I don’t really feel like giving you an update at the moment. It’s seems a bit self indulgent talking about my past, when so many are struggling With the present. I am feeling pretty mixed up at the moment. A bit disempowered. I should be happy. But I am possibly going to take a huge risk, it shouldn’t be difficult should it? Having the man I love back in my life, but right now the enormity of that choice is very difficult to deal with. I am struggling with whether its because I want my man back the sober man, which I do, but whether I can be strong enough in so many different ways for it to be safe for us both. Am I strong enough to trust him when he is not with me? If he is to find his own way in his life will I hold him back? If he chooses to use again will I be strong enough not to enable that choice and walk away again? The reason I walked away last time was because we weren’t together together, and because of my recovery could see how destructive his behaviour in addiction was on my mental health and well being. I had achieved serenity, and didn’t want that to be taken away again. I had found myself again. Was starting to live again after wanting to die, and now, I could have the very thing I wanted all the way through my journey. And I so desperatly want it, but I am scared of relapse, his then mine. When I started this blog I thought I would tell you my story as it had happened, and that is still my intention, but sometimes I have to deal with the here and now. Today is one of those days. I didn’t fall in love with an addict, well no that’s not strictly true, I fell in love with an addict in recovery. I had no idea what that meant, leant the hard way but still loved the man in recovery, still do. He is so close to being that man again, and I am so close to having him back, I should be happy and part of me is, but we will both have to work so hard for this to work. Trust is a difficult thing to get back when it has been stolen from you by another’s behaviour. But baby steps I guess, let my higher power guide me. They tell us to release with love, but surely there are couples out there that achieve a happy balance? Living with addiction even in recovery is so hard. I still have so much to learn, I ask my HP to guide me through this and help me find the right way.