Back to basics 

So I sat down with my work book and read it, really read it, I’m am so pleased my new sponsor asked me to start again! When I first did the steps I had completed I think it was all about ‘getting through them’. That somehow the quicker I got through them the quicker I would recover. Of course I didn’t get through them all that quickly to be honest, I found the questions difficult and the things being asked of me hard to do. I struggled for years to honestly find a HP I could believe in. Yesterday I read the questions differently. I understood what they meant, I understood what it was asking me to do. I’m not suggesting they are any more easier but I’m now at a place where they make sense. From this I have been able to see why it was so difficult before. The denial of so many things. Interestingly when I started another fellowships work book a few weeks ago I found the questions much easier, I thought maybe it was CoDA is all about being kind to ourselves, so I thought what was being asked was easier, but now I think it’s more about the fact I have listened. I have heard some things I don’t like recently, others opinions of me. But I listened. As our fellowship says take what is useful and leave the rest. But something’s were highlighted that I can work on. A lot of the negative behaviours highlighted are totally co-dependent behaviours. So I wasn’t really surprised to hear them even if it is never pleasant to experience it. With out sounding as though I’m justifying these behaviours I still feel at the moment that when I displayed them I actually had no idea – no idea of the impact on others or that they were in fact anything but normal. I thought that was who I was. It is who I am but with my programs I can learn a better way to live, and ask the god of my understanding to help me remove them. 

So for now as I restart my journey I am grateful for what I have learnt so far, and with the help and love of my fellowships know I can become a better person. 

Disappointments 

No biggy really it’s not like my worlds gonna end, but sometimes when you have been totally honest with yourself and done all that you can do to make something happen and it doesn’t it’s disappointing. That’s where I find myself tonight. I’m a Slimming World member. Bingeing is part of my make up, food drink excitement the OC behaviours I mentioned in my last ( second from last) post. SW gives me boundaries. I try hard to stick to them. I get an allowance of ‘syns’ for those unhealthy life choices such as sugar fat and alcohol. Most weeks I stick like glue to my 105 syns a week or 15 a day. If I have a few extra at the weekend I still have some flexibility to have some treats in the week too. So when I had stuck 💯% to my plan and lost not 1oz of weight it makes me disappointed. Over Christmas week I lost 2lbs how can that be?!? On holiday in Spain I gained 4lbs totally knew why I ate and drank more than I would usually I had little control over the food and how it was prepared but I did have choices regarding the drink. I chose unwisely but that was ok. Now this week being on plan not lying ( to myself)  about even 1 syn to have maintained was a total shock! I post most my food every day on Instagram so my consultant sees what I eat, even he can’t figure it out! If I was a secret food eater or drinker I would know in my heart how it had gone wrong! If I’d gone wildly over my syn allowance I would know why! I know this might be boring to read and I apologise but it’s bugging me and I wanted to get it out there! Out of my head so I don’t waste hours ruminating about it. No doubt I’ve done something wrong but can’t work it out just yet! Maybe not enough water but I did drink gallons of green tea ☕️. Well that’s it I will try not to think about it and put it to bed, where I’m going to go myself! 

