So tired 

At the moment I feel physically and emotionally tired, as is my way I have been mulling over what was said at the weekend and why I was so impressed by what he said in the early part of the weekend. I stated on my last 2 blog posts I wondered if he had been reading my blog, and have now come to the conclusion I am right. Or if he isn’t she is and is feeding him lines. 

When we were driving to see the puppy he was saying how sorry he was for hurting me that he didn’t mean to but the drugs made him do certain things that he felt he had no control over. I was up front and said back well you have hurt me again and again it’s very hard to live with, it destroys me mentally and emotionally. He responded by saying yes I suppose if I hit you it would be over with… At the time I thought mmm insightful but of course thinking about it  I said the same on my blog previously how emotional abuse is for me worse than physical ( and please do not think I am playing down physical abuse I am not I know it can lead to murder ) but the emotional hurt is as bad as if he slapped me again and again. He also talked about the cycle of addiction feels bad about himself so uses feels bad about using so feels bad so uses…again something I think I have mentioned. He never articulated anything like that before when we were together? He also talked about the effect it all had on me…something he couldn’t have known with out reading my blog. Previously when I had written about my experiences and we met he said stop making out you’re a victim… At the time it wasn’t linked to anything that we had talked about but it could have been linked to my blog. Why is this important? Because he obviously did his homework and sadly maybe he wasn’t as insightful as I thought, it wasnt from him. Well that’s unkind maybe he did recognise some of it he said it had shocked him I might have lost my job because of him, I said we will never know ( again on my blog)  I thought he was showing so much insight into addiction – his addiction it was plausible for him to think and feel that way, but it was the stuff around the impact on me he couldn’t have known as I never told him when we were together. So Mr J if you’re reading this I hope you take it on board! I had thought before that you might be reading this because of certain things and behaviours but I am now convinced that you are…you are so wrapped up in your self it must be hard for you not to read something about YOU even if it’s not always positive! Remember addiction doesn’t only affect the addict but all of those around you. It makes us detectives it makes us go to extreme lengths to prove we are right. That you can’t be trusted. That is something I have learnt in NAR-ANON, and now let me get on with my recovery your addiction has no place in my life. When you are free of it remember I was only ever good to you. You always got your own way, you mostly always got what you wanted from me. Some one that would normally not mix in the circle that you brought me to. That might help someone out begging on the street, but wouldn’t actively hunt out addicts to hang out with because that’s not my circle. What was on offer was friendship support love – unconditional love and you abused that. So let’s go back if you had hit me I wouldn’t have stayed. I wouldn’t have made an excuse, emotional abuse is much harder to pin point, but is every bit as evil. The difference there are no bruises that people can see. But the damage done is every bit as great. 

As I have said before addiction kills – it killed my energy, my hopes and dreams for our future, my love of life, my self worth and confidence, my trust, it killed friendships, it killed my integrity as a person, it killed my happiness, those are just some of the affects it had on me, for you as the addict it must be even worse, I hope you find peace. 

Final act continued 

so we were excited at the prospect of a new dog. I was feeling more relaxed about me and him and as he kept saying so much about how sorry he was with everything he had done. I was starting to believe him. He seemed very insightful to how he had hurt me again and again he acknowledged that it must be hard for me to trust him but was asking to prove it to me that he wanted us to try again. He would get his script moved up to mine. I had a busy week ahead and so wouldn’t be able to see him but agreed I would go to his Friday stay over and come back up to mine once he picked up his script. We also hoped that he would have then arranged for it to be ready at my doctors. I was apprehensive I wasn’t sure I wanted him back in my life full time, but he seemed so plausible so I agreed in principle to it. We just hung out in the evening watched a couple of films got a take away usual Saturday night stuff. We went to bed about midnight watched another film on the iPad and went to sleep. He cuddled me most of the night. He hadn’t been this close to me in a long time. 

There was something still niggling me though. When I picked him up there had been some make up in the bathroom. I had said nothing at the time because I wanted to use this info if anything didn’t go as planned. But there was only one person that could have left it there, it wasn’t even at the back of the shelf it was right at the front for all to see. It most definitely belonged there! 

