1 year anniversary 

this weekend will be the anniversary of last weekend we had together before he went into detox…a year! I was scared but so happy because this is what I had put up with all the awfulness for. This was the start of our life together…well you have read much of what happened next…and then today – with perfect timing – he phoned again…different phone number of course! The upshot is this today is my pay day he knows that so phoned asking for money…of course it was sugar coated as usual I miss you can I see you this weekend? No

why didn’t you phone me back when I asked you?

 Why didn’t you phone me?

 No credit…still no credit ( hence borrowed someone’s phone) 

erm no ur number is blocked that’s why u are using someone else’s phone

Is it love why would you do something like that, you know I want to be with you why are you being so horrible to me?

 ME horrible to YOU!  Really! 

Listen love I really want to see you I will come up tomorrow..if you could just see me right for a tenner so I could get some food….? 

No I can’t…

Come on I know you have money…

I don’t get paid till tomorrow and besides I don’t want to give you any money…

You could if you wanted..,.and u got paid today…

I don’t get paid til tomorrow …Yes if I wanted to help u I could but I don’t want…I feel sorry for you I really do but you mean nothing to me any more you only phone when you want money and I WILL NOT HELP YOU! 

I will come and see you tomorrow please love come on I don’t want to get drugs just some money for food….

No I can’t talk to you any more ( hang up) 

Who’d have thought a year ago the man I loved so much would be such a nuisance now? Don’t get me wrong if I am 100% honest I do still love him of course I want that man I met back in my life but these last few weeks since Christmas have shown me he has gone ( if he ever existed)  I lived a dream my dream I am not even sure now he even wanted it. Life without addiction. No that’s not fair I think he does but doesn’t know how. And you know what reader? That is the sadest thing, there is a good man under that addiction, a kind man a supportive man a loving man a family man and addiction has stolen that away. But also because I am away from the chaos have had a few months at least out of that which became my  normality and can see it for what it is. I don’t want to or can’t go back to that life again. I should be glad that I have stood up to him that I am looking out for myself but I feel if I am totally honest with myself and you that I don’t want to give him up for all the heart ache for all  that horrible co- dependency wanting to feel wanted! Him wanting me for my money How bloody sad is that? But I also know for us both I have to….I have to say no I have to block the phone numbers I have to unplug the house phone not because I want to but because until he understands I can’t help him he can’t help himself 😔 keep me in your prayers i need all the help and strength I can get right now thank you x 

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3 thoughts on “1 year anniversary 

  1. Praying with you Karen. I know its hard but you did the right thing. If you open the door again you will just subject yourself to more pain, misery and suffering at the hands of his addiction. He has to find his path and follow it. Some of us are sicker than others and takes a little longer. I know it took me 37 years. Keep the faith my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Eric it’s hard for me I don’t pretend it’s not. That is what we learn in my fellowship that our journeys are as tough as any physical addiction. Our good nature makes it hard to be so tough on those we love for the greater good. I want him in my safety but know I can’t have him with me because I will relapse I don’t even have to see him just speaking to him is enough…and that’s why your post yesterday had such an impact for me, he has to want to and me ‘helping him’ is just doing the opposite. But I thank you again for your support and prayers

      Liked by 1 person

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