Back to Macclesfield 

we had to come back to Macclesfield after Boxing Day as they had only given him a couple of days worth of methadone. I was off until the new year so the next few days we flitted between mine and his. I don’t know how much money he had on release but once we got back to Macclesfield he started asking for money again. I suppose I had come on a bit in my journey but like anything you learn in theory some times putting it into practice is a far lot harder. I now understood that the addiction that we lived with was not mine to help. That if he wanted to use or felt the compultion to use that was his choice. Nothing I could do would stop that. I am powerless over the addict ( step one) I can not control him using drugs any more than I can stop the rain falling. Nothing I had done in the past had prevented him from using.  I might not understand why when he had been free of heroin and crack for 4 weeks he felt the need to start again, there has been a hint that it was so he could cope at my parents but I refused to accept that as an excuse and he soon dropped that one. The only thing I do have any control over is me and my own behaviour. Because part of me still loved this man I had met not what he became and I so wanted him back, I started to relapse back into my old behaviours. I wanted to be with him. Not totally at any cost but enough to start enabling him again. It was just £20 I could afford it – his words not mine. I could tell him yes it was and I could but him using wasn’t part of the deal. I didn’t want to go down that road again. I knew that I shouldn’t help him and yet because I wanted him to want me gave in again and again. For some reason he didn’t have his phone charger. He had bits of paper around the flat with numbers on ( dealers ) and would use my phone to call them. One afternoon he asked if we could go to score. This meant one of 2 places. Congleton or Bolton. He wanted to go to Bolton. I hated going there because I knew that’s where he had been staying with her. But we went and he met up with someone behind a pub in a rough looking area – well I don’t think there is an up town Bolton lol. He got his fix and cooked up in the car and used. I think either because he had had some time off it ( assuming he did when he was inside but that’s not a given) or maybe because the gear in Bolton was a bit less cut, he was out of it. He only had brown but I hadn’t seen him that zonked out before. He was slurring but said lets go. Because i didn’t really know where we were I asked for directions. He told me where to go but I had a feeling it was in the wrong direction. We were in some horrible run down estate pull over he slurs…why why are we stopping here? I knew all to well this must be where she lived how fucking dare he? He mumbled something about getting some stuff he had left there. Really!?! Really you expect me to believe this after 5 months that bitch will still have your things? He didn’t hear me he was out the car stumbling around. He came back after about 5 minutes she’s changed the lock…what is so important that you have brought me here? She has my ID ( passport) and my trainers. Do you really think if it ended so badly she would still have them?

She said she had them.

Oh so you have asked her?

No well she said she had them And left them in the shed but it’s locked.

I felt hurt and humiliated. That he thought it was ok to make me bring him here, well no actually he probably didn’t think it was ok to bring me here which is why he didn’t ask or tell me.

This woman had been completely  evil in my eyes. She had said some hideous things about me and to me. She had somehow taken my man when he was at his most vulnerable and yes if he loved me he would have stayed with me but our relationship had been on rocky ground before he went to detox because we were both so ill. I had become so obsessed with his addiction and was trying to control so much that if it had been me if someone new and exciting had come along someone that hadn’t seen me at my worse was like me free from addiction for the first time in years full of PMA yes I could see why he would hook up with her. I just reminded him of the bad times. But also if he had followed the programme would have to make admends. That means accepting and admitting  the wrongs you have done to others so that you can make admends to those you hurt. I suppose that was partly what I was trying to do do with him. Why I wanted another chance at our relationship. To show him I had learnt the nature of my wrongs and was trying to change my behaviour. That didn’t stop me kicking off big time tho! I think I was partly scared what if she had been in? What if she had come out? But of course worrying about things like that is a waste of energy although it doesn’t stop you. Or at least it didn’t stop me! You know we are told to live for the moment because we will never have that time again yes maybe so but on this occasion it was very much a moment I could have lived without!

There was so much I wanted to say to him but I was wasting my breath because he was still so out of it. I can’t remember now if we went back to mine or his and I don’t suppose it’s important. But another bit of my love for him was eroded that day. Maybe this is what I needed to see him behave towards me like this with no regard for me what so ever as long as he had his £20. It would take a bit more before I had enough and stopped living the lie I had created for myself, but this is my journey to recovery. It isn’t a race to get to step 12 it really is one day at a time.

It’s just over a year since I started coming to the rooms ( meetings ) and I have only just started my step work seriously. I thought if he wasn’t in my life I didn’t need to do the work. That was my biggest mistake. I don’t know if I had continued after he left me if I would be any more prepared – maybe maybe not. But now I can focus on me. I can make sure I do not go down that road again take a different path. I don’t doubt he will call again a couple of weeks. I don’t doubt people will try to take advantage of my good nature but I am not a victim -kindness is not a weakness- it actually takes a lot of strength and courage to deal with the abuse I have gone through. Yes I was in denial of many things but now see it for what it is. I am a work in progress but I am not aiming for perfection!

