Jumping thro hoops

good to his word he went to CDT I don’t know if all are the same or whether its just the one at Macclesfield that is fucked but the whole system is crazy. Over the coming months I got more and more frustrated with them the system and the general stupidness of it all. I didn’t think for one minute that it might be karl that was making it difficult. He could do no wrong.

He told me he had to go to groups before they could help him which kinda made sense to me. I think to start with he tried to engage he was going to groups I even dropped him off a few times or picked him up. But his enthusiasm started to wan, he started not going as often I probably didn’t help by telling him he had to go to get ¬†the help he needed. What did I know? But I thought I knew best! That’s the problem when you get involved with someone else’s addiction you think as the non user you know best. You start to try to control every thing. You don’t mean to but you do. In my head to me karl going to groups was his key to get into detox. Why wouldn’t he want to go to groups and get into detox? He wanted to get off the gear didn’t he? But I was jumping ahead a bit ha more projection – told you it is a defect I have!

He was offered a community detox. This was meant to be in someone’s house in the community. He lasted all of 2 days. Then he ran away but couldn’t get into his flat as he had left his keys. He slept in the hallway and phoned me the next day, and said he had run off. He asked for me to come over, the day after I did. I was disappointed by him leaving I said if he really wanted to stop he would do it. He said the pills didn’t help but he was really against taking methadone again. I suppose I made an ultimatum and said I couldn’t be with him if he didn’t want to help himself and get clean. I said a lot of things I didn’t act on! He said he didn’t want to live like this, I believed he didn’t. He said he would get help, again. I believed him – again.

A couple of weeks before Christmas I had to go to the office Christmas party ūüėĒ I also had to go down the night before for a ‘team’ day. I liked the people I worked with but to be honest I felt panicky about being away for 2 days. Also as it was mid month I didn’t have much spare cash. But off I went. It actually was ok I didn’t have any money to pay for the hotel which was a bit embarrassing but my manager paid for me, I did think that work were paying and they were but apparently I had to pay and claim it back. I hadn’t budgeted for it. Anyway ¬†toning of any interst happened. I had a phone call from him asking me for money, but until I got my travel expenses on the Friday I couldn’t do anything. He said he had been looking for a job I was made up!

Things were a bit quiet the week before Christmas we had planned on having our first Christmas together and I was dead excited, we also got paid a week early so I bought him a new tracky and some other bits and pieces. If my memory serves me right I went home as I had a local job on the Thursday before Christmas and had a job in Leeds on the Friday. We spoke on the Thursday and arranged for me to go to his on the Friday to pick him up and come back to mine for the Christmas break. I drove down to Macclesfield from leeds, to the house but he wasn’t there, I tried phoning but no answer. I was worried. I thought he had been quiet all day and I had tried to phone a couple of times in the day. When you are with an addict a lot of things go thro your head when you can’t get in touch, the worse that maybe he has had some bad drugs or they have OD-ed, and are face down in a toilet somewhere with a needle in their groin.

Oh yeah I haven’t gone into the reality of how he used have I? This wasnt chasing the dragon or using veins in his arms they had collapsed long ago, no he injected into his groin. So for me the image of him face down in the public toilets trousers half mast ass in the air was a real possibility. I got to the house and once I had established he wasn’t there panic mode kicked in again. What had happened? Why wouldn’t he answer the phone. What should I do? I couldn’t get into his room….I made the decision to go home what else could I do? I phoned Ali and explained what had happened well not what had happened but the fact he had disappeared. I came home and we had a few pre Christmas drinks what else could we do!

A lot later my home phone rang. Shit no one called my home phone! I answered, it was the police! They had him in custody and we’re keeping him in til Monday! Monday that’s chrsitmas eve for fucks sake! He will be at Crewe magistrates court 10am. Right thanks for telling me… What more could I say! I was overwhelmed with emotions relief, confusion, anger, but mainly relief. He was alive I just assumed he had been caught when he was scoring. I was scared too for the impact it might have on me if work or my parents found out. But he was ALIVE!

So Christmas Eve I set off nice and early and drove down to Crewe. I arrived early and it was a special court as it was Christmas eve, can I help you security asked, yes I am here to see someone, K J..? . Yes I say puzzled that they should know him by name. Yes he’s the only case we have. There was a blond woman in her 40’s there. Hi she says I am K’s solicitor. Hi I say what’s going on? He’s been arrested for theft from a vehicle. What when? 17th December…. Light switch momentūüĒ¶ the 17th was when I was away and we had no money! Instead of being pissed off I blamed my self, I had failed him so he had to turn to crime it was all my fault!

He was convicted and tagged to my address for 2 months. This was very complicated! He had also recently been prescribed  meth, but now he had been tagged to my address it was Christmas Eve he needed his script sorting, we had to get back to mine for G4 to come round to tag him, he wanted to see his family before coming to mine, oh yeah and we also had to score!

