Am feeling pretty bad right now… It’s here in 12 hours i will be sat outside a jail waiting for his release …. Ah well my bad my choice my decision on what I think I want … Ok not on what I want but what I have been told I have to do…. Blah de blah off to bed …enough X
I suppose this is a follow on from last night…you know I am coming to a difficult time I am getting ‘opinions’ from many right now. I had to miss my fellowship tonight because I HAD to attend a training session for work. I missed my fellowship the experience strength and hope I so need right now. Today I felt like an addict I mean I felt how an addict must feel – yesterday I talked about faith, having faith in my ability to do what I have said I am going to do. But today that was questioned I felt as though the person in question didn’t believe me believe I could do what I said I was trying to do. Whilst I understand their concern it actually made me feel angry, sad, it made me feel as tho I couldn’t deliver, disempowered as though I was some stupid kid that couldn’t do what I said I was going to do….before my programme I would have reacted but I didn’t ok I am now but I would have reacted and accused and made a fuss. I am now just voicing my thoughts about it but more importantly understanding how it feels for the addict when we constantly disbelieve they will say what they say they will do, when they have MADE that decision. It’s horrible. Yes the addict in my life has relapsed yes I have relapsed so many times since coming to my fellowship for the last 2 years 😕 I don’t need to be told that you don’t think I can do this, I need you to say I know it’s difficult I know K can be very persuasive but I have faith that you can do this, stay strong, but if you can’t we are here for you!
Not posted much recently….life was turned on its head then on its arse…normality what ever that has ensued…about to start a 4 day bank holiday break followed by the rest of the week off….release date in that time….gone are the days of a bank holiday bonanza down the pub loosing the days in an alcholol fuelled session…now it’s down the allotment, peace quiet hard manual labour. Just me alone. No one else’s drama no one taking advantage no on trying to get one over on me. People can try to take advantage but only the once – now. If I don’t like the way I am treated I move on. Don’t play the victim -me or anyone else. Treat others how you want to be treated yourself but if it’s not good or respectful then don’t expect me to hang around. If you want something say but don’t expect me to solve your life’s problems. If it hasn’t got my name on it I ain’t going to jump in to save the day. Sounds angry this post? Not my usual musings? Yeah I guess so…not angry at anyone or thing just voicing to myself where my head needs to be at – is at!
I have got stronger I have had to…too many out there of you are concerned about what is about to happen….I am sick, I am trying to get well, I am/have become a co-dependent in desperation for love and affection that was missing in my life I allowed myself to put up with everything you already know…but only I can stop the cycle….that’s where Karma comes in what goes around comes around what we do in this life will be reflected in our next…I believe in that I truly do but for this pain to stop I have to stop it I have to deal with it myself! It’s not your problem to get involved with its not your opinion that matters yes I might do the same shit over and over expecting a different outcome but that is the insanity of addiction – I have said it before and will undoubtedly say it again! But this ‘problem’ is mine and mine alone. Let me deal with it in my own time and in my own way. Don’t expect instant results God knows it’s taken me 2 years to get this far, don’t shake your heads and say I told you so or I can’t believe she has done that after everything she said….don’t you think I know it before it’s even happened! Have faith in me…how many addicts have said that I wonder? I am asked all the time to have faith by someone that constantly relapses, it’s not about having faith or not having faith and even tho I have asked you the same damn thing what I mean is eventually there has to come a time when we have to live the hope we set ourselves. I have to have faith and hope that this time K will not relapse. I have to have faith and hope that if he does then I can tell him no. You have to have faith and hope that I will.
I am not religious it’s taken me 2 years to find a higher power a power greater than ME, a power that takes away my arrogance my self imposed belief that I could/can solve someone else’s problems, a power that releases me from the burden of belief that I can cure something change something that isn’t even mine to change or cure! So as we enter into this time of new beginnings this Christian celebration of renewed hope of being brought back to life from the dead, keep me in your thoughts may the light shine down on me may I feel peace and new beginnings or at least hope and rebirth in this next few weeks. May the God of my understanding give me the strength to stand firm, and if I waver do not judge me as its not your place to do so.
Peace out thanks for reading here’s to the new spring and if you celebrate then Happy Easter.