19/4/14

I found myself down a side street in Manchester just outside the centre. I found the house easily enough but my heart was racing I felt sick because I knew what he was going to say, and was trying so hard to focus on what I needed to say to him, that I understood that it was hard for him that he did have to be able to stand on his own two feet but we could work together on his recovery. I had been to a few meetings of my own fellowship and thought I understood a bit more about his programme and wanted to explain that I knew what I had done by enabling him was wrong. That we had been living in chaos and denial and that didn’t have to happen in the future. I had started to recognise some of my shortcomings and things that I had done wrong, in the course of the relationship especially towards the end, before he went into detox, I didn’t want this to be all in vain. The pain and suffering that we had shared. I wanted to have a chance at a normal relationship with him when he was sober. I understood that the way we had treated each other was a product of the drug use not of us as a couple. Not who we were, or at least not who I was. I disliked the woman I had become, there was little fun, he had shut me off from my friends, money spent on going out and having a laugh was money not spent on drugs. Money not spent on looking after my appearance was money better spent on drugs. He said I was hung up on money, yes because he had made me that way. Before we met I could go out when I wanted ( ok towards the end of the month I wasn’t rich) I had been use to buying clothes, good quality clothes, shoes because I liked them not cheap £5 shoes from Primark because the shoes I had on were that old my feet were wet, because the soles of the ones I had were down to the cardboard insole. I had a lot of resentment built up and because I was so weak and couldn’t let him down I didn’t outwardly complain, if I did he always came back with some rebuff, you look fine the clothes you have look nice, you don’t need to go out with them people, I will be here by myself, and you don’t want me to get into trouble do you? If I said anything about his drug use and the money, he would just say well I will go out and graft, I thought you didn’t want me getting into trouble with the police? So I always gave in. So yes I had become very passive aggressive. Rather than stand up to him, i was sarcastic, I spoke to him like he was a child that didn’t know better, I snipped, complained about the smallest thing, because I couldn’t say what I really wanted to, which was I don’t want to give you the money I don’t want to live like this, I want my life back…sometimes I did say it but it never changed the drug use, the demands ( which is what they became) for money didn’t stop. So I gave it begrudgingly, and hated this man but still wanted the other man back.
So there I was outside the house that had changed his feeling towards me. The plans that WE had made for the future were slipping away, I didn’t understand it, I didn’t understand enough of what he wanted, or why he didn’t want me in his life any more. Because I think I knew the painful truth was I served no purpose any more, he didn’t need me now he was free from addiction, well in recovery. But I couldn’t even think that subconsciously of course, I must have thought it but right now I didn’t think it not even for one second. How many times had he said to me, all I want is to get off this shit, I hate being like this, we can have a good life together once I am off this stuff. Why wouldn’t I believe it?
So I get out of my car and walk up to the steps of this big Victorian red brick house. I knock on the door. A man opens it, can I help you? Yes I have come to see K. And you are? I didn’t know who I was any more…his girlfriend?? I answer. Oh yeah right, he needs to speak to you right? My head was racing again, does he? What have you lot said to change his feelings so much, in the space of 4 weeks he has gone from loving me to having no room in his life for me, 4 weeks ago in detox he said he loved me….I said nothing, he shouted K visitor….he came. He looked well, his face had filled out again, he had had a proper haircut, he was dressed in clothes I recognised, but he looked good. This was so hard, I still had such strong feelings for him, seeing him like that reminded me of the first time I had met him for a date, I fancied the arse off him! But this time could very possibly be the last time I would see him so I was also filled with immense fear, and a desperation to do anything to keep him. We went to the back of the house, you can’t come in my room he said it wasn’t said in a nice way but really roughly almost as if he was doing me a favour in seeing me at all and I was the last person on earth that he wanted to speak too! I suppose I was! I replied I didn’t expect I could. So we went into the kitchen and he asked if I wanted a brew. Am I going to be here long enough I thought? Yes please. Thanks for coming his voice was less harsh, it’s a long way on your day off. Then he kissed me! Talk about mixed messages…I stepped back a bit unsure what was going on. Now my head really was racing he kissed me? So is everything ok? have I totally misunderstood what he was saying on the phone? We sat down and he tried to make small talk repeating stuff I had already seen on Facebook and he had already told me on the phone, trivial stuff mainly about him! He didn’t ask about me, but that was ok I didn’t want to talk about me, I just wanted to keep myself together to focus on everything he said so I could calmly talk about it if I needed to.
My calmness lasted all of a minute! He repeated what he had said to me on the phone, I tried to take it in he really was saying he couldn’t be with me any more….

