Recovery is a long journey! 

Ok I have been lucky in my recovery I gave met some great people…people that don’t mind sharing their story with me and where they get their inspiration and wisdom from. For those of us in recovery the bane Melodie Beattie will be familiar. I am working on my co- dependency issues and her books are more than helpful. It’s like when i read her works the words jump out and slap me! It’s like YES!!! That’s it!! Today I downloaded ‘the Language of Letting Go’ if you haven’t read it get it! Especially if you are in recovery. OMgosh it’s just so readable and relevant. ( of course as are all her text!) that’s it but guessing I am really going to spring forward with this now! So far it has affirmed I have now been doing the right thing ! I if its not ggot my name on it walk away. Others drama is not my drama. To remove myself and detach with love I have to hang to  that  thought! 

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Minding my own business 

mmm I have met some cool people on here, some honest people, some troubled people, and some fucking screwy do your head in people! I have had support, encouragement, honest comments that I might not agree with but accepted the writers view. If I follow your blog I sometimes post a reply if it has some how touched my heart, if people follow me I have a look see to see what you’re writing if it interests me I follow, if I don’t follow you but you write a reply I usually answer. I know what it feels like to feel inadequate low self esteem, little confidence and self worth. I am working on it! My fellowship is helping and I am getting better and in recovery. 

So what am I whittling on about? What I am actually thinking is that I need to mind my own business. It didn’t have my name on it but I jumped right in there! Granted not like I have in the past. Just shared a bit of my fellowship’s wisdom my experiences strength and hope as others have with me. 

Ok here’s the low down some one started following my blog we started exchanging comments and replies, started building what I thought was trust supporting each other then bam! She cuts me off not just me everyone makes her blog private, cuts off the support and love she was getting from us blogging community. Her choice of course – a drinker tho so maybe that had something to do with it? Maybe she’s reading this? If you are whilst i understand it’s your right to publish or not and its good that you are taking your life back out into the community and going to make ‘real’ friends that’s healthy. But I felt a bit hurt that you started to build up trust with people ( me) and then gone! In my honest opinion that’s just fucked up. But once again maybe that says more about me. 

Just getting this out here so I can park it and move on. 

What have I learnt? – I need to mind my own business, stop identifying with addicts/needy people and trying to be ‘nice’ to them, making them feel good about themselves and focus on me and make me feel good about myself without ‘helping’ others. 

  

Boundaries or ultimatums? 

Been a bit quiet on here for a few days. Just getting on with thinking reflecting on comments made on my last post ( thank you for your comments) looking at my motivations and how it all fits with my step work and my future. 

My visit was actually useful. It opened the door for us both to start talking about our hope and fears. It’s not easy in the visiting hall to have a decent conversation, kids running around loads of noise but we tried. It’s not easy for either of us right now. He’s not so well with his methadone reduction but sticking at it and so wants to come out clean. I hope he does for his own sake. I sometimes forget how sensitive he is now becoming as his own senses start kicking in. But won’t use that as an excuse if he doesn’t like something I say that is his view point and is valid as is mine. One thing I do know is if I say something he doesn’t like he try’s to make it as if I am critisising him or telling him what he should do. Maybe that’s just a defence mechanism? Maybe I don’t explain things as well as I think I do?  Before the visit I wrote a letter explaining what I thought was acceptable to me – should we have a future together. I am not naive he is an addict. Relapse is a real probability. Because of the chance of recall I wanted him to be very clear of what my boundaries are, then if he doesn’t think he can do it or live  by them he can make alternative arrangements. I was accused of making ultimatums. I just calmly said I am not making ultimatums I am not telling you what you have to do I am saying for my own happiness and sanity there can not be drugs in my house and I will not enable you. I am not saying you can’t use drugs because I have no right to tell you what to do with your life. I have no control over you only my own life. But if you want to be part of mine these are my rules. Is that fair do you think? Well it doesn’t matter – it’s what I have to do. Fair or not. Maybe he will come to understand that. It’s hard when you care about an addict. They don’t mean to do bad stuff it just is a symptom of the disease. We talked a bit about the fact he likes taking drugs but doesn’t like what it does to him and where he ends up. ( personally I think he’s still very much in denial making that comment) He even says if he relapsed he would drop out of my life again. I told him I found that too difficult just disappearing because he thinks that saves me from hurt. I told him that it’s worse not knowing if he’s dead or alive it’s more hurtful and painful not knowing than thinking of him using. I was careful not to give mixed messages but if he lapsed as apposed to relapsed I would sooner work with him and help him to find somewhere safe to stay than him on the run and on the rob again. But have to be mindful that it’s not my place to do things for him just to be.