In the morning we got up had a bit of breakfast watched another film and started to get things ready to go back to Macclesfield. He had asked if I had some bedding he could borrow because he needed to change the sheets and I said yes I will take yours back with me tho to wash them ( and was thinking of this doesn’t happen then I have a replacement set for the ones I give him lol) I sorted out some food for him and we made our way back. We went via morecambe so he could see the sea and I suggested we could learn to sail they have a sailing club there and teach it. I thought it would be good for us to do something. He joked about us getting swept off course and ending up in the Irish Sea. I think knowing us there would be a good chance! He had said he wished I could see him before next Friday. I really miss you he said I don’t like being alone. I said I know but it’s not possible. It’s the week before pay day and I don’t have a lot of spare cash for fuel. What with saving for the puppy and a shed although I had money I wanted to keep if for the reasons I had saved it. Not to buy extra fuel to fly up and down the M6 to see him. As we were driving back he said love you know I don’t like asking ( but I thought you are going to anyway!) but do you think there is any chance you could lend me £20 I know you haven’t got much money but if you have enough for fuel this week I will give you it back the following week when I get my money and I will give you some towards the dog. I don’t want you to give me money for the dog K she is mine… Aw come on she’s ours…so will you? I say have a look I my purse. I have taken out all the free cash I have so see what’s in there. I knew there was £40. But we always had to go through some sort of routine when I gave him money. 

There’s forty so can I get a couple of bags to see me thro? Please? 

I give in yes take £20 

Thanks love I know you don’t like going there but it’s probably easier for be to get it in Bolton…

You’re right I don’t like going there! 

It will be quicker if we do rather than hang around in Mac you know what it’s like…

Yes I did and tbh Bolton was a lot quicker usually than it was in mac. 

So we detoured to Bolton he phone a guy and he was the other side of town and so we had to wait. For some reason he had got out of the car. I roughly knew where we were I recognised the area where she lived when he had taken me there before and we weren’t that far from it. It was a busy area lots of people walking about. He said hi to a few. He was known round here. I didn’t really think about it. We were waiting for a while. The guy came after about 20 minutes he came back to the car but didn’t get in… He only had one bag he’s coming back in a bit, he still had a tenner in his hand so I knew he had only got one bag he then said listen love I have something to tell you….

My heart sank…. 

I didn’t know how to tell you because I know you don’t like coming here because of what happened but if i am getting my script up to yours I have to tell you…I get my script here in Bolton. I have been coming thro every day to get it and I didn’t want you going to the doctors to register me and thinking my script was from CDT in Mac…

You are still with her aren’t you? 

No no of course not are you mad? Don’t you think she would be texting me asking where I am I haven’t seen her in weeks…

K her make up is in your bathroom! Girls don’t leave make up if they are not coming back! 

She left it ages ago 

Then why have you still got it? Why haven’t you thrown it away? 

She has clothes there too I have things at hers in fact I need to go and get them cos I have nothing at mine… I will pack them and get the train home…

Really? REALLY! You expect me to believe this? 

I’m not with her I have tried to be honest with you I told you my script is here I have been coming through on the train ( shoves old tickets in my face ) or I jump the train why you being so unreasonable ( shouting) why don’t you believe me 

Inside I am thinking because I know when you are lying… Don’t shout at me! 

I am sorry but I am Not with her give me a kiss. Look I will get my things and go back to mac 

No you won’t! If you have ur script here you will stay here and get it in the morning. God you gave really played me this time haven’t you? Bet you can’t wait to get back there and have a laugh at me with your food shopping and a bag of brown! 

It’s not like that at all, I promise we are not together but I will get ny things and go back to Mac and I will ring you when I get home. I wouldn’t have 2 women on the go it’s not what I do. 

No but you have  her on the go and have  just had a nice weekend away! 

No you’ve got it wrong! I am not with her how could I be I have been with you all weekend..,

But you won’t let me come with you now to get your stuff and wait for you because I know if you go in there you’re not coming out are you? If your script is here you are here! 

