Starting again 

Sometimes barriers are put in our way so we have to rethink our path. I lost my sponsor and was unsure whether to ask the person I want to ask as a replacement as I knew she had a couple of other sponsees on the go, and didn’t want to ‘bother’ her. So I approached someone else just to get me thro the next 3 steps ( as was suggested by my old sponsor) this person has now decided she doesn’t want to and so I was left with no one. Then I remembered what it says in the program about caretaking! If I assume that I’m helping by not asking then not only am I blocking my own recovery but I’m not allowing the person to make the choice for themselves. So I asked. The answer was yes. But she wants me to start over. Back to step 1. I understand the reason for that, and of course my impatience for getting on and doing it kicked in but now I’m grateful. I am actually excited to go back and start again, it’s been a long time since I started with step one so I’m actually excited to see how my answers have changed, how my understanding has changed. 

We admitted that we are powerless over the addict, our lives lives had become unmanageable. 

Some thoughts & thanks on my journey

I am still overwhelmed by my programme and the other 12 step programmes people follow. No not overwhelmed humbled. I have met a few addicts on my journey especially on my blog. Some struggling some in recovery. The one thing that stands out is those following the 12 steps willingly give their time to support others. Giving service is part of the 12 steps. Helping others. Not saving not enabling but sharing our strength and hope so that they might recover too. One blog I follow is by a recovering addict. He has done so well he shares openly and I see so much of K in his posts it gives me hope that maybe one day he too will come to realise there is another way. The programme works. But you have to work it. It doesn’t just magically happen. We have to change our thinking we have to change years of habits, mindsets, we have to learn to live a different way of life. A different way to live. I had been resistant for a long time it was only when i gave my will over to a God of my understanding that I could start my programme with vigour. As I said in a previous post we are not born bad but are moulded by the environment around us. We are all dependent on what happens to us though life and whether we have the tools to deal with that. Today I am grateful for my fellowship, for coming to WordPress and meeting some great people, for following your journeys, the good times and the bad, I am grateful there is always hope – for all of us.

This was a small reminder this morning that even in the storms we endure in life there is always some beauty x

New year resolutions

I made a few half hearted attempts at resolutions this year, I don’t mean choosing things I can’t or won’t achieve but the things I chose are just things I already do or wanted to do. Write my blog more often do my 12 steps with a bit more conviction and put it into practice! Give up drinking ( as much!) so here we go, the blog! The drinking yep that’s under control nothing for 8 days was planning on a dry January but had already arranged last year to meet up with a mate at the end of the month so will have one night on then do the rest of the month. Yes I am cracking on with my step work but as I said in my last post some of the questions are deep concepts. I don’t go into these resolutions that are going to change the world if I want to join a gym I can join it in December not the new year. I remember the last time I stopped smoking that was October 2013 – I had stopped before for 6 years then started again so had been toying with the idea for 4 years so when the mind was made up it happened – midnight 31/12/2015 is the wrong time in my mind or worse 1/1/2016 when there is a good chance too much alcohol or what ever has been consumed to be making life changing decisions – if it needs changing or improving do it when it needs to be done. Ok rant over – if you made resolutions good luck with them it’s not for me to pass judgement when or if you make or follow them. I just think for me it’s about doing things when they need to be done, my journey is about making me a more rounded spiritual person, to let go and let God not to interfere with the addicts life. That’s a pretty big thing in itself so no I have no time for daft resolutions that are forgotten after a couple of weeks, I guess what I am planning to do aren’t even half hearted they are pretty life changing!

where am I?

Since joining my fellowship I have learnt that I can’t do the steps in 12 days 12 months even who knows 12 years! I wanted quick fix answers to a problem that I thought was mine to fix! Then I came to understand that actually it wasn’t mine to fix and i couldn’t fix it even if I knew how to. Giving it over to my HP meant I could actually focus on things i could fix – me!

when I started the work I never thought I would ever get my head around it, but what kept me coming back was hearing others sharing their experiences strength and hope and thought if it works for them maybe it could work for me too? And now? Well it’s me sharing my experience of how I have changed my focus, set my boundaries ( which still get bent at times!) and have given the job of fixing to a power greater than me. Sometimes I read a blog that I follow and think wow yes I can totally relate to that! It might be from a recovering addict a using addict, and I think you know what? our situations aren’t all that different, we might be on opposite sides of the addiction spectrum in as much as I was focusing on the affect living with someone else’s addiction as apposed to fighting the/living in addiction but we are all fighting every day to follow a new way of life, putting our trust in a higher power and hopefully getting strength and hope from our fellowships and the love we receive there.