We still have much to discuss.  

 I am grateful for my programme and my fellowship. I am grateful for my group and the wisdom and experience they have shared with me to help me understand how I have had to change. I am grateful for finding a power greater than me that I am learning to put my trust in. I am no longer responsible for anyone but myself ( and my dog!) I am learning to let go and let God. 

Truth or manipulation? 

Today I came home to a letter from K. I knew he had written it of course he told me he had. It was in response to my letter the one that said I will support you and care for you but I don’t want to be your landlady mate friend I want to be with you in a relationship and I want you clean. If you can’t or don’t want that then we can go no further. His response went along the lines needed to decide what I wanted to do, that if I didn’t want to be with him needed to say so so he could talk to the resettlement officer. That he couldn’t be the image that I had of him in my head???

All I would like is for him to love me for me, to want to be with me, not for my money, my home, to want to be with me for me.

I have an image in my head  in fact it’s not a good one but he probably doesn’t know that. The image I have is of an addict, that has used me over and over,  has manipulated me had made me believe he loves me and used that to his advantage. But I still hang onto the fact we met when he wasn’t using we had fun we were a couple and loved up at that! Even when he was using he still treated me with love and respect for a while! Of course as he pushed what was acceptable and manipulated my love for him his respect diminished I never said no I enabled his habit made it easy gave him money fed him loved him he wanted for very little. The more I gave the closeness between us diminished, so I gave more hoping he would love me again….codependency at its best!

I will get answers at the weekend maybe. Of course he’s trying to get off the methadone right now so he’s clean when he comes out he’s got 11 weeks and 11 mls to get off. Unless u have been on methadone you won’t understand how hard and painful that is. He is ill he feels like shit and I totally understand when he says he can’t deal with my feelings right now. But there’s never a good time when he’s coming off methadone,  but equally there’s no point in him getting out without me voicing my worries now and it not working when he does gets out because 1 he had no  idea of my thoughts and feelings or 2 that if I didn’t say anything and we argued because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. With the chance of recall to prison if the police got involved 😔 ( which has happened when we fall out!)

Maybe I am too wrapped up in my own wants to see what he is doing or needs? Maybe I am basing my mistrust on the way he has treated me in the past maybe I have seen him come out of jail and the first thing he want to do is score and if he is addressed at mine he has me prisoner again if that is what he does when he gets out this time – well my alternative is call the police and he’s recalled for 17 months…is that what he’s thinking is he gambolling that I won’t call the police if he relapses? To be fair I am not sure he is, he is saying if I don’t want him here to stay here to say  so, so he can find somewhere else, he doesn’t want to go back to jail he says he wants to be with me….but for the right reasons??? Sorry reader I am just putting down my thoughts as they are in my head at the moment so I can read them back tomorrow and try to make some sense of it all before my next visit! Thanks for reading – feel free to comment it helps me no end!

Goodbye Ziggy 

So another legend passes away. It was what I woke up to this morning. Of course I didn’t know him but had been to his shows  bought his music probably was a bit obsessive over him at one point. I suppose I have always been attracted to the unusual – the unconventional. Maybe that’s why I am now where I am. I don’t do boring, I don’t like the 2.4 children nuclear family maybe I should have maybe I would have grown up? I am not saying there’s anything wrong with being unconventional I think it’s good to be different. Something with a bit of an edge keeps me on my toes. But now I am getting tired. I want happy but not boring. Maybe I get a kick out of being with someone a bit more edgy than me? When I lived in the chaos of addiction I was exhausted I didn’t realise how infected and ill I had become. I was often scared scared that we would get caught by the police when scoring, scared he would OD, scared that I didn’t have the money we needed, scared he would get arrested. He got arrested I didn’t have enough money we got stopped by the police he even took something one day that he found and was so sick it was madness! I have documented all of this in my blog earlier so won’t repeat it. All my fears came true, it didn’t stop him from using it didn’t make me see the light and get help for myself, but now I thank my HP that I found my fellowship, that my HP guided me to it, that I can now address my issues let go of things are not mine to worry about. Today I am grateful for my fellowship and programme ( still stuck on my step but meeting my sponsor on Thursday ) but I am also thankful that for 69 years David Robert Jones was alive and shared his talent with us. Rest in Peace. Your music was genius

