No matter what brings you to the rooms what your addiction there has to come a point when you stop talking the talk and actually walk the walk! You will be pleased to read today I have. Negative behaviours from another that impact on me are no good. At the weekend I could see how his drug of choice has reclaimed him again. It’s hard to watch and even harder to bring up in conversation, but brought up it had to be 😔 of course I was promised the moon on a stick if I could just do this or that and how he was going to go to drugs services today go back on the script, something I know he hates being on more than drugs, so went with it, but I was also very clear as to what I would do if he didn’t follow his plan. That I understand how the drug works but the behaviour that was starting to show its self ( both mine and his) was not the road I wanted to go down. I feel extremely irritated by his use of drugs his constant requests for money the constant lies I have heard too many times before to even start to believe them any more, but I did believe that he would go to drugs services because I do believe he doesn’t want to be a slave to this drug. At on point he said how do you think I have been paying for it? Stealing?? Was my answer, yes he said because I don’t want to ask you…fair point thank you, but I could get recalled if I get caught, yes you could but who’s put you there? I saw his face the disappointment when i didn’t say you must not steal to feed your habit – I didn’t jump in to rescue him. So today after a fairly good weekend that wasn’t filled with too much drama we headed back to Macc via me working in Manchester on the way. One of the things I had said to him was this. I know for you to stop using you have to heal yourself get to the rotten root that makes you feel you can’t cope with life. You have to get spiritually well, I am on that road to recovery so believe me when I say, you can do what ever you want to do, but I will not go back to how it was before you went to jail, I will not enable you I will not give you money. When I do I feel bad about myself feel stupid feel fake, so to keep my serenity I know I have to remove myself from the drama and the chaos. It hurts me your behaviour hurts me. I hurt myself when I don’t follow my programme. But I don’t suppose he listened or if he did heard, why should he when I have never really stuck by it, a few days later giving in to him to his requests as I always have in the past. Can I borrow your phone he asked as I was driving, yeah sure…apparently some guy owed him some H only had 1 when he wanted 2 so he wanted to get it….well as long as it wasn’t going to impact on me, there wasn’t much I could say. So he said he needed to go and see this fella and would jump the train, he was ill he couldn’t be sitting in the car for 2 hours waiting for me, he’d be back on the script tomorrow blah blah blah….I said do what you want BUT I haven’t got time to be waiting on you I have a personal appointment that I need to get home for, so when I am finished you better be ready. ( could already feel my nerves rattling and stress building up ) so I dropped him at the station and went to do my job. When it was finished I called him, no answer…called again no answer, txt him you better pick up or I am going home not hanging around for you….called again picked up! Getting on the train now, ok you better be as I am not hanging around if your not here by 12 I am going. Drove to the station as checked the times of the trains. One had just come in the next one got in just before 12.. Unsurprisingly he wasn’t on either of them. So I txt him because of course now he wouldn’t answer! I gave him time to get from the station to where I was parked but because of my appointment couldn’t wait any longer. This is my txt 😔
Sorry that train has come in so if u weren’t on it too bad u should have said u wasn’t or at least picked up the call. Will drop you stuff off sometime can’t tomorrow maybe Wednesday – your on your own now told u I didn’t want to go back to this way of life sorry – u can lie to yourself but not to me I love u but not the chaos u bring to my life. If u genuinely want to stop get yourself sorted and call me X
When I read it I can see just how stressed I had become in such a short space of time all my negative behaviours showing them selves right there! You do this or I will do that! That’s no way to live to behave, to be!
Yes I have walked away before but that was through arguments etc, this is because I want to keep my serenity I can’t go back I can’t live a lie, I feel bad of course his feet really are bad has no money and is stuck in the one place I really don’t want him to be, because I know where he will probably head 😢 he will blame me it will be my fault I left him there with no money and no transport, but you see it’s not my fault, it’s his choice of behaviour ( not the drugs yes he relapsed but that’s the way the drug works) he choose to jump the train to get there, he knew I had an appointment to get back home for, granted he probably didn’t think I would walk away, but this time I had to, talking the talk is one thing living it and doing it is a lot harder but if I don’t put it into practice now then nothing will change.
Peace out in Hope X