That time of year.

I don’t really feel like giving you an update at the moment. It’s seems a bit self indulgent talking about my past, when so many are struggling With the present. I am feeling pretty mixed up at the moment. A bit disempowered. I should be happy. But I am possibly going to take a huge risk, it shouldn’t be difficult should it? Having the man I love back in my life, but right now the enormity of that choice is very difficult to deal with. I am struggling with whether its  because I want my man back the sober man, which I do, but whether I can be strong enough in so many different ways for it to be safe for us both. Am I strong enough to trust him when he is not with me? If he is to find his own way in his life will I hold him back? If he chooses to use again will I be strong enough not to enable that choice and walk away again? The reason I walked away last time was  because we weren’t together together, and because of my recovery could see how destructive his behaviour in addiction was on my mental health and well being. I had achieved serenity, and didn’t want that to be taken away again. I had found myself again. Was starting to live again after wanting to die, and now, I could have the very thing I wanted all the way through my journey. And I so desperatly want it, but I am scared of relapse, his then mine. When I started this blog I thought I would tell you my story as it had happened, and that is still my intention, but sometimes I have to deal with the here and now. Today is one of those days. I didn’t fall in love with an addict, well no that’s not strictly true, I fell in love with an addict in recovery. I had no idea what that meant, leant the hard way but still loved the man in recovery, still do. He is so close to being that man again, and I am so close to having him back, I should be happy and part of me is, but we will both have to work so hard for this to work. Trust is a difficult thing to get back when it has been stolen from you by another’s behaviour. But baby steps I guess, let my higher power guide me. They tell us to release with love, but surely there are couples out there that achieve a happy balance? Living with addiction even in recovery is so hard. I still have so much to learn, I ask my HP to guide me through this and help me find the right way.

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8 thoughts on “That time of year.

  1. Kaz, I just read your blog back to back – can I suggest you do it too? You know that I love you – I wish that you could love yourself and break free from the chains of bondage that are holding you. Yes K can be charming but he has treated you appallingly and you have allowed this to happen. As Zammo once said – Just Say NO – you are intelligent, beautiful and kind, you do not need to ‘buy’ love and you deserve so much more than a life of manipulation and humiliation – please do not be sucked back in.

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    1. I knew you had read it I saw last night, the only thing I can say is I have to give it one more try, I just can’t walk away. It will test my resolve if he relapses, but if he does then I can’t do any more. I don’t know why he has such a hold over me, after all he has done wrong but the tie is too tight. I do have a better understanding now of the whole situation but I haven’t got closure on it yet. That’s why I can’t let it go xx

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      1. When we went to Perth you said ‘one chance’ since then he has made your life more miserable than anyone has a right to do. I’ve seen you been to prison, is that really the life you want? I love you so much and you are worth so much more than this – stolen lead?? Really? God (or your higher power if you like) loves you and cherishes you and holds you in the palm of his hand – you are too special to be treated like this. Why not wait until K realises this and comes to you? Straight and clean and wanting only your love and not your possessions. Love you always xx

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      2. The story I am telling is mainly what happened in the past, my journey…I won’t be going back to that life…what can I say to convince you that I am not running to him. He is clean he begged me to visit him, he has phoned me sent letters. This is not my doing sis this is him realising he has done wrong. He can get heroin in prison, shocking as that may seem, someone was in his cell with it and he told them to get out. He wants to change, he could have not gone to court or pleaded not guilty, but he wants to get well and have a life….I am sure we will talk over Christmas! Love u xxx

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