Keeping it real 

As said previously I  am trying very hard to keep the blog’s focus on me..yep what brought me here was the pain of living with another’s addiction…over the last 4 years I have also come to realise I became a co-dependant an enabler and addicted to places people and things. I was hurting really hurting I had been betrayed I had given everything emotionally and financially and had been pissed on from a great height, I had every reason to feel angry and upset when I was in that mind set! So as I know another’s behaviour will impact on me I am trying to move the focus from him and on to me. Sometimes I will still refer to him of course he is what has brought me to this place brought me into co-dependency and enabling but this blog hurts him he is very private ( of course he’s an addict with all the feelings that brings the shame the pain but also I have to think about how I would feel if someone was writing about my every move!!!) so reader I am shifting gear…shifting focus I have been trying but honestly I probably only write when something he does triggers a reaction in me. So here we are…my journey out of co-dependency . My ‘partner’ /’boyfriend’ is a drug addict my blog did focus on all the pain that caused me when I was in co-dependency but now I am looking forward and will talk about my journey into and keeping my serenity. I didn’t realise there was another way to live, to live with another’s addiction, but whilst I have started my recovery I have come to realise there is another way. It’s not easy sorting out and separating helping and enabling, supporting and co-dependency, being and doing. But when you live with addiction that is actual what you have to do. So dear reader lets go back to the start of my recovery you know what and why I am here. Read or know the drama I went through, let’s celebrate the fact I am now able to talk about my recovery…. 

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Back to the blog then! 

After a break I thought I would give you all an update if you are interested. After a short holiday in Cornwall, we came back to normality. I thought he had done very well he had been fairly well over the week we were away, we had some nice days out. Things weren’t too bad between us given the night before we left. Anyway I was expecting the question can we just go to…. On the way home and of course it came, it added an extra 2 hours to the journey I was tired and really didn’t need this shit on the way home but he promised the usual I won’t use until I get back to yours, it will only be 10 minutes…blah blah blah, heard it all before and knew it would be impossible for him to not use the minute he got his grubby paws on a fix! I suggested he stayed as he had to go back on the Monday to see his land lady – or so he said, but he didn’t want to. So on the Monday he disappeared back to mac and then came home a couple of days later. He had some money because he had got paid when we was away, so I wasn’t getting involved with it.

Then on the tuesday last week when he was paid again he said he had to go to pay his rent, he came with me to Liverpool and was going to find his own way ( by jumping the train probably! ) back to mac. He paid me some money  he owed me in fact he gave me it all short of a tenner which for him was good. He had said some dealers had been in his flat when he went down the week before so it wasn’t locked up. I voiced my opinion that I thought it was risky leaving them there by themselves – not coz he has anything to steal but because letting them work out of there would be an instant eviction if the land lady found out. But hey non of my business! He called later to say he was going to see his sister that night and stop over, which I was cool with and that his crisis loan that he had applied for to go on holiday with should be in his account on Wednesday so was going to buy some trackies for detox, and then come home. He went shopping but didn’t come home! He said his mate was staying over as had just come out of jail and had no where to stay but would be back in the moring. I wasn’t too pleased but thought well he hasn’t seen him in a while and as long as he’s not asking me for money it’s no big deal. No actually what I thought was Bollox he’s going to be using with his mate and I could do with out this! Any way I am trying not to get involved with his using and giving my opinion on it as its not my life but his so kept quiet. He called Thursday morning to ask what time the train was back so I gave him two times but he never came back. He had now missed 2 days meth, and had been told that it would be stopped if he didn’t attend, so I reminded him of that, he said it was fine the chemist doesn’t close til 11:30pm and he would be home well before then. Of course I was more concerned with whether this was all bull shit and he was with her in Bolton. Then I got a call about 2pm  could I help him out? His mate had gone off to score and not come back he hadn’t had his meth he was really ill,…. The usual shit, I explained that I was skint, after the holiday and the fact I had had to borrow some money myself due to needing two new tyres for the car, it was not really very convenient to give him money. I ended up killing or hanging up the phone over 30 times. But when he is like that he refuses to take no for an answer. In the end I transferred twenty quid into his bank on the promise that he would be on the 6:20 train home, he didn’t come back. He turned up on Friday. I don’t know if he got his meth, I wasn’t really bothered. I was going away for the weekend, but he had received a call from the detox unit with a date for him to go. Wednesday this week! I went away and had a nice time with the family, they met the dog and all was good. I came home early on the Sunday because I had got some plants that needed to go in at the allotment so came home early so I had time to plant them in the afternoon. I was  tired from the drive, and he was sat there in his coat looking all pathetic. It was a lovely day so I knew he couldn’t be cold. What up with you? Ill was the response. Ill ill? Or rattling ill? Rattling, oh well that’s coz you have been hammering it since we got back from Cornwall – the sympathy stakes have been whittled away, I couldn’t care less if he’s rattling now. Can you help me? No. Come on love I am ill I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t. But you are always ill! So you are always asking… You are as bad now as when we were together in Mac, I don’t want it or need it.

