Recovery is a long journey! 

Ok I have been lucky in my recovery I gave met some great people…people that don’t mind sharing their story with me and where they get their inspiration and wisdom from. For those of us in recovery the bane Melodie Beattie will be familiar. I am working on my co- dependency issues and her books are more than helpful. It’s like when i read her works the words jump out and slap me! It’s like YES!!! That’s it!! Today I downloaded ‘the Language of Letting Go’ if you haven’t read it get it! Especially if you are in recovery. OMgosh it’s just so readable and relevant. ( of course as are all her text!) that’s it but guessing I am really going to spring forward with this now! So far it has affirmed I have now been doing the right thing ! I if its not ggot my name on it walk away. Others drama is not my drama. To remove myself and detach with love I have to hang to  that  thought! 

Minding my own business 

mmm I have met some cool people on here, some honest people, some troubled people, and some fucking screwy do your head in people! I have had support, encouragement, honest comments that I might not agree with but accepted the writers view. If I follow your blog I sometimes post a reply if it has some how touched my heart, if people follow me I have a look see to see what you’re writing if it interests me I follow, if I don’t follow you but you write a reply I usually answer. I know what it feels like to feel inadequate low self esteem, little confidence and self worth. I am working on it! My fellowship is helping and I am getting better and in recovery. 

So what am I whittling on about? What I am actually thinking is that I need to mind my own business. It didn’t have my name on it but I jumped right in there! Granted not like I have in the past. Just shared a bit of my fellowship’s wisdom my experiences strength and hope as others have with me. 

Ok here’s the low down some one started following my blog we started exchanging comments and replies, started building what I thought was trust supporting each other then bam! She cuts me off not just me everyone makes her blog private, cuts off the support and love she was getting from us blogging community. Her choice of course – a drinker tho so maybe that had something to do with it? Maybe she’s reading this? If you are whilst i understand it’s your right to publish or not and its good that you are taking your life back out into the community and going to make ‘real’ friends that’s healthy. But I felt a bit hurt that you started to build up trust with people ( me) and then gone! In my honest opinion that’s just fucked up. But once again maybe that says more about me. 

Just getting this out here so I can park it and move on. 

What have I learnt? – I need to mind my own business, stop identifying with addicts/needy people and trying to be ‘nice’ to them, making them feel good about themselves and focus on me and make me feel good about myself without ‘helping’ others. 

  

Boundaries or ultimatums? 

Been a bit quiet on here for a few days. Just getting on with thinking reflecting on comments made on my last post ( thank you for your comments) looking at my motivations and how it all fits with my step work and my future. 

My visit was actually useful. It opened the door for us both to start talking about our hope and fears. It’s not easy in the visiting hall to have a decent conversation, kids running around loads of noise but we tried. It’s not easy for either of us right now. He’s not so well with his methadone reduction but sticking at it and so wants to come out clean. I hope he does for his own sake. I sometimes forget how sensitive he is now becoming as his own senses start kicking in. But won’t use that as an excuse if he doesn’t like something I say that is his view point and is valid as is mine. One thing I do know is if I say something he doesn’t like he try’s to make it as if I am critisising him or telling him what he should do. Maybe that’s just a defence mechanism? Maybe I don’t explain things as well as I think I do?  Before the visit I wrote a letter explaining what I thought was acceptable to me – should we have a future together. I am not naive he is an addict. Relapse is a real probability. Because of the chance of recall I wanted him to be very clear of what my boundaries are, then if he doesn’t think he can do it or live  by them he can make alternative arrangements. I was accused of making ultimatums. I just calmly said I am not making ultimatums I am not telling you what you have to do I am saying for my own happiness and sanity there can not be drugs in my house and I will not enable you. I am not saying you can’t use drugs because I have no right to tell you what to do with your life. I have no control over you only my own life. But if you want to be part of mine these are my rules. Is that fair do you think? Well it doesn’t matter – it’s what I have to do. Fair or not. Maybe he will come to understand that. It’s hard when you care about an addict. They don’t mean to do bad stuff it just is a symptom of the disease. We talked a bit about the fact he likes taking drugs but doesn’t like what it does to him and where he ends up. ( personally I think he’s still very much in denial making that comment) He even says if he relapsed he would drop out of my life again. I told him I found that too difficult just disappearing because he thinks that saves me from hurt. I told him that it’s worse not knowing if he’s dead or alive it’s more hurtful and painful not knowing than thinking of him using. I was careful not to give mixed messages but if he lapsed as apposed to relapsed I would sooner work with him and help him to find somewhere safe to stay than him on the run and on the rob again. But have to be mindful that it’s not my place to do things for him just to be.

