In the name of love

So for the next 2 months I had a house guest! Well even though he was on the meth he still used and so trips to Macc in the day time if I was working that way were a given. They were a given even if I wasn’t working down that way. Part of me was happy I had my man at home but a big part of me was becoming more and more saddened by this awful situation we were in. All I wanted was for him to give 3 clean urine samples in 2 weeks and he would be put forward for detox. I suppose that’s like asking an alcoholic to go into a bar with a free range of what ever their poison is and not take a drink! Or the shopaholic on pay day not to go shopping or giving a gambler £10000 and tell them not to put a bet on the only horse running in a race! Services ask the impossible because in my mind they have such low finances they can’t afford for addicts to achieve what they ask! If all the addicts that say they want to detox actually achieved the 3 clean specimens in 2 weeks services just couldn’t cope! There just isn’t enough beds. At this point I truly think he cared for me so much he tried so hard. He could manage about 3 or 4 days but then he started feeling ill so by the time the 3rd Sample had to be given he had used, so didn’t go. I am not proud of this but he even manipulated me into giving a sample so he could take it with him, to give a clear one. ‘Come on love you know I want to get into detox but I can’t and even you said how it’s a stupid request to give an addict’ fuck he was clever he used anything I said to his advantage making me feel the guilty party if I didn’t comply with what he wanted me to do. The price of love??? I am not a victim by the way. I am not trying for one minute to make out he was pressuring me but when you live in another’s addiction you will do ANYTHING to get them well. It wasn’t until he actually got into rehab and I found my 12 step programme that I realised how his addiction had made me addicted to trying to fix it all though enabling. Until I recognised my shortcomings and how I wasn’t helping I got pulled deeper and deeper into our addiction.
I am quite an honest person I say it as it is! I don’t deliberately try to hurt people and will keep quiet rather than hurt someone’s feelings and this is one of my shortcomings! By keeping this addiction to my self and trying to keep family and friends out of what was really happening in my life, I cut ties, I stopped seeing friends and family. I stopped caring for myself and put his addiction needs above anything and everything else. When I learnt about codependency I refused to accept it. I choose to help him, I was stopping him from being ill by paying for his drugs. Did I get off on it? No not really but I didn’t want him to break the law by burglary or theft so I took it on to myself to pay for his habit. Of course I am now enlightened so see that we were both codependent on each other. He was with me for his benefit and so was I.. I am battling with this as I have said previously. Its hard looking back and thinking about how I was manipulated allowing my self to be pulled every which way, in the name of love! It’s funny how I convinced myself I was doing these things for the right reasons. I was in my head, I loved him and knew no different. And of course it was early days, we had only really been back together since September 3 or 4 months but by Christ so much had happened. The last time I had my hair cut was around this time. He was looking at some photos of me with longer hair. ‘Babe I think I like you better with longer hair’ oh ok I say I will grow it then, ‘ yes cos it costs so much every month to get it cut, you should grow it’ so I do! Of course the £40 a month could be put to better use, money was already tight, in stead of thinking he wants that money, I thought we need that money for food! I am being selfish spending that on myself a month.
As he was at mine I was still able to see N&N on a Sunday. Not every week but managed to see them around Christmas time. I so wanted him to come with me, to meet up with my friends, but he would just say you go love and have a good time. I will stay here. More guilt! I felt it was unfair of me to go out and enjoy myself when he was cooped up at home. Sometimes when I got home when he was off the tag he would say he was feeling ill and needed to go back to Macc. I had been drinking so couldn’t drive, so he would drive back. I didn’t like him driving the car, he didn’t have a licence, but couldn’t risk my own so let him. So over the space of a few weeks my weekly meetings with my friends  started to stop. As the need to feel normal ( for him) increased the earlier we would go back to Macc. And so it continued, after my dog went for his last sleep, I stayed over at his more and a more, depending on work. But I would get phone calls asking for me begging me to transfer money into his account. One time I think he must have been with some others in ear shot, what he said to me appalled me. I actually started to feel that this was enough that he would stoop so low! I was working on a case in Wolverhampton, it was lunch time and a got a call. I was still smoking at that time so was outside, by myself which was a blessing. He phoned and asked how I was. He was always respectful up to a point! Babe please I really need to get a thing…I gave you £20 this morning, I know love but it wasn’t any good come on you have to help me out. I was really skint, I had enough money for fuel to get to work, for the rest of the week and that was about it. I had transferred £20 in his account in the morning, before I went to work so knew how much I didn’t have, come on love please he says, and when you get home I will have sex with you….WHAT!!! What did you just say? I ask in disbelief, come on I will give it to you good! My head was in an absolute mess, one thing you don’t have with a heroin addict is sex! The fact that he was trying to use this as a bribe, disgusted me. You want me to pay for sex? you are disgusting! I can’t believe you said that to me. No I will not give you money for sex, I will not give you money because I HAVENT GOT ANY! Are there others around you? Are you showing off to ur ‘mates’ no K I will not give you any money. I will see you later, aw come on love, I really need to get a thing, I am ill,  look if I give you the money I won’t have any for tomorrow, yeah that’s fine babe I won’t use tomorrow. Yeah yeah I have heard it all before but this was a new one!
But part of me still wanted to believe that tomorrow he wouldn’t use. Come on love you know you have the money, you are just trying to control me, I promise on my mothers life that I won’t use tomorrow I will come with you to work and we can go to yours PPLEEEAASSSE!
So once again I go back on my word, but this time I am saddened that he has resorted to trying to use sex as a bribe, but again trying to excuse it by thinking well he is showing off to his friends. But that phone call took away a little bit of the love I had for him. 💔

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