Resentments 

I spent years not reacting not responding just building up resentment – hardly healthy but didn’t know what else to do so did nothing. But the thing was i was doing something. I just wasn’t aware of it. 

I’ll be frank and honest ( I have to be!) as a child I learnt not to react not to be honest. One of my earliest memories was being totally honest and getting a slap. I probably reacted to that and cried but soon learnt that didn’t achieve anything. It didn’t stop or change what had happened but as a child it was the only way I knew how to express my hurt pain frustration. I remember crying a lot. I didn’t have the emotional vocabulary the self esteem to express myself any other way. I was a pretty sad kid. I was disliked in school by other kids because my parents taught their older brothers and sisters and then once I got to 11 went to the same school they taught in and was hated even more. We’re talking an age when punishment in school was often physical and it was the norm to  administer the cane, and often told of tales of what had happened in class and the consequences, so of course I was scared to ‘get in trouble’ in case I had some of the same. That threat whether real or imaginary hung over me all the time. It lead to mistrust lies and of course unhappiness. Even now I am thinking should I write this – but as an adult is not thro fear as such but because I dont want it to sound bad or negative. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings for something that happened a thousand years ago!! (40 I’m sometimes prone to exaggeration!) 

So the point is when I lived with someone in active addiction I sometimes reacted if it was something that was impacting on me, rarely responded but definitely was building up resentments! I learnt that reacting every time he wanted money only led to the next hour or so being badgered until I gave in, or going to the cash point to PROOVE there was no money in the account by actually trying to withdraw the money, which always led to something of mine being pawned or sold. So often just capitulated and if I had money gave it to him with out a fight because it was easier and I had already had a 13 hour day and couldn’t be arsed when the outcome would be the same – except I would be even more exhausted + £20 down! Of course this led to resentments building. But ultimately it was me that was responsible because I could have left him. Not so easy when you love someone to leave. I had the carrot of recovery dangled so of course I stayed – I had to see this thro! I had to be supportive but all the time resentments because it wasn’t happening, before he went to rehab I was resentful at the system at the drugs services for their stupid rules. I was resentful that I was paying £20+ a day to some dealer whilst I was working my ass off and had nothing for myself including food, so in fact was resentful at myself for doing this day in day out with nothing in return, but then I couldn’t see it. I can now and how all my resentments actually come back to how I reacted and not  responded to the situation I was in. I didn’t have my program for the first 2 years so wasn’t aware there was a better way to live, that I didn’t have to live in the crazy town of addiction. And respond the way I did. I certainly do not feel resentful to my HP or my program for me not being aware of them being there, because when  I found them I  still ignored what I needed to do but definitely don’t resent them. 

I like this journey of discovery – it’s hard, taking responsibility always is. But for me to progress I have to take a bit of pain now to negate the pain I have experienced, but better that than living in this deep seated pain for the rest of my life,  I have to face up to the denial get out of it and look at why these resentments have developed. I also know ( now) it’s my chance to hand them over I don’t have to challenge anyone for the pain I experienced even as I kid as an adult I can now learn to heal that inner child myself, to grow healthily – if it didn’t happen when I was younger it doesn’t matter – that only leads to resentment, so blame aside and move forward in the healing hands on my HP as I know she won’t let me down. 

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And so to the new year and the end of my story….