Drugs came first so back to Macclesfield, the to the CDT and chemist, he had been given enough meth until the 27th to get us through Christmas. So we could come back down on the 27th and get it transferred up to my chemist, they needed my doctors details so that he could sign the script but because of his tag we had to be at mine 7pm to 7am. We then drove to Congleton to see his sister and family, and eventually set off home. The tagging company eventually arrived about 10 pm it’s been a busy day they said! Tell me about it!

Merry Christmas everyone!

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Addiction soon becomes normality

image

After my birthday his usage increases to at least once a day, depending on money we could be spending ¬£60 a day. one day I gave him over ¬£100 it was taking its toll on my bank account. And of course the more he used the more he needed. I remember one time about 10 days after pay day going to the bank and there was nothing there, I was over my overdraft limit thankfully if I remember rightly it was a Wednesday I got my weekly travel expenses paid on the Thursday so it wasn’t the end of the world, but I felt an enormous sense of panic, I had let him down ūüė≥ what would he think of me he needed to get sorted I felt panic in my heart and soul. I suppose that was the first sign of my addiction, the panic not being able to make it right for him, ¬†so there it is my confession to my addiction! I am still struggling to accept it for what it is. But back then I didn’t even know such a thing existed! I have learnt that from Nar ANON. Co dependency! I still am in a bit of denial that I was codependent or in a codependant relationship. Surely wanting to make someone you love feel better when they are ill is normal isn’t it? If he had flu or something no one would call it co dependency if I pop down to tescos and buy some lemsip! What’s the difference to going out and buying a substance that will make him feel better?

we were skint most of the time. But got by, most weeks with his money every two weeks my expenses evey week we had enough money for me to get to work and for him to get at least one bag a day. But that was about it! ¬†We often didn’t have food, I lost a fair bit of weight, I wasn’t complaining but I was hungry a lot of the time. It made it difficult to concentrate not good in my job, but his needs always came before mine. In my head it was the right thing to do, to make sure that the man I loved was as well as he could be. I didn’t know how damaging that was. That in the long term I was making it worse. I didn’t have any idea.

Soon enough this became my reality. I would go to work go to his house ¬†go out to get what he needed cook for him and go home, to walk and feed the dog. Weekends at mine. ¬†A little while later he wanted me to stay over. The fuel for my car was expensive it was money wasted I guess in his head, money we could spend on other things! I think the round trip at that time was ¬£20 fuel at that time was running at about ¬£1.48 a litre. I didn’t want to leave my dog at home he was old and on medication, so it wasn’t fair. He said for me to bring him over, so if I had a job in the morning in his area I would take my dog with me and go to his and sleep over. it was nice to be able to stay with him, but it wasn’t the best set up. A snoring dog, a single bed and a house with 4 other people and one bathroom! But we were so much in love I don’t think we really noticed. He was at his best with me then, loving attentive respectful grateful always saying thank you if I helped him out with money. I remember we watched a programme on the TV about addicts in America it was a Ross Kemp investigates thing, and addicts were talking very openly about taking heroin and crack and I ended up crying. The way they talked about those drugs! That hit me hard one of them said they know they could die but can’t stop. This is what I was living with. ,’whats wrong love?’ He asked….’ I can’t compete with that, this is what you are like, this must be what you are thinking, you can’t stop and I can’t do anything to stop it’ he was quiet for a bit hugged me kissed me looked into my face and said ‘I will get help I will go CDT ( community drugs team) and get off it’

Right here right now!

I had every intention when starting this blog to do it in chronological order but sometimes something happens that makes you change your mind! Today has been one of those days I don’t know if I will discuss with you the ins and outs yet but I want you to know just how horrible I feel. In September K stole from me. He persuaded me to let him come to mine, to try to do a home detox so I let him come. He no WE lasted a day and then went to score. Later in the day he wanted me to take him home, he asked if we could take the iPad I laughed and said no because I was short of cash and he would persuade me to take it down cash converters the next day. To cut a long story short he stole it but I didn’t know until I got home the next day. In my anger and feeling of total betrayal I told the police. Today I went to court and watched as he was taken to jail. That is bad enough but I also know that he is by now going thro rattle he has 4 weeks in jail, to get himself sorted out. We are actually good but knowing by now he is in pain and will probably get very little support because he so doesn’t want to go back to the meth is killing me! So this little post is just saying even tho there has been over 2 years of this story even when you do the right thing for you both the guilt is sometimes hard to bear. He made the choice today to go to jail knowing he would not only have to detox in jail but also not be out for christmas. He could have gone not guilty but there were other things like a suspended sentence which means he would have gone down anyway but I just wanted it on the record that I admire him so much for doing what is the hardest thing to do, for any addict. K I love you and hope you find the strength to get thro what is going to be a very hard time for you. I hope you really have reached rock bottom, I hope that maybe we will have a future at the end of this. I ask my HP to give you strength and guidance and hope to see you soon xx

Zomie Apocalypse

image I remember one of the first times I went with him to score. It stuck with me just because of the craziness of it all!