Actually just an after thought he was the king of reinvention constantly changing into something new more progressive I guess proof that if we want to change it is possible 😊

Some thoughts & thanks on my journey

I am still overwhelmed by my programme and the other 12 step programmes people follow. No not overwhelmed humbled. I have met a few addicts on my journey especially on my blog. Some struggling some in recovery. The one thing that stands out is those following the 12 steps willingly give their time to support others. Giving service is part of the 12 steps. Helping others. Not saving not enabling but sharing our strength and hope so that they might recover too. One blog I follow is by a recovering addict. He has done so well he shares openly and I see so much of K in his posts it gives me hope that maybe one day he too will come to realise there is another way. The programme works. But you have to work it. It doesn’t just magically happen. We have to change our thinking we have to change years of habits, mindsets, we have to learn to live a different way of life. A different way to live. I had been resistant for a long time it was only when i gave my will over to a God of my understanding that I could start my programme with vigour. As I said in a previous post we are not born bad but are moulded by the environment around us. We are all dependent on what happens to us though life and whether we have the tools to deal with that. Today I am grateful for my fellowship, for coming to WordPress and meeting some great people, for following your journeys, the good times and the bad, I am grateful there is always hope – for all of us.

This was a small reminder this morning that even in the storms we endure in life there is always some beauty x

New year resolutions

I made a few half hearted attempts at resolutions this year, I don’t mean choosing things I can’t or won’t achieve but the things I chose are just things I already do or wanted to do. Write my blog more often do my 12 steps with a bit more conviction and put it into practice! Give up drinking ( as much!) so here we go, the blog! The drinking yep that’s under control nothing for 8 days was planning on a dry January but had already arranged last year to meet up with a mate at the end of the month so will have one night on then do the rest of the month. Yes I am cracking on with my step work but as I said in my last post some of the questions are deep concepts. I don’t go into these resolutions that are going to change the world if I want to join a gym I can join it in December not the new year. I remember the last time I stopped smoking that was October 2013 – I had stopped before for 6 years then started again so had been toying with the idea for 4 years so when the mind was made up it happened – midnight 31/12/2015 is the wrong time in my mind or worse 1/1/2016 when there is a good chance too much alcohol or what ever has been consumed to be making life changing decisions – if it needs changing or improving do it when it needs to be done. Ok rant over – if you made resolutions good luck with them it’s not for me to pass judgement when or if you make or follow them. I just think for me it’s about doing things when they need to be done, my journey is about making me a more rounded spiritual person, to let go and let God not to interfere with the addicts life. That’s a pretty big thing in itself so no I have no time for daft resolutions that are forgotten after a couple of weeks, I guess what I am planning to do aren’t even half hearted they are pretty life changing!

Relapse and control. 

Sometimes I wish I could put into words what is going on in my head, my thought processes aren’t linear they are like spider diagrams with a word in the middle and thought association bubbles all around it. Like now I am trying to do one of the steps, I have 36 questions to answer! Not easy questions either here’s a couple

What have I done to interfere with a higher powers involvement in my life?

Am I learning what recovery and serenity can mean to me? – explain

When my thought patterns are jumbled how can I make any sense of it all?

I want peace and serenity in my life, I want to be able not to react to problems but think them through.