so in between Christmas and new year we stayed in macclesfield and came back to mine for the New Year….I don’t know why we bothered really. He was back in active addiction by now, using every day and of course the methadone. I have posted about New Years Day earlier in my blog so won’t repeat it. I wasn’t in work until the 5th so on the Friday we had to go back to Mac so he could pick up his script. I was working in Manchester on the Monday so I think we stayed at his for the weekend. So I wasn’t wasting money on fuel. I had a little job in the moring and I am not sure if he came with me or not but after I finished I either went back to Mac to pick him up or he was with me and we went to score. I think I came back for him as he scored in Mac, dealers were back now they had had their Christmas break! So inconsiderate didn’t they know I had to drive all over Cheshire and Lancashire trying to score lol! We then went to the leisure centre so he could have a dig. Work called me when I was waiting. It was only the 5th Jan and my money was running low already, but he had promised to give me the £100 he owed me the next day when he got his benefits. I have already explained what happened next (see 5th Jan post if you want to know) so after he came back to the car I dropped him off home and went back to mine so I could work from home. I still don’t fully understand what happened. He has said he didn’t want to drag me down. I think he had played me all the time. He had no intention of stopping using. He used me for the money until his benefits came through, and then dumped me. But this is the bit that I can’t work out. He knew he could use me for money. So maybe just maybe that little part of him that still has some decency left decided to letting me go was the right thing to do. Maybe he could see a change in me how ever slight, I was using language he had heard in rehab, he would pull me up for it. Saying why you using that term? We are not in groups now!  And I would say but yes I am though I am still in my fellowship even if you are not. I am putting in to practice what I have learnt or at least trying to. Maybe he knew this time it wouldn’t be as easy. He would have to work a little bit harder to get his money. That he knew I didn’t want to live in a life of addiction any more. It’s now been 11 days since he last phoned. My mobile is still blocked to him. He can call the house phone at the moment, but I am thinking of getting a bar on that too. Maybe I am not ready to cut my ties completly? Maybe I like the thought of him wanting me, even if it’s just for money, just to have a bit of a verbal sparring match to see who wins? But if I am thinking like that then he has won. 

So there you have it. What brought me here. I think my posts will be fewer now. I will read back and see if I have missed anything significant. No doubt I will remember something I haven’t told you. If I continue to write it will now be about my journey, through the steps. I might revisit things and analyse what I have done. What I would do differently. Maybe I will look at the impact on me. 

When you live in the chaotic world of addiction, you can’t see much. My life became second place, no probably even further down than that.  I am not anti drugs. I think some people can use them safely like drink. But some people can’t. Addiction any addiction creeps up slowly. You don’t even know it’s happening. My life had become unmanageable. I should be happy that I am free of that. But I doesn’t stop me loving the man I met. I know that I will never see that man again. I wish I could. Maybe one day he will make the break for real. All I ever wanted was that man back. That’s why I held out time after time, lie after lie, broken promise after broken promise, I understood it was the drugs that made him behave like this. I believed in him. I believed he wanted to be free, to be the man I had met. Addiction killed us both. The fun loving people we were eroded away. We became obsessed with money ( or at least lack of it) getting the next bag, me finding ways to restrict his usage him trying to find a new believable lie to get more money from me. We existed we didn’t live. He said once because I didn’t want him grafting it was the longest he had stayed out of prison and on the drugs. He said he usually had a bit of a break from it if he went to jail.  He said his life of crime was over, that he wanted a good life with me. He thanked me for keeping him out of jail. He said he wanted us to be together which is why he didn’t go out grafting unless he really had to. We tried to live we tried to be normal do normal couple things at the weekends, go on holidays. We did. I don’t know how ill he was when we were away, he said the meth held him. And we sometimes had fun. I will hang on to the good times we had, because although there weren’t many when we were away from accessing drugs we did have a good time together. I don’t know if he really loved me. But if he didn’t then maybe he should go into acting because he played a very good part. Maybe he was just grateful….but for now let me believe he did love me even if it was only for a little while. This is now getting emotional for me so I will stop. Thank you for reading. 