He had made a couple of phone calls and we went to the Moss. When you are on the way to get drugs everything is urgent. You have to get there first incase they haven’t brought enough out so this experience stuck with me for many reasons. I obviously knew he was using by now and had been with him a couple of times and dropped him off waited whilst he disappeared and then came back, but this time it was different.

It was day time and light. We had to go up to the Moss estate and make our way to near the allotments. All of a sudden he said turn here, I had been tho the allotments before so when we turned I knew it wasn’t the right way. He made another phone call and after hanging up said fuck turn around! As I was turning he said no back the other way he had seen someone on a bike I assume the person we needed to see. He disappeared through a ginnal, put your foot down he shouted, yeah ok but where am I going? I don’t mind driving fast if I know the road and know where I am going so I can make the needed manoeuvres! He shouted stop!!! And jumped out and ran up the street. Wow what was that about I thought. I pulled over and parked up there were a few lads in hoodies sculking about, one on the phone they ran off in the opposite direction to Karl. Then they came! It was like a zombie movie….they just appeared out of no there was young mothers with buggies young men young women most looked like the living dead! It was like a sea of bodies well more like a wave, but they all had the same look of desperation about them. Hollow faces dead eyes. My God! There must have been about 20 of them I guess. I didn’t count I was just shocked to the core. The 3 lads I had seen running off the other way came back up the hill behind me. I don’t know if you have ever seen someone on their way for drugs, when you know what you are looking for you can spot them a mile off! Hoodies are usually a given! Covers the face. But they have a focus they move fast too. Don’t run often but they do shift

All I could think of was Shaun of the Dead! I know it isn’t funny but the whole futility of it made me laugh. I know that’s wrong but maybe back then all I could do was laugh at the absurdity that I had gotten my self into! In reality I found it very sad, but also shocking, mothers with babies for christs sake! Really??

I don’t remember where I had been to work that day, but probably a police station or maybe Court, and here I was surrounded by druggies going to get their fix, and worse of all my fella was one of them!

The irony of it all!

So much in love ūüėćūüėć

I hadn’t had anything to drink but felt high, and I mean really high. I had him here at last we were together. The thought of drugs didn’t come into my head. Because he had told me about the drug dealers running him over in a car and breaking his back it made sense to me that he needed pain killers or Valium to relax. That first night was emotional to say the least. He phoned his brother to say was in Lancaster ended up in tears he felt so devastated because he lost his job. He was saying over and over he always destroys anything good in his life. When something good happens he does something to destroy it to kill it. He was so low. It was so difficult I was on one hand so happy to have him with me but so upset to see him in this state. He was such a good man why did he feel so bad about himself? In hindsight now because this had happened too many times before, he was given a chance to get his life on track but the Eastern Temptress always called him and he couldn’t say no to her!

At this stage of our relationship we talked about everything, well I talked about everything, felt I could be as honest and open as I wanted. I told him how I felt about him what I thought about him I poured out all my feelings for him, in a hope he would feel better about himself. I told him not to feel bad about himself and what had happened that things would be ok that he would get another job. He said he was tired so we went to bed.

The sequence of events is now a bit vague, but I think he stayed for a couple of days, before saying he needed to get more pain killers. I was working, of course, but might not have had any work on that day, but we ended up going back to Macclesfield. I dropped him off and I think went to a job, and picked him back up and came back home. Around this time he was offered a room in a shared house. The relationship he had had with the girl that died had been ‘volatile’. She threw him out and took him back then threw him out again and again, so he was justifiably worried I would do the same. I told him again and again I wouldn’t, no matter what he did, but he accepted the room. I was disappointed but we took his stuff back and he moved in. The room was tiny. There was a single bed and a wardrobe. I went back home.

I think at this stage he was just ‘dabbling’ a hit now and again. He wasn’t asking me for money all the time. My birthday was coming up it was the big 50 I was totally not looking forward to it. It sounded just so old!

Not only that I had originally made plans to have a party but in the afternoon had planned on getting a limo and going for afternoon tea in a posh hotel with family and a 5 close friends. There was only room in the limo for 9 so this meant K wouldn’t have been able to come with us. I also didn’t think it would be his sort of thing so ended up not booking it. Also it would have been over ¬£200 for us all and All of a sudden I didn’t have any free cash! At this point K hadn’t given me any of the money back that I had ‘leant’ him. I was traveling back and forth to Macclesfield after work then traveling home, my bank account was empty! But I had booked a band and arranged for food at the pub so that had to happen!

Also because I had the dog I had to go home. I had booked a week off work and my party was the weekend before my birthday because one of my friends was working the weekend of my birthday. This had been sorted out months before in fact I think it might have been booked before I even met Karl. So I had booked the full week off. Mum said she would take my old boy ( the dog) ¬†back with them because I planned on going somewhere the week I was off. I hadn’t booked anywhere but it was my 50th so wanted to do somthing ¬†even if I had no cash! The Friday before the party I finished work and went to pick him up.

As far as I remember everything was good. In the morning I had to get my hair cut my sister was arriving Early afternoon. When I got back he said love I really don’t want to be here, I don’t want to meet your family.

