Walking the walk! 

No matter what brings you to the rooms what your addiction there has to come a point when you stop talking the talk and actually walk the walk! You will be pleased to read today I have. Negative behaviours from another that impact on me are no good. At the weekend I could see how his drug of choice has reclaimed him again. It’s hard to watch and even harder to bring up in conversation, but brought up it had to be ūüėĒ of course I was promised the moon on a stick if I could just do this or that and how he was going to go to drugs services today go back on the script, something I know he hates being on more than drugs, so went with it, but I was also very clear as to what I would do if he didn’t follow his plan. That I understand how the drug works but the behaviour that was starting to show its self ( both mine and his) was not the road I wanted to go down. I feel extremely irritated by his use of drugs his constant requests for money the constant lies I have heard too many times before to even start to believe them any more, but I did believe that he would go to drugs services because I do believe he doesn’t want to be a slave to this drug. At on point he said how do you think I have been paying for it? Stealing?? Was my answer, yes he said because I don’t want to ask you…fair point thank you, but I could get recalled if I get caught, yes you could but who’s put you there? I saw his face the disappointment when i didn’t say you must not steal to feed your habit – I didn’t jump in to rescue him. So today after a fairly good weekend that wasn’t filled with too much drama we headed back to Macc via me working in Manchester on the way. One of the things I had said to him was this. I know for you to stop using you have to heal yourself get to the rotten root that makes you feel you can’t cope with life. You have to get spiritually well, I am on that road to recovery so believe me when I say, you can do what ever you want to do, but I will not go back to how it was before you went to jail, I will not enable you I will not give you money. When I do I feel bad about myself feel stupid feel fake, so to keep my serenity I know I have to remove myself from the drama and the chaos. It hurts me your behaviour hurts me. I hurt myself when I don’t follow my programme. But I don’t suppose he listened or if he did heard, why should he when I have never really stuck by it, a few days later giving in to him to his requests as I always have in the past. Can I borrow your phone he asked as I was driving, yeah sure…apparently some guy owed him some H only had 1 when he wanted 2 so he wanted to get it….well as long as it wasn’t going to impact on me, there wasn’t much I could say. So he said he needed to go and see this fella and would jump the train, he was ill he couldn’t be sitting in the car for 2 hours waiting for me, he’d be back on the script tomorrow blah blah blah….I said do what you want BUT I haven’t got time to be waiting on you I have a personal appointment that I need to get home for, so when I am finished you better be ready. ( could already feel my nerves rattling and stress building up ) so I dropped him at the station and went to do my job. When it was finished I called him, no answer…called again no answer, txt him you better ¬†pick up or I am going home not hanging around for you….called again picked up! Getting on the train now, ok you better be as I am not hanging around if your not here by 12 I am going. Drove to the station as checked the times of the trains. One had just come in the next one got in just before 12.. Unsurprisingly he wasn’t on either of them. So I txt him because of course now he wouldn’t answer! I gave him time to get from the station to where I was parked but because of my appointment couldn’t wait any longer. This is my txt ūüėĒ

Sorry that train has come in so if u weren’t on it too bad u should have said u wasn’t or at least picked up the call. Will drop you stuff off sometime can’t tomorrow maybe Wednesday – your on your own now told u I didn’t want to go back to this way of life sorry – u can lie to yourself but not to me I love u but not the chaos u bring to my life. If u genuinely want to stop get yourself sorted and call me X

When I read it I can see just how stressed I had become in such a short space of time all my negative behaviours showing them selves right there! You do this or I will do that! That’s no way to live to behave, to be!

Yes I have walked away before but that was through arguments etc, this is because I want to keep my serenity I can’t go back I can’t live a lie, I feel bad of course his feet really are bad has no money and is stuck in the one place I really don’t want him to be, because I know where he will probably head ūüėĘ he will blame me it will be my fault I left him there with no money and no transport, but you see it’s not my fault, it’s his choice of behaviour ( not the drugs yes he relapsed but that’s the way the drug works) he choose to jump the train to get there, he knew I had an appointment to get back home for, granted he probably didn’t think I would walk away, but this time I had to, talking the talk is one thing living it and doing it is a lot harder but if I don’t put it into practice now then nothing will change.