I am going to try to find more time to start writing again, not to gossip about what is going on in my life right now with my qualifier (K) but to put the spotlight on me again to look at what I achieved.. Time will tell I guess!

Bringing the story up to speed….

i am aware that I have tended to jump about abit it wasn’t my intention as I have said before I had meant to start at the beginning and work my way thro. I didn’t think I would still have contact, when I started, I thought this will be a great way of helping me put it to sleep, a record of what happened and had then hoped to start on my journey through the the 12 steps, maybe just voicing the problems I was encountering and it more becoming a diary. I thought by now I would be telling you all about boring life stuff! So I am now going to try really hard to stay focused and catch up with events as they happened not as they are happening! I will hold off that until I catch up, then it can be an as it happens blog.

So he came back to mine with the promise of a home detox. The first day he stayed in bed slept most the day and night, or at least was sleeping when I checked on him. I thought well maybe just maybe this time he is going for it, but reminded my self that this was only the first day we had done this before! He ate some food but said he was feeling ill, but I didn’t expect anything else. He had looked shocking lost loads of weight. This was different from before. At least when we had been together he had the meth, that held off the worse of the rattle starting he could manage a couple of days before it kicked in. But this time all he had was some medication from the doctors, I didnt probe what they were, he was always very Cagey about talking about stuff, probably cos he was lying!

The next day he asked if we could go out. I was surprised I didn’t think he would be up to it. Where you want to go?

Dont mind love you decide just want to get out the house before you go back to work tomorrow…

ok Blackpool?

Yeah

ok well you know it’s the week before pay day so I haven’t got loads of money so don’t want me to be buying beer and meals out!

No love that’s fine just be nice to see the sea! Have missed us going out places.

yeah me too!

I don’t really go places with out a reason when I am alone. I will go somewhere if I have a purpose but don’t just take myself off. I used to when I had the dogs used to go somewhere nice for a walk but don’t really have the motivation when I am alone.

So we have a brew and off we go. As we are getting close to the turn off for Blackpool he says I am not feeling well….

oh you want to go home?

No but do you think there is any chance I could go and get a thing , please love you know I don’t like asking but I feel really ill, and then we could go to Blackpool and have a good time.

No I can’t afford for you to buy drugs and then go to Blackpool it’s one or the other….

i am really ill it’s no further than Blackpool you won’t be using any more fuel,

K it’s and extra 60 mile round trip to macclesfield…

Not to Bolton….

Bolton? You want me to go to Bolton? Where she lives!

Come on love I can get sorted really quick then we can get something to eat later….

In my head I am screaming NO no I don’t want to pay for your drugs but what can I do? You’re  here in my car why do you always get me into this situation where I feel as though I can’t get out of it with out giving in? Why when  the last thing I want to do is enable you you make it so difficult not to? I am trying to give you reader an understanding of what it’s like for me. When this happens. There was no point in going to Blackpool he would just sulk and say he felt ill and not get out the car…. I could go home but then what I would have him in the house rattling, he gets moody and snappy I don’t want that. I can’t afford to go to macclesfield and back home then back to macclesfield. My head was spinning….  Ok ok I will take you to Bolton,

aw thanks love! 😄

we go to Bolton he makes a few calls and I go to the bank take out £20. He says I promise I won’t use til we get back to yours.

Ok I say…..thinking I doubt it!

We go up a street and he tells me to wait gets out and waits for the drop on the corner. He disappeared. I think ok here we go I am in for a wait, but after about 10 mins he comes back….I need a chemist.

Ok

I know one ( of course he does!)

the chemist is on a main road there is parking out side he asks if I have any money for a drink says he is thirsty. He goes to the chemist and comes back with a bottle of water and his pins. I start the car. Wait he says….