Karen x 

Finding it hard and emotional 😢😢

The last 48 hours have been hard…several unanswered phone calls and txt. In the end I conceded and txt him back. I said please stop. I can’t have you asking me for money all the time, you can’t expect me to help you, I care for you and feel sorry for your situation but if I continually give you money you will never have to get out of addiction. I can’t live with that on my conscience . ( release with love)
If I am honest the only way I can refuse him is if I don’t speak to him. If I do I am always talked round, and what’s more part of me still wants to believe what he says even though I know it’s rubbish. God I hate addiction, I hate what he becomes. I wish….I don’t know what I wish! I suppose I still wish he would call me and not ask for money, but I don’t suppose I would be happy with that cos I would be waiting for the ask!
I hate the thought of him now homeless ( if that part’s true) cold no food staying at friends…not even friends other addicts probably, this is what I struggle with, I am not one to see people suffering. 2 rescue dogs and a rescue cat. And now a crack/heroin addict! I know it’s not my job to save him only he can do that, but I don’t want to think of him suffering. I don’t suppose he is giving me one thought. This is the effects that addiction has on those that know addicts….constantly wondering what has happened to them, wanting to help but knowing we can’t in the way they want. When there was a chance he was dead I was hopeful that this was the end, I would no longer have to wonder about what had happened to him. Have closure and move on. But this this is worse, being constantly living in limbo, waiting for the next call. Block the number! Done it, he gets a new number. When he finished with me last year I found it hard to accept. Unfinished business. But after our last encounter I was finished with it. I had fallen out of love for him. So now what? Wait for him to call again on a different number, to play a game of wills again. It seems so unfair how long will it go on?
I didnt think it would be like this, even if I don’t give in to him he gives it a few days and tries again….I ask myself why I was chosen for this. 3 years ago I didn’t know about addiction like this, I didn’t understand the impact it had on the loved ones of addicts, I didn’t know about 12 steps Higher Powers, I didn’t know about methadone, I had heard of it but just thought of it as a substitute, didn’t know that it too was addictive, I didn’t know that someone you loved could go to such horrible lengths to get money from you, would lie would tell you anything to get another £20. I didn’t know or had heard about co-dependency , that my love for him would be so deep and intense I would do anything to keep him, that he needed my money so much he would lie to keep me on side. That once you thought it was over it was only the beginning….

Back to the story!

And so it went on, day after day, week after week month after month. He used to ‘borrow’ money from me all the time. Then every 2 weeks when his benefits came through, he would pay some of it back. Of course I never really got the money he owed me. By the time I had filled the car with fuel bought some food it was gone. He could be ‘borrowing’ well over £100 a week, so when his money came through he could never have afforded to give it me all back. But I got 24-36 hours respite from the lies and bullying. There was always another reason for getting another fix. The last lot of drugs were rubbish, he sneezed and blew it from the bag, he was chased by the police so swallowed it….blah blah blah…and yet I couldn’t leave. Once when we were screaming at each other I said it wasn’t the money that bothered me, oh boy was that a mistake! Partly it wasn’t, I just wanted him to understand that the more he used the more he WOULD have to use! Why couldn’t he see that. Again and again he would say I don’t like being like this I want to be off this shit, but it never happened. Then he would come out with the line well you said its not about the money so why are you being like this? It’s tunnel vision, of course. When he is in addiction all he can think of is how to get his next bag When he was away from the environment One or two days up at mine we might have a break from it a bit of normality, we even went on holiday a couple of times once to Cornwall camping and then to Eygpt for a week. So he could do it IF HE WANTED TOO! But it was taking its toll on my mental health. Back then I didn’t realise that I couldn’t change him. I thought if he loved me he would do it for me. He kept saying I only need to get into detox and then we can have a good life, and of course I believed it. Because that’s what I wanted more than anything ,still do! It wasn’t until I started my programme that I realised how I had got it so wrong. The enabling didn’t help him it hindered him. All he had to do was plead and beg and promise the impossible ( I won’t use tomorrow, I will go and see the drugs team tomorrow and get them to increase my methadone) and I always believed him. I Thank my HP that now I see the lies for what they are. It’s interesting that this time even though I know he is using and have even ‘leant’ him some money he knows that I know what the score is, I won’t take the BS that I did before. I have told him that now I know I can’t change him only he can do that, all I can do is remove myself from a situation that just makes me as sick as he is. I told him today he bullys  me, trying to persuade me to give him money, when he knows I haven’t got any to give, that the promise of his benefits being paid tomorrow isn’t enough for me. All I feel is stressed and I no longer want to live in that state. Today I came home because I had to for work, but he is left to his own devises, and you know what? I am not stressing about it. Before I would have been scared he would break the law to get money, and that somehow it would be my fault because I couldn’t give him the means to pay. Today I don’t care. I care for him, I would be upset for him if he did something stupid and got arrested, but it’s not my fault. It’s not my business. Of course it’s hard to put into practice something I have learnt in theory. I won’t even say I have been successful, I haven’t, I have given in to him, more than once, but at least we both know that this time I am not responsible for his choices. Today because I had to come home unexpectedly he asked me for my bank account details, so that when he gets his money tomorrow he can pay me back the money he owes me. He said ‘I know if I don’t I won’t see you again’! That is a huge step forward for us both. Him taking responsibility to actually pay me back without me prompting him but also realising this time, I will walk away. It’s my only option, if he doesn’t get himself sorted out.