Peace out in Hope X

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Sharing and identifying 

When I read others blogs i often find myself identifying with their posts especially those that are on the receiving end of addiction. As with the rooms I don’t feel so alone in a confusing world that sometimes gives us contradictory messages. I have tried out of respect for the addict in my life to keep the focus on me in my last few posts. 1 because I know it upsets him that I talk to the world about his struggles ¬†2 because it’s only right I should focus on me but sometimes certain behaviours will mean I have to mention him because it’s how I deal with it or am learning to deal with them.

In fear of repeating myself ( maybe I am just reaffirming my thoughts here) the last couple of weeks have been hard to deal with. I have been blessed to learn and recognise what I find acceptable and what I don’t what I can make comment on and what doesn’t have my name on it so need to keep my nose out. It’s hard and sometimes the boundaries get blurred. Take his relapse. I know he has relapsed, it is disappointing for me but not unexpected. I don’t know for certain what he is using but he has told me he has relapsed so I assume he’s ¬†back on the heroin. This then throws up a dilemma for me. I have said since he came out of prison that I would not support him financially. I have given him the odd tenner he never asks for ¬£10 maybe 5 or even 3 so he can get some food but I knew it wasn’t for food. He has poorly legs and feet from running around doing what he does to get drugs and his refusal to stay in bed for a couple of days meant they got worse. Now he is on antibiotics with possible blood poisoning but still the call is too strong. He is a hopeless case. I hope though that I am not. I will see him this weekend and will see just what state of mind and body he is in, but I can’t and won’t go back to giving him money for drugs (or now ¬†I know he’s using for anything else). It’s not emotional blackmail when he says I ¬†am the only one that hasn’t given up on him. It does make it difficult to walk away because I am not giving up on him, but have to put my own sanity first. I don’t want to know about his dramas ( self created). I don’t want to contribute to his death. I hope beyond hope he’s not too far gone this time as to him not being able to understand what I have to say. To understand I am not giving up on him but don’t want his chaos. I can’t go back to enabling him, doing things for him he could do himself. I don’t want to any more. That is the difference. I know how damaging that is, doing instead of being. He has to understand that this time I have learnt that I can identify negative behaviours that hurt me and hurt him. Both from me but also from him. Before I understood about co-dependency I thought I was doing things out of love, and I was but then it became controlling. This is where the boundaries get blurred and contradiction ¬†kicks in. If you love someone you genuinely want to keep them safe so try to stop the behaviour that you know is killing them, like you would try to stop someone jumping off a bridge right? But with addiction you can’t do that. I can’t do that, it has to come from him. How many times have we had screaming rows over ¬£20? Because I was trying to stop him – I was skint too but even so I never just handed it over at the start ¬†ending up wasted so much energy just to back down and give in to his demands. Today he openly asked for money. Today I didn’t even try to say no I just said I will see what I can do. Why? Because I couldn’t be bothered getting into a state before work, I needed to keep my serenity, and it’s no good saying just hang up the phone or blocking his number he uses someone else’s phone. Once I have seen him at the weekend if he’s in as deep as I think then I will walk away. He knows my views and ¬†I know it was wrong giving in to him. Mixed messages and all that, but he was at least respectful. So don’t feel badly towards me. I am doing this in my own way. Trust I will not go back down that road of co-dependency I don’t want him to want me at any price any more. And I don’t want him at any price. This time I have the tools and am putting them into practice.