He gets out his gear and opens the pack from the chemist. He is about to use right in front of me in my car in broad daylight on a high street! I feel sick. But why can’t I say anything? I couldn’t I wanted to cry….he had never done this before. I didn’t know what to do….what if someone came past it might be a Sunday but it was early  afternoon! I looked away I didn’t know what else to do. He cooked up and injected himself….this was a step beyond….he must have been desperate but in front of me? I knew he couldn’t wait he never could but in the car in broad daylight…..disgusted didn’t come close.

we went back home I was furious. We packed up our stuff and put things in the car…can we take the iPad love? Well there isn’t much point I say you will just put it in cash converters! I was laughing when I said it but we both knew it was the truth. I had very little money left to get me through to pay day. I had spent an extra £80 on drugs that I hadn’t really budgeted for in the last week I had to get to birmingham later in the week ( I wasn’t sure how I could afford it but thought I might get the train so I could use the works credit card)!i had a couple of hospital jobs so needed the cash I had for parking. I did actually have about £70 but any more hits for drugs and I would be shafted!

We set off and when we were about 20 miles from Macc  he asked to borrow my phone, he made a couple of calls. Do you think we could go to Congleton? What for? ( as if I didn’t know ) I dont have any more money! Come on love I know you have? I am not well you could help me if you wanted.

I have £12 I need £10 for parking tomorrow….

i know you have more money you’re just making it hard for me…

no I am not I don’t have any more money!

I don’t know why I drove to Congleton but I knew I had to somehow keep him on side, I couldn’t afford to drive home I didn’t want us to fall out I was starting to panic the old feelings of fear creeping back.

What have you got in your purse?

i don’t know have a look….

theres only £12

i told you that

how much have u got in the bank?

I have about 15 but I need it for work….

we had pulled up in front of the coop. Go and get it out on cash back.

no

this isn’t enough – he was getting angry, I need more money you have it go and get it for me I need it now! He was shouting at me I felt scared, I mean really scared I was frightened for the first time that he might hit me, I had never seen him like this before. There was real anger in his eyes I had never seen him look like this before,  They won’t give me anything for this £12 isn’t enough!

No I say, I needed the money I had, I shouldn’t have to justify how I spent my money to him or anyone else. He got out the car slamming the door. In my head I said God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change ( him) to change the things I can ( me) and the wisdom to know the difference ( I can’t help him only myself)

about 15 minutes later he came back….I don’t know if he got what he wanted but he was in a better mood.

We went to the flat, and went to bed. Before we went to sleep he asked what time I was leaving in the morning. About 9:30 well I will have to get up early and do some grafting ( robbing) so I can score if you won’t help me. You do what you have to do. I can’t give you what I haven’t got.

He left early but did make me a brew before he left! I went to work and he called me, babe please I am really ill please help me….

K I cant I cant afford it,

i have been out all morning but can’t get anything I need you to help me….

look you addiction is your business I can’t help you it’s not my job to help you…I was pulling on everything I had read and heard in meetings……I was still scared of him after his outburst the day before, if you want to use that’s fine I can’t stop that but I can choose not to pay for it, I can’t control you or your addiction but I can control what I do….phew I had said it, I felt good but bad at the same time, this was a huge risk if he was only with me for my money this would be the proof… I could loose him for ever….I have to go I say and hang up.

i went to work and  in between jobs I read my SESH book, I came across a page, I opened the book at random….

image

It was a light switch moment… later in the day I phone my sponsor and asked if I could come back and start the steps again Yes of course! I felt so elated! I felt as though once again my HP had shown me the way I was thinking I had at last seen the light…it was making sense! I had done the right thing and my HP had guided me to this reading, to prove it!

I went home after I had finished work, happy my happiness was a little bit tinged with the sadness that he hadn’t called me since I said I couldn’t help. But wasnt really surprised. But after his out bust and how scared I had felt thought I was better off with out that sort of abuse in my life. If that had happened to a friend I would have told them to get out and quick!

When I got in I unpacked the car, and settled down, I went to get my iPad from where I left it and it wasn’t there. I looked around in place it should have been but Couldn’t find it. I was dumbfounded is probably the best word for it. The abuse I had endured the day before? He had taken it and knew he had it all the time? But still thought it was ok to make me feel scared for my safety!!! To shout at me to call me names and be generally abusive and threatening, when he knew he had my iPad in the car all the time! How dare he he had gone too far this time, to steal from me after all the kindness I had shown him, the unconditional love I had given him, and he thought it was alright to steal from me? No this time I would not let it go…he had stolen my phone but because I was still so in love with him and wanted him back I ignored it….I did  something I have never done in my life before that went against everything I actualy believe in but felt this time I had no choice…. I phoned the police and reported it.