You don’t want me here do you?

No not when you are like this no I don’t!

You seem to have given up trying, you did a week in Cornwall and since we got back you have used every day except one! You have detox in 4 days you are going to be really Ill if you continue using, you will be rattling and coming off meth.

I am going to be brief about the next bit, all I am going to say is this he took my car and my phone which had my bank cards in it. Since he took my bank card one night and took out money that I could little afford I keep the card with me at night in my phone case. I honestly thought he had gone to morecambe to score. It wasn’t until about an hour later when he hadn’t come back and I tried to call him and he didn’t answer the phone that I started to panic. There was not much fuel in the car, but I was staring to think he must have gone to Bolton because 1 he was refusing to answer the phone and 2 the length of time he had been gone. I went on line and saw he had indeed used my card and taken out £30 ten in Carnforth and £20 in Bolton, I went ballistic! I phoned again and again but he killed the call and then switched off the phone. I transferred all the money in the account into one he couldn’t access, and txt him to call me. He didn’t. So he had gone to see her before going into detox? If he was just buying drugs that would be bad enough but there was no reason for him not to answer the phone if that was all he was doing. I was livid. Taking the car and my phone was bad enough but spending money that was for something else no that was the last straw. By 8pm he still hadn’t come back. I contacted work as was at a loss as to what to do. I needed my car to get to work, this wasn’t on. I said I would have to get the train, but it would mean an early start for me but thought I could manage it. There was a train at 7:40 that got me in so I could get to where I had to be. But kept hoping he would return. By 11pm I gave up. I went to bed but didn’t sleep. The alarm went off at 6 but I had hardly slept every time I heard a car go past, a door slam, I was awake was it him? I decided to phone in sick, I was too tired to go to work and didn’t know what to do for the best.

I was physically and mentally exhausted. But I was thinking this is because of detox one last blast before he goes in he will be back later….but he wasn’t. I had to think ahead. I needed my cards back I needed bloody everything back, but how long to wait?  I knew new cards would take at least 5 days the phone about a day or so the last time I had to have it replaced because I lost it it was about 2 days. If he didn’t come back for detox then what? I am working away next week should have been working this bloody week! I need to have my cards phone and preferably my car back by then! I decided I had no choice I had to report them all stolen. I started with the cards, those would be the easiest. 5 working days so it could be Monday next week. Not ideal but ok. Then I knew I would need a crime number for the phone. So would have to contact the police first. This was a bit tricky…. He wasn’t insured to drive the car and it had been over 24 hours so  they would be asking why I didn’t just report it straight away….well because I thought to start with he had just gone to  morecambe 6 miles down the road… Even when I realised he had gone to Bolton I still expected him back the same night, and to be honest even though I was majorly pissed off that he had taken money out of my account, I still thought he would be back for detox, and foolishly believed him when he said that’s what he wanted to do! I thought reporting it to the police would be more hassle than it was worth, he had used the car before but only to go to Morecambe, and even though I knew it was wrong it was sometimes easier than getting dressed at night and driving him to score. But I had given him fair warning! I had said answer my text call me or I WILL have to report the car as stolen and he still refused to do so, so all in all I think i was fair leaving it 26 hours before telling the police. How much more do you want to know??? It was Tuesday before I gave a statement  it’s never as straight forward as you think it will be. The officer that took the statement didn’t ring back with a crime number then when I got it either the officer that gave it to me gave me the wrong number or maybe ( but I dispute this) I wrote it down wrong, so when I emailed the phone company with the details they didn’t process it , but didn’t call me to tell me! The car insurance people are just a bunch of numpties that haven’t a fooking clue! When I phoned to see how long they usually took before they decide the car is not going to be retrieved they didn’t know and kept asking whether I was going to press charges or not and even when I said but I have given a statement and said I will go to court wanted proof that I said I would press charges! I kept asking what proof do you need but they couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me, so ended up with me having to phone the police back and ask them to tell them, but and here’s the good bit….they aren’t allowed to do that because of data protection for fucks sake!!! By 4:30 yesterday afternoon I was ready to commit hari Kari!