WHAT!!!? Sorry love I just feel really stressed about it. Ok well I haven’t the time to take you back to Macclesfield and get back here cos my sister is coming. Ok he says well can we go and see someone I knew in rehab he might be able to get me some vali’s to chill me out? Where is he? Oh in Lancaster. Ok I thought fair enough.

we went into town he knew roughly where the guy lived but had no phone number for him. Eventually after about an hour we tracked him down. K said he needed some white, I assumed he meant tablets Valium, can’t help you said the guy. Now what? My sister was due. We will have to go to mac! No love we can’t my sister is coming I need to be at home. About a minute after I said it she rang….where are you? Erm just in town the back door is unlocked let yourself in I will be there soon sorry! My god I felt like shit. His behaviour was now having an impact on me and my arrangements I can’t let my family down. I have issues relating to how I was brought up. But not failing is a big thing in my makeup! Babe I have to go home my sister is here, well if you want me to come to your party you have to help me! Fuck my head was racing, it was a 3 hour trip to Mac and back, my parents would be arriving before then. You will have to take my car and get what you need I was in panic mode. I wanted him there I was so proud of him and wanted to show him off. I suppose a little bit of me wanted to show off my younger boyfriend! Yeah look at me I can get a younger drop down gorgeous boyfriend ( ego is a terrible thing,) that by having him as my fella meant I somehow had made it! I was very fucked up but didn’t see it til I just wrote that! He didn’t have a licence this was a massive risk for me giving him my car, but I wanted him there but couldn’t take him. He wouldn’t even take me home just dropped me off so I had a 10 minute walk home. My poor sister had been there for an hour! I made ¬†some lame excuse that karl needed some pain killers but we couldn’t get them without prescription so he had now gone back to Macclesdfield.

i think I am probably portraying him in a very poor light given that at this stage as far as I was concerned he could do no wrong! As will be said again and again on this blog hindsight is a gift!

My parents arrived before he got back but he arrived about an hour later he turned up. He was very shy but once the initial meeting was over he was his usual chatty lovely self. My parents loved him! Mum and dad were staying in a hotel so they got off to get changed and book in and I got ready to go out.

I would like to say my party was a great success but I won’t it came and went. K doesn’t actually drink very much so I tried to keep a check on my drinking too. I had a fairly good time. People seemed to enjoy them selves. I had planned to meet up with some friends the next day but karl wanted to go back to Macclesfield. I think even at this point I didn’t know he was using again. We needed some money but my account was empty. I didn’t get paid for another week. I was so upset I couldn’t understand where my money could have gone to. In the end I borrowed ¬£100 from N&N but they were cross because I wasn’t coming out with them. I felt so ashamed having to ask my friends for money, but I needed it. No he needed it!

So back to Macc we went. He was canny I will give him that. He took me to the pub before he went off to score. You have a drink love I have to just have to go and see someone to get some more pain killers. I sat and waited he was ages. I should say my parents had been round in the morning and had taken my dog home I hadn’t left him, incase you were thinking!

I should say that in my other job I got my travel expenses paid every Thursday. You have no idea how that money got us through! But it was Sunday and thankfully i had the week off so we had a hundred quid to get me to til Thursday.

I had a week with my love what more could I want! It seemed it wasn’t to be though. His brother had some work for him. Great ūüė© a week in Macc no money and no man! I was gutted. I should have gone home but for what reason? I didn’t have any money it would take ¬£20 of fuel to get home just not worth it.

But you know what that week was lovely, well as lovely as a week in a single bed with a 6footer can be lol.

He was a real gentleman, made me a brew every morning and tried to get me to have toast, he really looked after me. I had never had a boyfriend that was so thoughtful before. And right then at that time I think he really did love me. He was attentive spoke to me with respect he was kind and just looked after me generally. I think that week was one of the happiest we had. Before the addiction kicked in for us both, mine with him and his with opiates. We had only been really together again about a month but it felt like so much had happened and that every week was like a month every day a week, and when we were apart every hour a day. He was so loving towards me I felt I would do anything for him.

My life in his addiction

So I have covered the background. This is where it starts for real. This is the bit that took me into the world of drugs and crime, of court cases and heart ache. Of ¬†an illness that crept up slowly and i hadn’t even realised how sick I had become until my rock bottom was reached. Whilst we were living in our co-dependent world we were in denial that we were addicted or that there was a problem, this state took 2 years to reach and is the state that I am battling every day to control.

To cut a long story short it was towards the end of September when I got a call on Sunday morning. It was ? Can I see you? Why? What’s the point we want different things…No he says I have a job I am getting a flat I can give you what you want. K I have a stinking hangover I only got to bed at 4 I don’t think I can drive. Pleeeeze he says it will be worth it! I can give you what you want. All those feelings for him I had tried to surpress came to the surface, I had the chance to get him back how can I say no? Where? Come to Macclesfield. Macclesfield I don’t even know where Macclesfield is! It turned out to be an hour and a halfs drive away – and I didnt want to be with him when he was in Liverpool! I set off and he called me when I was about half an hour from home. I had arranged to meet him at 2 I didn’t have a clue how long it would be at that point to get there, he thought an hour so it was after one when I left. Where are you? On the motorway- ¬†I am at the Packhorse ( where we arranged to meet) well it won’t be another hour before I get there according to the sat nav! I’ll wait – you better!