A year ago my trust was destroyed yet again, this time last year I was trying to hold it together. Again. It was one of his great disappearing acts He had gone missing before but never more than 12 hours, even when arrested he eventually got in contact. If I am honest with myself I loved the drama, but now I am just too tired for it all again. It’s around this time last year I came back to my fellowship, to start working on me. To stop the treadmill of chaos and drama and to find that peace and serenity I longed for. Maybe I still wasn’t ready? Maybe my ego /selfwill was  still not ready to give my self over to something I could not tangibly see or believe in – this Higher Power. I used the term even back then but didn’t really understand what it was. I had had moments when my HP had desperately tried to show me itself, but I knew better. I could make the same wrong choices over and over expecting a different outcome! Been said before and I will say it again, that is the insanity of addiction!

It is suggested that we live for today this day only, to stop projections to a future that hasn’t come yet, but I struggle with that. To keep myself safe I can’t live in a bubble of ‘just for today’. I have to think what if… Because I need to be prepared. I need to know how to react if it all goes wrong. How I react. Not what I think he should do. What I want. If I don’t know that how can I have boundaries? It’s not about saying you can’t to this you can’t do that, it’s about me saying if you choose to do that I want no part of it. These are my rules. It’s not control its self worth I think? It’s putting in place things to stop me relapsing if the addict relapses.

It’s about me being supportive emotionally but not being sucked dry, it’s about give and take equally, but as importantly not pacifying him because I am scared of loosing him. He’s not mine to loose. He will make his choices and I will make mine. If I don’t want to live in chaos and insanity then I have to let go and let God. Believe my HP will look after me and his will him.

This post was triggered by a few things, 1 this bloody step I am trying to get thro, 2 the time of year it is with all its associated memories and 3 he just called me!

I tried to explain all of this and was met with hostility and vague threats ( in his mind) that he wouldn’t see me when he got out. I calmly said that if he doesn’t want to follow my requests then that is up to him. Threats of moving back to where he comes from, which equates to relapse, but where as before I would have been trying to pacify and beg him not to I just quietly said do what you think is right for you. So reader I sometimes think I am stuck, that I haven’t learnt anything….mainly because I suppose I haven’t had to put it into practice – until now – but now I can feel good about it, I have learnt I have put it into practice, if he chooses not to live a clean life that is just that his choice. I don’t feel bad, I don’t feel sorry, I don’t feel as though I am making unreasonable demands, I am certainly not trying to control anything but my self. If he relapsed it wouldn’t stop me from caring about him, it’s an illness a disease, that can’t be cured. There are things he can do to keep it in remission but that’s for him to do. Not me!

For an addict relapse is part of life. It can take many attempts before it is successful, be it drugs,alcohol, cigarettes, other people’s lives, we all relapse. It doesn’t make us bad people, sometimes the addiction makes us do bad things to supplement the habit. Take a child for example, they are not born bad. They might be born into a bad situation with parents that don’t have the skills to bring them up as a rounded human being but fundamentally the child is not bad. Things happen they look for an escape, other bad things happen, and so it goes on the feeling of worthlessness, with every bad thing that happens a reenforcement that they are worthless. That is a hard cycle to break. I am sure many of you identify! If you don’t then you are lucky. So I think what I am trying to say is it’s not for me to sit in judgement if relapse happens, it doesn’t mean you have failed, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, but sometimes those that love you have to protect themselves too. We are not trying to control anyone but ourselves.

A memory from December 

When the storms hit where I lived I didn’t have much in the way of entertainment, I still had some power left in my iPad and wrote this below, to be honest as I had no internet for almost a week I had forgotten to post it, but as I was going thro my notes I found it. The sentiment stands true what ever time of year it is so decided to post it. 

In life it is often difficult for me to completely focus on just myself for an hour 30 minutes 5 minutes? We have distractions all around us.. Sometimes when I am bored or some thing has annoyed me I take to my blog. Sometimes I have a light bulb moment and think I have to write and get this revelation down.. But even in those moments there are other distractions…the cleaning the ironing work Facebook yaddiyaddi yah! The last 24 hours have been pretty horrendous where I live, right now I have no power, electric power, so all my gadgets my phone my internet my wifi no longer exist..where I live has been hit by Desmond the name of the ‘storm’ that passed through here in. The last couple of days, it was bad red weather alerts = definite flooding, they weren’t wrong! I have power in my iPad so am writing this, but no means to send it to my blog…I believe it might be Tuesday before that happens.. I have a gas powered fire in the living room and I have a gas powered oven so for that I am grateful and thankful. I can sit in the warm and eat hot food, many where I live do not have that luxury.. I do not know them or if I do, not well enough, to know their struggles or I would invite them round. That is not my fault if they wanted to know me better they could have but chose not to. But living with an addict puts people off! And tbh we isolate from people. 