We still have much to discuss.  

 I am grateful for my programme and my fellowship. I am grateful for my group and the wisdom and experience they have shared with me to help me understand how I have had to change. I am grateful for finding a power greater than me that I am learning to put my trust in. I am no longer responsible for anyone but myself ( and my dog!) I am learning to let go and let God. 

Truth or manipulation? 

Today I came home to a letter from K. I knew he had written it of course he told me he had. It was in response to my letter the one that said I will support you and care for you but I don’t want to be your landlady mate friend I want to be with you in a relationship and I want you clean. If you can’t or don’t want that then we can go no further. His response went along the lines needed to decide what I wanted to do, that if I didn’t want to be with him needed to say so so he could talk to the resettlement officer. That he couldn’t be the image that I had of him in my head???

All I would like is for him to love me for me, to want to be with me, not for my money, my home, to want to be with me for me.

I have an image in my head  in fact it’s not a good one but he probably doesn’t know that. The image I have is of an addict, that has used me over and over,  has manipulated me had made me believe he loves me and used that to his advantage. But I still hang onto the fact we met when he wasn’t using we had fun we were a couple and loved up at that! Even when he was using he still treated me with love and respect for a while! Of course as he pushed what was acceptable and manipulated my love for him his respect diminished I never said no I enabled his habit made it easy gave him money fed him loved him he wanted for very little. The more I gave the closeness between us diminished, so I gave more hoping he would love me again….codependency at its best!

I will get answers at the weekend maybe. Of course he’s trying to get off the methadone right now so he’s clean when he comes out he’s got 11 weeks and 11 mls to get off. Unless u have been on methadone you won’t understand how hard and painful that is. He is ill he feels like shit and I totally understand when he says he can’t deal with my feelings right now. But there’s never a good time when he’s coming off methadone,  but equally there’s no point in him getting out without me voicing my worries now and it not working when he does gets out because 1 he had no  idea of my thoughts and feelings or 2 that if I didn’t say anything and we argued because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. With the chance of recall to prison if the police got involved 😔 ( which has happened when we fall out!)

Maybe I am too wrapped up in my own wants to see what he is doing or needs? Maybe I am basing my mistrust on the way he has treated me in the past maybe I have seen him come out of jail and the first thing he want to do is score and if he is addressed at mine he has me prisoner again if that is what he does when he gets out this time – well my alternative is call the police and he’s recalled for 17 months…is that what he’s thinking is he gambolling that I won’t call the police if he relapses? To be fair I am not sure he is, he is saying if I don’t want him here to stay here to say  so, so he can find somewhere else, he doesn’t want to go back to jail he says he wants to be with me….but for the right reasons??? Sorry reader I am just putting down my thoughts as they are in my head at the moment so I can read them back tomorrow and try to make some sense of it all before my next visit! Thanks for reading – feel free to comment it helps me no end!

