Enough of being a pawn

When you are wrapped up in co-dependency you can become a pawn in a game that you don’t think you have any control over…in fact you might not even know you are a pawn! I look back and wonder how much I was played without realising. Other people’s agendas and fucked  up lives.  As things and stories unravel truths come out I wonder just what part I played in fact in the case I am thinking about I wasn’t even aware I was in some ‘master plan’ being played. But truths come out like I say and even tho my pride is a bit hurt from what I now know I also wonder if it was meant. Or if it was that persons way of looking for an escape. 

I am doing ok. I have been lazy with my step work I try to blame my sponsor for not pushing me even though i asked her too but it’s not her responsiblity it’s mine. But at last I think I have stopped people pleasing. If I don’t want to do something I don’t have too. With my qualifier back in jail I have been able to think about me again. I am getting stronger. He keeps phoning and has written asking for money. I say no. The time before last when he called he asked for money I evaded the question didn’t answer yes or no, but was deliberate in not answering. He asked if I could see what I could do…I said I would, but to me that meant I don’t have to see what I could do I didn’t need to see what I could do, I wasn’t going to do anything….it was just easier than getting into a battle by saying no directly. Last time he called he was going on and on even said you said you would see what you could do…yes I said but that didn’t mean I was going to give you anything, just I will see….he then said but if you send me some money I can phone you. I am afraid I didn’t even think the words came out before I could think of the impact – I reacted! But for once reacted in my favour. I could hear the words come out my mouth I didn’t like the tone of my voice I wish I could have said it in a nicer way but I just didn’t give myself time to think. I didn’t breathe I heard myself saying – why the hell should I pay you to phone me? The line went dead he hung up – good there was nothing more to say. Maybe he’s getting the message that this time I mean it it’s over. He’s not my responsiblity I get nothing from this relationship ( I use that word loosely!) you can give and give but if you get nothing in return eventually you have to walk away. Draw a line under it. It’s not his fault he has this disease. But it’s not mine either. He actually was honest enough to say in his letter that he won’t make promises he can’t keep any more. That words are just that words and he needs to action it not talk about it. I feel sorry for him. I think he has had his chance – too many times. Twice he’s been given rehab. He even did detox in jail, and even tho he knows it makes him sick he lives a hopeless life on the rob to pay for his drugs or selling them until he gets arrested and back in jail he still goes back to it. Again and again. A hopeless case ☹️ don’t get me wrong I know I too was on that merry-go-round I too was repeating the same behaviours hoping for a different outcome, that little co-dependent voice is still trying to mug me off whispering but what if this time he does stay off the gear??? Well if he does then Well Done K! But I can’t live a life wondering if he will relapse the minute something doesn’t go his way. Which is way I must let go. I said to someone the other day, if he could use ‘socially’ smoke a bit of crack or heroin for a bit of pleasure I could accept it. I have a drink at the weekends or what ever it isnt something I HAVE to do. I know others that smoke crack snort coke have a joint but it’s controlled. 

I have gone way off my point! I guess to finish off I am getting more aware of being played, I will no longer be a victim, I catch myself all the time, saying stuff that really is trying to make people feel sorry for me. Not about the addict. But poor me I have had to do this or that. I might not have stopped it but I am becoming aware of it.  I am getting better! 

Disappointment and misplaced guilt

Yesterday I had 3 missed calls from a number in Liverpool, I was working at the time and didn’t really give it much thought. Assumed it was just some sort of sales call or possible a contractor I am waiting to hear from, I tried the number but the call failed so just assumed it was some stupid sales call and left it at that. I had had a lovely 4 days off work, I worked on my vegetable plot and things are now starting to come alive. The hard work of sowing the seeds preparing the ground and planting up mainly done, so things are growing both at the allotment and at home so now just have to make sure things are watered and weeded, of course the next lot of seeds are in ready for planting out in about a months time to keep the supply throughout the summer. I enjoy it. I like the nurturing and the sense of achievement I have from planting a seed and watching it grow into something I can eat. It takes time patience and dedication. Things can be left to do their own thing but some things need daily care. Unsurprisingly then when I had K in my life my plot didn’t produce much. There’s not a great deal of expense, but compost is needed and grow bags. The soil needs improving as its nutrients are sucked up by the plants but £20 on compost was a day’s worth of gear and that had to come first or at least as I was fearful of reprisals it came first. If I spent money on me I would feel guilty. That’s co-dependency working it magic! It was now over a week since I had had contact, i was feeling relief hopeful that this time after I had told him this had to stop, I would not give him money anymore, that if he wasn’t serious about his recovery then I no longer wanted to see him or hear from him. We had made tentative plans to meet over the bank holiday weekend but I made it very clear that I did not want him here or to see him if he was using or was ‘ill’ or if he thought he could ask me,badger me into giving him cash. It was not my doing he had no food or tobacco ( the most recent mode of manipulation to get money from me) he had to look out for himself now as he had made that choice when he came out of jail to start using again. And apart from others asking if I had heard from him I gave him little thought. In fact I was celebrating my ( misplaced) victory thinking at last he’s leaving me alone! He believes me – that I won’t give in to him any more! 