Look I missed a couple of pick ups so they cancelled it I only had here as an option

But you would have to be registered at a doctors I know the system K I lived with you for 2 years I know how it works! You register first and then you would have got it transferred 

No you’re wrong I only get my script here… We haven’t been together for over 4 weeks I come thro get my script go home I jump the train it’s easy…

He was getting panicy in his voice he had been caught out and that’s why he got angry. Come on why would I spend the weekend with you and make plans to get my script transferred to yours if I didn’t want to be with you? 

Maybe she threw you out? 

Love you’re being daft, I want to be with you look I will go and get my stuff I don’t think this guy is coming back ring me when you get home and I will tell you where I am! 

My head was all over the place. I wanted to believe him but this time I couldn’t. For what ever reason he had lied again. But one thing was missing from all of this, he never once said he loved me. He had been caught out this time. In my heart I don’t know what he must have said to her, maybe he told her he was at his sisters? Maybe she was away for the weekend? I don’t suppose it matters! Maybe she knew which is why she didn’t call or txt him? Maybe just maybe they weren’t together? But one thing was for sure he wasn’t going back to Macclesfield that night that I would put my next wage on! 

I drove home I was numb, I couldn’t cry I wasn’t angry I was just numb. I felt ashamed I had let myself be drawn into his web of lies and deceit again believed this time he meant what he said. I know I hadn’t been honest with him about my feelings or the fact that I didn’t want him moving into mine straight away, but that was something for me to deal with if it had happened. I loved him just wasn’t in love with him. I hurt tho this was just about the lowest he had got. I still wanted to believe he wanted what he said to me. But knew he didn’t. I don’t know why he spent the weekend with me, he didn’t have to give me the bull shit about getting his script moved up because I would have still met him let him come to mine…why go to the troube of such a complex lie for £20! He would have got the money anyway ( probably!) 

So because I felt such shame and embarrassment that is why I didn’t look to my family yesterday for support. Sometimes it’s just easier to write it all down because it’s detached vocalising this is too much it’s too painful. 

This time was the last time I can’t keep up hoping he means what he says. I phoned him when I got home but he killed the call. I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t expect him to answer only hoped he would. I can’t keep on making excuses for him and his bad behaviour. I don’t understand how a druggies mind works it seems a pretty extreme thing to do just for a bag? He didn’t have to say he wanted his script up here – why throw that into the mix? Because it sounded feasible? Because he thought it gave me hope? Made it sound like he just wanted to be with me? If someone can enlighten me on that I would be grateful! But how could any of us know what the hell he was thinking? Well I know I have said it before but that was it. The last and final act of deceit and betrayal. My mental health can’t take much more. I know for me to find peace and happiness I can no longer have contact with him. I can’t believe him any more. Again and again he has let me down again and again I have let myself down by wanting to believe that he wants to be with me. Chance after chance.  I have forgiven him  again and again for my mental health not for him to feel better. This time will be different but it never is is it? That first hit, that first drink, that first pill, that first dig, that phone call that says I am sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you….and we believe we believe even tho we know it will lead to pain and suffering we do it anyway because that is the nature of addiction. His, yours and mine. It can’t be cured it can only be arrested and the only way is by abstaining. 

So there you have it. It’s been an emotional roller coaster again this weekend. Ha ha to say the least! Bit of an understatement. 

Thanks for reading. I couldn’t live throught it again last night which is why I held off until now. I was angry at myself  I was hurt and I wanted it to be as objective as I could, which I couldn’t have done last night.  

