn more about myself and how the program works. I came broken, I put blame on the addict whilst refusing to think that I had done anything wrong. Locked in my codependent mind set I saw myself as a victim. Granted I hadn’t been treated well, but had made all my own decisions to do what I did. I didn’t think that of course at the time I thought I didn’t have the choice to walk away, I wanted to fix something that wasn’t mine to fix. Being told over and over to have faith that he would get back into recovery held me there. The worse it got the more I wanted to stay, to see it thro, to prove I wouldn’t give up on him. Now with every passing month I see the changes I have made, by giving strength and hope to others starting in their journeys I see myself, lost desperate for help, wanting the addict in their lives to stop using, but the pain we experience is inflicted by our own wants and desires, not the addicts. I understand that now, but probably took longer than it should to accept or even realise.
Step one – Came to realise We are powerless over the addict and my life had become unmanageable.
My life was in a mess that’s for sure I even believed I was powerless over him, but not to the point of understanding I have now. What that really means. To be fair I think it was post step 3 ( turn my will over to the God of my understanding) that Step 1 started to make sense. It’s not my job it’s Gods job to guide the addict. My job is to let go let God and focus on me. I dare say as I work the program and I mean work it not be a passive passenger, I will look back in another year and think how much further I have come on again, and that’s good. I look forward to it. My journey to recovery in both the fellowships I am now attending is positive, I am starting to get a feeling for me and who I could be, left it a bit late but I am finding serenity and for that I will always be grateful.