God bless him he did wait he was freezing. I am not sure I would have waited outside for an hour but he did. He got in the car and tried to kiss me. I half backed away. What you doing? We aren’t back together yet I say. You’ve had your hair cut you look nice ¬†he says, yes, so where are we going? He gave me directions to a pub the other side of Macclesfield, I got to know this area very well over the next few months, but had no idea where I was. As we were on the way he started telling me that he ¬†hadn’t got the flat yet, but had somewhere to stay, but needed to pay some money down. He said I know I am a nuisance but I don’t get paid until next week, is there any chance I could borrow ¬£20 to pay for this room? I told him I only had ¬£10 on me, I had a bit more, but we are by now going into the pub. I bought us some drinks and we sat down. He was chatty telling me about his job, it was over in Winsford where his sister lived. He had stopped at his other sisters the night before, he said something about I should buy him a ring now we were back together. In my head it was like a ring? What does he mean he wants us to be together does he mean like an engagement ring? I laughed and said yeah in your dreams….but that seed had been sown! So he says that money? I am sorry to ask but I really need to get off and sort this room out for tonight. I took the tenner out and was really shocked by his reaction, he became a bit aggressive not in a bad way but seemed irritated- I told you I need twenty! Yes I said but that’s all I have, well we better go to the cash point and get me some more I need to pay for this room or I will loose it. Ok ok I say, but we have just bought the drinks, well you take me to the cash point and come back we will tell them we are coming back, ok that seemed reasonable I thought. My emotions were all over the place, I didn’t feel comfortable giving him the money they way he asked for it but I loved this man so much and wanted to be with him. So off we went. I got out ¬£20 and gave it to him. He said you go back to the pub and I will sort this out and come back ok? And thanks love and kissed me.

I sat waiting what seemed like ages, I drank my pint. I wasn’t sure I could risk another one but was feeling really rough. I can’t remember if I txt him or not but he came back shortly after. No apology for keeping me waiting but I just wanted to go home and get to bed. I also should have been meeting N&N and had texted them to say I had met Karl and would see them the next weekend that was the start of the end of my friendship with them. Putting him first. Although at this stage I was thinking about me really and what I wanted!

Babe I know I am a nuisance but can you give me a lift to Windsford? I need to get my stuff . Where’s windsford? Not far. Ok. So off we go it was far! I don’t know exactly but probably 20 miles away.

The next 3 or 4 weeks are now a bit of a blur, but I do remember taking him to Windsford and dropping him off. Then another time meeting him there possibly the next weekend and him borrowing another ¬£50. He then told me he had lost his job. He said he had been out the night before and couldn’t be bothered getting up he was upset and down and asked if he could come up and stay with me for a few days. Wow this was moving fast! By now he had ‘borrowed’ about ¬£150. I had absolutely no idea that he has started using, he always had a great explanation for the money.

We had met in Winsford and I took him to his sisters house to get his stuff. He was moving in with me! He wanted to be with me he said he loved me I was so happy! My dreams had come true! I had my man he wanted to be with me and we could live happily ever after. I was so blind I didn’t see what going on in front of me! But then again I didn’t know what I was looking for! The thought that he might be using drugs again didn’t even enter my head. He was still the man I had met when he was sober in rehab he was funny charming humble grateful even when I helped him out with money. Once his things were in the car he asked if we could go to Mac first. ‘What for?’ I just need to get some pain killers my back is really playing up. Oh ok. So off to Mac we go. A few phone calls and arrange to go to a flat. I stay in the car. He was gone ages. he comes back with a very dodgy looking bloke drinking a can of tenants! Babe I know I am nuisance but I really need to get these pain killers but I have to buy them can I borrow ¬£20, and can we give this guy a lift he knows where I can get them. I was not happy but agreed after all we were going home. I had my man! I was so ecstatically happy about that, giving some skank a lift so my man could get some pain killers was a small thing to do in the great scheme of things.

We went into town and parked up they disappeared down some alley. They came back and he asked me to give the guy a lift back, so I did. That had been my first visit to the Moss estate, an area I would get to know very well! Thanks for the Valium he says to the guy. No worries bro see ya. Thanks for the lift, yeah no worries!

Valium? I thought he wanted painkillers! He seemed spaced out, he was moving really slowly picking at some invisible lint on his jeans. You ok? I ask yeah babe lets go.

So he came home with me spaced out on heroin and crack and I had absolutely no idea!

