I pray that I don’t have to experience this

Today has been one of them weird days. I received a txt from one of the fellowship saying that her partner had lost her fight with addiction. She sadly overdosed at the weekend. It hit me hard. Because all of us that are affected by  another’s drug addiction are only one call or txt away from being in the same situation. What do you say to someone in that predicament? It’s the one thing we all dread. The arrests, the prison sentences, even the rattles or the fear that a drug dealer owed money will do something to them, are just that fears, but the big one is death. She is at peace her fight with addiction is over but her partner is left to pick up the pieces. To grieve, to arrange a funeral, to answer questions, to cover up, even in death those of us left still lie still feel the need to cover up, to protect them. We may feel ashamed, feel we somehow failed, and yet we didn’t. It was not is not our illness – disease – it is theirs. We can’t take on the responsibilities of another. We can not blame ourselves as there was/is nothing we can do only they can do it if they are ever ready. This young woman was not. She paid the ultimate price for a disease that cares not about either the addict or those affected. 

So tonight I ask my HP and the HP of L (the one left behind)to take care of L. Don’t let this destroy this beautiful young woman. Let her know this is not her fault. It was never her fault. She was never responsible for her girlfriend’s addiction, as none of us are. My love goes out to you tonight L, may you too find some peace in this terrible time. 

I ask my HP to protect all of us from having to experience this, but if we do go through this ultimate hurt, to find the strength to remember  that we need to accept the things we can not change find courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference then and only then we might find some serenity. 

Living life on life’s terms 

When you become a caretaker you forget the responsibilities that you have to your self. You often forget yourself completely. Everything in my life became centered around one person. My work suffered my health suffered my bank balance definitely suffered. But when you are in it in, the madness of addiction, you also forget that there is another way. The life I lived before addiction wasn’t all that good, because the codependency was there just under the surface, somewhere I had learnt that to BE someone I had to BE with someone. That I wasn’t a person in my own right.That I had to somehow be with someone to justify my existence.  Even though I spent many years alone I was looking for the next relationship I HAD to be with someone to some how verify who I was. Don’t get me wrong if I wasn’t happy I wasn’t afraid to leave, in fact if anything probably stayed in bad relationships too long as so not to hurt the other person ( again putting them first) but when it became unbearable for me usually ran off. But now it’s different. I have learnt what was wrong and am working on changing it. Life is what you make it. Sometimes we are given little opportunities, if we don’t take them we will never know. But I have been given a little opportunity and I intend to take it. I know my HP wants me to be happy, I want me to be happy. In fact I am happy. I have worked on a few compulsive behaviours and got a few things under control. From others blogs and their comments I identified some areas of my life I wasn’t happy with and changed them.  This weekend I am giving service at the National board for NAR-ANON it’s our quarterly board meeting. I will be able to attend the London group meeting first and I thank my HP that I am given the opportunity to meet my brothers and sisters my second family – my extended family. As we focus on step 2 and tradition 2 this month, I am grateful for my fellowship, and that I have been blessed with their unrelenting hope and encouragement. Sharing their journey’s to help me on mine. I am going to be with my people those that know the unhappy road that I have walked as they have walked it too. That is part of what you get from the fellowship – any fellowship – the sense of belonging the sense you don’t have to say anything because you all have lived it. 

Then I will becoming home after spending a bit of time with my blood family, and then….well let’s just say I intend to live my life on life’s terms but doing what I want to do. Just for today I will be unafraid   Especially I will not be afraid to believe that as I give to the world the world will give to me. 

What ever your personal battles I wish you peace and the strength to overcome the obstacles blocking your path to serenity. 

looking back looking forward 

  
One or 2 of the bloggers I follow are reposting stuff, it’s great to read how they have come on on their journeys. I was thinking of doing the same but to be honest I don’t think it would achieve anything. Yes I can see how I have definitely 