19/4/14

I found myself down a side street in Manchester just outside the centre. I found the house easily enough but my heart was racing I felt sick because I knew what he was going to say, and was trying so hard to focus on what I needed to say to him, that I understood that it was hard for him that he did have to be able to stand on his own two feet but we could work together on his recovery. I had been to a few meetings of my own fellowship and thought I understood a bit more about his programme and wanted to explain that I knew what I had done by enabling him was wrong. That we had been living in chaos and denial and that didn’t have to happen in the future. I had started to recognise some of my shortcomings and things that I had done wrong, in the course of the relationship especially towards the end, before he went into detox, I didn’t want this to be all in vain. The pain and suffering that we had shared. I wanted to have a chance at a normal relationship with him when he was sober. I understood that the way we had treated each other was a product of the drug use not of us as a couple. Not who we were, or at least not who I was. I disliked the woman I had become, there was little fun, he had shut me off from my friends, money spent on going out and having a laugh was money not spent on drugs. Money not spent on looking after my appearance was money better spent on drugs. He said I was hung up on money, yes because he had made me that way. Before we met I could go out when I wanted ( ok towards the end of the month I wasn’t rich) I had been use to buying clothes, good quality clothes, shoes because I liked them not cheap £5 shoes from Primark because the shoes I had on were that old my feet were wet, because the soles of the ones I had were down to the cardboard insole. I had a lot of resentment built up and because I was so weak and couldn’t let him down I didn’t outwardly complain, if I did he always came back with some rebuff, you look fine the clothes you have look nice, you don’t need to go out with them people, I will be here by myself, and you don’t want me to get into trouble do you? If I said anything about his drug use and the money, he would just say well I will go out and graft, I thought you didn’t want me getting into trouble with the police? So I always gave in. So yes I had become very passive aggressive. Rather than stand up to him, i was sarcastic, I spoke to him like he was a child that didn’t know better, I snipped, complained about the smallest thing, because I couldn’t say what I really wanted to, which was I don’t want to give you the money I don’t want to live like this, I want my life back…sometimes I did say it but it never changed the drug use, the demands ( which is what they became) for money didn’t stop. So I gave it begrudgingly, and hated this man but still wanted the other man back.
So there I was outside the house that had changed his feeling towards me. The plans that WE had made for the future were slipping away, I didn’t understand it, I didn’t understand enough of what he wanted, or why he didn’t want me in his life any more. Because I think I knew the painful truth was I served no purpose any more, he didn’t need me now he was free from addiction, well in recovery. But I couldn’t even think that subconsciously of course, I must have thought it but right now I didn’t think it not even for one second. How many times had he said to me, all I want is to get off this shit, I hate being like this, we can have a good life together once I am off this stuff. Why wouldn’t I believe it?
So I get out of my car and walk up to the steps of this big Victorian red brick house. I knock on the door. A man opens it, can I help you? Yes I have come to see K. And you are? I didn’t know who I was any more…his girlfriend?? I answer. Oh yeah right, he needs to speak to you right? My head was racing again, does he? What have you lot said to change his feelings so much, in the space of 4 weeks he has gone from loving me to having no room in his life for me, 4 weeks ago in detox he said he loved me….I said nothing, he shouted K visitor….he came. He looked well, his face had filled out again, he had had a proper haircut, he was dressed in clothes I recognised, but he looked good. This was so hard, I still had such strong feelings for him, seeing him like that reminded me of the first time I had met him for a date, I fancied the arse off him! But this time could very possibly be the last time I would see him so I was also filled with immense fear, and a desperation to do anything to keep him. We went to the back of the house, you can’t come in my room he said it wasn’t said in a nice way but really roughly almost as if he was doing me a favour in seeing me at all and I was the last person on earth that he wanted to speak too! I suppose I was! I replied I didn’t expect I could. So we went into the kitchen and he asked if I wanted a brew. Am I going to be here long enough I thought? Yes please. Thanks for coming his voice was less harsh, it’s a long way on your day off. Then he kissed me! Talk about mixed messages…I stepped back a bit unsure what was going on. Now my head really was racing he kissed me? So is everything ok? have I totally misunderstood what he was saying on the phone? We sat down and he tried to make small talk repeating stuff I had already seen on Facebook and he had already told me on the phone, trivial stuff mainly about him! He didn’t ask about me, but that was ok I didn’t want to talk about me, I just wanted to keep myself together to focus on everything he said so I could calmly talk about it if I needed to.
My calmness lasted all of a minute! He repeated what he had said to me on the phone, I tried to take it in he really was saying he couldn’t be with me any more….