One last and final act of betrayal 

so after a week of phone calls and promises of how he wants to get back with me and how sorry he is for the way he had and has treated me I cave in and agree to meet him. It’s awkward I have a pretty full on Saturday planned I am getting a puppy and it is my first visit in the afternoon and I have a hairdressers appointment in the morning. So timing wise I don’t think I can go to Macclesfield and pick him up, so I phone the dog breeder and put off the visit for half an hour. It’s a 2 hour drive from his to the breeders house so that gives me about half an hour to play with if I go and pick him up. I want to see him for my own reasons the main one being I want to tell him I have come on so much now from where I was I don’t want to help him any more. Also I want him to understand that I understand why he might have left me the negative feelings he had towards me because I was so ill and couldn’t express how I felt at the time ended up with us being resentful to each other… His embrassment of how he had treated me before he went into rehab, the ‘I feel good’ feelings he had when he was clean and someone who knew how he felt – connecting with her  and so I understood when they were both feeling shiny and new me with all my hang ups and bad feelings at the time made me the second option. I wanted to make amends.  So I met him. When I left the hairdressers I called to say I was on my way, he said look love I might have to go to Bolton to score on the way there’s nothing going on in mac. I said well times are tight so be ready to go when I get there. He said call me when u get here. Ok and I did, love it’s fine I have got things sorted here so come to the flat ( phew I think) so I go to the flat. There is someone else there in the flat when i get there I vaguely recognise him, he was out of it and had obviously just shot up.. The works were all over the kitchen counter but I was still a bit taken aback that someone else was there… That to Me meant sharing…he left K got his stuff together and we set off we started talking like we had never before! He started it by saying how sorry he was for what he had done to me, me saying the above, him saying I shouldn’t blame myself it was him that had done the wrong he was the one to blame could I see my way to having him back he would get his script transferred to mine he understood that I was the best thing that could happen to him i was his best chance of a life he could never have in normal circumstances  holidays abroad going out at weekends etc etc ( mmm not I want to be with you for you??) u are a good woman you are the only one that understands this is a disease an illness you are the only one that  is there for me again and again… My family dont care they think i can just stop you understand it. Yes I do K I do understand it which is why i have put up with the lies and the deceit because I know it’s the drugs that make u do things but know the man i met is still in there somewhere! 

I don’t know how to stop. I don’t value myself I think if it wasn’t for the life I had as a child…

Well I can’t help u on that only u can do it. But blaming it on past experiences that you can not change won’t make the reasons you say you use go away! You have to accept you had a shit up bringing and decide you don’t want that to hold you back any more and have a future…

I am impressed you are now leading groups! ( change of subject ) 

Well it’s about giving something back K it’s about commitment but thank you. It’s not a big deal! It’s just reading a script really… 

Yes but you understand you know what I am going through, u get it! 

Yes I do but I also get that I can’t enable you, I can be there emotionally I can be there as a listening ear I can even go as far as to buy you food and be with you as a couple if we are together but I can’t buy your drugs. I don’t want to live in chaos I don’t want to lie I don’t want to live like we were before. 

We won’t I promise you I value what you have  done for me I want to have a good life with you ( *note no mention of I love you, I want to be with you, you make me happy!!!) 

There was not even a mention of really giving up the drugs apart from a half hearted I don’t want to use when I am at yours and with you at yours I don’t even think of getting drugs! ( no cos at mine u have trips out meals out now TV, netfixs..,,)

So I got a lot of my chest… I held nothing back, a lot of it was  rehearsed        in my head. 

And yet the words he said sounded but more importantly looked ( on his face) genuine! 

I thought we had turned a corner he had turned a corner… (Maybe he does read my blog?? Maybe that’s where  all this sudden insight and honesty (?) hade come from), or if not he really was being honest and he really did think he had done me wrong and he was sorry for it? ( I also have another theory which will come out later and if u are reading this Leeza fuck off ur rumbled!) 

So we went to see my puppy …aw beautiful… Can’t wait 4 more weeks …of course it was all about him I was only getting a puppy cos I was lonely and missed him! At this point I was playing his game if that’s what he wants to believe then that’s why I was getting it. Actually for the record I love dogs have missed not having one for over a year and a half. Got over  my loss before investigating getting another ( have already got one pre ordered in the summer but these were too hard to resist lol) but need the companionship but more importantly for me at the moment the motivation to go out and walk/exercise!

WE chose which one WE were going to get I am sure the family we visited thought WE were a couple. I was beginning to believe it myself. So WE went back to mine buzzing coS WE were getting a dog, WE can’t have kids so being an older couple this was US investing in a future…ok I was doing it regardless but he had made this something WE were doing together as a couple. He was going to house train her I didn’t have to worry about going to work or working away this was OUR dog OUR responsibility. I have a big trial coming up but he was going to be there I didn’t have to stress. He would get a bike and him and OUR dog would go out and run/ bike for miles. HE was once again shaping my future. 