So here I am in the semi dark my room lit by candles my little furry companion by my side barking at noises I couldn’t hear previously but now In the silence can hear like her. I often have the TV on for noise. I am not watching but it blocked the silence. The silence of living alone. I have been alone for some years sometimes in the company of another sometimes by myself ( by that I mean when you live with an addict you are often alone even if he is there with you) but tonight I think in the 12 years that I have lived in this house I am alone in peace. It is silent. Well it was next door have just come back from the in laws, I can hear them talking. But it is still. I live near a train line, they aren’t running. The high speed trains can’t get to where they should be going. It’s half 7 at night and I can hear very little. Last night I was restless the weather had been so horrendous my house had sprung leaks, water was coming in everywhere through the windows, the porch was like a waterfall, my coats hung there were sodden from the relentless down pouring of rain, water coming in from the upstairs bedroom windows was seeping though the window sills and eventually made its way into the living room below, onto the Christmas lights on the living room window sill, if it hadn’t been for me hearing the cracklings and hissing and switching them off I might not even be sat in this silence! So I thank my HP for looking out for me last night. I am lucky tho, I have my house my things and even if I can’t shower or bathe as I have no hot water I am at home. With so many displaced people in the world right now, I do not feel I have the right to complain because I don’t have electricity. I am pissed off because this weekend I spent £50 on food for Christmas, it’s in my freezer defrosting. I have insurance, but whether I will get the money back or in time for Christmas I do not know. I just wanted this year a Christmas by myself, no stress no hassle just nice food in my freezer to defrost and eat when I wanted to, its less than 3 weeks away…..if I put a claim in now will I get it back in time? Probably not….I won’t even be able to phone until Wednesday! Then have 50 questions as to why I didn’t call before blah blah blah! 😩 I saved long and hard to have a nice Christmas this year. I wanted to be alone, for the last 3 Christmases I have had an addict dictating to me how my money was spent when my money was spent, so once i got my presents out the way bought and paid for, I focused on me, and now Mother Nature ( who between you and me I had labeled my HP along with my group) has pissed on me big style! But as I say I am grateful I am safe I have no fear of bombings tonight, I have no fear of my family being murdered, I might not be able to pick up my phone and call them, I did have to walk to town and find a call box! ( was grateful that they still exist and judging by the queue so were many in my town) but I was able to call work to leave a message and explain I couldn’t do the job I was down to do as I don’t have Internet, I was able to call my mum and say don’t worry yes it is bad but I am alive! But I got complacent I got used to my nice easy life! Right now so many people like you and me are not longer able to pick up their mobiles and call home to say they are safe….they have had to leave their comfortable warm homes with what ever they can carry, including their children, they are hungry and scared and have no where to go…so tonight I can’t watch TV…so what? I can’t get a shower or a bath….so what? …..the food I bought for Christmas is probably ruined….so what? Yes there was water pissing in through my windows, because of that I was nearly electrocuted and my house burnt down but it wasn’t…. But did I think I might have been bombed NO! did I think I wouldn’t be able to go to the pub and catch up with my mates if I wanted to?NO! Do you think tomorrow I might be worried about what I will have to eat this day or Christmas Day NO! Please for the love of your God and my HP think about those poor people that are displaced and looking for refuge, I won’t get into the politics of us bombing Syria or the refugees and where they should settle, but just think for a minute how lucky you are to be reading this with Internet and power when so many do not have even a safe haven tonight. 

I had started off this post thinking about the peace and quiet and how it felt weird not to have other things buzzing around – other distractions, because I can’t do the hoovering ( wouldn’t have btw) I can’t do the cleaning in the dark, I can’t watch TV, no Facebook or games I like to play, so could only focus on this post. I was grateful for that but more grateful that even though right now for someone so used to having access to these things these distractions, my phone my internet etc, ultimately I am safe. I am not in fear of my life. And I hope if you are in a position to read this neither are you.