Bit more about who I am

I suppose now would be a good time to explain a bit more about me. It might surprise you to know I actually have quite a responsible job. Looking back when our addiction was at its worse I wonder how I even managed to work. And yes I did say our addiction! If you are new to how this works it’s simple. It starts with just keeping your loved one safe, helping them out. They need some money you give it to them. They pay you back so you give more. They need a lift you give it, you become so embroiled in their addiction you become addicted yourself. It will probably become clearer as my story unfolds but as you do what you think is helping it becomes more and more your business, and I ended up enabling him not helping him.when you live with addiction, you have to detach yourself from it, from the madness chaos and pain or else you become addicted yourself. I don’t mean addicted to the drugs. It engulfs you like heroin engulfs the addict. If I help just once more he will get help, he is ill he needs the drugs, if I don’t help him he will go out and rob something he might get caught and go to jail, how will that look for me at work if they find out? That was something I said to him, he used that again and again to play on my feelings and get what he wanted. How many times did I hear -babe please you know I don’t like asking but I am ill – or – Babe please you have to help me you don’t want me to go out and go on the rob – or – Babe please I will have to go out grafting oh yes the addict learns quick what gets you going what upsets you and plays on it. And then there the whole thing around the co-dependency shit. You feel wanted, loved, you have a purpose. Someone needs you but they don’t in reality all they want is what they can get from you. Addiction is sometimes called disease. Yes it might be. But don’t underestimate the lengths addicts will go to to get what they need. Some people might think that addicts are somehow not functioning as those with out addiction, that they are somehow wasters, not to put too fine a point on it dead heads. They are not when the rattle starts they are as sharp as anything, they have to be to get what they need.

So back to me. This is a public blog, so I have to be careful how much I divulge about my job. I have to be careful just because of confidentiality, not about me but my clients. The people I work for and the type of job I do. I don’t want people to feel compromised. But I do need to try to put it into perspective so that you understand where I am coming from. I work as an interpreter. I worked for an agency, ¬†before when I was living with and had my own addiction I worked for a different Organisation.

I do a lot of work within the legal domain, ironic really considering my home life!

So i had a good job a good wage. I wasn’t t rich had a lot of debt built up over the years. But I had enough to get by. Paid the bills. Before I met Karl I would have liked to have someone in my life but wasn’t desperatly looking. As I have mentioned had some friends where I lived had a nice pub that at one time I worked in to supplement my income when I was freelance, and could go to without fear. I had my cats and my old dog. I was fairly happy. Having someone to share it with would have been nice but not that important. I had had a couple of long term relationships married twice, but if I was with someone and it wasn’t working and I wasn’t happy I wouldn’t be scared to finish it and be on my own. That’s why I couldn’t understand how I could be so unhappy and sad but couldn’t finish it or walk away from him.

So there it is a bit more about me. I am sure more will become clear as I continue sharing my journey, also if you want to,  ask!

 

My time of abstainence

For the next couple of months or so I tried to get over him. But he had become almost an obsession. I woke up thinking of him, I went to bed thinking of him. I ¬†went out with friends and tried to get some normality back. I don’t have that many friends I had a couple that I used to hang out with every Sunday. They had really looked after me when me and the ex husband split. Took me out and made sure I had a social life. Where I live is quite small there isn’t a great deal on offer for a single middle aged woman! So they were my life line. I loved them both so ¬†much, for this blog I will call them N&N. I do this to save them embarrassment. Although if people know me they will know who I am talking about! ¬†I no longer have contact with them that will be explained later and I was devastated that our friendship came to an end, but you loose a lot of friends when you are living with or in addiction.

Ali my neighbour became a good friend around this time, we both seemed to be in love with men that didn’t want us! It’s not my place to go into Ali’s details but we both decided to try out internet dating! Ali is a beautiful looking woman, in her 30’s, I on the other hand am an average looking woman that was fast approaching 50! I wasn’t counting on meeting any one but had a few dates, there was one guy I liked but we only met a coupe of times. He smoked a lot of weed and I didnt, so things didn’t really work out, and it just sort of fizzled out. Towards the end of August when I was still sort of seeing this guy, I got a phone call. I was just about to go to work in a police station, I had deleted K’s ¬†number for my own sanity so I couldn’t txt him so was a bit shocked to hear his voice. You ok? He asked.

‘What you want?’ I asked –

‘just thought I would call you.’

Where are you?

Birkenhead.

What you doing there? Some evasive answer, so I said look I have to go…. My head and heart were racing. What did he want? No I was just getting my self back on track I didn’t want this man back in my life and for fucks sake Birkenhead! That was bloody miles away, I wasnt going to start up a long distance relationship that’s not what I wanted. I still had a few minutes so sent him a txt and said look I don’t want you as a friend you can’t give me what I want. I wish you luck please don’t call again.

What was the point? I wanted him of course I still loved him but he was not answering my questions about what and why he was in Birkenhead no this would go nowhere better forget it and move on – again!

If only I had kept the strength I found that day but then again all addicts relapse don’t they!

