Going back to step 1 has allowed me to look at acceptance again. When living with active addiction I thought I was pretty compliant. I didn’t want arguments, especially if I had worked all day, I accepted pretty much what he told me. He didn’t want to live like this, he didn’t want to be using drugs everyday,he didn’t mean to do bad things, he didn’t want to feel sick all the time. I even believed that this wasn’t going to be forever, he would get help and do what he needed. I accepted that this was a disease, that he was sick that it was the addiction that made him do all the crazy things the bad things. Acceptance is more than just believing in tho. Acceptance is knowing I’m powerless over anything but myself. Acceptance is a way of letting go, is a form of kindness, is not judging or allowing my negative thoughts over ride me. I can use it to quiet all the things that are going on in my head and give it up to my HP. I accept and I then can forgive. Acceptance doesn’t mean I’ve given up or submitted it means I can accept the facts be aware of my options and decide what I want to do, or don’t want to do.
‘We can not change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses’
Carl G Jung
So here I am again! This Christmas was probably the best I have had in at least 4 years…maybe more. But of course the last 4 were taken up in the centre of addiction. Don’t look back only look forward don’t project or hover over a future that hasn’t come yet are phrases you hear in the fellowship phrases that have a lot of bearing when you live in addiction/with addiction wise words but hard to actually live up to when you’re in it. I don’t mind looking back – it’s useful to reflect. I like to look back not in the what could I have done differently way of looking back because that achieves nothing no one can erase the past or change it, but you can and do learn from it. I’m not even going to remind myself of what I did in the last 4 years at Christmas – I know! I know things that I won’t even put in this blog. Bad shit that happened but it’s in the past. I was powerless over the addict! In every sense. His choices were just that. My choices were just that. So this year mentally I was at a much better place. No expectations I didn’t measure up or down on anyone or anything. It happened. I limited myself on the drink and food I didn’t binge which I have done in the past. For comfort! It’s been a sad year on the celebrity front lost a good number of people this year, every night over Christmas we seemed to loose another. 4 in the space of 24 hours, although Ricky Harris didn’t make the news on the TV. Or at least not on the news I saw. Anyway end of year reflections
I came to believe that I was never going to change the addict. In fact more than that it was not my place to even try. I found the power maybe from my HP -( which someone once told me was myself and I doubted it but maybe he is right) to let go let god and release with love. Words and mantras that are easy to say but not so easy to put into practice. I saw yet again the the addict was not ready to change. That he was prepared after going thro the pain of coming off the drugs to start it all over again even tho he knew he was killing himself time and time again. That he hadn’t as yet made the decision to say enough is enough. But more importantly no matter what I did it wasn’t going to change anything. The only thing I could change was me. I know 1 year ago 2 years ago I said this but it was words this year I did it. I haven’t lost faith that it’s possible I know it’s possible I follow a fellow blogger seen how he has changed his life around he’s not a kid either but a grown man. But for my own sanity I jumped of the merry go round. Maybe I reached my rock bottom? Maybe I came to realise that I needed something more that I couldn’t be pulled into the downward spiral of someone else’s addiction yet again. Maybe I just realised just how hurtful it was to me and those around me? Nah what it was was I believed. I believed that I was powerless that my HP gave me the strength to say know what? You go ahead and do what you want, but don’t expect me to be part of it, one day you will find the way, but my hurt has to stop and only I can control that.
So on that little reflection and in knowing everyday I am getting stronger and better I wish you all well. I hope your festivities were with out drama. And that you live in serenity and hope