Why babe I don’t understand why?

I need to focus on this I can’t if your in my life, I can’t be with you if I am in here….

Yes you said that before but when you are out of here will you come back to me?

I don’t know. I can’t think about the future I have to focus on today I can’t think that far a head, ( this was 12 steps talking not K, I had read enough and knew enough about my programme to understand the language used) maybe we will be I don’t know!

I wasn’t going to make this easy for him, and he wouldn’t just come out with it and say we were finished, it was all maybes, I don’t know…of course I knew what he was saying but I refused to let this go. If he said I don’t want to be with you any more, I am sorry, then I would accept it but all this I don’t know what will happen in the future shit was making it harder and worse, because it was giving me hope that we would get back together. So I said, so that’s it then you don’t want me in your life I have served my purpose and now you have no use for me?
No no that’s not what I am saying but right now I can’t be with you,
so you want me to wait?
I don’t know I don’t know how long I will be in here. I hate it here I want to use its really hard work I haven’t even done my life story yet…..he was half talking to me as normal then would throw I can’t be with you into the conversation. I think I was crying by now everything I had rehearsed in my head had gone, I had wanted to be calm and in control, I wanted to be able to put forward a good reason why we should be together after every thing we had been through we both deserved to see if we could make this work. And if it didn’t then we could go our separate ways. But I couldn’t get the words out, I tried and tried but what ever I did say wasn’t having any impact on him. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me any more. My life and future hopes and dreams were being torn away from me, my heart was breaking, I don’t think I had ever experienced this much pain in my life. But it was mainly because I couldn’t see or understand why. If he had said the way you treated me was horrible and I don’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t have liked it but would have understood. If he had said I don’t love you any more, I would have understood, if he had said I treated you so badly and I am ashamed every time I look at you it will remind me I would have understood. Even if he had said because I am clean and I associate you with taking drugs and might relapse, that would have been something, but no he wanted us to be friends, to part on good terms ( of course that makes it easier for him) he wants us not to be together whilst he is in there. He wants to know that if he is visiting his mum and I am there then I won’t be upset by him being there!
Really?? Do you really expect me to visit your mum if we are not together? I ask him.
Well you get on well.
Yes but she is your mother! I see her because of you! How can me and her be friends I will want to know what you are doing want to know how you are, I can’t sit there having a cup of tea and have you walk in, it will kill me.

This conversation went around in circles for about 2 hours. I was worn out and yet had so much I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words, I had them before I arrived, I don’t know if you have ever experienced that? You want to say something and you knew what you wanted to say but because of upset, panic, pain the words just won’t formulate in your head. I was alive I was breathing I could hear I could speak my body was working it was a beautiful warm day we had sat out in the sun but I was cold my brain was dead, numb and my heart felt like it was torn into a million pieces.
I was only allowed a 2 hour visit – so he said so I had to go. He walked me out to the car, he hugged me so tight and covered my face in kisses I am so sorry he said again and again.
Then why??? But he couldn’t or wouldn’t answer.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
But you have I don’t want to live without you!
I have to go, I am sorry….I still have your iPod, do you want it back?
keep it K, just go.
I get in the car as I drive past, he is on the steps up to the house he waves me good bye, I am crying my life is over.
I believe that this is going to be the last time I see him or have any contact, if it had been I might not be writing this!

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What is this 12 steps?