From friendship to lovers ūüíė

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The next few days went slowly, had a couple of text messages but he wouldn’t be allowed out again until Sunday and only if he did the work he was supposed to do. I was still at a loss as to what was going on was I just a friend did he want me as a girlfriend? Sometimes I would get a text and he would put a kiss (x) at the end sometimes he wouldn’t. I spoke to my friend Ali about it. It’s early days Kaz leave it. But I so desperately wanted to be with this man. I had had dates even had a couple of shortish relationships after the husband but nothing came close to this intensity of feelng I had for an ex drug user! At this stage I didn’t even think about relapse ¬†didn’t even think it would be possible. He was so anti drugs. Or so I thought. Recently I read about how it works for addicts. When you are addicted to a substance ( or a person I suppose) your time is spent chasing it. I will get into our addiction later but for now will focus on how we got together.

We had arranged to meet on the Sunday but he didn’t call I called him and he said he had gone out with some lads from rehab and so couldn’t see me I said ok no problem but inside I was torn apart. He contacted me a couple of days later on text and we tentitivly arranged for the next weekend. I was going crazy with the whole situation. I had fallen for a man I didn’t know. And it was worse not knowing if he felt anything about me. I desperately wanted to ask him but was too scared to hear he didn’t want me in his life. I bet this sounds a bit lame. Sound a bit sad don’t I? Why was I so hung up on him? I really don’t know. He didn’t ask after me or my leg I had ended up having 9stitches, he didn’t really ask about me at all.

The next time we met we went to the sea. He loved the sea. We went to Morecambe He had no shame. There was a guy that was obviously not so well in the mental health department, I had seen him around before he was talking to himself, K shouted they will lock you up for that mate! I was like omg you can’t say that – why not he asks? I still don’t know if I would have found it amusing if it wasn’t him? Anyway we had a couple of hours again. He had to get back so we drove back and again. Same thing drop him off away from the centre he thanked me for a nice afternoon but again no kiss but I accepted it.

The next weekend I had a meeting. I won’t bore you with the details ¬†but basically he came with me and stayed in the car. I left early and we went into Kendal. As we were walking about he seemed to be a bit more flirty, we walked passed a dress shop and he said things like you should wear short dresses, we talked about going camping and he said he would love to go camping with me. But because I was getting mixed messages tried not to take it to heart. After we had some lunch which he insisted on paying for, we still had 3 hours to kill. Want to come back to mine? Yes, so we went home. Made a brew and sat opposite each other chatting, then he said it, Karen I can’t keep walking about on egg shells with you are we going to get together or what? I can’t remember the exact words now but it was something along those lines….we went to bed, that was the start for me at least.

i would like to say everything was happy after that but it wasn’t. Having your fella in rehab with strict rules of when you can or can’t go out, took its toll. I wanted a boyfriend and knew that even if I couldn’t see him all the time we could at least see each other at weekends – not!

the next time we met up we went for a walk I was blown away as he kissed me in the street, as we drove home he said I know you have fallen for me, my brothers like that too falls for girls really fast. I said in your dreams I have fallen for you, but we both knew we or at least I had.

If memory serves me right we met once more before I went on holiday and he had a long weekend on his cousins stag night.

With hind site I think it was probably obvious to everyone but me he wasn’t that bothered. I blamed rehab as he did for him not seeing me, then he said I have another over night home leave coming up. This was July time now, and he was up for stopping the weekend! Fantastic, we could have a full weekend together. In my mind I was thinking no rushed sex eat out have a few drinks chill out fab!

He said he would call me and let me know when he could get away. The waiting was unbearable. Eventually he said he was going to see his sister on the Friday but could see me on the Saturday. I was disappointed but felt bad cos he said he hadn’t seen his sister since he had gone into rehab. I said I was disappointed but understood, you know writing this down I must have been desperate for him to want me the shit I put up with! But what was I to know. I didn’t know what he could do or couldn’t do being in there. I didn’t want him to feel more pressure from me putting stress on him by wanting his time. But I was gutted he had promised a weekend with me and I had already lost a night ūüėĒ

I wonder a s I read this back wether he was grooming me? Maybe someone out there that has done it or experienced it can make comment.

Eventually on the Friday night he phoned me. He was pissed! But was calling me babe and was generally funny come over here and stay tomorrow he says, I said I didn’t want to stay at his sisters but decided to get a hotel. The bloody stone roses were playing Manchester so there wasn’t a hotel to be had! Eventually I found actually in Manchester so text him cos he wouldn’t answer his phone and said I had booked a hotel and would pick him up on Saturday afternoon. He called and we arranged to meet about 2 at his sisters but he said I will call you in the morning.

To cut a long story short, he had a minging hangover I ended up picking him up at 5 and drove to Manchester. We had a couple of pints and he said I am rough love I have to go to bed! I was livid but didn’t want to make a fuss, after all it was his weekend too! He went to bed and didn’t wake up til the morning hardly the romantic weekend I had planned! I took him back to where his sister lived and went home. I was hurt and upset. I had put too much into this weekend had hoped for too much.

