looking back through my journey even up to recent events I am understanding that much of what was holding me back (apart from me and wanting to keep K happy) was also the manipulation he worked over me. Even as recently as a couple of weeks ago he was still controlling what I did and who I saw. Up until the point when he said he would move up to mine and once again let me down by disappearing he probably did have a lot of control over me. I thought we had turned a corner I believed he wanted to start again and a new life. As I have said he had moved up to where I live. But I wonder why…I told him I had planned to meet someone within a week he had moved up saying he didn’t want me to see anyone else. Does he love me? I don’t know. Do I love him? I don’t know. When you have had a close intense relationship with someone and that you love(d) to have that taken away if you still love that person and they infere they want to be back with u then love takes over and you (I) go back to give it another try. But after the last betrayal I thought no that is it. Now he is here, around and do I want him back??? I am not sure I do. He is doing well. But in reality he stopped me from meeting up with someone. I don’t know where that would have gone probably not far – but now I won’t know. He knows his life with me is going to be far better than without me…that’s not me saying ain’t i great it’s me saying i know for an addict not having to worry about the bottom layer of Maslows hierarchy of need is probably a great incentive to be with someone. Maybe because I am away from home I can sit back and take stock of what is happening a couple of phone calls from him is easy to deal with. I can be friendly I can be supportive. So my title is jealously why? Well I have to ask myself does he love me and was jealous that I might meet another man? OR is that just he doesn’t want me to be not available to him? Honestly? I think the later. Yet every time I think the worse he proves me wrong. Maybe I should change my title tag to trust or at the best distrust!
Just checking in really things have moved on since my last post. K moved up to the area that I live. His script is up here I have seen him. We talk most days. Not sure where it’s going if anywhere. I know I don’t want addiction in my life. Or at least I don’t want to enable his addiction. That much I am certain of. If he chooses to use that is his choice not mine, but I don’t have to be part of that process. I am away at the moment. In some ways that easier. I only seem to get stressed if he try’s to get money from me. To be fair he’s only asked a couple of times. But I struggle to say no. Well no I don’t struggle to say no I struggle with getting him to accept when I say no I mean no! But those of you that know what it’s like when you need a fix you will say and do anything to get it. So I get the usual chat…the swearing on everyone’s lives that it will be the last time that he will give me the money back that he hasn’t asked for ages blah blah blah. Once this court case is out the way and I go home it will be harder of course. Being in London some how makes it easier. But thought I should check in and update you all. My journey has been made easier with your comments and support. I guess it will continue to be so, I hope so. How do you have a meaningful relationship with an addict? I don’t think you can. He is trying so hard to remove himself from what is a negative environment. He says he wants a ‘normal’ life with me but do I want to go through life always waiting for relapse? I think after the last post I had time to think. It is hard to put it into words I am surprised he moved away from where he was. It shows he is good to his word to a degree. It sounds as tho he is trying to get his life on track and for that I am pleased for him. Maybe reinstating friendships he had up here when we first met, those that have succeeded might help him on his recovery. Time will tell. But now back to my recovery.