come along way, but I found it a bit – I don’t know – depressing? What I can see is how sick I was. Some say codependency isn’t an illness, but if I follow the 12 step programme I have to accept I was sick. My sickness was ( and will be for time to come yet) codependency.  I was the victim, I wrote my blog as the victim! Poor me I have done all this great stuff for someone that doesn’t appreciate it,  put up with all this shit,  been cheated on been dumped had my belongings stolen BUT I allowed it to happen. I whined and moaned I played around with my programme but until I read Melodie Beatie’s Codependent no more I hadn’t a clue! I hope you will have seen a change in my posts over the last month or so I know I am changing – now I am getting stronger in the right way because I see what had happened to me. I am no longer the hard done to because he did nothing (apart from the stealing) but take what I was  willing to  give in the start. I won’t go into the ins and outs of codependency the books are out there if you are interested but when you live with an addict there comes a time when it changes from giving freely because that’s your human nature the way you are loving and generous to where it becomes a situation that annoys the fuck out of you, you become resentful hateful feel powerless hopeless you feel as though you are being taken advantage of you hate the addict but still love the person you met so you stick around trying to make them change to become the person you met. It’s not about self respect or being needy, it’s about not giving up after all you have been thro how can you – the promise of rehab detox it holds you there getting sicker and sicker loosing your friends your family, eventually your self respect and self worth and then what? Then you have to stay to see it through, because you have lost so much including yourself. This is all you have left. I honestly couldn’t have put it into words 2 years 1 year 6 months ago, but when I read ‘Codependent No More’ everything fell into place.  I have a name for it. I can see my shortcomings, I can see my mistakes, I can see why I did what I did and why. Did addiction make me become a codependent? Probably not, I probably had the tendencies the characteristics before I lived with an addict, but they came to the fore given the right conditions. I suppose I had been lucky in my life that I hadn’t hooked up with an addict before. Had had pretty normal relationships in the past. So the tendencies didn’t show them selves. But reader I now know what was wrong. I may never be able to have a healthy relationship with the addict. I might have to say goodbye this won’t work for me. But that’s ok. From now on its what’s good for me first. I can’t be in relationship with anyone including friends that isn’t on an equal basis. I can’t be a people pleaser. I have to be a Karen pleaser. I don’t think it will be easy! I have spent 53 years trying to keep people happy and putting myself second or third or forth! But now it’s starting to change. I had already dumped a few people out of my life that I feel had taken advantage and I got nothing back. I wasn’t so desperate to be treated badly just so they were ‘my friend’. I would honestly prefer to be alone and happy with my self than pretend to be something I am not. In Peace and serenity x 

Putting me first 

Today I did something I would have never contemplated doing a year ago, well if I am going to be truly honest something I wouldn’t have done a month ago! I probably won’t even sound like a big deal, but to me it is. It’s confirmation that I can put my self first. I value myself enough to know that although it won’t be liked ( very probably) my health and needs come first. The reaction to it will be useful for me too, to judge the coming next weeks. When you put others before yourself you eventually become sick. Co-dependency is a term that is used for people in my predicament – that’s the name of my illness. Some of you already know this I am sure. I have been in denial because I didn’t actually understand what it meant. But now I do. It may have been why I struggled with my recovery because I didn’t understand enough about my condition. Well no more excuses! So this big thing I have done? For those that know me on Facebook you will know I haven’t been so well this last week – physically I mean not spiritually! I have a cold – sore throat, ache, cough, in a couple of days it will have probably passed but today the thought of getting up getting dressed up driving waiting around going in then driving home just filled me with dread. I cancelled my prison visit. I didn’t want to go! Not because I didn’t want to see him but because I just felt too ill to go thro the rigmoral of it all. Like I say not much but it feels like a big change in mind set! I am not playing the martyr by turning up ill, thinking how awful it must be for him not getting a visit, so I have to go. Nope I put me first. No drama just an email to cancel the visit and sent him an email to explain why I had canceled. No big apologies just don’t feel well enough will rebook a visit.  Like I say I look forward to the  reaction but not scared of it. Before I would have been too scared to cancel because 1 he might get angry 2 he might think I didn’t care 3 I shouldn’t be so selfish putting myself first, think how horrible it must be for him not seeing anyone. No today I am focusing on me and my needs. I don’t feel well enough to go out. That’s it. No big deal. And yet for me it is. Not sure there’s any point in saying much more. 

taking a fearless moral inventory….

Just a quick one as I want to just put down some thoughts before going to bed…my worst time for posting I think! I actually like writing when i have just woken up and still not been influenced by the day’s events it pure it’s from my head without other thoughts or stresses influencing it, however I know my most prolific time of writing is at night…I have taken time out to take inventory of my writing my responses to others blogs, to me! What am I doing here? I know why I started but do I need to keep writing? I don’t go for affirmation from other bloggers although the odd like doesn’t go un noticed. I have had run ins with other bloggers…that’s good I appreciate honesty and we are all allowed our own opinion. I might not like it or agree with it but it’s yours so I respect it. I am not a fool.

 I became a co dependent I didn’t mean to i didn’t even know what it meant! But I did I became that interfering voice telling the addict what I thought was best for him, I enabled, you have read it if you follow this. But I knew what was best, I knew what he should do, we would be happy if only he didn’t do XYZ. What do I know? He likes taking drugs let him! But have no part in it let him rob shops and houses end up in jail be put back on methadone but not on my time not in my house. Maybe  I am further on in my recovery than him. That’s ok. If he wants recovery the power is in his hands…not mine. Not my business. I have much to take inventory of…my anger issues alone are going to take possibly months to address! 53 years of anger! Started well before I met the addict! Resentment again 50+ years of resentment so many negative feelings I have to work thro! 😔 but inventory I must take – a fearless moral inventory….on here I can just  voice  it my fears… Plenty of those…so maybe for now I will keep writing. But now I must sleep night all and thanks for reading x