I don’t think we saw each other again after that. He made excuses and eventually said he had to focus on his recovery and I was a distraction. I was far more upset than I should have been. But felt devastated. It my fault that I felt the way I did, but he obviously didn’t have space for me in his life and I should never have got involved. But of course his recovery was the most important thing, I should have taken Ali’s advice before she told me not to get involved. She didn’t come out and say it at that time but she had alluded to it! That was my first brush with a recovering addicts life, I should have drawn a line under it and moved on.

It was too late my addiction had started.

The first date!

As I was driving into town my phone rang it ¬†was him….my heart sank he’s calling it off I thought but picked up anyway.

‘Where are you?’

‘Erm just getting into town 5 minutes I will be there just in traffic’

‘ok see you’ phew he wasn’t calling it off he was there waiting for me…early! That voice chipped in again! He is only early cos he wanted to get out of that place, stop making this into something it’s not. I know I know but it’s a good sign that he is early and checking that I am coming…he must like me right??

So I parked up crossed the road and there he was…I couldn’t believe my luck…that gorgeous man wanted to go out with me!? Suddenly I couldn’t talk – Hi I said what you want to do? We need to get out of here in case I am seen ( heart sinks he’s ashamed to be seen with me) maybe he saw something in my face and added – cos staff could see me and I ain’t supposed to be meeting anyone. Phew I felt a bit better for hearing that!

So what do you want to do I ask again.

Don’t mind we could go for a drink if you like but I can’t drink, not allowed. Ok let’s go the car is across the road

We set off…it was a lovely warm afternoon but I felt so nervous I could hardly talk. He was making jokes and seemed very relaxed! As we drove out of town he asked me how come I didnt have a boyfriend. I explained the husband left a couple of years previously. I mentioned that we had been party people and when the pill taking stopped I didn’t feel much for him any more. Oh so you like bad boy druggies then? Ha ha ¬†I said yes of course! Well you’ll like me I was in prison cos of drugs.

Why didnt I just think to my self then you have no place in my world? But no I liked it I liked him well fancied him physically but also admired him. He had a shyness about him a humbleness that I would see again and agin over the coming weeks and months and that attracted me to him. A vunrablitiy. He had met up with me and was so honest about his past it was frightening. As the afternoon unfolded he told me about how he came to be in rehab. He had owed some dealers money. They ran him over and his back was broken. He went to hospital and he absconded, he ended up with the ultimatum rehab or recall. He choose rehab.

He seemed so focused and anti drugs that I never assumed for one minute that this was going to be the wellest I would see him. He told me that he had recently learnt to read and write, my heart went out to him. Good for you I thought you really are trying to change your life around. He was doing a the first part of a councelling course – life was good. He had a plan, in the September he was hoping to go to university and do a degree in councelling. He was focused.

He told me about his girlfriend that had died when he was in prison. How he didn’t find out until after, he also lost him Nan and dad all the space of a couple of years.

His Nan more or less brought him up. He didn’t seem to get on with his mum too well. He told me about after his dad and her split up she remarried, and had 2 more kids, K had an older sister. He said that sadly his mums husband had a fatal motor accident and basically she had a break down. K and his sister ended up in care. I don’t know what happened to the younger two. But they seem to have stayed with her, and when she got with the man she is with now he brought the two younger ones up as his own. K had various foster placements, him and Frank didn’t get on. He didn’t go to school much and his dad used to take him out on the rob. He started using drugs and was in and out of young offenders institutions.

Maybe because I had never heard anyone being so upfront and honest about such a horrendous up bringing my heart opened up to him, my ex had been so emotionally retarded it was a joke! He couldn’t open up and talk about his feelings maybe if he had we would have been still together, but then I wouldn’t be writing this.

He showed me a photo On his phone, of his girlfriends grave. I felt really uncomfortable but justified it by thinking that he wanted to share this horrible situation with ME so I should be more accepting and sympathetic! Of course I made all the right noises, how awful, but there was that voice again, why would he show you that because he doesn’t see you as a potential girlfriend that might be upset by that, he is sharing it with you as a friend.

Its time to go….2 hours had flown by, so we went back to the car and I drove him back to near where the rehab was. He said he couldn’t risk getting seen ( that voice again he’s ashamed of you cos of your age!) so dropped him near by. He said thank you for taking me out and was gone. No kiss good bye? Oh well friends it is then.

Now when I think of how he was I understand why I was so attracted to him. Here was this 39 year old man starting life. Really starting life for the first time! He had focus goals he was clean from drugs. He was charming funny made fun of him self and of me, made me laugh and nearly cry. My heart went out to him he had had such a cruel life in his eyes and now he was literally reborn. He had an energy of a young man, he was in some ways like a teenager. Life was for living and he was grabbing it. He was grateful and as I have said humble. He had so many good qualities, why wouldn’t I fall for him. It’s was almost like a blank page, he could write on it what he wanted could be want ever he wanted to be. He was exciting. His enthusiasm radiated out of him and it was infectious! I wanted more of him he was someone I would be proud to introduce to my friends and family….jumping the gun but all this was going on in my head before we had even arranged a second date! Total madnes!