In hope xx

And so to the new year and the end of my story….

so in between Christmas and new year we stayed in macclesfield and came back to mine for the New Year….I don’t know why we bothered really. He was back in active addiction by now, using every day and of course the methadone. I have posted about New Years Day earlier in my blog so won’t repeat it. I wasn’t in work until the 5th so on the Friday we had to go back to Mac so he could pick up his script. I was working in Manchester on the Monday so I think we stayed at his for the weekend. So I wasn’t wasting money on fuel. I had a little job in the moring and I am not sure if he came with me or not but after I finished I either went back to Mac to pick him up or he was with me and we went to score. I think I came back for him as he scored in Mac, dealers were back now they had had their Christmas break! So inconsiderate didn’t they know I had to drive all over Cheshire and Lancashire trying to score lol! We then went to the leisure centre so he could have a dig. Work called me when I was waiting. It was only the 5th Jan and my money was running low already, but he had promised to give me the ¬£100 he owed me the next day when he got his benefits. I have already explained what happened next (see 5th Jan post if you want to know) so after he came back to the car I dropped him off home and went back to mine so I could work from home. I still don’t fully understand what happened. He has said he didn’t want to drag me down. I think he had played me all the time. He had no intention of stopping using. He used me for the money until his benefits came through, and then dumped me. But this is the bit that I can’t work out. He knew he could use me for money. So maybe just maybe that little part of him that still has some decency left decided to letting me go was the right thing to do. Maybe he could see a change in me how ever slight, I was using language he had heard in rehab, he would pull me up for it. Saying why you using that term? We are not in groups now!  And I would say but yes I am though I am still in my fellowship even if you are not. I am putting in to practice what I have learnt or at least trying to. Maybe he knew this time it wouldn’t be as easy. He would have to work a little bit harder to get his money. That he knew I didn’t want to live in a life of addiction any more. It’s now been 11 days since he last phoned. My mobile is still blocked to him. He can call the house phone at the moment, but I am thinking of getting a bar on that too. Maybe I am not ready to cut my ties completly? Maybe I like the thought of him wanting me, even if it’s just for money, just to have a bit of a verbal sparring match to see who wins? But if I am thinking like that then he has won. 

So there you have it. What brought me here. I think my posts will be fewer now. I will read back and see if I have missed anything significant. No doubt I will remember something I haven’t told you. If I continue to write it will now be about my journey, through the steps. I might revisit things and analyse what I have done. What I would do differently. Maybe I will look at the impact on me. 

When you live in the chaotic world of addiction, you can’t see much. My life became second place, no probably even further down than that.  I am not anti drugs. I think some people can use them safely like drink. But some people can’t. Addiction any addiction creeps up slowly. You don’t even know it’s happening. My life had become unmanageable. I should be happy that I am free of that. But I doesn’t stop me loving the man I met. I know that I will never see that man again. I wish I could. Maybe one day he will make the break for real. All I ever wanted was that man back. That’s why I held out time after time, lie after lie, broken promise after broken promise, I understood it was the drugs that made him behave like this. I believed in him. I believed he wanted to be free, to be the man I had met. Addiction killed us both. The fun loving people we were eroded away. We became obsessed with money ( or at least lack of it) getting the next bag, me finding ways to restrict his usage him trying to find a new believable lie to get more money from me. We existed we didn’t live. He said once because I didn’t want him grafting it was the longest he had stayed out of prison and on the drugs. He said he usually had a bit of a break from it if he went to jail.  He said his life of crime was over, that he wanted a good life with me. He thanked me for keeping him out of jail. He said he wanted us to be together which is why he didn’t go out grafting unless he really had to. We tried to live we tried to be normal do normal couple things at the weekends, go on holidays. We did. I don’t know how ill he was when we were away, he said the meth held him. And we sometimes had fun. I will hang on to the good times we had, because although there weren’t many when we were away from accessing drugs we did have a good time together. I don’t know if he really loved me. But if he didn’t then maybe he should go into acting because he played a very good part. Maybe he was just grateful….but for now let me believe he did love me even if it was only for a little while. This is now getting emotional for me so I will stop. Thank you for reading. 

Karen x