In the mean time I had been onto find my phone app and could see where my phone was, my work emails , all my bookings for the year so far were disappearing and being deleted, ( not by me) any emails locating my phone’s location were also being deleted even tho the phone was supposed to be blocked! So I contacted the police in Bolton to tell them where my phone was and said I assume my car will be in the area too. It wasn’t, but at least they looked for me. Bolton isn’t in my county and my police force hadn’t informed the Bolton police that I had an address, so that pissed me off too. Bolton police come under greater Manchester police and I am sure that they are over stretched with all the cuts but you know what’s? They treated me with far more respect and understanding than my local police force did, so well done GMP! So that’s about it so far….it’s pretty shit living in the country with no car or cash card. One bus an hour to get to the nearest town that has my bank to take out money so over 21/2 hours to get to Morecambe and back just to go to the bank. Do I feel bad for reporting him to the police? For the inconviences alone no I don’t! Do I want to see him again most definitely not, do I feel sorry for him? Yes if that is what addiction makes you do then yes but if that’s just him not giving a shit about how his behaviour will impact on me then no, but more importantly I care about how his behaviour impacts on me – do not accept the unacceptable is a catch phrased used in my fellowship, in the last 72 hours I have experienced the unacceptable and will not accept it. So I guess that means I have moved on, I am learning and can rest easy in knowing that it’s ok to put me first.

I assume he didn’t make detox? He called me Wednesday morning. No doubt to ask for money and said the car had run out of fuel I asked him where it was he refused to tell me I said you know what? You could have told me it ran out of fuel 3 days ago but you didn’t and hung up. I haven’t heard back.😔

Don’t suppose this will be the end of it…. I don’t doubt for a minute that he won’t be in touch either when they arrest him or find the car and then arrest him but I doubt very much this is the end of it, but this time for me it most definitely is. If you have read the blog from start to now you know I have said this is it the end blah blah blah but this time I see it for what it is and for what he is, and I don’t like him any more. Before I blamed the drugs the addiction, but it goes far deeper. On my journey to recovery I have learnt what I find acceptable and what is not and this is not and I will not accept it. He does not deserve me or my kindness, and we all know kindness is not a weakness and should never ever been seen as such.

For now readers I say bye and wish you peace x

Right here right now!

I had every intention when starting this blog to do it in chronological order but sometimes something happens that makes you change your mind! Today has been one of those days I don’t know if I will discuss with you the ins and outs yet but I want you to know just how horrible I feel. In September K stole from me. He persuaded me to let him come to mine, to try to do a home detox so I let him come. He no WE lasted a day and then went to score. Later in the day he wanted me to take him home, he asked if we could take the iPad I laughed and said no because I was short of cash and he would persuade me to take it down cash converters the next day. To cut a long story short he stole it but I didn’t know until I got home the next day. In my anger and feeling of total betrayal I told the police. Today I went to court and watched as he was taken to jail. That is bad enough but I also know that he is by now going thro rattle he has 4 weeks in jail, to get himself sorted out. We are actually good but knowing by now he is in pain and will probably get very little support because he so doesn’t want to go back to the meth is killing me! So this little post is just saying even tho there has been over 2 years of this story even when you do the right thing for you both the guilt is sometimes hard to bear. He made the choice today to go to jail knowing he would not only have to detox in jail but also not be out for christmas. He could have gone not guilty but there were other things like a suspended sentence which means he would have gone down anyway but I just wanted it on the record that I admire him so much for doing what is the hardest thing to do, for any addict. K I love you and hope you find the strength to get thro what is going to be a very hard time for you. I hope you really have reached rock bottom, I hope that maybe we will have a future at the end of this. I ask my HP to give you strength and guidance and hope to see you soon xx