You’re a strong woman

I heard that a lot over the next few weeks. I wonder what that means? You are a strong woman?? Well I am a woman, get that bit, but what does being a strong woman mean? If it meant drinking to block out the pain, not sleeping, wanting to die, but not being ‘strong’ enough to do any thing about it, then I am strong! If it meant all I could think about was what he was doing what I had done wrong, why didn’t he want to be with me? Then I am strong. But I don’t think that it means that does it. So what does being strong mean I wonder….this weekend I was asked if I ever had taken heroin or crack. No is the simple answer, having seen and lived with an addict it doesn’t hold much attraction. Of course I wonder what it feels like what the big attraction is…. He once said I would love a rock! We were sat outside a pub in the sunshine in Morecambe, on one of our early dates. We were talking about drugs and he said I bet you would love it. Thank god I just laughed it off and didn’t suggest going off and finding some! 10 years ago if he hadn’t been in rehab I might have….so does that make me strong? It just wasn’t an option.
I coped I go to work I paid my bills ( most of the time) I did what most people have to do to get by, to live, but did that make me strong? I don’t have very good coping mechanisms. Drink is my default. It doesn’t control me, but I abuse it in times of need. Have gone to work with hangovers, but have gone to work. Does that make me strong? I am quite good at organising things have a fairly good work ethic ( guilt probably at letting people down!) good at time management….regarding work. Putting on a brave face in front of those that don’t know me, don’t need to know my problems, that’s just common decency that’s not being strong, holding on to tears until I am alone? No let’s be honest…its more about me shutting off from my emotions not showing it cos I am not feeling it! Becoming completely detached…. Good at that, does that equal strength? I was so sad I felt so low I was on antidepressants I cared for nothing I wanted to die I didn’t clean the house getting a shower in the morning was more of a hinderance than something I wanted to do, if my hair wasn’t so short and fine and didn’t need washing every day I wouldn’t have bothered, and it wasn’t that I was doing it for me, but I suppose I didn’t want to give the wrong impression at work, I suppose somewhere in my brain knew I had to keep my job, if I didn’t I wouldn’t have money no money no house. I knew if I didn’t get my sorry ass out of bed showered and dressed I would loose my job and I didn’t have the strength to go freelance and force myself, so this was the better option. So no I wasn’t strong I did what I had to do to keep a roof over my head, but didn’t care about anything else. No doubt someone will say yes you are strong you got through it….but that’s just it, I haven’t! If I had been able to cope I wouldn’t be having to put it down in a blog, I would just get on with life without the fundamental need to put all my personal thoughts and feelings out in the Internet world for all to see. I would have some way of just getting on with it ( life). I wouldn’t be a victim as he called me a couple of days before I didn’t see him again….victims aren’t strong are they? They might put up with a lot of shit but strong people aren’t victims are they? If I was strong I wouldn’t have allowed my self to get into all this mess I would have walked away I would have had more self worth than to put up with again and again the empty promises, but I did. I couldn’t walk away I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. So ‘you’re a strong woman’ didn’t ring true, then or now because strong women don’t get into this sort of life in the first place do they? I put up with a lot, lies,deceit, hurt, a way of life I had never experienced before, living a life of being scared, scared to say anything in case it was the wrong thing, scared that something awful would happen to him, scared that those he owed money would get him or me, scared his next dig would be his last dig, not having enough food, having the police banging on the door, phoning me up, stopping the car…..you have read it you know what I dealt with, did that make me strong? Does that equate with being a strong woman? Yes I got though it yes I am still alive yes I still have a job….but I didn’t have the one thing I wanted and for all the negatives I wanted him he made me strong, he made me feel alive, he made me have purpose, and if I needed another being to make me feel as though I was someone, that, THAT, is not NOT being strong that is weak very weak!

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