this weekend will be the anniversary of last weekend we had together before he went into detox…a year! I was scared but so happy because this is what I had put up with all the awfulness for. This was the start of our life together…well you have read much of what happened next…and then today – with perfect timing – he phoned again…different phone number of course! The upshot is this today is my pay day he knows that so phoned asking for money…of course it was sugar coated as usual I miss you can I see you this weekend? No
why didn’t you phone me back when I asked you?
Why didn’t you phone me?
No credit…still no credit ( hence borrowed someone’s phone)
erm no ur number is blocked that’s why u are using someone else’s phone
Is it love why would you do something like that, you know I want to be with you why are you being so horrible to me?
ME horrible to YOU! Really!
Listen love I really want to see you I will come up tomorrow..if you could just see me right for a tenner so I could get some food….?
No I can’t…
Come on I know you have money…
I don’t get paid till tomorrow and besides I don’t want to give you any money…
You could if you wanted..,.and u got paid today…
I don’t get paid til tomorrow …Yes if I wanted to help u I could but I don’t want…I feel sorry for you I really do but you mean nothing to me any more you only phone when you want money and I WILL NOT HELP YOU!
I will come and see you tomorrow please love come on I don’t want to get drugs just some money for food….
No I can’t talk to you any more ( hang up)
Who’d have thought a year ago the man I loved so much would be such a nuisance now? Don’t get me wrong if I am 100% honest I do still love him of course I want that man I met back in my life but these last few weeks since Christmas have shown me he has gone ( if he ever existed) I lived a dream my dream I am not even sure now he even wanted it. Life without addiction. No that’s not fair I think he does but doesn’t know how. And you know what reader? That is the sadest thing, there is a good man under that addiction, a kind man a supportive man a loving man a family man and addiction has stolen that away. But also because I am away from the chaos have had a few months at least out of that which became my normality and can see it for what it is. I don’t want to or can’t go back to that life again. I should be glad that I have stood up to him that I am looking out for myself but I feel if I am totally honest with myself and you that I don’t want to give him up for all the heart ache for all that horrible co- dependency wanting to feel wanted! Him wanting me for my money How bloody sad is that? But I also know for us both I have to….I have to say no I have to block the phone numbers I have to unplug the house phone not because I want to but because until he understands I can’t help him he can’t help himself 😔 keep me in your prayers i need all the help and strength I can get right now thank you x