Enough of being a pawn

When you are wrapped up in co-dependency you can become a pawn in a game that you don’t think you have any control over…in fact you might not even know you are a pawn! I look back and wonder how much I was played without realising. Other people’s agendas and fucked  up lives.  As things and stories unravel truths come out I wonder just what part I played in fact in the case I am thinking about I wasn’t even aware I was in some ‘master plan’ being played. But truths come out like I say and even tho my pride is a bit hurt from what I now know I also wonder if it was meant. Or if it was that persons way of looking for an escape. 

I am doing ok. I have been lazy with my step work I try to blame my sponsor for not pushing me even though i asked her too but it’s not her responsiblity it’s mine. But at last I think I have stopped people pleasing. If I don’t want to do something I don’t have too. With my qualifier back in jail I have been able to think about me again. I am getting stronger. He keeps phoning and has written asking for money. I say no. The time before last when he called he asked for money I evaded the question didn’t answer yes or no, but was deliberate in not answering. He asked if I could see what I could do…I said I would, but to me that meant I don’t have to see what I could do I didn’t need to see what I could do, I wasn’t going to do anything….it was just easier than getting into a battle by saying no directly. Last time he called he was going on and on even said you said you would see what you could do…yes I said but that didn’t mean I was going to give you anything, just I will see….he then said but if you send me some money I can phone you. I am afraid I didn’t even think the words came out before I could think of the impact – I reacted! But for once reacted in my favour. I could hear the words come out my mouth I didn’t like the tone of my voice I wish I could have said it in a nicer way but I just didn’t give myself time to think. I didn’t breathe I heard myself saying – why the hell should I pay you to phone me? The line went dead he hung up – good there was nothing more to say. Maybe he’s getting the message that this time I mean it it’s over. He’s not my responsiblity I get nothing from this relationship ( I use that word loosely!) you can give and give but if you get nothing in return eventually you have to walk away. Draw a line under it. It’s not his fault he has this disease. But it’s not mine either. He actually was honest enough to say in his letter that he won’t make promises he can’t keep any more. That words are just that words and he needs to action it not talk about it. I feel sorry for him. I think he has had his chance – too many times. Twice he’s been given rehab. He even did detox in jail, and even tho he knows it makes him sick he lives a hopeless life on the rob to pay for his drugs or selling them until he gets arrested and back in jail he still goes back to it. Again and again. A hopeless case ☹️ don’t get me wrong I know I too was on that merry-go-round I too was repeating the same behaviours hoping for a different outcome, that little co-dependent voice is still trying to mug me off whispering but what if this time he does stay off the gear??? Well if he does then Well Done K! But I can’t live a life wondering if he will relapse the minute something doesn’t go his way. Which is way I must let go. I said to someone the other day, if he could use ‘socially’ smoke a bit of crack or heroin for a bit of pleasure I could accept it. I have a drink at the weekends or what ever it isnt something I HAVE to do. I know others that smoke crack snort coke have a joint but it’s controlled. 

I have gone way off my point! I guess to finish off I am getting more aware of being played, I will no longer be a victim, I catch myself all the time, saying stuff that really is trying to make people feel sorry for me. Not about the addict. But poor me I have had to do this or that. I might not have stopped it but I am becoming aware of it.  I am getting better! 

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One thought on “Enough of being a pawn

  1. its funny how you begin positively making the case that you are no longer a pawn in a master plan. You no longer give him money, yay but then you go into fantasy land wondering what if he does get clean, etc. I see you are getting to grips with your problem and I wish you well in the future. Email me if you are free asap

    Liked by 1 person

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