Of course I say misplaced victory, because nothing was really further than the truth! And hence my disappointment.

I was just watching TV when the mysterious Liverpool number called again. I picked up it was K. So my mind started to race where is he why is he calling from Liverpool had he got into the detox place he was in before over there? Nope back in jail. Recalled which apparently was very unfair (?) I did say well it is kinda your fault, you broke the law you didn’t follow the drug rehab order if you continued to use so don’t be surprised! Of course then the credit was about to run out as I hadn’t supported his warped mind set! Would I stay in touch?? I will write I said. So disappointed in him? No disappointed in me? Yes because I wrongly was feeling a bit smug that this time sticking to my guns had worked but in reality he was in jail! Pfft 🙄 also I know I shouldn’t have said I would write. But at least if he’s in there I will have peace and will be able to focus on me and my recovery. I find it easier when he’s away. I got a lot stronger last time, and know that this time it will be easier too. So even if I did slip back a little bit this time I am further on so can make even more progress. I am mindful not to believe his ‘this time will be a fresh start’. It might be but that’s his business not mine. My fresh start is already on its way. 

Consequences

Things in life don’t always go as we want planned or even think! Life serves something up and we deal with it as best we can. Sometimes it’s expected sometimes it’s out of the blue, sometimes we have to face disappointments, sometimes we have to take life on life’s terms. Sometimes people do things you don’t like. Sometimes people do the best they can to get by given the circumstances. Sometimes your gut reaction is right sometimes it’s wrong ( mine is rarely wrong). Things are sent to try you, things are sent to make you happy, things are sent to confuse or test you. Living in recovery is a maze of what ifs? should i’s? shouldn’t I? Living in recovery you are tested every single day every hour every minute. Consequences from my actions consequences from others actions it’s always in the for front of my mind. If I say that how will it be perceived? If I do that how will it be perceived? Is that being co-dependent? Is that just being nice and human? What will happen if I do this? If I don’t do that what are the consequences and what will the impact be for me for the other person? 

These as the questions you ask your self when you try to get out of co-dependency but are still involved with the addict in your life. 

I have made some hard choices, not to enable one of them. I know I am still very much still in the co-de mind set because I still feel guilt for not helping out more. I am seeing the consequences of not enabling and I don’t like it. I don’t like the choices that he has made because I am working on me. I feel guilt for not helping him more and today saw the consequences of my not enabling. Ok no that’s not true, I saw the consequences for the choices he has made because I haven’t enabled him. And that leads to guilt if I am honest. Part of me knows it matters not if I provide money for drugs or not he will always be an addict. He repeats the same behaviours over and over. When I enabled him financially he stayed out of trouble with law for nearly 2 years. When ever I stop paying for his drugs it doesn’t stop him from using he just finds other ways to get the money he needs. He then ends up in jail. I don’t need to feel guilty about that of course but that’s the madness of co-dependency and addiction because I do feel guilty. Misconstrued feelings of responsibility guilt and it’s somehow my fault. Don’t get me wrong I know it’s not my fault if another gets into trouble through their own choices – but I don’t know if you are living in addiction you actually have choices. 

Let’s just look at what happens when you go to prison for some drug related crime….heroin related crime….you can do your rattle but will be offered subies spice even the real thing for a price, you can get a script after a couple of days (methadone) which for most addicts is worse to get off  than heroin. But if you choose that root but misbehave it’s withdrawn. So have to rattle off that no support no mental health services in a jail full of druggies offering you God knows what trying your best to be clean and off it all when you get out. But after being on it for so long you can’t cope with all the feelings and thoughts you start to feel, you get released no money for a month ( if you are on sick benefit) have to fill out all these forms again when your literacy levels aren’t too good have to wait 4 days before you get a food hand out, no money no food too many feelings emotionally to cope with no services to support you apart from probation that you have to get too, or you will be recalled but because of cuts you have to somehow get 20 miles away to an appointment, so when you have no one to help you you’re  mentally struggling you have less than a handful of people that you can call on because the only people you know are drug users or sellers you desperately want to stay clean but can’t cope with all the feelings and emotions physically you know you can’t go back to drugs and put your body through this again but mentally you just need some peace….and there you are back in the cycle stealing for a couple of bags just so you can get a bit of sleep and before you know it are back in active addiction and doing what you have to get the next bag. 

