going to my first fellowship convention today in London! Couldn’t afford the train last year but was lucky enough to get some vouchers from the train comp. for a train I was delayed on so kept them for today. I know my progress is slow thro my step work, because I am struggling to understand how to make the changes because I don’t really understand what I have to change. Well I do but find it difficult to put the theory into practice. I struggle to recognise the difference between guinuine behaviour and addictive behaviour so therefore struggle to react to it in the right way. I suppose because regardless of who you are I take you on face value. I don’t sit back and think why has someone said that?what do they mean? what do they really want? After the fact if it has impacted on me in a negative way I might think why did they do that or why can’t I see the harm they mean to do to me. Or even why do I continually believe what someone says – even if I don’t believe it will do certain behaviours because it’s the easier option. I suppose compared to a year ago I have come on, I understand that addiction is a disease, ( always did) I understand that an addict will say or do anything to get their fix. I understand that I was very ill too and thought that I could control the addict restrict his usage by not giving in to his demands for money. I have learnt that it doesn’t matter what I do only he can stop using IF he wants a life free of active addiction. I have also learnt tho I need Boundaries that these boundaries can change over time. That it’s not my place to be/do everything for the addict, I can care but not be the caretaker! I have to focus on me but find that hard. I still am very much the fixer, make it alright, be the one that makes it happen! But I am also very passive in my journey sort of expecting it to happen, for the theory to some how miraculously spring forth from me! Well it won’t I have to do the work. I am hoping that today will give me inspiration. Our journeys are not easy but to reclaim the life I had and want back I have to change more. Progress as I say for me is slow but there is progress and for that I am grateful for the fellowship and should be proud of the steps I have made and achieved so far.
Ok it’s been a while. Was letting the dust settle and respecting K wishes about not broadcasting his life and business all over the World Wide Web! However I can talk about my life as this is what this blog is about so here’s a brief update on what I have been upto and dealing with!!
I guess most importantly I now have a new love in my life! Jet! My new puppy, she is naughty and bites and chews a lot but is adorable. She’s clever and learns fast – when it suits her. She is full of energy so my routine is now taken up with far more walking than before, which isn’t a bad thing I suppose and will help with the weight loss.
I have discovered a few bad things about myself that I am not proud of. Red wine and hang ups don’t work well together. K and I have had some pretty spectacular rows mainly over my inability to trust him. This came to a head about 2 weeks ago when he was at mine. We had been out for the day and on the way back I made some sarcastic comment about his FB profile which still had the lovely Leeza’s and his photo as his profile pic. It ended up with us having a screaming match which was just totally over the top but it seems I hold onto resentments deeper than I thought. His sister actually raised the issue ( not blaming her btw) she said that she was glad K and I were back together but had panicked when she saw her photo on his profile and said Karen cant like it K’s response was well karen can’t see it!! The whole thing escalated as apparently Leeza haad access to his FB profile ( password) so had logged into his account and read the messages that his sister had posted she then messages me and his sister and it all got very messy! But in some ways I was glad it happened cos now she is well and truly out of the picture and shown herself up in a big way to his family and to him. I ignored her request for me to phone her as even if she did have something to tell me at the end of the day she was just trying to make trouble for us all.
Trust is always going to be something I will struggle with. Ultimately what K chooses to do with his body is his business not mine, that is the one thing I have learnt thro my programme. HOWEVER bring it to my door or ask me to fund it makes it my business and that is not something I want to do. Also when it becomes my business I have every right to discuss it on here or with my friends ( just saying!)
Sometimes it’s hard to keep quiet. I have tho trying to respect his wishes as he thinks if I post on here it’s about him. I wish I could explain to him it’s not him but the effect it has on me. My mental health. Sometimes when he is using ( and it is very much less than before) he can’t think like a normal person. He can’t see the impact his behaviour has on others, addicts become very tunnel visioned in that state. When you don’t live that life style it is very hard to understand the logic because there isn’t any logic! It’s a life of chaos.
I am keeping a distance emotionally from him. He is now on a methadone reduction programme with the aim of detox, I only mention this ( not to broadcast your business K) because I don’t know whether he will stay in the area once he is off the methadone. He still has his flat in Mac and so I am mindful that he could up and leave once he has had the treatment he wants but wouldn’t be able to get at home. I don’t want to give myself up emotionally again to be kicked to the kerb the minute he is clean, like last time. He says he wants to be with me but i am not seeing it or feeling it. The FB thing. He has now changed his profile pic and chose a photo of him with his mum. He’s not showing me off to the world! Again his choice but he doesn’t seem to see how that might effect me. Because he doesn’t want people knowing we are together as such I don’t post things on my profile/wall about him. It’s like we are just friends, So I tread with caution. Once he is off the Meth nothing is keeping him here. Then we can sit down and I can ask what he wants from me. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t love me for me, isn’t proud to show me off, life is too short to waste it with someone that doesn’t love me only what I can provide. That sounds harsh, I like him you know? He is good company but I have company with Jet! I don’t need him I would like him in my life – I like a challenge lol On the whole we get on, I don’t like being so guarded but have to be. We can be friends ( not much more to be honest as he is using) but he doesn’t want me to see anyone else. Said it wouldn’t be right. When I think back over the last 3 years and think of the madness I have lived thro I wonder why I did it. Love of course, addiction yes my addiction with trying to keep an addict from using and killing them selves! The whole thing around wanting to see something thro but on my terms not the addicts terms. The chance of normality with the man I met? Very probably. I have come along way in the last 3 years. Have seen things and done things I haven’t liked. Became self obsessed no obsessed with his addiction, that carrot of detox and rehab dangling just out of reach, that promise of normality!
If you meet an addict and fall for them ( I didn’t know that relapse was an option!) read this blog from start to finish. See and understand the potential pain and heart ache you could endure. Of course not all relapse, but don’t be lulled into thinking it can never happen, it does, again and again! it’s painful to see a loved one potentially killing them selves. That doesn’t stop you from caring about the person underneath the addiction. I hate the drugs that pull him again and again I hate addiction but I care for him. I hate what he becomes the lies that are told the promised that are never fulfilled. I am grateful for NAR-ANON to give me the strength to distance myself and ground myself. It’s hard, when someone is pleading with you saying how ill they feel and tomorrow they promise they will give you the money back to say NO again and again and not give in. I will be honest with you. I don’t always succeed! Sometimes when you just want to go to bed and get rid of them you will cave in, so you can get a good nights sleep. But of course that is what the addict wants, they will play on knowing you well enough to know your habits. Maybe they will encourage you to have a couple of beers with them, as it’s harder to say no when you have had a drink? It’s hard work trying to stay 2 steps ahead all the time. I have been told by him and within The fellowship that we over analyse things. Maybe I do, when i was living with some one in active addiction you do, too many what if’s… I am learning to detach with love. That doesn’t mean I don’t care, but it’s about not making it my business, not stressing about what he is doing if it doesn’t affect me. Talk about reprogramming! Natural born worrier me! So there you go! You don’t need all the details of my day to day dealings. I am still here still learning and now will probably post more about me taking the spot light off him and put it on me! Don’t get me wrong there is still drama in my life that I could do without!! He isn’t good all the time and drives me insane, but I am good to my word and said I wouldn’t ‘gossip’ about him only me! Thanks for reading x