Life is hard at times, but ultimately we have it easy. If you have a mobile have Internet and a safe warm bed or home and food then give thanks for that..yeah shit happens, right now where I live some are being flooded out of their homes have no insurance for the damage, I am lucky right now, no power for 48-72 hours won’t kill me – it’s inconvenient, but that’s it inconvenient.. So if you’re a refugee from Syria or Cumbria or Lancashire ( or even addiction) may you find refuge and peace, it matters not where you are fleeing or what you are fleeing we all should have the right to a peaceful nights sleep with out fear. Do not judge unless you have walked in their shoes. 

Thank you for reading peace out x 

2 lost souls….

Well 2015 has been turbulent to say the least. As I look forward and aback  I see time for new beginnings new endings. I have been quiet regarding my blog, but it’s been in quiet reflection, reading the blogs I follow, getting strength and hope from a couple in particular. You guys know who you are and I thank you, sometimes I comment sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I think I say too much, other times I struggle to find words to express how I feel. I know how emotionally stunted I am. I lived in a bubble devoid of anything much except confusion anger and sadness for many many years. I filled it with substances and unsuccessful relationships. My understanding of love was warped. I craved the closeness of company but didn’t know how to behave to sustain relationships either as a friend or a partner. Still don’t. A life of superficial friendships mistrust and hurt. When anyone got /gets too close I push them away find ways of behaving so they stop wanting to be close. I clearly remember when my life changed for the worse. No one saw it but me. I was desperately unhappy from that day onwards but no one seemed to notice, I was about 10 maybe a bit younger, but it was the start of years of torment, which carried into my adult life and is still around today. Now of course it would have been picked up – noticed in school, the way my behaviour changed, from a happy carefree little girl into the sad withdrawn person I became. Maybe they just thought I was a moody teenager? But inside I was so unhappy. I would do anything to try to get people to like me. But I was also scared. Scared of not being liked scared of getting into trouble if I did something wrong. Scared I would never make anything of my life. I just didn’t know how to relate to people. I felt locked out of a world and didn’t know how to find the door to get in. No self confidence or self worth I wasn’t even sure I would be allowed in even if I found the door. I don’t have that much now but it’s slowly coming together. I still mess up I still push people away isolate myself. I don’t often reach out to people for fear of rejection. If you’re  an addict or in recovery those feelings/behaviours  might sound familiar? My fellowship follows the same 12 steps as AA,NA, OA, etc because fundamentally whether our addiction is substance based or emotional based, we have been hurt, damaged some way. I got involved with an addict, not intentionally but I totally fell for a man that is still part of my heart. When I joined my fellowship I didn’t know how damaged I was well I did but I didn’t know why I was so hell bent on fixing him. Because maybe fixing the addict was easier than fixing myself! There’s a song by Pink Floyd one of the lines is ‘2 lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year’ that makes me think of K& me. It’s a clever line it says so much to encapsulate everything about our relationship. ‘Wish you were Here’ is the track if you don’t know it. Listen to it and you will understand. Before K I always equated it to being high and those not understanding how it feels. But I guess it has many layers or meanings. Being with someone in person physically but mentally on different levels or states of mind. My addiction became the addict or wanting to fix him at least. Right now he’s clean so I am redundant but not fixed! So I am still working on me. So that if needs be I won’t interfere but will keep myself to myself and well. And yet just recently I found myself interfering with someone else’s life and pain! Wanting to help fix them. Someone I know was desperately hurt suicidal, I jumped in to rescue! But at least I was aware of it, someone did the same for me when I was so sad I wanted to die, and only felt that this person deserved the same consideration. But I did it partly because I knew how I felt how low I was and just wanted this person to know I understood at least some of the hurt she felt. 

A work in progress, progress not perfection, so here’s to 2016 bring it on! I am better equipped this year than last, so let’s all embrace our demons give them a shake kick them to the kerb 

I wish you all a healthy happy and trouble free 2016 😀