Why babe I don’t understand why?

I need to focus on this I can’t if your in my life, I can’t be with you if I am in here….

Yes you said that before but when you are out of here will you come back to me?

I don’t know. I can’t think about the future I have to focus on today I can’t think that far a head, ( this was 12 steps talking not K, I had read enough and knew enough about my programme to understand the language used) maybe we will be I don’t know!

I wasn’t going to make this easy for him, and he wouldn’t just come out with it and say we were finished, it was all maybes, I don’t know…of course I knew what he was saying but I refused to let this go. If he said I don’t want to be with you any more, I am sorry, then I would accept it but all this I don’t know what will happen in the future shit was making it harder and worse, because it was giving me hope that we would get back together. So I said, so that’s it then you don’t want me in your life I have served my purpose and now you have no use for me?
No no that’s not what I am saying but right now I can’t be with you,
so you want me to wait?
I don’t know I don’t know how long I will be in here. I hate it here I want to use its really hard work I haven’t even done my life story yet…..he was half talking to me as normal then would throw I can’t be with you into the conversation. I think I was crying by now everything I had rehearsed in my head had gone, I had wanted to be calm and in control, I wanted to be able to put forward a good reason why we should be together after every thing we had been through we both deserved to see if we could make this work. And if it didn’t then we could go our separate ways. But I couldn’t get the words out, I tried and tried but what ever I did say wasn’t having any impact on him. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me any more. My life and future hopes and dreams were being torn away from me, my heart was breaking, I don’t think I had ever experienced this much pain in my life. But it was mainly because I couldn’t see or understand why. If he had said the way you treated me was horrible and I don’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t have liked it but would have understood. If he had said I don’t love you any more, I would have understood, if he had said I treated you so badly and I am ashamed every time I look at you it will remind me I would have understood. Even if he had said because I am clean and I associate you with taking drugs and might relapse, that would have been something, but no he wanted us to be friends, to part on good terms ( of course that makes it easier for him) he wants us not to be together whilst he is in there. He wants to know that if he is visiting his mum and I am there then I won’t be upset by him being there!
Really?? Do you really expect me to visit your mum if we are not together? I ask him.
Well you get on well.
Yes but she is your mother! I see her because of you! How can me and her be friends I will want to know what you are doing want to know how you are, I can’t sit there having a cup of tea and have you walk in, it will kill me.

This conversation went around in circles for about 2 hours. I was worn out and yet had so much I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words, I had them before I arrived, I don’t know if you have ever experienced that? You want to say something and you knew what you wanted to say but because of upset, panic, pain the words just won’t formulate in your head. I was alive I was breathing I could hear I could speak my body was working it was a beautiful warm day we had sat out in the sun but I was cold my brain was dead, numb and my heart felt like it was torn into a million pieces.
I was only allowed a 2 hour visit – so he said so I had to go. He walked me out to the car, he hugged me so tight and covered my face in kisses I am so sorry he said again and again.
Then why??? But he couldn’t or wouldn’t answer.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
But you have I don’t want to live without you!
I have to go, I am sorry….I still have your iPod, do you want it back?
keep it K, just go.
I get in the car as I drive past, he is on the steps up to the house he waves me good bye, I am crying my life is over.
I believe that this is going to be the last time I see him or have any contact, if it had been I might not be writing this!

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Old diary entries!