I have kinda left my journey again, but this blog has given me a way of putting down my thoughts in the now, in fact when I started writing it I didn’t expect for me and him to ever get back together. We haven’t really in my heart, I love the man I met, I even love the man that was in jail, but I hate the addict! So for me right now I have more barriers up than ever before. I had a break from it for 6 months and my programme has helped a lot.

Looking back I don’t know why I put up with the financial abuse that I did. I do not under any circumstances want to equate this to being with a man that is violent. It’s not the same at all, mentally tho there must be a parralle. When some one is loving and kind and supportive 80% of the time, the 20% that is spent screaming and shouting over £20 is pushed to the back of your mind. When the ask is wrapped up in love in the voice, the pleading voice that says love you know I don’t like asking or babe sorry to be a nuiceance but could you just lend me £20 you know I will give it you back ( even tho I knew he wouldn’t ). If I said no he wouldn’t leave it at that. He would go on and on please love come on I know you have it, I am not asking you to give it to me it’s only a borrow. If I tried to say no, I need that money to get to work, or I haven’t got it, I would get the same back again and again, come on they won’t send you anywhere I get my money tomorrow you will get it back, or you get your travel expenses in 2 days you have enough fuel ( not if they send me to Birmingham,) they won’t love come on. Sometimes it was just easier to give in and give him the money, and stress about it later if I got a call, but before I didnt understand that stressing about something that hadn’t happened yet was not good for me so I did stress. Thinking ahead to make some excuse if I got a job and couldn’t afford to get there! There was only a couple of times I couldn’t go to work because I had no money. Sometimes in the beginning work would pay my expenses early, but you don’t like asking too many times, it’s embarrassing. A week after pay day and no money!  The lies and excuses I came up with were scandalous really. I had 2 loans from work, which I had to pay back of course monthly. Big loans the equivalent to my monthly salary. All spent on drugs! That’s about £5k!

And that was why it was so embarrassing I had a good job with very good money. About £2500 a month plus my weekly travelling expenses and I still had no money every month. Eventually I set up a second account. I had my wage paid into the new account and on pay day transferred the money into my other account to pay my bills. It was the only way of protecting my cash and to make sure my bills got paid. Later I set up a third on line account and would put money into that so if he took my cash card it looked like there was no money in my main account. That way at least I had a bit of money put by for later in the month. But more often  than not we lived just off my travel expenses. My friend Ali, at that point wasn’t working, she has 2 kids and an ex husband that sometimes pays maintenance but often didn’t. She was on job seekers allowance and still had more money than me! She would invite me over for a drink at the weekend God I felt bad! I appreciated the fact she was helping me out, but felt so ashamed that I couldn’t even buy a bottle of cheap wine. She said time and time again, leave him, but I couldnt! I still to this day don’t understand the hold he has over me. I hated my life. But in the same breath wanted the man I met back, and the only way that would become reality was if I stayed with him, and got him into detox and rehab. Otherwise all this pain would have been in vain! So I hung on in there. Hoping all the time that he would get a place in detox……mmmm be careful what you wish for, sometimes what you have is better than what you think you want!