Relationships

Someone I admire just posted this on FB and it set my mind thinking so thank you  @struggletostrength Eric Ease  my thoughts are below 

Good morning 

Don’t change who you are for anyone who demands it against your will. It’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to mend a broken heart, than it is to piece together a shattered identity. It’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.

I’m not sure I changed my self when living with addiction. I think I was still trying to find who I was. Stuck in co-dependency I would often just do what another wanted. Even when his addiction was at it’s worse I still fell in line and did what was required of me. So when I eventually walked away not only did I have a broken  heart I had no identity to fill that space that should have been me.  I had allowed myself to live my life through someone else’s. I guess making a positive out of that allowed me to make a new me or to find out who I am. When my marriage split up over 10 years ago I lived by myself for quite some time before I hooked up with K. Looking back I’m not sure that person really had a lot of substance. I lived in a bubble of going to work and going out with friends but felt I had to be with someone to somehow validate who I was. Drinking became a good friend. I knew it was too much but I got up for work every day and my bills got paid, was always careful not to be over the limit if I had to drive early in the morning, so felt it was under control. But part of me likes being in a relationship. Well no I like company. I’ve been single again ( in my head) for over 8 months now. I’ve been lonely at times but on the whole I’m enjoying the freedom of working on myself. A couple of the girls in group are trying to fix me up, they don’t want me to be by myself! The one requirement I have decided is that who ever this man is he has to be in recovery or at least understand my program. I nearly met someone off a dating site a while ago, may even have mentioned it on here before, he didn’t understand why I couldn’t meet him on certain nights. Basically he’d asked to meet and it was one of my group nights so I just said I have something on on a Monday and Thursday which is important to me. He pushed and pushed to know what, then totally didn’t understand when I explained what. 🤷🏼‍♀️ so yes if I am going down that road again recovery and/or and understanding of recovery is important to me. 

I will not let myself be lost in another’s life or live thro another’s life again, I may never be ready for another relationship but when I am I know that I am as important as they are, and it about being true to my self and trusting my feelings. 

Choose life!

So I went and watched T2. I guess for a lot of you going to see a film isn’t such a biggy but for me it’s the first time I’ve gone to see a film in a cinema by myself! Anyway it wasn’t so scary haha.

As I said in a previous  post I was apprehensive because after rewatching T1 I wondered what 20 years later would be portrayed. Well – is the answer! There were some poignant moments of course, some of the scenes struck a chord the hopes and dreams of addicts. The inability to stop using the ability to stop using, bringing back my hopes and dreams for the addict that brought me here. I would have wanted to see T2 regardless of my recent insight but would I have gone to see it at the cinema? Who knows but I didn’t want to wait til it came out on download. But had a good evening – home now of course eaten and now just putting my thoughts down. I enjoyed the experience of watching on the big screen might even go again if there is something worth watching. Anyway it was worth the effort for me to go. I don’t make resolutions but I did promise myself to do more with my life. Focusing on my step work getting out and doing more things rather than the isolation of being at home. When you’ve been cut off from society thro addiction it’s hard to break that habit. I lost my closest friend thro addiction. I do have people to hang out with but that’s at the pub and I don’t want to go and drink so that’s kinda off limits! Anyway enough ramblings with no purpose and in the words of Renton Choose Life 😀