I made a few half hearted attempts at resolutions this year, I don’t mean choosing things I can’t or won’t achieve but the things I chose are just things I already do or wanted to do. Write my blog more often do my 12 steps with a bit more conviction and put it into practice! Give up drinking ( as much!) so here we go, the blog! The drinking yep that’s under control nothing for 8 days was planning on a dry January but had already arranged last year to meet up with a mate at the end of the month so will have one night on then do the rest of the month. Yes I am cracking on with my step work but as I said in my last post some of the questions are deep concepts. I don’t go into these resolutions that are going to change the world if I want to join a gym I can join it in December not the new year. I remember the last time I stopped smoking that was October 2013 – I had stopped before for 6 years then started again so had been toying with the idea for 4 years so when the mind was made up it happened – midnight 31/12/2015 is the wrong time in my mind or worse 1/1/2016 when there is a good chance too much alcohol or what ever has been consumed to be making life changing decisions – if it needs changing or improving do it when it needs to be done. Ok rant over – if you made resolutions good luck with them it’s not for me to pass judgement when or if you make or follow them. I just think for me it’s about doing things when they need to be done, my journey is about making me a more rounded spiritual person, to let go and let God not to interfere with the addicts life. That’s a pretty big thing in itself so no I have no time for daft resolutions that are forgotten after a couple of weeks, I guess what I am planning to do aren’t even half hearted they are pretty life changing!
Sometimes I wish I could put into words what is going on in my head, my thought processes aren’t linear they are like spider diagrams with a word in the middle and thought association bubbles all around it. Like now I am trying to do one of the steps, I have 36 questions to answer! Not easy questions either here’s a couple
What have I done to interfere with a higher powers involvement in my life?
Am I learning what recovery and serenity can mean to me? – explain
When my thought patterns are jumbled how can I make any sense of it all?
I want peace and serenity in my life, I want to be able not to react to problems but think them through.
A year ago my trust was destroyed yet again, this time last year I was trying to hold it together. Again. It was one of his great disappearing acts He had gone missing before but never more than 12 hours, even when arrested he eventually got in contact. If I am honest with myself I loved the drama, but now I am just too tired for it all again. It’s around this time last year I came back to my fellowship, to start working on me. To stop the treadmill of chaos and drama and to find that peace and serenity I longed for. Maybe I still wasn’t ready? Maybe my ego /selfwill was still not ready to give my self over to something I could not tangibly see or believe in – this Higher Power. I used the term even back then but didn’t really understand what it was. I had had moments when my HP had desperately tried to show me itself, but I knew better. I could make the same wrong choices over and over expecting a different outcome! Been said before and I will say it again, that is the insanity of addiction!
It is suggested that we live for today this day only, to stop projections to a future that hasn’t come yet, but I struggle with that. To keep myself safe I can’t live in a bubble of ‘just for today’. I have to think what if… Because I need to be prepared. I need to know how to react if it all goes wrong. How I react. Not what I think he should do. What I want. If I don’t know that how can I have boundaries? It’s not about saying you can’t to this you can’t do that, it’s about me saying if you choose to do that I want no part of it. These are my rules. It’s not control its self worth I think? It’s putting in place things to stop me relapsing if the addict relapses.
It’s about me being supportive emotionally but not being sucked dry, it’s about give and take equally, but as importantly not pacifying him because I am scared of loosing him. He’s not mine to loose. He will make his choices and I will make mine. If I don’t want to live in chaos and insanity then I have to let go and let God. Believe my HP will look after me and his will him.
This post was triggered by a few things, 1 this bloody step I am trying to get thro, 2 the time of year it is with all its associated memories and 3 he just called me!
I tried to explain all of this and was met with hostility and vague threats ( in his mind) that he wouldn’t see me when he got out. I calmly said that if he doesn’t want to follow my requests then that is up to him. Threats of moving back to where he comes from, which equates to relapse, but where as before I would have been trying to pacify and beg him not to I just quietly said do what you think is right for you. So reader I sometimes think I am stuck, that I haven’t learnt anything….mainly because I suppose I haven’t had to put it into practice – until now – but now I can feel good about it, I have learnt I have put it into practice, if he chooses not to live a clean life that is just that his choice. I don’t feel bad, I don’t feel sorry, I don’t feel as though I am making unreasonable demands, I am certainly not trying to control anything but my self. If he relapsed it wouldn’t stop me from caring about him, it’s an illness a disease, that can’t be cured. There are things he can do to keep it in remission but that’s for him to do. Not me!
For an addict relapse is part of life. It can take many attempts before it is successful, be it drugs,alcohol, cigarettes, other people’s lives, we all relapse. It doesn’t make us bad people, sometimes the addiction makes us do bad things to supplement the habit. Take a child for example, they are not born bad. They might be born into a bad situation with parents that don’t have the skills to bring them up as a rounded human being but fundamentally the child is not bad. Things happen they look for an escape, other bad things happen, and so it goes on the feeling of worthlessness, with every bad thing that happens a reenforcement that they are worthless. That is a hard cycle to break. I am sure many of you identify! If you don’t then you are lucky. So I think what I am trying to say is it’s not for me to sit in judgement if relapse happens, it doesn’t mean you have failed, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, but sometimes those that love you have to protect themselves too. We are not trying to control anyone but ourselves.
I have to keep on forgiving because if I dont I waste energy on things I have no control over. What I struggle with is if forgiveness can become enabling? By allowing someone to behave in a way I find hurtful will there be an end to that behaviour? Even though I know that it’s not diliberate hurt, it’s just the nature of the relationship we have ( or don’t have). I know our wants are very different. I know the drugs make him behave in a way that is not really acceptable to me, and so I forgive. Not to forgive means I fret about what I have or haven’t done, what he has or hasn’t done….let go let God. I don’t think I understood that phrase for as long as I have been part of the fellowship but I think I am now understanding that I can’t take on the responsibility of his actions, I have to give it over to my HIgher power to deal with and do what they think is best. What I need to work out is whether I can have any sort of friendship with him and keep on forgiving him. But more importantly what do I get from this very bizarre situation.