I fell into the convenience of having a relationship with this (image of the ) man I love. But now it was being cemented by US having a dog together      That  I am sure,  for a lot of people is ( or at least to me) a life long commitment! 

Ok this is now only half way through but I don’t read long blogs to the end and I am sure u guys don’t either so I am finishing here and will continue at another point in time! It gets good believe me! 

Any family members reading this don’t be offended I haven’t told u about the puppy yet! I wanted to see her before I committed ( she’s a Shunoodle! Shnuaza  and poodle  hopefully curly black hair but at the mo straight hair but previous pups photos it will be curly!) and cos I had this going on was a bit distracted, and because j get embrassed by my stupidity – believing him again and again – I didn’t tell u the truth about meeting him😔

  

Forgiveness

I have to keep on forgiving because if I dont I waste energy on things I have no control over. What I struggle with is if forgiveness can become enabling? By allowing someone to behave in a way I find hurtful will there be an end to that behaviour? Even though I know that it’s not diliberate hurt, it’s just the nature of the relationship we have ( or don’t have). I know our wants are very different. I know the drugs make him behave in a way that is not really acceptable to me, and so I forgive. Not to forgive means I fret about what I have or haven’t done, what he has or hasn’t done….let go let God. I don’t think I understood that phrase for as long as I have been part of the fellowship but I think I am now understanding that I can’t take on the responsibility of his actions, I have to give it over to my HIgher power  to deal with and do what they think is best. What I need to work out is whether I can have any sort of friendship with him and keep on forgiving him. But more importantly what do I get from this very bizarre situation.

New number again! 

So he has yet a new number, the reason he hasn’t been in touch is he says he’s  been on remand! But then they drop the case once they got the cctv! We managed a 30 minute conversation with out him asking me for money, that’s a major first! He said I sounded happy I said I am! I don’t have chaos  ruling my world. He said something about me seeing someone I said no he said good I wouldn’t be happy if you were. I said it didn’t matter to me what he thinks – he says but you love me – I said no I love something and someone that doesn’t exist. He said I want to be that person again. Yes I want him to be too. But also know it’s not very likely. He said he would phone me later. I don’t think he will unless he thinks he has a chance of money. I know I should say to him please stop phoning me, I need to move on and then I think about what I have read on other blogs about having someone supporting you when no one else does. Am I holding him back being a friend allowing him to talk to me? Or am I giving him hope because  I do believe in him and believe one day he will turn it around? 

Am I giving myself false hope that one day he will change? My mum asked me if I still care for him…yes I do I try to convince myself otherwise but when he calls and we have a proper conversation with out playing a money game I do still care for him, he makes me laugh always has done in a good way! Damn it Karl Jackson leave me alone! 

According to my astrological line today was supposed to be either the end or the start of my big love affair! The one I have been waiting for was going to appear today! Pfft 😤

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. 

And so to the new year and the end of my story….

so in between Christmas and new year we stayed in macclesfield and came back to mine for the New Year….I don’t know why we bothered really. He was back in active addiction by now, using every day and of course the methadone. I have posted about New Years Day earlier in my blog so won’t repeat it. I wasn’t in work until the 5th so on the Friday we had to go back to Mac so he could pick up his script. I was working in Manchester on the Monday so I think we stayed at his for the weekend. So I wasn’t wasting money on fuel. I had a little job in the moring and I am not sure if he came with me or not but after I finished I either went back to Mac to pick him up or he was with me and we went to score. I think I came back for him as he scored in Mac, dealers were back now they had had their Christmas break! So inconsiderate didn’t they know I had to drive all over Cheshire and Lancashire trying to score lol! We then went to the leisure centre so he could have a dig. Work called me when I was waiting. It was only the 5th Jan and my money was running low already, but he had promised to give me the £100 he owed me the next day when he got his benefits. I have already explained what happened next (see 5th Jan post if you want to know) so after he came back to the car I dropped him off home and went back to mine so I could work from home. I still don’t fully understand what happened. He has said he didn’t want to drag me down. I think he had played me all the time. He had no intention of stopping using. He used me for the money until his benefits came through, and then dumped me. But this is the bit that I can’t work out. He knew he could use me for money. So maybe just maybe that little part of him that still has some decency left decided to letting me go was the right thing to do. Maybe he could see a change in me how ever slight, I was using language he had heard in rehab, he would pull me up for it. Saying why you using that term? We are not in groups now!  And I would say but yes I am though I am still in my fellowship even if you are not. I am putting in to practice what I have learnt or at least trying to. Maybe he knew this time it wouldn’t be as easy. He would have to work a little bit harder to get his money. That he knew I didn’t want to live in a life of addiction any more. It’s now been 11 days since he last phoned. My mobile is still blocked to him. He can call the house phone at the moment, but I am thinking of getting a bar on that too. Maybe I am not ready to cut my ties completly? Maybe I like the thought of him wanting me, even if it’s just for money, just to have a bit of a verbal sparring match to see who wins? But if I am thinking like that then he has won. 