So knowing all that If I have slipped him the odd tenner don’t sit in judgement. When you have walked my path or his  then you can. However his actions create his own consequences as do my own. I am mindful not to send mixed messages I always say and explain my reasons. I buy food and burn for him but try to avoid giving him hard cash. It’s a tightrope like I said in my last post 😔 but yet again I have slipped back into talking about him! Oops that wasn’t meant to happen! But my journey is intrinsically linked into his. 

Thanks for reading 

Hope X  

And so to the new year and the end of my story….

so in between Christmas and new year we stayed in macclesfield and came back to mine for the New Year….I don’t know why we bothered really. He was back in active addiction by now, using every day and of course the methadone. I have posted about New Years Day earlier in my blog so won’t repeat it. I wasn’t in work until the 5th so on the Friday we had to go back to Mac so he could pick up his script. I was working in Manchester on the Monday so I think we stayed at his for the weekend. So I wasn’t wasting money on fuel. I had a little job in the moring and I am not sure if he came with me or not but after I finished I either went back to Mac to pick him up or he was with me and we went to score. I think I came back for him as he scored in Mac, dealers were back now they had had their Christmas break! So inconsiderate didn’t they know I had to drive all over Cheshire and Lancashire trying to score lol! We then went to the leisure centre so he could have a dig. Work called me when I was waiting. It was only the 5th Jan and my money was running low already, but he had promised to give me the £100 he owed me the next day when he got his benefits. I have already explained what happened next (see 5th Jan post if you want to know) so after he came back to the car I dropped him off home and went back to mine so I could work from home. I still don’t fully understand what happened. He has said he didn’t want to drag me down. I think he had played me all the time. He had no intention of stopping using. He used me for the money until his benefits came through, and then dumped me. But this is the bit that I can’t work out. He knew he could use me for money. So maybe just maybe that little part of him that still has some decency left decided to letting me go was the right thing to do. Maybe he could see a change in me how ever slight, I was using language he had heard in rehab, he would pull me up for it. Saying why you using that term? We are not in groups now!  And I would say but yes I am though I am still in my fellowship even if you are not. I am putting in to practice what I have learnt or at least trying to. Maybe he knew this time it wouldn’t be as easy. He would have to work a little bit harder to get his money. That he knew I didn’t want to live in a life of addiction any more. It’s now been 11 days since he last phoned. My mobile is still blocked to him. He can call the house phone at the moment, but I am thinking of getting a bar on that too. Maybe I am not ready to cut my ties completly? Maybe I like the thought of him wanting me, even if it’s just for money, just to have a bit of a verbal sparring match to see who wins? But if I am thinking like that then he has won. 

So there you have it. What brought me here. I think my posts will be fewer now. I will read back and see if I have missed anything significant. No doubt I will remember something I haven’t told you. If I continue to write it will now be about my journey, through the steps. I might revisit things and analyse what I have done. What I would do differently. Maybe I will look at the impact on me. 

When you live in the chaotic world of addiction, you can’t see much. My life became second place, no probably even further down than that.  I am not anti drugs. I think some people can use them safely like drink. But some people can’t. Addiction any addiction creeps up slowly. You don’t even know it’s happening. My life had become unmanageable. I should be happy that I am free of that. But I doesn’t stop me loving the man I met. I know that I will never see that man again. I wish I could. Maybe one day he will make the break for real. All I ever wanted was that man back. That’s why I held out time after time, lie after lie, broken promise after broken promise, I understood it was the drugs that made him behave like this. I believed in him. I believed he wanted to be free, to be the man I had met. Addiction killed us both. The fun loving people we were eroded away. We became obsessed with money ( or at least lack of it) getting the next bag, me finding ways to restrict his usage him trying to find a new believable lie to get more money from me. We existed we didn’t live. He said once because I didn’t want him grafting it was the longest he had stayed out of prison and on the drugs. He said he usually had a bit of a break from it if he went to jail.  He said his life of crime was over, that he wanted a good life with me. He thanked me for keeping him out of jail. He said he wanted us to be together which is why he didn’t go out grafting unless he really had to. We tried to live we tried to be normal do normal couple things at the weekends, go on holidays. We did. I don’t know how ill he was when we were away, he said the meth held him. And we sometimes had fun. I will hang on to the good times we had, because although there weren’t many when we were away from accessing drugs we did have a good time together. I don’t know if he really loved me. But if he didn’t then maybe he should go into acting because he played a very good part. Maybe he was just grateful….but for now let me believe he did love me even if it was only for a little while. This is now getting emotional for me so I will stop. Thank you for reading. 

Karen x