I was told that the programme he was doing was going to be the 12 steps programme. I had very little understanding of it. So started to do a bit of digging. That was harder than I expected! I didn’t realise it was so closed! But what I was reading I didn’t like the sound of. Higher power? Wtf? Prayers giving your will over to God? No this wasnt going to work at all. No wonder I couldn’t have contact for 3 weeks! They wanted to brain wash him. I was fearful I would be left behind in this process. That I wouldn’t understand what he needed to do what was expected of him, how could I be good support if I couldn’t work with these people? Why wasn’t I allowed to have contact? The questions kept coming, and I couldn’t find answers. Then I found a web site , it was for family members of people living with or affected by someone else’s addiction. At last! There was a forum it was based in the States and called NAR-ANON. here would be the answers to my questions. I joined the forum and started reading posts. The language was alien to me. Phrases being repeated. Thank you for sharing, addicted significant other,  in recovery, qualifier, what did these things mean? I had my man doing the ’12 step programme’ I wanted to know what the 12 steps were. I wanted to know why I couldn’t have contact. I wanted to know how I could help him when he got out, I wanted to understand what he was learning about. But couldn’t get any answers, I asked was told it wasn’t about him it was about me! What the hell were these people talking about? No I don’t think you understand, my boyfriend is in rehab in England, he isn’t allowed contact with me, why? He is doing the 12 steps programme what will he be learning about, I want to help him? We are not here for the addict, we are here for you, keep coming back! Keep coming back??? Yes get to the groups on line groups. What at 2am when I have work in the morning, when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will will attend groups if you want to get better. No you don’t understand, it’s my boyfriend that is in rehab, I don’t need to attend groups, why do I need to attend groups. To discuss your issues how you can get better. Keep coming back.

No this wasn’t working for me, I needed answers. I needed to know what he was learning and what I needed to do to keep him safe in the future. There was nothing wrong with me, God knows  what those Americans were wittering on about! So I looked again there must be something in the UK? Surely? I knew there wasnt much services wise, I had asked the macclesfield drugs services if there was any support for me before, and was told not. So I went on looking. I found NAR-ANON UK. This would be more like it I was thinking , they would understand how services worked in the the UK. They would tell me what he was learning about and how I could help. There was an email address I sent an email. I explained I needed to know what was going on, I needed to know what I needed to learn about so I could help him when he got out. I got a reply within a few hours. I was asked if I wanted to chat on the phone. Yes I said I would. So I got a phone call. The lady I spoke to sounded quite young, but she was full of empathy and enthusiasium! She explained that it was normal for us not to have contact so they the one in rehab focused on what they had to do, but suggested I called them and see how he was getting on. Why didn’t I think of that!

I called and eventually got to speak to someone in the centre that K was in. The worker was a bit shady, he said he didn’t know K but would pass my message to his key worker who would call me back and let me know how he was getting on. 2 days passed no word. A lot of things were happening at the same time around now. I should also say that this was all in the first 3 or 4 days of him being there!

I was in the flat and my mobile rang. It was a mobile number but not one I knew. Hello? Hi! Omg I didn’t think you could call, I got a phone, what?? Are you mad? I thought you would be pleased, I thought you would be worried not being able to talk to me, yes of course love but if you get caught….I won’t get caught will I! He was really pissed off with  me for not being pleased he had got a phone, how did you get it? Bought it from the shop. How? Errr I went to the shop and bought it, how? All I could think of was how could he have gone to the shops with staff and managed to buy a phone, it didn’t make sense, he wasn’t making sense. I went to the shops on my way back from a group and bought it, no still didn’t make sense, don’t you have to be with staff? No, I am in a house we have to go to groups in Stockport and Manchester, it’s costing me a fortune in bus fares. This was worrying me, he was allowed to just wander about without staff?? What was going on here? I have to go…ok thanks for calling. I was shell shocked! What was going on? When he had been in Lancaster he had been allowed out but everything was done in the centre. They had their treatment food slept there everything. I was told I couldn’t have contact for 3 weeks but he was allowed to go out un supervised, in a area he used to live and score drugs really was this for real?

I was stressing about him having the phone, I was stressing about him being able to go out without supervision I was stressing about him being cross with me because I wasn’t pleased he had a phone! I was of course but I was starting to understand why they didn’t want them to have contact, it distracted from their programme ( what ever that was) plus I didn’t want him to get found with the phone he would be thrown out. I texted him and said I was pleased he had called but was worried of the consiquences if he got found out. He didn’t text back.

I didnt know how sick I was I still didn’t realise that this was as much about me as it was him. I still didn’t know that I was in need of the 12 steps programme as much as he was. But I was sick I was so sick I couldn’t even be happy that he had put himself and his future at risk to call me because he cared about me, all I could see was the negatives, I was starting to loose him and I couldn’t see it, whilst he was free of the substances that had fogged his brain, I couldn’t see he was getting better, all I could see was the bad. I couldn’t see how I was now pushing him away by not celebrating what he had achieved. All I thought was I was right, and because of my illness couldn’t accept that I might be wrong about any of it. After all I wasn’t  the addict was I? I knew what was right for him what he should do or shouldn’t do! Oh I was so ill. But sadly didn’t even know I was.