Things went as I thought they would, he was open to my fears and concerns but knew the right things to say back! He’s going to try to get somewhere else has agreed to let me find my head (and heart!) but now it’s up to him to prove me wrong. Of course he said the right things he wants to have an easy clean and happy life free of drugs and in recovery ( apparently with me) but where as 6 months ago I would have been well made up hearing his words today I was cynical. Of course I (don’t) know it must be horrible being told that your plans for the future are being changed last minute that you are no longer welcome when just a couple of weeks ago you were, coming off drugs in prison with little or no control over a situation must be very dis empowering and that wasn’t / isn’t my intention. But keeping me safe from addiction is. There is no place in my life for drugs or the drama it brings with it. There is no place in my life for mistrust and the drama that comes with that either. It’s complicated for sure but I will get thro it. With the love and guidance from my fellowship and HP. It might take a little longer than I wanted due to outside agencies needing to be involved but what will be will be. I didn’t back down but have to be reasonable given the shortness of time. We have both agreed that it’s not reasonable to expect him to find somewhere at such short notice ( if his bro don’t help him) but likewise it’s not fair on me to live in constant worry and mistrust. Right now I wish I could just take off somewhere for a couple of months with my dog and come home and just get on with my life in peace…no addicts no dramas no messed up head and heart! It’s not denial, it’s not even running away but I would just like all involved to sort out their shit without me being dragged into it. I like K he can be good company he’s how he was when I met him ( and that is dangerous for me!) I don’t like wishing my life away I don’t even really want to hover over a future that hasn’t come yet but for once I would like to fast forward and see what where and who is in my life in the next 6 months….I don’t want to go back to the future, but I wouldn’t mind if Marty could have a look and tell me 😀
Peace and serenity xxx
I wrote a post last week but didn’t post it to Facebook well I did then deleted it because I didn’t think it was fair that you would know something before K knew what I had to say to him. I am probably further on in my journey than I give myself credit for. I know what I want and don’t want ….no time wasters in my life now thanks! As I am probably over half way through my life ( I certainly hope so!) So it’s probably about time 😊 I wrote to K and told him I didn’t want him to move back here on his release timing is bad just over 2 weeks til he’s out. Do I feel bad of course I do but there are a few issues that are left unresolved for me. One his recovery. If he comes back here and he relapses then what? Back to square one stuck in my own home with an addict. Two does he really love me?? He says he does and has done so much to try to prove it to me…but he’s in a safe environment he’s clean he’s off the meth on a wing full of drugs and spice but hasn’t so he says ( prescription drugs exempt from this apparently!) but doesn’t show me affection again apparently because he doesn’t like to show the others in the visiting hall his feelings in case he’s seen as weak BS! Three do still I love him? I love who I met but not once since we split up and got back together has he done anything to make me believe he loves me and so my love for him has faded of course he blames the drugs. So there is a fourth but I don’t want to go into that just yet maybe never. Let’s just say something else has happened that has been thrown in the mix just to mess my head up even more than it already was – is! So I had no misconception that this would be easy but of course there is so much more than me just saying I don’t want him here, resettlement and probation EXPECT him to be here, he apparently is going to be licencesd to this address ( I don’t know how true that is yet??) going to have to make some phone calls..,all I know is for my happiness serenity and sanity I have to put me and my needs first, I might have to help him out but that’s help not enable to get him resettled but I HAVE to think of me and my wants before his this time. Please pray – send me positive vibes – do not judge – and support me in what is going to be a difficult few weeks x
Detatch with love is something we learn about in step one. Still loving the addict but detaching ourselves from them mentally. Some times physically too. It has been something I have struggled with. I wanted to I have tried on numberous occasions, to mind my own business not to get involved with what the addict was or wasn’t doing, but my illness wouldn’t allow me to. I always wanted to know what he was up to,who he was seeing, didn’t believe what he told me, just didn’t trust him. Whilst he’s been in jail some of that subsided. I knew where he was but still was suspicious was he using or messing about with prescription drugs. Was he actively working on his recovery. How many times have I heard him say he wouldn’t relapse this was his chance to get clean and then the first thing he does is go get a bag? Well every time he has been released from custody/jail he has, so that made me think am I wrong to assume this time won’t be different? I hate not having faith. I have tried so hard to believe he means it. I tried not to question him or his motives. Then I think of the impact that will have on us both. Me constantly looking for clues that he is using checking up on him, jeez if someone did that to me I would go insane! Do I want to live like that? Would he? No is the simple answer. Trust is like a piece of paper. Screw it up flatten it out the creases are still there, it can never go back to how it was. Can I live with that? Always wondering is he about to relapse? is he going to see her again? No is the simple answer. So what can I do….in less than a month he is meant to be moving back here. I never wanted that we even discussed him getting a half way house to make sure he stayed clean and we could build on that, see if we could rebuild the trust. But no he didn’t want that. Of course not that would mean having to look after himself! But who’s looking after me?? Apart from me? Actually that’s ok! But you know sometimes it’s nice just to be equal with someone looking out for each other!
No for me to live a healthy happy life I have to Detatch completely. It’s hard you know because there are so many layers to this. Firstly it sounds like I don’t believe him when he says he won’t relapse. I want to believe that this is the time but history has proved otherwise. That makes me feel bad for him and bad I don’t have faith in him. Secondly I know I will be suspicious of what he’s up to and doing that will lead to arguments possibly the police and recall to jail, again that is not fair on him nor is it healthy for either of us to live like that. Thirdly I don’t actually believe he loves me in the way I want him too, again not healthy for me to live a lie for the sake of spending time with him. Why would I want to live like that? I told him how I felt and all he said was I cant be what you want me to be! So today I have reclaimed my life I have detached with love I hope he succeeds and proves me wrong. That would be a great gift for him. I place him in the hands of his HP to look after him, I am not responsible for his life choices but I am my own. I think I have done all I can to support him but now it’s time to look after me. A lot has happened in this last year since he moved back in, But one thing seems to have a recurring theme when K is involved in my life chaos and heart break are usually not far behind. Maybe it’s an addict thing this drama. Am I wrong to want a quiet life? Am I wrong to want to live in peace and who knows maybe meet someone that’s interested in me for me and not what they can get or benefit from being with me? I am sure that those of you that have been reading my blog and know me personally are hoping that this time I mean it! So do I reader, but the hard bit is done, he’s been told it’s over. I also feel bad because it’s in a letter so you will know of it before him. But I couldn’t wait another week to see him to tell him face to face as time is so short to sort out accommodation. Will he let it go without a fight? I don’t know that’s how little I really know how he feels about me! Anyone can say they love you but showing it is a different matter, he’s not shown me much. Do I think this will be the end of it? No my friend I do not! But he’s a survivor has had to be. If you ever read this K it’s been interesting, I have learnt much. I am now on a journey of spiritual healing that I would probably never made if I hadn’t met you. I would never have started my blog and all the things that have come from that, so I have to thank you for coming into my life if only to get me where we are now. We had some good times some happy times but equally some bloody awful times. I wish you nothing but happiness good fortune and recovery. You made a huge impression on me that’s for sure. But sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough xx