Last year when he was in rehab and things weren’t going so well I tried to write things down, to try to make sense of my thoughts and feelings ( bit like this blog really!)
I am now going to share some of them with you. This was ‘live’ as it happened, my thoughts are muddled up, they might be difficult to understand and read, but it gives you an idea of how ill I was, and now really egocentric I had become. This really was all about me! I was in denial of that of course, and I suppose because my day to day life had been totally consumed in addiction, I thought everything was focused on him. I did and do try even now to think about the impact rehab was having on him, and maybe because my feelings had been shut down for over a year, now I was able to think about the impact all this had had and was having on me. When I was living with him I had no real time to focus on me, so now given this enforced space and time, it becomes me me me.
What I found interesting is some things I had forgotten until I read my diary. In fact if I had been well I think I could have probably been able to have a conversation with him far better than I could then. I was obsessed. But you can read it for yourselves, and make your own decisions. I think it shows how sick I was, I was losing my world, I couldn’t think straight. Maybe if I had read it again before now, I would not have gone back to him again and again. It its obvious that he doesn’t want me in his life I was saying it out loud and so was he, nearly a year ago, but couldn’t hear what either of us was saying! That is sad. I could have saved my self a lot more heart ache and heart break. So here it is 3 days of despair. I have obviously forgotten a year on that I must have had another phone call from his key worker….but I guess I was very stressed and until now and reading my diary was basing my blog on memory!

So karl is in rehab and even tho it’s been less than a week I am really struggling. I feel very low today, firstly he somehow bought a phone yesterday and as great as it was to speak to him I am very worried he will get a room search and get caught and then get chucked out. He said he doesn’t want to stay, and I think even tho he said he got the phone to speak to me he has only phoned me once and I had to get credit for him and then call him! So I am not happy about that. I think as he is not happy there and wants to leave and I said he can’t if he does he won’t have the coping strategies to stay off the gear and if he relapses then I can’t stay. I have invested too much into this to walk away but now don’t want to go through or live my life like that again. He seems to be on fb all the time and not even bothering to contact me and that pisses me off, and adding female friends again! Yes they might be ppl he knows but I get so overwhelmed by it and feel so insecure and he would say its just me but I can’t help thinking that I am convenient til something better comes along….but that is just because we are apart.
I got a call from a worker last night and that threw me…he said karl was desperate to contact me and explained why they didn’t allow it and that was fine I understand it but now he’s bought this bloody phone and I just feel it damages his chances of success. Part of me wants to tell the staff but I can’t cos he will be thrown out 😩😩
I feel better now I have spoken to that fella last night but karl is so in denial and thinks he knows best, he was horrible to me on the phone he said something about having to be in groups all day and I said and all night and he said your clever! I know he expected me to be really happy to speak to him but I was in total shock, and I was grateful that he phoned me but it goes against every thing that he is supposed to do. I couldn’t think what to say I am rubbish at being supportive when he breaks the rules cos I see the outcome if he is caught and now I haven’t been able to talk to him. Then when I saw he had been on fb today and asked if he wasn’t talking to me I just got a really short message back saying see you l8r! I just feel like I did 2 years ago when he was in rehab and that’s another thing that man said he has 12 weeks then goes into secondary! Not what we thought I just said you better talk to karl about that because there has been no mention of secondary but if that what you think he needs then so be it! All I care about is he gets out and doesn’t go back to using. I hate being so negative but I have to prepare myself for the worse. I will be devastated if this doesn’t work out.. I love karl he is the nicest kindest most loving man ( at times) I have had the pleasure of being in a relationship with. I wouldn’t have stuck by and put with all the shit I have if I didn’t think he was worth it, but at the same time I don’t want to live like that.
I think the best thing for me to do is to just stay off fb stay away from his mum and just wait for him to contact me. Let’s go back to assuming he can’t contact me for another 3 weeks and leave it at that…no doubt that won’t last lol 30/3/14

