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I am aware that I haven’t written anything for a while….but a lot has been going on since last weekend…I have had no contact which is good, and today I have a date…which is scary! But the sun is shining I have woken up with no pain in my back ( have been in agony all week because of sciatica) so will get back to my story and maybe the new chapter later!
The story of K needs to be finished, but there is still much to write.
After he walked out of rehab I was devastated as I have said I wanted to die the pain I felt emotionally and physically was horrendous. But with help from my dear friends I got on with life. I worked hard and went where ever they wanted me to go, I saw places I had never been before thro work and had a good summer. The weather was brilliant and most days when I had finished work sat out side in the sun. Was getting a good tan! The pain was lessening, but I still missed him very much. Not the horrible life we had lived but him the good man I had fell for and put up with all the bad times for, in the hope of getting him back. Weekends were the hardest. My friend Ali was very much in love and obviously saw her man most weekends so I was left by myself. I tried to get back with N&N but they wanted nothing to do with me, I txt them and said me and K have split he has left rehab and is living with another girl, the reply I got was short and to the point, never thought he would amount to much maybe see u around sometime. So I had lost my best friends though cutting my self off. I didn’t blame them of course, I see them occasionally in the town but apart from a very curt hello get nothing back from them. The casualties of addiction ripple out from the addict. I had cut myself off, from people, because I didn’t want to have to explain myself or him to others. He didn’t want me mixing with people that I might tell my side of things too. At the time I thought it was just he didn’t want me talking about him, but I think it’s deeper than that. He knew what he was doing to me was wrong, he didn’t want others influencing my decisions. He didn’t want the chance that someone I cared about and cared for me might tell me to get out of the hopeless situation I was in, they did all the time, but I choose to believe he wanted out of the situation too, what did they know? I was the one with him he told me again and again that he didn’t want to live like this that he wanted to be clean of the methadone ( it was always the methadone not the heroin that he wanted to be free from) The allotment grew and I was busy with that. My bank balance was getting better, I still over spent most months, but it was my doing not because I had to give someone else my money! All in all it was a good summer. As I got stronger emotionally I tried a bit of Internet dating, met a few fellas but none did it for me. But they didn’t really stand a chance because I was still in love with K.
During the summer I was away from home for a couple of long court cases. One was 6 weeks. During that time I broke away from my fellowship ( support group). What did I need to do the 12 steps for? I had no contact with him, drugs were no longer a part of my life, I understood that by my enabling him with money etc he didn’t have to reach his rock bottom, I provided everything for him. So I stopped attending the meetings. That was a big mistake, but I didn’t think that I would see him again, I didn’t understand how an addicts mind works. I knew I never wanted to be in that situation again, so even as someone had said to me that he would be back, I thought well if he does come back I won’t enable him. And besides if he relapses then I don’t want to be part of his life. I won’t go back to living like that again. I never wanted to in the first place, it just crept up on me because I didn’t know what was happening. I was still very much in denial! So I contacted one of the group and made an excuse to stop attending. To be fair as I was living away from home at that point it was actually difficult. My meetings are via Skype and the hotel I was staying at only had wifi in the public areas so it wouldn’t have been possible to attend meetings confidentially. But also having to confront my shortcomings every week I thought wasn’t helping me forget him and move on. No that sorry hurtful painful part of my live needed to be closed and forgotten about, weekly meetings just reminded me, it was too painful. I foolishly fell into the trap that some addicts do…if you stop going to meetings the chance of relapse is high very high! It has to become a way of life, you can’t just attend a few meetings and think you are cured. But I did, think I was cured. My addiction had been taken away from me so I didn’t need to do the work to keep me clean!

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3 thoughts on “No posts

    1. Bless u Eric thank you! Can’t believe it’s only been A week since my last encounter with Karl! But I really lost the last bit of respect I had for him last week. It’s so hard when I know it’s the drugs that make him behave like that, but I can’t keep letting him get away with it. I forgive him of course, but am not helping him by helping him if that makes sense. ūüėä

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