Whilst I have been writing this blog many things have happened. I relapsed again and again going back to my negative self belief that I was somehow knew better than K that he should want to get and stay in recovery, that I was better than ‘god’ and I could save K from self destruction. I’m Not sure how or when my mind set changed but it did. Call it my HP if you like, but something steered me away. Something clicked and I came to believe that this was not my job it is well and truly Gods job. Reading another’s blog this afternoon affirmed this @fromstruggletostrength. The words struck a chord with me. The self hate and self loathing that K lived with weren’t mine to fix. They never were. He often would say he liked using drugs and I don’t doubt it. It blocked out all the feelings ( for a while) but then on coming too the self loathing starts again, I’m sure you are aware of the cycle of addiction.
Looking at myself and some of the defects of character I may have, I have recognised my OC behaviours. Some are for the good putting 110% into a project is never a bad thing, I know that I have addictive traits to my personality. I don’t have a cut off switch when it comes to alcohol. I have nothing drink for weeks at a time but if I have more than a couple I’m in a very dangerous place as my brain makes me believe I want more. I have to put things in place to stop me, like making sure I have no money around or going out in the car so I only have 1. Again I can have drink in the house and not touch it, but if I open it the chances are I’ll drink it. I don’t even know why I am writing this! I’ve digressed! Oh yes the OC traits!! I’m not very disciplined when it comes to doing stuff, my blog is very haphazard. In the beginning I had lots to say, I was still in denial and self pitying mode. I had joined a fellowship and if I’m honest was a non believer! But I wrote and wrote often I became obsessed with writing it. My journey was slow I relapsed like I say, but that’s because I didn’t understand the harm I was still doing to my self. But I didn’t give up – I wanted to live a different way. The co-dependent wanting to believe in a dream that wasn’t shared. Once I understood that then it became easier to really walk the walk. Once I fully 100% understood that I could NEVER change the addict, that no matter how much he said he didn’t want to live that way, until he actually changed it for himself, I could do nothing. Maybe you read this and wonder why it took me so long or it is obvious that you can’t change another’s behaviour, maybe you are thinking she’s said this before, and I probably have, but that was talking the talk! Now I 100% believe I am walking the walk! My OCB meant I was fixated on making him better, on doing anything and everything to get my reward, a cliché but couldn’t see the wood for the trees! My fellow blogger stated that addiction wants to kill you, and it does. It wants you to live in misery it feeds off that and gets stronger so you stay in it thinking that everything will be all right, that eventually your loved one will see the light – didn’t they say they didn’t want to live like this whilst asking again for money! It’s self destruct on every level.
Do I wonder what’s happening to him yes of course you dont give up 4 years to a person without wondering how they are and what they are doing. But thankfully even if he is still in addiction I somehow found the strength to let go and let god.
My latest obsession is instagram I don’t think that’s too harmful! But like a lot of my obsessions it will become boring and I will stop, or at least not be on it as much! I need an obsession for my step work haha maybe tho now I am getting settled again I will find the time, but we are coming close to the start of my other love the growing season 😃 seeds getting sorted my spare bed room turned into a growing room propagaters cleaned and ready – that’s one obsession I won’t get hurt by!
Thanks for reading