He called again last night ( Monday) and really battered my head. He is working on relationship stuff which is good but then says staff will want to talk to me about things and says he’s still in love with Jackie to which I said well if ur still I love with her then I don’t want to be with u. He then hung up he doesn’t understand I actually know all this but have put it to one side I thought he would be over her by now and she would be a happy memory but it seems not. I just don’t know what to do for the best staff are obviously saying they are going to ask me about the relationship so that he has to say stuff to them. Cos they haven’t phoned me! But he has only just told me the truth about taking the car that day and I am not happy about that. I knew he as lying at the time but couldn’t say so to him I was grateful he was home and had the car. He tells me this on Sunday and he was to unwell to challenge him on it. We have so much work to do on our relationship. It’s not going to be enough to just share a space with him. I do like his company and of course think he is a loving and kind supportive man but at what cost. When we met he obviously still had issues to work through but he seemed so on top of things. I suppose that there is a chance he won’t be in a place to be with me or want to be. There’s a chance I won’t be able to see this through. I want to be with some one that can look after me can be on an equal footing with me share life with. I love him there’s no doubt about that but I love what I see him to be. Not the bag head he became so I am guessing we have to start again if he will ever be ready. Like I said to Al I could probably go out and get myself a lawyer or someone with money that could take me out and look after me, but I want karl at the moment. I don’t know if it’s because I just want to see this thro, but he has to learn that if something happened to me he could live without me without turning to drugs. God knows it’s hard the drinking is so hard to stop. Even tho I am not getting pissed I am having a glass or two of wine when I get home, not bottles like I used to and god knows how I functioned when I was drinking that much. No right now my head is battered. I want to be able to sit down and talk to him about how I feel it’s not only about him. I wish in some ways he wouldn’t phone just focus On the work he is doing and then see how I fit into it. If he had been with me for convenience money replacement for Jackie then let’s address it and see if he really wants a relationship with me. What is it that he ‘loves’ about me. Gratitude is not love.
What he doesn’t seem to understand is when he calls me all it does is messes with my head. He tells me about the work he is doing and that’s good to know but at the same time really disempowering because we can’t sit down and talk about things. I am getting little bits of information around what he’s working on and that raises all sorts of issues for me. Makes me question why he is with me and why I am with him. He hits out verbally if I say things and it’s so difficult I want to be honest but feel I don’t want to challenge him or if I say the wrong thing it will start and argument. I wish he would understand that hearing about the work he is doing is not comfortable for me. He needs to do the work work out what he wants from me and where I fit in to his life and then we can talk. I get the feeling that he has used me for money not in a bad way but has probably unconsciously stuck with me because it was easier than stealing. I think he had loved me in his own way. But then I think well we met when he was well and in rehab so must have made an informed choice then? Of course ppl think he has fell On his feet yes I have putup with shit because I wanted to see this long term.., it’s all so hard 31/3:14

So now we are getting to the realisation that he has used me for money him I mean or at least them they are telling him that he can’t come up with any thing to counter it so if that is the case we have no future because that’s exactly what I asked him why do u love me and he had no answer. This is as hard for me as it is for him as the realisation comes to light if it’s true it’s my worse fears. As I have said I can come with with loads of reasons why I love him but if he can’t do the same then where are we? What do we have – nothing. The only good thing is we met before he was using so surely that means something. Have just sent him a txt to say tell them why u love me and that they are wrong that we met before the addiction came back if he can the we have something to work on if not they and I was right sad but true. Then what can I do I will be devastated all this for nothing I can’t even start to think about it! Something I don’t like is the fact he thinks it’s ok to take all his frustrations out on me his head is jumbled I understand that and that’s why he is so aggressive but I am not happy to accept his behaviour not any more. Have told him we need to start again when this is over and see how we get on. I love him like I say but not the way he is treating me now and now there is no excuse! 3/4/14

So as I read it back I wonder how far I have come, know what? I have come miles! It may only be in the last couple of weeks, and part of me still doesn’t want all this to have been in vain, ( the reason I keep going back?) but the truth was there all the time I just didn’t want to believe I had been taken for a ride. Time is a great healer but you can’t fix what isn’t broken and because I was still in so much denial I couldn’t be healed or fixed could I?