Goodbye Ziggy 

So another legend passes away. It was what I woke up to this morning. Of course I didn’t know him but had been to his shows  bought his music probably was a bit obsessive over him at one point. I suppose I have always been attracted to the unusual – the unconventional. Maybe that’s why I am now where I am. I don’t do boring, I don’t like the 2.4 children nuclear family maybe I should have maybe I would have grown up? I am not saying there’s anything wrong with being unconventional I think it’s good to be different. Something with a bit of an edge keeps me on my toes. But now I am getting tired. I want happy but not boring. Maybe I get a kick out of being with someone a bit more edgy than me? When I lived in the chaos of addiction I was exhausted I didn’t realise how infected and ill I had become. I was often scared scared that we would get caught by the police when scoring, scared he would OD, scared that I didn’t have the money we needed, scared he would get arrested. He got arrested I didn’t have enough money we got stopped by the police he even took something one day that he found and was so sick it was madness! I have documented all of this in my blog earlier so won’t repeat it. All my fears came true, it didn’t stop him from using it didn’t make me see the light and get help for myself, but now I thank my HP that I found my fellowship, that my HP guided me to it, that I can now address my issues let go of things are not mine to worry about. Today I am grateful for my fellowship and programme ( still stuck on my step but meeting my sponsor on Thursday ) but I am also thankful that for 69 years David Robert Jones was alive and shared his talent with us. Rest in Peace. Your music was genius

Actually just an after thought he was the king of reinvention constantly changing into something new more progressive I guess proof that if we want to change it is possible 😊

Some thoughts & thanks on my journey

I am still overwhelmed by my programme and the other 12 step programmes people follow. No not overwhelmed humbled. I have met a few addicts on my journey especially on my blog. Some struggling some in recovery. The one thing that stands out is those following the 12 steps willingly give their time to support others. Giving service is part of the 12 steps. Helping others. Not saving not enabling but sharing our strength and hope so that they might recover too. One blog I follow is by a recovering addict. He has done so well he shares openly and I see so much of K in his posts it gives me hope that maybe one day he too will come to realise there is another way. The programme works. But you have to work it. It doesn’t just magically happen. We have to change our thinking we have to change years of habits, mindsets, we have to learn to live a different way of life. A different way to live. I had been resistant for a long time it was only when i gave my will over to a God of my understanding that I could start my programme with vigour. As I said in a previous post we are not born bad but are moulded by the environment around us. We are all dependent on what happens to us though life and whether we have the tools to deal with that. Today I am grateful for my fellowship, for coming to WordPress and meeting some great people, for following your journeys, the good times and the bad, I am grateful there is always hope – for all of us.

This was a small reminder this morning that even in the storms we endure in life there is always some beauty x

New year resolutions

I made a few half hearted attempts at resolutions this year, I don’t mean choosing things I can’t or won’t achieve but the things I chose are just things I already do or wanted to do. Write my blog more often do my 12 steps with a bit more conviction and put it into practice! Give up drinking ( as much!) so here we go, the blog! The drinking yep that’s under control nothing for 8 days was planning on a dry January but had already arranged last year to meet up with a mate at the end of the month so will have one night on then do the rest of the month. Yes I am cracking on with my step work but as I said in my last post some of the questions are deep concepts. I don’t go into these resolutions that are going to change the world if I want to join a gym I can join it in December not the new year. I remember the last time I stopped smoking that was October 2013 – I had stopped before for 6 years then started again so had been toying with the idea for 4 years so when the mind was made up it happened – midnight 31/12/2015 is the wrong time in my mind or worse 1/1/2016 when there is a good chance too much alcohol or what ever has been consumed to be making life changing decisions – if it needs changing or improving do it when it needs to be done. Ok rant over – if you made resolutions good luck with them it’s not for me to pass judgement when or if you make or follow them. I just think for me it’s about doing things when they need to be done, my journey is about making me a more rounded spiritual person, to let go and let God not to interfere with the addicts life. That’s a pretty big thing in itself so no I have no time for daft resolutions that are forgotten after a couple of weeks, I guess what I am planning to do aren’t even half hearted they are pretty life changing!