looking back through my journey even up to recent events I am understanding that much of what was holding me back (apart from me and wanting to keep K happy) was also the manipulation he worked over me. Even as recently as a couple of weeks ago he was still controlling what I did and who I saw. Up until the point when he said he would move up to mine and once again let me down by disappearing he probably did have a lot of control over me. I thought we had turned a corner I believed he wanted to start again and a new life. As I have said he had moved up to where I live. But I wonder why…I told him I had planned to meet someone within a week he had moved up saying he didn’t want me to see anyone else. Does he love me? I don’t know. Do I love him? I don’t know. When you have had a close intense relationship with someone and that you love(d)  to have that taken away if you still love that person and they infere they want to be back with u then love takes over and you (I) go back to give it another try. But after the last betrayal I thought no that is it. Now he is here, around and do I want him back??? I am not sure I do. He is doing well. But in reality he stopped me from meeting up with someone. I don’t know where that would have gone probably not far – but now I won’t know. He knows his life with me is going to be far better than without me…that’s not me saying ain’t i great it’s me saying i know for an addict  not having to worry about the bottom layer of Maslows hierarchy of need is probably a great incentive to be with someone. Maybe because I am away from home I can sit back and take stock of what is happening a couple of phone calls from him is easy to deal with. I can be friendly I can be supportive. So my title is jealously why? Well I have to ask myself does he love me and was jealous that I might meet another man? OR is that just he doesn’t want me to be not available to him? Honestly? I think the later. Yet every time I think the worse he proves me wrong. Maybe I should change my title tag to trust or at the best distrust! 


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