So there you have it. What brought me here. I think my posts will be fewer now. I will read back and see if I have missed anything significant. No doubt I will remember something I haven’t told you. If I continue to write it will now be about my journey, through the steps. I might revisit things and analyse what I have done. What I would do differently. Maybe I will look at the impact on me. 

When you live in the chaotic world of addiction, you can’t see much. My life became second place, no probably even further down than that.  I am not anti drugs. I think some people can use them safely like drink. But some people can’t. Addiction any addiction creeps up slowly. You don’t even know it’s happening. My life had become unmanageable. I should be happy that I am free of that. But I doesn’t stop me loving the man I met. I know that I will never see that man again. I wish I could. Maybe one day he will make the break for real. All I ever wanted was that man back. That’s why I held out time after time, lie after lie, broken promise after broken promise, I understood it was the drugs that made him behave like this. I believed in him. I believed he wanted to be free, to be the man I had met. Addiction killed us both. The fun loving people we were eroded away. We became obsessed with money ( or at least lack of it) getting the next bag, me finding ways to restrict his usage him trying to find a new believable lie to get more money from me. We existed we didn’t live. He said once because I didn’t want him grafting it was the longest he had stayed out of prison and on the drugs. He said he usually had a bit of a break from it if he went to jail.  He said his life of crime was over, that he wanted a good life with me. He thanked me for keeping him out of jail. He said he wanted us to be together which is why he didn’t go out grafting unless he really had to. We tried to live we tried to be normal do normal couple things at the weekends, go on holidays. We did. I don’t know how ill he was when we were away, he said the meth held him. And we sometimes had fun. I will hang on to the good times we had, because although there weren’t many when we were away from accessing drugs we did have a good time together. I don’t know if he really loved me. But if he didn’t then maybe he should go into acting because he played a very good part. Maybe he was just grateful….but for now let me believe he did love me even if it was only for a little while. This is now getting emotional for me so I will stop. Thank you for reading. 

Karen x 

Self improvement 

self improvement takes many forms. Physical spiritual emotional educational….through my programme I am learning the spiritual side. I struggle. I have never been a big believer in God. I know my HP doesn’t have to be God, addiction doesn’t discriminate, religious beliefs play no part. So what do I believe in I wonder? Give my self over to my HP? Mmmm until I know what that is I don’t think I can. That is a work in progress for sure! 

Since stopping smoking a year last October and since living by myself and having money to eat I have put weight on. He used to laugh about us being on the Cracktins diet. I wasn’t but had no money for food so lost about 2 stone. That has gone back on and some extra. I don’t like being at this weight, but I comfort ate and had been drinking most nights, not getting drunk but a couple of glasses of wine or a couple of beers, and because my excerise regime has been zero couldn’t carry on without it having an effect. So the drinking stopped, for the most part, unless I am with company at the weekends and today I joined weight watchers, I think it’s about control! No I know it’s about control. If I am not happy about how I look then I don’t care about myself. It affects my mental wellbeing I get depressed, more depressed. So summer is coming and I am not going to be a big fat blob sat under a kaftan! I might not be young but I can still take care of myself and look my best. I won’t take second best again. For myself or in another.  PMA all the way! 

Have a great weekend keep safe